mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 4, 2016 15:18:21 GMT -5
I was in a sexless marriage for 20 years. Hit my 49th birthday and met someone who completely blew me away sexually. Within 3 months we were living together, within 6 months I was divorced. We talked about getting married, buying somewhere together. We both have 'baggage' and have both been very ill at various times with depression. He also has Aspergers and possibly schizoid personality disorder (according to his psychiatrist). We had break ups but always sorted them out. After 2 years my new partner broke down in a restaurant and told me he wanted to break up but stay together as friends. That was 3 months ago. I moved out but we still spend a lot of time together, we cuddle, hold hands whenever we are together and he is always touching, stroking and kissing me. He tells me he loves me often.......but has said that we're not in a romantic relationship, won't kiss me on the mouth and although we often sleep in the same bed (spooning, cuddling) he won't have sex. (He did have a lot of difficulty reaching orgasm and also needed a lot of foreplay to get fully aroused.) I sometimes wonder whether he actually has always found sex difficult and just doesn't want the pressure? He can't explain why he feels as he says, still wants a future with me and thinks it's silly that I have my own home. I know he struggles to cope with daily life and he often says that I saved him from oblivion.
Can anyone help me to understand better what might be going on?
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Post by JMX on Apr 4, 2016 15:27:23 GMT -5
Wow. An Aspy may be a hard one to handle if you don't want the sexless marriage. I don't know... Maybe someone else can answer that. I would love to hear about an Aspy that is into sex - I have not yet.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 4, 2016 15:42:35 GMT -5
The first thing is stop thinking that there is anything wrong with you. There is not.
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Post by Dan on Apr 4, 2016 16:11:05 GMT -5
He also has Aspergers and possibly schizoid personality disorder (according to his psychiatrist). ... Can anyone help me to understand better what might be going on? If your partner is willing to "let you in" to his mental health diagnosis/treatment, that sounds like a good place to start. Would he allow you to go along to his psychiatrist visits? I go along with one of my adult family member visits; there is usually a short time when the doctor asks "how is it going", and I can make observations "I think this is going well; I think this is getting worse". Then often the doctor will ask me to step out, and the two will chat privately briefly. I like this arrangement, it is working well for everyone: the doctor gains the benefit of a family member's view; my family member gets to hear my praise and concerns. Next, if all are amenable, consider talk therapy. Does your partner see a talk therapist? If he and his therapist would be open to occasional joint sessions, you might be able to get in the same pattern as I mentioned above. This would be the right place for you to talk about your feelings due to the reduction or loss of physical intimacy. Maybe the therapist could recommend activities or additional communication skills to -- over time -- address the issues. Now... if your partner is NOT willing to do any of that, that is a whole other can of worms.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 5, 2016 1:46:15 GMT -5
Thanks. Those are some really helpful ideas.
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Post by sand5280 on Apr 5, 2016 18:13:35 GMT -5
I know he struggles to cope with daily life and he often says that I saved him from oblivion. Maybe this quote can help you to be patient, and it sounds like he needs you. If you have gone this far, and are looking for help in the situation, you mean to attain success. Also a reminder, consensus is not to point too much finger on yourself, but also don't forget you are a part of it. I know it sounds contradictory.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 8, 2016 4:33:50 GMT -5
I don't think that it's contradictory, it's about balance. I am willing to accept my share of the situation. I have my own history and problems - including Aspie traits and a habit of avoidance!
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Post by unmatched on Apr 10, 2016 21:44:21 GMT -5
I don't think that it's contradictory, it's about balance. I am willing to accept my share of the situation. I have my own history and problems - including Aspie traits and a habit of avoidance! It is going to be very hard to find balance unless he wants the same basic things out of a relationship that you do. The balance is always going to be tipped by you wanting more and him feeling he needs to pull back. Unless you can seriously address that together you are likely to keep slipping back into the same rut.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 10, 2016 22:22:11 GMT -5
Wow. An Aspy may be a hard one to handle if you don't want the sexless marriage. I don't know... Maybe someone else can answer that. I would love to hear about an Aspy that is into sex - I have not yet. Holy cow, yes, this is likely to be hard. I strongly suspect W is mildly Aspy; it runs in her side of the family. Aside from occasionally getting angry, she is completely stuck in neutral - never excited, overly happy, not very empathetic. Hates intimacy, fears vulnerability / openness, gets no pleasure from sex. If a sexual relationship is important, this is a huge, red, flashing warning.
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Post by JMX on Apr 10, 2016 22:23:16 GMT -5
I always suspect my husband is a touch Aspy as well.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 11, 2016 16:24:04 GMT -5
Wow. The Aspie suggestion makes sense. I had read about sensitivity to certain types of touching, certain textures and being overwhelmed. I also read about sexual obsession and a link with some perversions but had never considered a lack of desire. Doing some research has shown me that there is a link, but he started off quite active. However he has never been really passionate, always been very conservative, takes a long time to arouse and is frequently anorgasmic. But he was a great lover: gentle, thoughtful, reciprocal and lasted a longtime!
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 6, 2016 20:26:02 GMT -5
I think regardless of whether your partner / cuddle-friend has Aspergers or some other issue going on, you've got to look objectively at the situation and ask if he's making you happy *enough*, and if not, if he's making progress *enough* to make you happy. Life is short. SMs teach us that big time. I wish I could turn back the clock a decade or two and do part of my life over. But I can't. I have to accept the past and move forward. The problem is, there is decreasingly less meaningful time now... "good time" left. Hypothetically and to make the math simple, if someone is 50 and will live to an average life expectancy of 80, there are 30 years left in life (though none of us knows the day nor hour as they say). That's 3 decades of 10 years. It goes without saying that our health in the immediate next 10 years will be better than in our last 10 years of life. It's so important to enjoy the best of what we have left. That being said, for some of us life might end even sooner. Accept this but don't get depressed about it... turn it into a positive attitude to Carpe Diem and make the most of every day.
Bottom line, again: With limited time, you *have* to set deadlines to determine if your BF, GF, partner, spouse, etc. is progressing *enough* to make you happy. Talk it out. Don't hold anything back from what you *need* to be happy. Be nice about how you say it, but make all of your important needs known. Write out and know what your *deal breakers* are, and in a nice way, communicate those. If your partner / cuddle friend doesn't know that a certain request is really a need, or is a very important *deal breaker* need, then you can't fault him/her as much for not meeting that need. If someone knows that something is a *really* important need of yours, and if he/she truly loves you, then he/she will do what it takes to meet that need. Maybe not in a day or in a week, but in a reasonable time. And to make sure too much life doesn't "slip away", you have to think about what a reasonable time is, then put it out there... make it known... for your deal breaker needs at least.
That's my 2 cents. Hope these thoughts help. I've realized so much how good (or bad) communication can make or break a relationship. Communicate. Talk. Listen. Give. Take. Be Happy.
TL2
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Post by Dan on May 6, 2016 23:10:59 GMT -5
timeforliving2: thanks for saying that, and for saying in that way. There were certain voice on EP which encouraged the same thing, but seemed to come across as cranky and/or scoldy: "What's the matter with you for not leaving now? I left, I'm better, what's wrong with you? Leave already, or you are weak and will be forever miserable!" Your message is: carpe diem; do what will maximize your happiness; do it for you. No scolding: just good, positive, enabling advice. Thank you.
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