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Post by timeforliving2 on May 4, 2016 0:05:44 GMT -5
... But here's the interesting thing, what completely blew me away! ...This was a long distance relationship, so there were long periods of time between being together. And to my amazement, I found that the sexual frustration and constant burning desire I had for sex that I had while in my SM...just wasn't there when we were apart. How odd!! ... I know it was because I had the internal assurance that I was sexually accepted and wouldn't be rejected, but more importantly, I was comfortable that I was ok, it wasn't me that was broke...and that I had someone who accepted me, desired me, and wanted me. I knew that regardless of the distance or time, when we did get together, we were so open and honest with our desires and yes...lust...that I didn't have to worry about having just sex. I could look forward to being in the ultimate embrace of a relationship. ... Very happy for you Itsjustus. There are 4 things you mention that are "key" / crucial IMHO: 1. You weren't rejected 2. You were sexually accepted 3. Your partner "wanted" you 4. You could be open and honest about anything including your intimate desires. For anyone who's been in a SM, I think this is a natural progression of what we really want, post SM, however we get there. More than anything we don't want to be rejected anymore. The pain and hurt from this goes beyond words... it's so damaging to your self worth long term. If you make it past that point, it's another step for you to be sexually accepted. The next step is to be "wanted"/sexually and intimately desired by your partner. Finally, to be completely open and honest about anything, including your intimate desires, is right there at the top of what everyone hopes for in a great, loving relationship. Your post was good to mention all of these things at once. I just thought I'd break it out into 4 steps as I see it. Helpful to know. What do you think friends... Do we have all of the major steps or are we missing any here? TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 3, 2016 20:49:35 GMT -5
I have wondered often if my husband enjoyed sex and we had a normal sex life if by now I would be not so into sex now. At the end of my marriage my ex had health issues so sex was not an option for him. My issues about sex with the ex went back to year one of marriage, and of course all of the other issues that had nothing to do with sex. Of course... *none* of the other issues had to do with your lack of sex. (sarcasm) It's all of the other issues that were the problem. But seriously, I would have been a whole new person too if we would have had regular sex since year 1 of marriage.
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Post by timeforliving2 on Apr 27, 2016 21:41:16 GMT -5
Or how about, "I love you like... 1) a brother, 2) a new pair of shoes, 3)________ "
TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on Apr 26, 2016 18:24:21 GMT -5
I know how much a SM messes with our heads... our emotional state... our feeling of self-worth. When you're in that cycle, it can be hard to break out. With that in mind, I am re-posting a well-liked short story that can help us to dig just a little deeper to find the courage to start changing things. Because one thing is for certain... the status quo isn't working. Therefore, to create some kind of change, you've got to start (or keep) doing something different. So without further ado...
I Am No Nonger Accepting...
The focus of this post is not really religious, but just for a frame of reference, the well-known "Serenity Prayer" goes like this:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Many of us I think grew up with this in the back of our heads. While this may be helpful for some people in terms of how to deal with certain things which they can or cannot control, in the context of sexless marriages, it can steer us in the wrong direction if we're not careful.
Now here's my main point. I saw a great post / sign recently from a friend on FB... and it is a twist on the Serenity Prayer:
"I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept."
For those of us with sexless marriages, this is *much* clearer... and empowering.
Carry on.
TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on Apr 24, 2016 23:28:02 GMT -5
JMX,
I think I am one of the few that have made it out of a SM and, for the last 2 years, have actually had the first regular sex life of my 22 year marriage.
Anyway, you mention above that you just started going to individual counseling (your first individual session) and you've worked out a plan to go back monthly. My first reaction is that you may want to go back more regularly until you get some traction / progress. All I can tell you is what worked for me/us with counseling.
After phone interviewing a few counselors and making our selection, our counseling sessions went something like this: Week 1: We each went to an individual 1-hour session with the counselor. Week 2: We each went to an individual 1-hour session with the counselor. Week 3: Joint / couples counseling session. Week 4: Joint / couples counseling session. Week 5: Joint / couples counseling session. Week 6: Joint / couples counseling session. **REFUSER HAS SEX WITH ME ON HER OWN INITIATIVE. Week 7: Joint / couples counseling session. Sex continues. 2x. Week 8: Joint / couples counseling session. Sex continues. 2x. ** SWITCH TO COUNSELING EVERY 2 WEEKS Months 3 & 4: Joint / couples counseling every 2 weeks. Sex continues. 1-2x/week. After 4th month: Joint / couples counseling every month. Sex continues. 1-2x/week.
I guess the bottom line, looking back on what worked for us, is that I think weekly counseling was very helpful at the very beginning for nipping some issues in the bud and trying to break through them. It was also the suggestion of the counselor to meet with each of us separately at the beginning so he could understand each of our viewpoints and issues. Over the phone, before our first sessions, he asked us to think about "what do you want to get out of counseling?"
In response, I told the counselor flat-out, in my individual session that I didn't want him to "save our marriage". I wanted him to help us try to work through the issues. If he was able to save our marriage, then fine, but that wasn't my goal / not what I wanted. I told him that if we tried to work the issues, but couldn't resolve them after a reasonable amount of time, I was equally happy to walk away from the marriage and also accept that outcome. Then, during probably that 2nd joint / couples counseling session I ended up saying the same thing with my wife / refuser present, and I just said it in a straightforward, matter of fact way. Didn't get emotional or upset over anything. That was just the way it was. I think this shook up my refuser / W a bit and she finally realized how close we were to ending the marriage. I admitted in counseling that I needed to make some changes too (and I did make some smaller changes, although hers was obviously the bigger issue given the decades of opportunity for sex that was lost). No one is a perfect spouse, so I was more than happy to admit the obvious and say that I was willing to change on some things. However, my trust in my refuser was so broken that I needed *her* to act first. As fate would have it, after about 6 weeks of counseling she initiated sex on a Saturday, and again the next day Sunday. That was huge. From then on, I slowly started trusting her and reciprocating / giving her some things she was asking for.
My main point was that more frequent counseling in the early stages may help you "break through" the issues faster. It also keeps the issues more fresh in everyone's heads. Just my 2 cents on what worked for us. Hope this helps.
TL2
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