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Post by timeforliving2 on Jun 26, 2016 23:44:52 GMT -5
Yes, I tell him my husband died. Where is that man? I don't know this person. I know what I want, I'm not sure either scenario is possible. We live a days drive from all family. I have friends, but all busy mom's. He doesn't have friendships. My point, no one but two people know anything, but they refuse to acknowledge it. My mother is coming for 2 weeks...I'm exhausted already. cc, A few other points / observations / questions... in no particular order: - It's odd / not normal that your H / refuser doesn't have friendships. Do you have any idea why that is?
- Generally speaking, what kind of work does your H do / what field or industry is he in?
- If he doesn't have friends, then you are his "everything". I think you may have more leverage in your relationship than you think... in terms of you getting what you want.
- If you've lost some credibility on saying that you may file for divorce / be willing to separate (per your and baza's comments in your other posts)... then you may also get some more credibility this time around *IF* you shake things up a bit and do MORE things that aren't normal for YOU. For example, take off your wedding ring and leave it off (I did this for almost 18 months and it *was* a concern to my W / refuser... one of many details that helped create change). Join a gym (if you're not a member already). Ask him to watch the kids (if necessary) so you can go work out at a gym. Start going out with some girlfriends in the evening (other moms that you mention) while he watches the kids because you need a break. Subscribe to some new magazines that may get him thinking why you're getting them (health, relationship, fashion, sex columns, etc.). Get some new clothes that are more sexy and wear them to places where you go somewhere without him. If you start doing a lot of these things and THEN say that you can't live this way anymore (in a SM) and you've got to make some changes (e.g. first, build a better you, and second, build a better marriage, either with him, or if not, with someone else)... THEN you will have more credibility.
- You mentioned a few times that you are "guided" to work things out yourself and just pray. This also is not normal. Normal advice these days is to seek counseling, not keep to yourself. Prayer is a personal subject, so if you're praying, be sure to pray for appropriate things.
- You're a day's drive from all family. Just curious... Do you live in a fairly rural area / small town area or an urban area?
- Curious: For how many of the 18 years was the sex good? Approximately when on the timeline did it change? Perhaps I missed that somewhere.
- Your oldest child noticed that you're not the couple that you used to be. So he/she noticed a change and you said it broke your heart. Did you at least have some good years?
- Do you think your H has any medical issues that may impact the SM? Have you asked him (note: it may be difficult for him to admit)? Has he had his testosterone level checked? After going through a SM I finally got mine checked just so I have a baseline at this point in my life. I wish I had tested for it earlier... it would have been interesting to see how this changes over my lifetime.
TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jun 26, 2016 18:49:07 GMT -5
I see that for most the answer is to ultimately move on. I totally get it. I've threatened it. I sit and plan the whole thing out sometimes in my worst and loneliest moments. Has anyone ever been successful is working this out with their spouse? I mean, is that even possible? I am fearful it is either pull up the big girl panties and deal or cut my losses. Cause really those are my options as it stands now. I would love to hear any experiences. What are the steps to finding out if the marriage can be salvaged? I come from family that doesn't divorce (on both sides)...for ANYTHING. Both of our parents are married to each other. No one else speaks of any marriage issues and we are really the odd balls out, or rather I am, because I really am the only one with the issues. I am serious, no one talks about divorce and it is greatly frowned upon. If I ever leave it will be a new thing. I am always steered to silently cope or pray. Success can only be measured one day at a time. You may come up with a plan to "fix" your marriage and it may work. Until it doesn't. Then you may come up wth a new plan, lather, rinse and repeat. Your plans are doomed to failure unless your H is committed to a mutually agreed upon plan. And even then the plan may fail. But before making a grand plan to save your marriage it would serve you well to make an exit plan. You then would be negotiating from a position of strength and not just "threatening". As for members who have turned around their SM I can only recall timeforliving2 as an example. There are many examples of members who have turned around their lives by ending their SM via divorce. CC, as Jim said it's possible to work things out but difficult. Both my spouse / former refuser and I were willing to work at it. Over 2 years later after turning things around is our marriage wedded bliss? No, but we understand each other better and we keep working at things. Getting a counselor involved was key, but I/we did many other things as well. Stand up for your *needs*. And here's another hard part: Be willing to walk away if counseling doesn't work, and tell your H / refuser that. I too come from a family where no one divorced / longstanding marriages on both sides / conservative religious upbringing, etc.... and it took me forever to become internally resolved that I wasn't going to take it anymore and I would in fact be willing to leave. But how many years / nearly 2 decades were "wasted" in agony before I became internally resolved. We all deserve to live a reasonably happy life. You know deep down that at the most basic level your own happiness is more important than your marriage. If you're not happy, then the marriage will suffer. If the marriage suffers, then it spills over into other things: relationships with kids/family, work, other friends sometimes, etc. Feel free to post or message separately and I'll respond when I can. I try to check in a few times a week. TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jun 26, 2016 18:32:47 GMT -5
