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Post by eternaloptimism on May 3, 2016 12:47:50 GMT -5
I'm just sitting here daydreaming about life after my SM .... which is likely to be a long while from now as my refuser is a pro at stalling for time! Anyway, it's got me thinking that what if the high sex drive I have is in part down to the fact that we don't have sex? What if I do escape, and go nuts in the first months getting as much as I can, then find that actually I only wanted it so much because of being denied it constantly? Has anyone found this? I'm great at putting doubts in my own mind ha ha. Thanks  |
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Post by Dan on May 3, 2016 13:06:28 GMT -5
My SM has lead me through many ups and downs in my attitude toward sex. When I started outsourcing (~15 years ago), I was like a kid in a candy store. Or maybe: like a horny teen coming into all kinds of new and wonderful sexual experiences. (These are experiences I did not have before I was married.) But these days I'm off the outsourcing treadmill (you know: one relationship ends, lick your wounds, start looking again), and since I'm much closer to throwing in the towel on my marriage, I'm also getting oddly shy about the prospects of actual sex. In part weighed down by the expected effort a divorce. In part weighed down by my actual weight: I've engaged in way too much "emotional eating" while being sad about my SM. I still love to think and write about sex... but I think I'm going to need a patient woman to let me find my groove again. Or her groove. (OK, I was NOT planning that double entendre. I swear! It just happens when I see what I write...) But, eternaloptimism , to your direct question, in my pre-SM days, I very much found that if I was getting sex ~twice a week, I thought about sex a day or so before I got it. But if we went over a week without sex, I thought about it every hour of every day. So, yes, I'd bet that once the "scarcity" around sex is eliminated in your life, you will likely be a little less crazed about it. Then again: maybe you are a female horndog, and you'll be insatiable... who knows! |
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Post by bballgirl on May 3, 2016 13:14:37 GMT -5
I have wondered often if my husband enjoyed sex and we had a normal sex life if by now I would be not so into sex now.
At the end of my marriage my ex had health issues so sex was not an option for him. My issues about sex with the ex went back to year one of marriage, and of course all of the other issues that had nothing to do with sex.
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Post by wewbwb on May 3, 2016 13:36:15 GMT -5
Then again: maybe you are a female horndog, and you'll be insatiable... who knows! We can hope... |
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Post by LITW on May 3, 2016 14:45:40 GMT -5
Unfortunately, my SM has caused me to develop a "the fox and the grapes" attitude about sex. As much as I want a happy and healthy sex life, I have nagging doubts it would ever happen even if I were to leave.
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Post by wewbwb on May 3, 2016 14:48:11 GMT -5
Ha! Ohms law. Love it.
I don't know the fox and the grapes story, but I do know that if you had a loving and caring partner, in three weeks your outlook would change.
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 14:55:16 GMT -5
Unfortunately, my SM has caused me to develop a "the fox and the grapes" attitude about sex. As much as I want a happy and healthy sex life, I have nagging doubts it would ever happen even if I were to leave. I have no doubt I'd have lots of sex -- and have fun doing it. I'm just not sure that is really the key to fulfillment in my life. I've been there and done that a few times already. I thought there was something I had to have in my life, poured myself into achieving it, only to find it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Sometimes I wonder if I'm such a two peckered billy goat only because it's the one thing I don't have. I see this pattern everywhere -- folks think the thing they don't have is the One Thing they need more than anything else. |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 15:02:29 GMT -5
I have actually thought about this quite a bit. It is funny to think about it, but I do wonder if I had been able to have a reasonable amount of sex in marriage, would I be so obsessed with it now? It's kind of like the saying, "sex is like oxygen, you don't think about it at all unless you aren't getting any."
The problem is that this is a silent issue. And if one spouse is unhappy with the sex in marriage, the first thing that is said is for the refused person to do something different so the refuser will want sex more. Yet, you rarely hear anyone telling the refuser that he/she needs to get his/her shit together.
