GG, I almost died when I read that. I was eating a bowl of cereal and to avoid spitting it all over the computer I swallowed it and almost choked on it, but I was still LMAO and had to get something to drink real quick.
That was the absolute funniest thing I have read on here in such a long time.
Your sense of humor has just made my year go off to a good start.
“ I hate myself for not being stronger to overcome my anger and bitterness, but I so desperately want to be loved by a woman who wants to love me and be loved in return. I mentioned to my wife yesterday that it has been 18 years since we have been intimate and she acted genuinely surprised....”
Being angry and bitter for being sexually rejected for 18 years is a normal response to being treated so cruelly by a woman whom you love and who vowed to have and hold yu. Anger is not a sin. Anger is appropriate when one is treated badly.
Continuing to desire her and hope she will change is not a normal response since you ave absolute proof that she can not and does not love you the way you love her. Continuing to try to explain her into fucking you is a waste of time. She has the marriage she wants. One can’t reason another into sexually desiring you. There are probably thousands of women who would love you the way you want but you choose to cling to and try to change the one woman whose actions demonstrate she will never be what you want.
Hating yourself for normal reactions to cruelty is not normal.
Counseling could help you let go of the self hate and use your energy to take actions under your control that would help you be happier. You could choose to accept without hoe or resentfulness the sexless marriage you have and yu. Kyle remain in it faithful and celibate or you could outsource. You also could choose to set yourself free by divorce. To do that you’d need to realize you deserve better and you would need to love yourself enough to prefer your own company to that of a woman who mistreats you.
Thank you so much for your encouragement and thoughts northstarmom. I will keep those thoughts in my mind and read them daily to remind myself as well. You're awesome! Hugs. (
“I could easily walk away from this relationship with a blink of the eye. But at the moment, the financial cost and almost impossible recovery from it would only make my life worse, not better. “
Have you talked to a lawyer or financial planner?
Have you considered remaining together as roommates only? Move out of the bedroom, cook your own food, develop your own independent social life. Share finances only.
We already do those things. She cooks her meals, I cook mine and I sleep in the other bedroom (for the past 5 years now); she stays in her room and watches TV and I do mine thing in the living room; We go out when we want, and we do let each other know where we are going and when we expect to be back for safety. But we don't call or check up on each other and if either one of us is late, we don't panic or call unless it's been like 12 hours (which hasn't ever happened).
Pretty much roommate relationship. And we do share finances only at this time. And I'm trying to become more involved in that also.
Last Edit: Dec 27, 2017 13:27:51 GMT -5 by solodriver
Post by solodriver on Dec 26, 2017 21:36:14 GMT -5
As we were visiting family and friends yesterday on Christmas, I had so many thoughts running through my mind, I wanted to share them with you.
As we approach our 30th anniversary, through the years, I did my best to meet all of my wife's needs emotionally, spiritually and physically in a non-sexual way but it didn't change her rejections when I wanted to be intimate with her. I hinted and prodded...still rejected. In about the 12th year of our sexless marriage, I started searching the internet and found the term "sexless marriage". I learned about a website called Experience Project (the forerunner to this group) and the subsection called "I Live in A Sexless Marriage". I was shocked to learn of so many married men AND women who were suffering and feeling the very SAME things I was. I was in tears reading story after story because I could identify with so much of it. All I wanted was a wife that desired me and wanted to have sex with me and be intimate. Still the rejections continued.
My wife has kept me starved and craving for sexual intimacy. She ignores my pleas and neglects my need for her love. I feel that physical intimacy and the sexual relationship is sharing the deep sense of love, two lives, blending, uniting and bonding in the most wonderful way together. It is so very much more than for reproduction. It is not for the same reasons that animals do it. There is such a wonderful, emotional sharing between two souls who make love together. I think there is a experience of love in the physical intimacy that transcends the physical pleasure that is shared. And my wife's rejection has crushed my soul. No amount of explanation for the past 18 years seems to get through to her. Most people want to love and be blessed by being loved. Nothing can compare to the love between a man and woman who love each other and enjoy expressing love as well as receiving love from one another. Unfortunately for me and many other men AND women, my spouse loves me as SHE defines love and ignores my pleas and explanations. She remains clueless to this day and I continue in my daily struggle with resentment and bitterness.