Friend, this is a great example of how the truth shall set you free! Why should you feel free to discuss this openly here, but not with your own family? The truth can be the hardest pill to swallow, but the benefits, the freedom is priceless! I think, deep inside ( under that society mask we all wear) there comes a huge relief when someone close to us, someone we admire, says," boy did I screw up, I have problems, my marriage is terrible, I struggle with things, I make the biggest mistakes, etc..) yet we hide behind our masks, live as society,and religion tell us to. Afraid of what others might think of us. Continue on with our dull existence, telling each other, " doing great!. See you next time". As our dull meaningless existence, floats aimlessly on an open sea. I did explode on my mother yesterday when she arrived. I started talking and my mouth wouldn't stop. CC, That's awesome! It took me *forever* before I finally confided in / talked with my dad about the SM. But what a relief and burden lifted. Keep talking with people... you should have more than just 1 "outlet". I'm sure your mom will be helpful, but also start confiding in / talking with a few other people as well: your dad (if decent relationship), good longstanding friends that you trust, others who may have gone through divorce, etc. Never forget this: you are *normal*. People will understand. What your H / refuser is doing is *not normal*.
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jun 15, 2016 22:27:08 GMT -5
*** However what I've learned is if two people are compatible, there's attraction, chemistry, affection, get along, things in common, etc. then THAT is AWESOME. I agree. I never really bought into the "soulmate" idea at any time in my life, but certainly after a SM I think in terms of how compatible people are together in the important areas of life... several that you just mentioned. I don't think there are any 2 people that are 100% compatible / the same on everything... so then it comes down to thinking about that sliding scale on *how* compatible you two are on all of the key things you're looking for. What's also important is having a list of deal breakers, and being clear on what they are / where the line is on each one. Ideally I think you want to have your deal breaker list before starting a new relationship, but if you are in early stages you can put one together or review/update one too without being potentially conflicted / biased. BBallGirl... Wishing you good luck on this relationship. I also think deep down you know what you want, so be honest with yourself, and as you said, communicate something immediately to this guy if some aspect is not working for you. Can't waste time! TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jun 9, 2016 21:00:47 GMT -5
*** I hate to admit this, but I've been in a basically sexless marriage since exactly 3 months after I put a ring on her finger and she sat me down and told me she just wasn't that into sex. I spent years fooling myself into thinking we can fix it. Maybe we average sex 4 or five times a year and have gone a few without. We managed to have kids (love them, but that act trapped me further). We've tried scheduling "dates" and she blew off the first one never to return. We've been to counseling 3 times (3 strikes and you're out). All I can really say is: She was right. She doesn't like sex. And she won't change. 17 years of marriage this September and I don't need to tell others here how I've suffered. *** Sufferinhubby: In a separate post just a little while ago I mentioned that I think your W is controlling you and/or getting what she wants and needs out of the relationship. She may be a type A strong willed person, but even so that doesn't mean your needs shouldn't get met or shoved to the side. One thought came to me: Have you told any of *your* friends about your SM? How about any of *her* friends, or *couples* that both of your are friends with? Or any of *her* family about your SM? She is at some level, intentionally or subconsciously, trying to control you. Perhaps it was even a pattern or thing she learned or observed in other relationships as she was growing up. But if you start telling other people about your SM... that would probably shatter the "perfect family" picture she is trying to paint to the rest of the outside world. I think you have tremendous leverage there. I started telling a few close friends about my SM, and then told my W that those friends knew about the SM... and it was one factor that started getting my W's attention. But one of the next steps I was going to do (but never did because counseling *did* work for us)... was I was going to tell my refuser / W that I needed to talk with / confide with several other people in order to deal with the SM situation... and that I was going to start talking to X number of people per week / month and tell them about the SM. If your W / refuser is trying to maintain this charade of a "perfect family" with the outside world... this strategy will absolutely shatter that. She desperately won't want that. You may be able to force her to change her ways. Some people on these boards may then say, well if I have to force my refuser to change, then does he/she really love me? Maybe yes, maybe no. My W, I believe, really loves me, even though we were in a SM for 20 years. But she never *really* understood how important sex was to me until we forced the issue, broke through, and made progress with our relationship. She also had pain during sex and it was extremely difficult for her to orgasm. If your W is the same way, perhaps you can still get there with a different kind of effort. If nothing else, what have you got to lose? Start talking