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Post by misssunnybunny on May 3, 2016 20:46:19 GMT -5
And, yes, I think it messed with my ideas about sex. Now I'm right back to being an awkward girl in her early teens, wondering if I will ever be sexy enough to attract a man in the first place...and then hold his interest. It killed my confidence in myself as a sexual woman. Yes, so agree with this. I am confident in other areas of my life. This one, not so much. |
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 3, 2016 20:49:35 GMT -5
I have wondered often if my husband enjoyed sex and we had a normal sex life if by now I would be not so into sex now. At the end of my marriage my ex had health issues so sex was not an option for him. My issues about sex with the ex went back to year one of marriage, and of course all of the other issues that had nothing to do with sex. Of course... *none* of the other issues had to do with your lack of sex. (sarcasm) It's all of the other issues that were the problem. But seriously, I would have been a whole new person too if we would have had regular sex since year 1 of marriage. |
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Post by itsjustus on May 3, 2016 21:05:38 GMT -5
Speaking as someone post-SM who did have sex, (and since we ARE in the post SM forum)....I can say it was wonderful, exhilarating, and beyond anything I'd experienced in my SM. And in this post SM relationship, there was love, affection and intimacy. And I couldn't get enough, metaphorically. I literally broke...uh....personal records... At this age, with my maturity now, I could explore things, ask for things, and be completely honest and upfront with my needs, desires, and wishes. So yes, my interest in sex went thru the roof!!! But here's the interesting thing, what completely blew me away! This was a long distance relationship, so there were long periods of time between being together. And to my amazement, I found that the sexual frustration and constant burning desire I had for sex that I had while in my SM...just wasn't there when we were apart. How odd!! Here I was, involved with someone who readily, and lovingly, gave me sexual nirvana, and I was calm and collected. I know it was because I had the internal assurance that I was sexually accepted and wouldn't be rejected, but more importantly, I was comfortable that I was ok, it wasn't me that was broke...and that I had someone who accepted me, desired me, and wanted me. I knew that regardless of the distance or time, when we did get together, we were so open and honest with our desires and yes...lust...that I didn't have to worry about having just sex. I could look forward to being in the ultimate embrace of a relationship. So was I worried about having a high sex drive now and having it wane later? Not in the least. It never was the quantity it turns out. It was the quality. It never was the actual sex act, it was the love, intimacy, and soul satisfying acceptance while in someone's intimate embrace. Coming from a SM made it sweeter. Having a high sex drive just makes it better....  |
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Post by Dan on May 3, 2016 21:41:31 GMT -5
There used to be a school of thought that the refuser should agree for a time (say, 2 weeks) to have sex anytime their spouse requested it. I think the idea was twofold: one, to show that when supply is plenty, demand is not incessant like it might appear; second, that having sex often isn't as bad or as tedious as imagined, and it greases the gears of the relationship to make other issues so much more tolerable. This is pretty much the concept of The Forty Beads method, which I wrote about on EP: www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/6763433I heartily believe the author is on to something. I also believe by the time one member of the couple is Googling "sexless marriage" and finds ILIASM, it is too late for this to work. I bought and read the book. It was a very enjoyable read and very convincing that it some cases it would work. What kind of cases? Not a sexless marriage; more like the case of a "flagging sex life of a suburban couple drained by the regular grind of family life... but who do still cherish each other." The concept is: wife gives pouch of 40 beads to the husband. The husband places a bead in a bowl on her night stand; she acknowledges his romantic request, and they have sex sometime in the next 24 hours. Crazy? Read the book: I'm telling you it makes sense... for the cases where "scheduling" and "being run ragged by family life" is the main barrier. I gave the book to my wife. To my amazement, she figured she'd be willing to try and gave me forty beads. But this was after 5 years of a sexlessness, and 20 preceding years where I really feel like I had to do the lion's share of "making romance happen or it wouldn't". So, alas, there was too much baggage. I was already pretty far down the slope of "counter refusing". She had already conditioned me -- in the prior two decades -- that wanting sex from her was a pointless exercise. Plus, the book didn't make her any more romantic or passionate or desirous about sex; it just made her more "available". And I found: that wasn't enough. So at this point I still have 34 beads tucked away in a pouch in my nightstand. |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 22:16:36 GMT -5
I'm just sitting here daydreaming about life after my SM .... which is likely to be a long while from now as my refuser is a pro at stalling for time! Anyway, it's got me thinking that what if the high sex drive I have is in part down to the fact that we don't have sex? What if I do escape, and go nuts in the first months getting as much as I can, then find that actually I only wanted it so much because of being denied it constantly? Has anyone found this? I'm great at putting doubts in my own mind ha ha. Thanks  You're not leaving over a lack of sex, you're leaving over a lack of intimacy. Even if you find out sex doesn't really matter as much as you think it does now, you'll be amazed at how much better you feel once you're out. More likely though you'll find that you still love sex but it won't be such a huge deal. It won't be this gigantic cloud over your head, something you are always frustrated and angry with someone over. It will just be a normal part of life. What a relief. Some days you'll have sex, others you won't feel like it, and that's fine because you'll do it tomorrow or on Saturday. |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 22:30:00 GMT -5