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 15:18:27 GMT -5
I have actually thought about this quite a bit. It is funny to think about it, but I do wonder if I had been able to have a reasonable amount of sex in marriage, would I be so obsessed with it now? It's kind of like the saying, "sex is like oxygen, you don't think about it at all unless you aren't getting any." The problem is that this is a silent issue. And if one spouse is unhappy with the sex in marriage, the first thing that is said is for the refused person to do something different so the refuser will want sex more. Yet, you rarely hear anyone telling the refuser that he/she needs to get his/her shit together. I know folks that struggle financially. They get off on the money they don't have. Many of them gamble -- kind of like porn for folks without money. I know folks that think they didn't accomplish this or that. They lament that like we lament not having successful marriages. Contentment is TOUGH! |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 15:56:25 GMT -5
I'm just sitting here daydreaming about life after my SM .... which is likely to be a long while from now as my refuser is a pro at stalling for time! Anyway, it's got me thinking that what if the high sex drive I have is in part down to the fact that we don't have sex? What if I do escape, and go nuts in the first months getting as much as I can, then find that actually I only wanted it so much because of being denied it constantly? Has anyone found this? I'm great at putting doubts in my own mind ha ha. Thanks The one thing that diminished my libido was menopause...not at the start or middle of it, but at the end. It takes years to go through it. It just so happened that the end of it coincided with my being single, which I suppose is a blessing as I'm still sexless, and probably will remain so for life. I'm glad to be this way now because burning with desire is a terrible burden to carry for years when there is no fulfillment of it. I do feel horny from time to time, and I now count myself lucky not to feel that way every day as I did for most of 25-years. That was utter misery. |
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Post by unmatched on May 3, 2016 18:09:34 GMT -5
Unfortunately, my SM has caused me to develop a "the fox and the grapes" attitude about sex. As much as I want a happy and healthy sex life, I have nagging doubts it would ever happen even if I were to leave. I have no doubt I'd have lots of sex -- and have fun doing it. I'm just not sure that is really the key to fulfillment in my life. I've been there and done that a few times already. I thought there was something I had to have in my life, poured myself into achieving it, only to find it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Sometimes I wonder if I'm such a two peckered billy goat only because it's the one thing I don't have. I see this pattern everywhere -- folks think the thing they don't have is the One Thing they need more than anything else. I think there is definitely some truth in that, and I have wondered the same thing. But I think in a SM sex is not really the issue. It is usually more about a lack of connection, a lack of intimacy and an unwillingness from one partner (or even both?) to really give themselves fully to their spouse and their marriage. I think we focus very much on the sex because it is such an obvious physiological impetus to change something, but I think it is the more intangible things that are missing which are more harmful to us in the long run. And I think it is healthier to be lonely and single than it is to be lonely and held at arms length by somebody who claims to love you. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 3, 2016 19:02:43 GMT -5
I think there is definitely some truth in that, and I have wondered the same thing. But I think in a SM sex is not really the issue. It is usually more about a lack of connection, a lack of intimacy and an unwillingness from one partner (or even both?) to really give themselves fully to their spouse and their marriage. I think we focus very much on the sex because it is such an obvious physiological impetus to change something, but I think it is the more intangible things that are missing which are more harmful to us in the long run. And I think it is healthier to be lonely and single than it is to be lonely and held at arms length by somebody who claims to love you. You said that very well! I find whenever people ask me, " how are you and the wife doing?" If and when I go into it, I don't just use the term" sexless". I say, "sexless and loveless marriage " then comes the detached, asexual ,manipulative controller part,and they seem to get the picture. i am sure every marriage has a " canal" full of problems. Spread out streaming in different directions. But a sexless problem seems to Cary little weight. Too many controlling spouses care more about who takes out the garbage, than they do intimacy! More spouses need to have a reservoir filled with peace, joy, fulfillment, happiness,( sex and intimacy are part of that) that can spill over when needed. Not a canal that is wide spread, fills with sand, and dries up! |
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Post by DryCreek on May 3, 2016 19:17:53 GMT -5
And if one spouse is unhappy with the sex in marriage, the first thing that is said is for the refused person to do something different so the refuser will want sex more. Yet, you rarely hear anyone telling the refuser that he/she needs to get his/her shit together. Yes, the default mindset is that "Everyone wants sex, so if your spouse doesn't then it must be because you're somehow deficient in exciting them." There used to be a school of thought that the refuser should agree for a time (say, 2 weeks) to have sex anytime their spouse requested it. I think the idea was twofold: one, to show that when supply is plenty, demand is not incessant like it might appear; second, that having sex often isn't as bad or as tedious as imagined, and it greases the gears of the relationship to make other issues so much more tolerable. |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 20:35:46 GMT -5
And if one spouse is unhappy with the sex in marriage, the first thing that is said is for the refused person to do something different so the refuser will want sex more. Yet, you rarely hear anyone telling the refuser that he/she needs to get his/her shit together. Yes, the default mindset is that "Everyone wants sex, so if your spouse doesn't then it must be because you're somehow deficient in exciting them." There used to be a school of thought that the refuser should agree for a time (say, 2 weeks) to have sex anytime their spouse requested it. I think the idea was twofold: one, to show that when supply is plenty, demand is not incessant like it might appear; second, that having sex often isn't as bad or as tedious as imagined, and it greases the gears of the relationship to make other issues so much more tolerable. Did any refusers actually DO that, though? I remember going to my refuser with some sensate focus exercises I had found online. He agreed that we would do this. It's intended to be done in several sessions. We did it ONCE...then there were a few weeks of excuses....then he said he didn't like having things so planned and unspontaneous. And, yes, I think it messed with my ideas about sex. Now I'm right back to being an awkward girl in her early teens, wondering if I will ever be sexy enough to attract a man in the first place...and then hold his interest. It killed my confidence in myself as a sexual woman. |
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Post by unmatched on May 3, 2016 20:41:26 GMT -5
I remember going to my refuser with some sensate focus exercises I had found online. He agreed that we would do this. It's intended to be done in several sessions. We did it ONCE...then there were a few weeks of excuses....then he said he didn't like having things so planned and unspontaneous. I had that! My W never liked kissing, or making out, or foreplay, so there was no way to gradually morph from affection into sex, or to get her slowly turned on. So we tried scheduling sex, and then she complained about it being unspontaneous. How are you supposed to have spontaneous sex with somebody who never spontaneously wants to go there? |
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