with people, tell them about the SM, and the more people you actually sit down and talk with, the more reassurance I think you'll really feel that you *are* normal. The other good thing about telling other people about your SM now: If you ever *do* decide to divorce, then people will already know for years what the real *big* issue was.. and you won't be perceived as the jerk for divorcing your W and leaving her with kids to raise or whatever. They'll know that your W / refuser was "being unfaithful to the marriage", and you will be *well* justified in divorcing. Sex is natural and assumed and *needed* in any normal marriage. Your W is not normal. Neither is my W. But in a key area (sex), with the right motivation, my W found that she did have the capacity to change. And we love and appreciate and respect each other more now. We're not perfect, but we keep working at it. TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jun 9, 2016 20:02:12 GMT -5
My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years now and we have been sexless for the last year and near sexless for about half of our marriage before that. After coming home from our honey moon, it was weeks before we had sex again and we quickly fell into a pattern of having sex only once a month. After about a year we would fluctuate between sex a few times a month (resetting) and not having sex for a month or two or three. We decided to have a baby about a year and a half ago, so the frequency increased somewhat but even then we often never had sex more that 2 to 3 times per month. Since we conceived we have not had sex again. This is an issue my wife and I have discussed often throughout our marriage as I expressed early on that I was not satisfied with the frequency of our relations. This discussion usually goes: 1. I say how I feel 2. She cries and says very little 3. I get mad 4. She says shes sorry and things will change 5. We have reset sex 6. Repeat in 3-4 months I really do think my wife wants us to have a good sexual relationship as she and I have a great marriage otherwise, but I think sex is just not a priority for her. Actually, I really don't know what to think. I believe that she cares, but it seems she just doesn't care enough to actually have sex. My frustration is compounded by the fact that when we were having sex, we always did it in the exact...same...way. To the letter. I like listening to the hits as much as anyone, but I like a little variety and it seems as though she can't get in the mood without the regular stuff. Even then, it seems like about half of the time she is not really in the mood and only doing it because she feels guilty. She has also had pain with sex in the past, and has often said that is what deters her, to which I have offered to go to the doctor with her to see if there is anything that can be done. She has also declined to do this. It has actually gotten to the point now where if we were to try and have sex (which we haven't), I really don't think I would be into it. This is firstly because I am mad about the situation, and second because it seems like a very daunting task to try and get someone who doesn't want to have sex in the mood, just to do the same things over and over. As a result, after nearly a year with no sex, I am beginning to realize that sex is not going to be a part of my life any more. We have a beautiful daughter that is now 2 months old and I understand that currently with breastfeeding there can be sexual issues. I am just trying to mentally come to terms with a life of celibacy. I am a very conservative christian so divorce or affairs are not options, and this is not even what I want. In reality, I love my wife, and I only want to have sex with her. I am just struggling between sadness and confusion about what to do, and I think that at this point my best option is resignation. I am further confused by the fact that I want to have sex with her, but I am so upset by this situation that I don't want to have sex with her. I welcome any thoughts. Pdan87 - You have a lot in common with me and my former situation. My wife and I went through nearly *20 years* of a sexless marriage (SM). I would never wish that experience on anyone... it was hell and almost destroyed our marriage and me/myself in the process. Even though it's been about 2 1/2 years of hell for you (if I'm doing the math right) at least it isn't 20 years. I am going to assume you're around 30 years old based on a few things, and if so, dang, the good news is you have *so much time* to nip this in the bud and deal with this now. Don't let it go on as long as I did, until my mid-40s, before my W and I got help, made changes, and turned things around. Is my marriage perfect now? No. But we now have regular (weekly) sex and things are a lot better. We keep working at it. Things in common: We're also christian and had conservative upbringing, although some of my views have become more liberal as the years go by. My wife also had pain during sex a lot of the time when we were first married (found out after 4 years that she had stage 4 / severe endometriosis). We also got in *endless* discussions about sex with no resolution (obviously, because it was a 20 year SM). Things that are different: You say your wife cries and says very little. She says she sorry and things will change. My wife never did those things. She always said quite a bit, actually, about how I *always* wanted sex, even though it was always less than once a month (definition of a SM on these boards). We argued. And my wife never said she was sorry and things will change. She always just got her way and was happy when the argument wound down with no resolution / no change. I actually think that these 2 factors: (your wife cries and says very little, and says things will change)... are positive things. My impression is that she *wants* to change somehow, but doesn't know how to get there. I think she is struggling with something else. Perhaps in part it is pain during sex. Perhaps it is something else with strong emotion. Perhaps