I remember going to my refuser with some sensate focus exercises I had found online. He agreed that we would do this. It's intended to be done in several sessions. We did it ONCE...then there were a few weeks of excuses....then he said he didn't like having things so planned and unspontaneous. I had that! My W never liked kissing, or making out, or foreplay, so there was no way to gradually morph from affection into sex, or to get her slowly turned on. So we tried scheduling sex, and then she complained about it being unspontaneous. How are you supposed to have spontaneous sex with somebody who never spontaneously wants to go there? If she rules out spontaneous and unspontaneous...she's off the hook! |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 22:53:01 GMT -5
There used to be a school of thought that the refuser should agree for a time (say, 2 weeks) to have sex anytime their spouse requested it. I think the idea was twofold: one, to show that when supply is plenty, demand is not incessant like it might appear; second, that having sex often isn't as bad or as tedious as imagined, and it greases the gears of the relationship to make other issues so much more tolerable. This is pretty much the concept of The Forty Beads method, which I wrote about on EP: www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/6763433I heartily believe the author is on to something. I also believe by the time one member of the couple is Googling "sexless marriage" and finds ILIASM, it is too late for this to work. I bought and read the book. It was a very enjoyable read and very convincing that it some cases it would work. What kind of cases? Not a sexless marriage; more like the case of a "flagging sex life of a suburban couple drained by the regular grind of family life... but who do still cherish each other." The concept is: wife gives pouch of 40 beads to the husband. The husband places a bead in a bowl on her night stand; she acknowledges his romantic request, and they have sex sometime in the next 24 hours. Crazy? Read the book: I'm telling you it makes sense... for the cases where "scheduling" and "being run ragged by family life" is the main barrier. I gave the book to my wife. To my amazement, she figured she'd be willing to try and gave me forty beads. But this was after 5 years of a sexlessness, and 20 preceding years where I really feel like I had to do the lion's share of "making romance happen or it wouldn't". So, alas, there was too much baggage. I was already pretty far down the slope of "counter refusing". She had already conditioned me -- in the prior two decades -- that wanting sex from her was a pointless exercise. Plus, the book didn't make her any more romantic or passionate or desirous about sex; it just made her more "available". And I found: that wasn't enough. So at this point I still have 34 beads tucked away in a pouch in my nightstand. What happens if you put two beads in the bowl? |
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Post by unmatched on May 3, 2016 22:56:14 GMT -5
What happens if you thread them onto a piece of string and cover them in lube and leave them in the bowl like that?
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 4, 2016 0:05:44 GMT -5
... But here's the interesting thing, what completely blew me away! ...This was a long distance relationship, so there were long periods of time between being together. And to my amazement, I found that the sexual frustration and constant burning desire I had for sex that I had while in my SM...just wasn't there when we were apart. How odd!! ... I know it was because I had the internal assurance that I was sexually accepted and wouldn't be rejected, but more importantly, I was comfortable that I was ok, it wasn't me that was broke...and that I had someone who accepted me, desired me, and wanted me. I knew that regardless of the distance or time, when we did get together, we were so open and honest with our desires and yes...lust...that I didn't have to worry about having just sex. I could look forward to being in the ultimate embrace of a relationship. ... Very happy for you Itsjustus. There are 4 things you mention that are "key" / crucial IMHO: 1. You weren't rejected 2. You were sexually accepted 3. Your partner "wanted" you 4. You could be open and honest about anything including your intimate desires. For anyone who's been in a SM, I think this is a natural progression of what we really want, post SM, however we get there. More than anything we don't want to be rejected anymore. The pain and hurt from this goes beyond words... it's so damaging to your self worth long term. If you make it past that point, it's another step for you to be sexually accepted. The next step is to be "wanted"/sexually and intimately desired by your partner. Finally, to be completely open and honest about anything, including your intimate desires, is right there at the top of what everyone hopes for in a great, loving relationship. Your post was good to mention all of these things at once. I just thought I'd break it out into 4 steps as I see it. Helpful to know. What do you think friends... Do we have all of the major steps or are we missing any here? TL2 |
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 4, 2016 0:22:23 GMT -5