The desire to unite my heart and soul with my wife's is the height of the love expression. The rejection of that desire cuts deep into my soul. A wife OR husband who does not understand this, does not understand the damage she or he is inflicting on their husband or wife and on their marriage. She or He is being cruel to the person they are supposed to be loving to. My wife's No are for many reasons:
"Not tonight, maybe tomorrow"
"I'm too tired"
"I have too many things on my mind"
etc. etc. etc.
I don't want to ask again and again and risk rejection, but I don't want to accept abstinence either. I can't stand to hear those words "Not tonight, maybe in the morning". She should just say No!
Bitterness is unresolved hurt and anger. And a clueless rejecting husband or wife does not understand that they alone must resolve the problem of their sexless marriage. Because they are so clueless, the rejected husband or wife must bear the burden of coping with the on-going rejection and denial. And "No" always has power over "Yes" Only my wife can solve this dilemma, but she doesn't. I have withdrawn from my wife emotionally to protect myself. Up to that point I allowed her to hurt me over and over and over again. Now I must try to be decent, civil and loving, NOT FOR HER SAKE, but for mine. I do not want to be an asshole. She denies me love and refuses to nurture our relationship beyond what is important to her. I am stuck with a wife of "No". I am not the person I want to be. I cannot be free to express my feelings.
I hate myself for not being stronger to overcome my anger and bitterness, but I so desperately want to be loved by a woman who wants to love me and be loved in return. I mentioned to my wife yesterday that it has been 18 years since we have been intimate and she acted genuinely surprised? "No that's not true" she said. I asked when did she think the last time we were intimate was. After a few minutes there was no response and she started a conversation about something else. I took that as a sign of her uncaring about my thoughts and feelings. She is married. I am her husband. That's as far as she thinks about our relationship. Before her recent problems with a leg injury and the surgery she had for it last week, for me to ask for permission to be intimate would annoy her and stress her. She would know what I wanted and had been waiting for years for, or maybe she doesn't? I am cursed with a clueless wife of "No".
I could easily walk away from this relationship with a blink of the eye. But at the moment, the financial cost and almost impossible recovery from it would only make my life worse, not better. I am constantly fighting thoughts of anger, bitterness and resentment. We live in the same house, but I've made her my roommate as much as possible. I try to be decent and dutiful as a husband but I keep my distance. It's the curse I have to live with for now.
Admittedly, I do love her, but not enough to override my anger for all the misery she's subjected me to. I feel guilty because I don't want to hate my wife. But I hate the feeling of being rejected. I hate being trapped in a sexless marriage with a clueless wife. She is clueless about the damage she is causing to me and our marriage. I hinted, I suggested, I asked, I begged and I pleaded but the answer was the same; "No". She always had excuses, but the bottom line was "No". The promise of "tonight" or "tomorrow morning" never happened.
This is not love. It is the only path offered by a wife of "No".
There are only 2 courses of action to resolve this:
1. SHE has to initiate a love cycle of 'Yes" and bring to an end the rejection cycle. But sadly, after 18 years of rejection, I struggle to even ask my wife again. But if I'm ever brave enough to ask again and the answer is "No". please initiate intimacy as soon as you can. Don't make me ask again. Because I will NEVER EVER ASK AGAIN!, then comes the next action.
2. Divorce because NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE, and the only hope to one day having an opportunity to bond with love and intimacy to another woman who wants and desires my love and who feels the very same way about me.
I hope 2018 will bring us all love, and intimacy in the most wonderful ways that we desire and deserve. I truly care about each of you on here. We share the pain together, but WE ARE NOT ALONE AS LONG AS WE ARE HERE TOGETHER!!!
Last Edit: Dec 26, 2017 21:40:19 GMT -5 by solodriver
My flatmate is beset by huge amounts of self inflicted guilt. Well, carry-over from an abusive family I guess.
If anything happens that surprises her, the kneejerk reaction is to let fly with some accusation to me. Most of the time completely off-topic and often entirely surreal. Attack is her immediate response to feeling guilty, surprised, frightened ...
I have learned to just ignore those 'first comments' when something goes bang, in the room or outside. Like her dropping a plate on the floor or stubbing a toe or whatever. If I just ignore it, nothing comes of it. (or is that "off it"?)
Since I have laid into her, 8 years ago, about her passive aggressive DARVO tactics (every time we had a difference of opinion she'd deny, attack me for abusive behaviour, then run off and become 'the fridge' for a day or three) she's stopped doing that. Life is much better.
It was something she took in with her mother's milk, and probably never realized she was doing.