she was physically abused (or roughly treated) in some sexual or physically intimate way... and that's creating a roadblock for when you do try to have sex. (I asked my W about 3 times about this before she admitted that a prior boyfriend had treated her kind of rough and without her consent... this was at the end of high school and he was trying to become physically aggressive and my W wasn't ready for that intimacy or sex yet). As a result, years later and during our marriage, my W frequently batted my hands away for most of the SM time in our marriage... it reminded her of the other guy who was physically aggressive. I started telling my detailed story on EP but I am sorry that I never finished my full story on that site before the site effectively closed recently, but here is a direct link to one story I wrote (still readable) that goes into *a lot* of detail about my / our background. It doesn't fully resolve things, but you might see some commonalities and if so it might be helpful. www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/4844044My W and I were *finally* able to get to a better place with couples counseling. But there were so many other factors too that also came into play. If you have questions or feel I can help, feel free to separately message me and I'll respond when I can. Unfortunately I'll be out of town for an extended weekend beginning tomorrow and I won't have internet access. However, when I return next week I'll try to check back here as soon as I can. Hang in there Pdan... I know your pain. I think there may be hope for you with some effort from both you and your W. You have some encouraging signs in the sense that I think at some level your W actually wants to change. And that desire to change is absolutely necessary. TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jun 9, 2016 18:15:17 GMT -5
Ugh I know. It was a brief conversation that took me completely by surprise, hit very hard and echoes 17 years later. There were honestly no signs that was coming either. When I reminded her we had a good sex life throughout our courtship she shrugged and said women use sex for the purpose of attracting a mate. She suggested that if women were honest they would all admit this is true. If I wasn't so taken back by disbelief, if I could have seen it was real and what it was about to mean to my life, I would have walked out then and there and returned with divorce papers. But I didn't believe what she said could be true. I asked other women and they were also stunned by the conversation and assured me that they still desired sex after marriage. But it was true for my wife. I remember reading in EP that asexuality in marriage was akin to infidelity. I believe this is to be true. I have taken the stance that "You MUST want to get cheated on because this is how people get cheated on!" and her reply was "cheat on me and I'll take the kids and the house!" Like all of us I could go on and on... The fact that she can say if you cheat I will take the kids and the house really says a lot about her lack of love. I was no longer in love with my ex but I made sure the split was equitable so we could still both provide for the kids. Is your state a 50/50 state? Nowadays for a father not to get 50/50 is rare unless you work schedule prevented you from it. I say screw her one last time but not in the sexual way! Sorry if that was too much but she's not a nice person to say that. Sufferinhubby... I echo what Bballgirl said... It seems to me that your W has a lack of love. She is married to you because she is getting what *she* wants out of the marriage relationship (financial stability, perhaps kids, etc.). She may "like" you or she may love you just a little (platonic affection for a good friend or family member) but she doesn't love you as a spouse should, or as you deserve. True love between spouses involves each spouse *giving* to the other what *that* person wants or needs. When your W mentions things like "cheat on me and I'll take the kids and the house" it also shows how she wants to control you. That ended the conversation, right? She had the last say? She admitted that she "used" sex to attract a mate. She's getting what she wants. You could argue that maybe she said that when she was upset and she really didn't mean it but just wanted to get *you* upset. But that's unlikely. Why? Because there are multiple instances that all indicate she wants to *control* you and just get what she wants out of the relationship. You are a friend to her. What you do at this point is up to you. I am a rare bird that turned around a SM to that point where I feel loved enough to stay. It's a choice we all make every day... to stay or to leave. But the longer you stay in a SM, the more F'd in the head you're going to feel. FWIW... the only reason my W and I were able to turn around our 20-year SM was that we *both* admitted honestly that we weren't perfect and we *both* made some changes. And that only happened with the help of professional counseling, which we both admitted we needed because our marriage relationship was so bad we both felt we couldn't live that way anymore. Unless your W is willing to do something similar and change her ways (admittedly we did it but it is really hard to do after such a long time)... then I think your marriage will continue sliding more and more downhill. You've got to both want to change in order have any chance of success. TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 12, 2016 17:11:00 GMT -5
Intimacy is what I thought I had with my hub. He does all the right things, he hugs me often, he kisses me three times a day, he tells me when I look nice, he says "I love you" every day, he massages my aches, holds me when I cry, and talks to me about everything in his world. It's empty. I am not allowed to request anything that he does not freely give. To do so would be "making demands". "See all that I give you, you should be happy." I am Nora in "A Doll's House" Rhapsodee.... So it's kind of like the phrase: "Don't call me, I'll call you." Your hub is saying: "Don't touch me, I'll touch you." TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 6, 2016 22:16:20 GMT -5