Yes, the default mindset is that "Everyone wants sex, so if your spouse doesn't then it must be because you're somehow deficient in exciting them." There used to be a school of thought that the refuser should agree for a time (say, 2 weeks) to have sex anytime their spouse requested it. I think the idea was twofold: one, to show that when supply is plenty, demand is not incessant like it might appear; second, that having sex often isn't as bad or as tedious as imagined, and it greases the gears of the relationship to make other issues so much more tolerable. *** And, yes, I think it messed with my ideas about sex. Now I'm right back to being an awkward girl in her early teens, wondering if I will ever be sexy enough to attract a man in the first place...and then hold his interest. It killed my confidence in myself as a sexual woman. Smartkat - I know... the self doubt sucks. That's why I think it's important to focus on "building a better YOU", completely separate from your refuser. Whether it's working out at the gym, new hobbies, being involved with groups outside of work, eating healthy, etc. When you do these things it builds more confidence in you as a person, separate from your refuser. Then, with that new found confidence, you can transfer that to the romance and bedroom side of things. Nothing will be perfect the first time around but you should still be able to handle anything with a lot more confidence, especially compared to the prior low confidence. |
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Post by itsjustus on May 4, 2016 0:48:21 GMT -5
... But here's the interesting thing, what completely blew me away! ...This was a long distance relationship, so there were long periods of time between being together. And to my amazement, I found that the sexual frustration and constant burning desire I had for sex that I had while in my SM...just wasn't there when we were apart. How odd!! ... I know it was because I had the internal assurance that I was sexually accepted and wouldn't be rejected, but more importantly, I was comfortable that I was ok, it wasn't me that was broke...and that I had someone who accepted me, desired me, and wanted me. I knew that regardless of the distance or time, when we did get together, we were so open and honest with our desires and yes...lust...that I didn't have to worry about having just sex. I could look forward to being in the ultimate embrace of a relationship. ... Very happy for you Itsjustus. There are 4 things you mention that are "key" / crucial IMHO: 1. You weren't rejected 2. You were sexually accepted 3. Your partner "wanted" you 4. You could be open and honest about anything including your intimate desires. For anyone who's been in a SM, I think this is a natural progression of what we really want, post SM, however we get there. More than anything we don't want to be rejected anymore. The pain and hurt from this goes beyond words... it's so damaging to your self worth long term. If you make it past that point, it's another step for you to be sexually accepted. The next step is to be "wanted"/sexually and intimately desired by your partner. Finally, to be completely open and honest about anything, including your intimate desires, is right there at the top of what everyone hopes for in a great, loving relationship. Your post was good to mention all of these things at once. I just thought I'd break it out into 4 steps as I see it. Helpful to know. What do you think friends... Do we have all of the major steps or are we missing any here? TL2 Thank you TL2! For listing them so well! I share your humble opinion, entirely. I specifically made a point of mentioning them all at once, in this post. They were the key, most fundamental things missing from my 32 years of a SM and of course, the most stunning things I noted being different in that post SM relationship. Especially #4. The other three were things that damaged me, that even came up in this relationship and I was horribly sensitive too, especially any hint of #1, rejection. It's was eventually devastating to my marriage, and me, and it caused issues even in this relationship. I was fortunate to be with someone who knew these as well, and completely understood. Made an effort when it was apparent that I'd either taken something wrong because of that sensitivity or did actually feel rejected, and rectified it. Unending rejection is soul crushing, and in the long term, very damaging. But number four, being able to be COMPLETLY open and honest..especially about my intimate desires, was beyond what I thought I'd ever have in life. It was truly amazing, and is now a requisite for any future relationships. I think everyone, not just us at ILIASM, would want to strive for that. I don't think it's that common....but I wouldn't know. Though this relationship is very sadly over, I have to consider myself very fortunate to have experienced it. I hope I can find such a thing again. I hope all of us can...either in the current marriage, or in a future relationship. It's how it should be. It should be our normal. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 4, 2016 13:45:45 GMT -5
hello you lot  ?  thanks for your comments, it's nice to feel understood!! I am sneaking 5 minutes on here from the refuge of my bath and have gone through all the human emotions reading some of the stories here. I Hope to find a chunk of time to respond to stories soon.,, I'm on here secretly like a flipping school kid ?xx |
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 4, 2016 23:51:43 GMT -5
He he. Feels naughty!
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Post by LITW on May 5, 2016 10:46:32 GMT -5
It is, but I do naughty well  |
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Post by RumRunner on May 6, 2016 14:50:24 GMT -5
I'm just sitting here daydreaming about life after my SM .... which is likely to be a long while from now as my refuser is a pro at stalling for time! Anyway, it's got me thinking that what if the high sex drive I have is in part down to the fact that we don't have sex? What if I do escape, and go nuts in the first months getting as much as I can, then find that actually I only wanted it so much because of being denied it constantly? Has anyone found this? I'm great at putting doubts in my own mind ha ha. Thanks I can't answer this because I am still in this SM. But I do think about this too.. and in fact I have fears that I would never be able to satisfy anyone due to my own inexperience from being in this SM for all these years. I do believe that I am too damaged and should I ever leave this SM, I would only find myself alone. |
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thanks for your comments, it's nice to feel understood!! 