The upshot, the sad fact is, though, that she is extremely sensitive, and very easy to upset into a state of withdrawl. So I have to walk on eggshells not to upset her, and she continuously walks on eggshells because she thinks she might be teetering on the edge of an angry outburst from me (I don't do angry outbursts, I almost never get angry at all -- when I am truly angry, I go white around the nose and don't say a thing, I walk off) -- she just can't believe me when I tell her that. When I talk passionately on some subject she automatically assumes that I'm angry. When I curse because I dropped a brick on my toe (metaphorically speaking), she thinks I am angry at her ...
Go figure. Out on the surface she is a strong, capable, confident, resilient woman, but inside lurks a frightened, defensive 7 year old child.
I do get apologies when she figures she's gone and fucked up. And I haven't said anything. If I do say something before she does, I get a preemptive counter-attack instead. Think: angry doberman.
Vice versa, because apologizing comes easily to me "hey, I fucked up, I am sorry" (accept responsibility, move on, try and fix whatever) she cannot take it seriously and accept it: after all, if I admit to that so easily, I can't really MEAN it, right? Not enough writhing ...
I'm the same way. I apologize whenever I screw up immediately, but the wife says it's bullshit because I am just saying it so she won't be upset and it's not for real. And when I apologize a few hours or days later, she still won't accept the apology.
Another question...My Darvo-master ex wife never once apologized to me for any matter of substance in our 20 years of marriage. It seems to me this might be a common denominator or perhaps I just had an exception.
My wife has NOT ONCE in 30 years apologized for anything. It's always my fault.
I crave attention so much that each nonsexual contact feels good from a woman. such as when I have my haircut, have my vital signs taken or blood drawn at the lab, or even during my dental cleanings. I enjoy hugs very much.
After 18 years without any, I miss female intimacy so much!
I try not to think that I could actually die and never have another intimate relationship again.
I don't want to miss the fun when it passes by!
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
doneanddone: Shoutout goes to lonelywifey....she made my day!
Jan 8, 2018 14:54:01 GMT -5
nancyb: RIP Dolores O'Riordan. You will always linger.
Jan 15, 2018 20:18:28 GMT -5
njsojourner: Orgasm is good!
Jan 15, 2018 23:54:54 GMT -5
brian: It's better when shared with someone!
Jan 16, 2018 6:53:40 GMT -5
boudinMan: howdy folks... anybody ever hear from becca any more? just curious.
Jan 16, 2018 10:02:29 GMT -5
petrushka: she's not been here in months
Jan 16, 2018 20:37:20 GMT -5
saarinista: Attention people of earth: it is currently SNOWING across the Southeastern United States. I'm a native of the Midwest, and I chuckle when i see how worked up people get about a half inch of snow here. Ye Gods, you would think Armageddon was upon us.
Jan 16, 2018 22:42:38 GMT -5
lonelywifey: **Hurricane comes** Louisiana: "We can probably just ride it out and have a party with a lot of drinking." **Light snow falls** Also Louisiana: WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE
Jan 17, 2018 9:10:47 GMT -5
lonelywifey: doneanddone I just saw this shoutout! Thanks! Gonna have to go back and see how awesome I was on Jan 8th. Haha!!
Jan 17, 2018 9:11:48 GMT -5
saarinista: lonelywifey Also, we must consume mass quantities of milk and bread to fend off the cold, and stock up on toilet paper for God knows what. Under no circumstances however should we try to warm ourselves with sexual activities !
Jan 17, 2018 15:41:30 GMT -5
obobfla: Hey, we Floridians gladly take on Category 5 hurricanes, tornados, alligators, sharks, snakes, and bugs. But temps below 40F? FEMA help us!
Jan 17, 2018 18:38:11 GMT -5
tamara68: Happy birthday @petruschka!
Jan 18, 2018 3:20:12 GMT -5
h: Schools up here don't even delay for less than 8 inches of snow. ⛄❄
Jan 18, 2018 7:56:17 GMT -5
lonelywifey: h I remember when I was a kid schools NEVER closed for snow days (this was in Massachusetts). Now it's like the schools close the night before if there's even a whiff of snow in the forecast!
Jan 18, 2018 11:53:49 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: We had a snow day yesterday for no reason; I can still see the grass in my yard as it is barely covered with snow (this is MA). Crazy!
Jan 18, 2018 12:23:03 GMT -5