Thank you for this post. Having arrived at EP in 2013, I missed this one. I missed a lot, actually. I am so glad you are here! Thanks JMX. I am glad to give something back / post things when I can. I may have turned around a SM but there is still plenty to learn and to share. TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 6, 2016 21:06:18 GMT -5
TMD - Happy to re-post and I'm glad it made a difference for you today. Please know that your original "Bed Song" post on EP eventually found its way to me and that post / video played a significant part in helping turn around my SM. I am ever so thankful you posted that several years ago. My W and I still are working to make things better... our relationship is not perfect and probably never will be, but it certainly falls in the "normal" zone now vs. being a SM. For that I am indebted to you. Thanks more than words can say.
TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 6, 2016 20:58:16 GMT -5
I know that he doesn't give a fuck......but this also seems to be part of Asperger's.....he just doesn't 'get it'. But then neither do I ? Mathdoll... I read this thread, and I think that him not wanting to have sex could be any number of things: - It could be due to Aspergers or similar mental / social health issues
- He could be using you
- It could be due to physical issues (you posted before about his physical difficulty getting aroused, correct?)
- He could be intimacy averse to the level most of us need
- It could be any combination of these, or something else not even listed here
With that in mind, read a separate story about "Basic Mismatch", a classic story that I just posted in the Best of EP folders here. It may give you some extra insight and something else to think about.
iliasm.org/thread/332/basic-mismatch
Best,
TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 6, 2016 20:50:18 GMT -5
I can't take credit for writing this, but it was posted several years ago by another EP member (Changewilldoyougood) who doesn't appear to have started a profile here. It received a ton of likes / hearts, and holds a lot of truths. I am reposting that story for the benefit of others here. For the time being, the original link on EP does not appear to be flagged in any way (e.g. grayed out because it's a "mature" topic)... so if you're interested in reading additional comments that other people posted to the original story, I'll include that direct link here as well. www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/2784032Here you go. TL2 ***** Basic MismatchI see lots of stories lately from people who are new and hopeful there will be a solution here they haven't thought of yet. They come here, post a story and get some feedback. Then they go about trying to fix the marriage. They read the same stories we've read and the same stories we've poured our hearts into writing. But their hearts are not ready yet, so as part of the ILIASM process they keep working at it. The hardest stories for me to see are the ones from people who have been working on things for a little while and have hope. Inside I hope for them too. But I know the reality of it. Many people come on here after a while of working at it to report great progress. And sometime after that - sometimes a few weeks, sometimes months - they come back to report that it was not a permanent fix and once the initial scramble to put things back the way they were faded, things went back the way they were before. To me - at this point in my process - it's pretty simple. No matter how much you compromise on something with your partner, no matter how much you are willing to accept and adjust your role in dysfunction, no matter how right you are or how right they are... if you want something in your life that they genuinely do not want then one (or both) of you will be unhappy and there will always be conflict in the relationship. There is a basic mismatch if a relationship is made up of one person who likes physical touch and one who feels no value from it. There is a basic mismatch if one person likes to talk deeply and vulnerably and another who is apprehensive about the vulnerability. There is a basic incompatibility if one person wants to have children and another does not. There is a basic mismatch if one person values a lot of alone time and the other craves near constant proximity to feel safe and secure in the relationship. There is a basic incompatibility if one person thinks sex once a month is quite enough and another wants it daily. You can compromise all you want on these basic things, but in the end both people will feel like they have given up a lot of what they view as a natural human desire and will see the other as somehow "broken" for not having it the same way. That goes for refusers who think we are sex crazed and the refused who find them cold and dispassionate. It's not that hard to find something better. By better I mean a relationship with someone who wants something closer to what it is that I want. That simply makes things easier. It flows better. You BOTH want the closeness (or not), the sex (or not), the touch (or not), the distance (or not) and so it is a) much more likely to happen and b) when it does happen, both members of the relationship don't feel they have compromised more than they wanted to. When you both want the same thing - whether it be a strong sexual relationship, children or lots of snuggling and touch - things just go much more smoothly. Incidentally, it is only when both members of the couple truly have the same goal first and foremost of the relationship being more important than whatever the reasons are that the marriage became so dysfunctional and sexless that there is any chance of saving the marriage. Since most of us have that basic mismatch with our partners on several levels, what are the chances we will be able to agree long term about the importance of this issue?
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 6, 2016 20:26:02 GMT -5
I think regardless of whether your partner / cuddle-friend has Aspergers or some other issue going on, you've got to look objectively at the situation and ask if he's making you happy *enough*, and if not, if he's making progress *enough* to make you happy. Life is short. SMs teach us that big time. I wish I could turn back the clock a decade or two and do part of my life over. But I can't. I have to accept the past and move forward. The problem is, there is decreasingly less meaningful time now... "good time" left. Hypothetically and to make the math simple, if someone is 50 and will live to an average life expectancy of 80, there are 30 years left in life (though none of us knows the day nor hour as they say). That's 3 decades of 10 years. It goes without saying that our health in the immediate next 10 years will be better than in our last 10 years of life. It's so important to enjoy the best of what we have left. That being said, for some of us life might end even sooner. Accept this but don't get depressed about it... turn it into a positive attitude to Carpe Diem and make the most of every day.
Bottom line, again: With limited time, you *have* to set deadlines to determine if your BF, GF, partner, spouse, etc. is progressing *enough* to make you happy. Talk it out. Don't hold anything back from what you *need* to be happy. Be nice about how you say it, but make all of your important needs known. Write out and know what your *deal breakers* are, and in a nice way, communicate those. If your partner / cuddle friend doesn't know that a certain request is really a need, or is a very important *deal breaker* need, then you can't fault him/her as much for not meeting that need. If someone knows that something is a *really* important need of yours, and if he/she truly loves you, then he/she will do what it takes to meet that need. Maybe not in a day or in a week, but in a reasonable time. And to make sure too much life doesn't "slip away", you have to think about what a reasonable time is, then put it out there... make it known... for your deal breaker needs at least.
That's my 2 cents. Hope these thoughts help. I've realized so much how good (or bad) communication can make or break a relationship. Communicate. Talk. Listen. Give. Take. Be Happy.
TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 6, 2016 0:39:40 GMT -5
FlashJohn - I read several of your stories in your blog, going back to January 2016 I believe. I consider myself a decent Christian too but in the last several years I have come to the obvious and inescapable conclusion that the church has no business telling people what to do with their private sex lives.
Re: your small group members, don't assume anything. I'd confide in the guys, one by one, and I bet you'd be surprised at how many would be supportive. They've very likely had to deal with a SM crisis at some point (e.g. going a *month* without sex, or something crazy like that), so they could advise on what to do as well as be that ear you can bend to confide in various things. Even if you're separated now, that support group from other guys would be tremendously helpful I think.
TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 4, 2016 0:22:23 GMT -5
Yes, the default mindset is that "Everyone wants sex, so if your spouse doesn't then it must be because you're somehow deficient in exciting them." There used to be a school of thought that the refuser should agree for a time (say, 2 weeks) to have sex anytime their spouse requested it. I think the idea was twofold: one, to show that when supply is plenty, demand is not incessant like it might appear; second, that having sex often isn't as bad or as tedious as imagined, and it greases the gears of the relationship to make other issues so much more tolerable. *** And, yes, I think it messed with my ideas about sex. Now I'm right back to being an awkward girl in her early teens, wondering if I will ever be sexy enough to attract a man in the first place...and then hold his interest. It killed my confidence in myself as a sexual woman. Smartkat - I know... the self doubt sucks. That's why I think it's important to focus on "building a better YOU", completely separate from your refuser. Whether it's working out at the gym, new hobbies, being involved with groups outside of work, eating healthy, etc. When you do these things it builds more confidence in you as a person, separate from your refuser. Then, with that new found confidence, you can transfer that to the romance and bedroom side of things. Nothing will be perfect the first time around but you should still be able to handle anything with a lot more confidence, especially compared to the prior low confidence.
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