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Post by eternaloptimism on May 30, 2016 2:33:08 GMT -5
@jasonl. I think age and experience makes us want it more now too.
I was so embarrassed and hung up about the whole thing!
Now I accept the normalcy of sex at last...and it's off the table grrrrr. I find that hard!
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Post by deleted on Jun 2, 2016 23:07:52 GMT -5
Yes. My attitude is really shitty at the moment toward marriage and sex. I feel really repulsive and ugly at the moment despite have a 9.2 rating on hotornot.com. At 54, I am almost resigned to being celibate the rest of my life.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 3, 2016 2:19:33 GMT -5
What is this hotornot thing deleted? And don't let your insecurities win... That's what they want !  x |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 4, 2016 11:20:35 GMT -5
I've been out of my SM since July 2012, so almost exactly four years. I can tell you that by the end of it my ex had me completely convinced that I was repulsive to men. He criticized and blamed me for his ED, including the wetness level of my vagina, the texture of my pubic hair, my aggressiveness in bed, my lack of aggressiveness. Whatever I did, whatever I was, it was wrong. And MY FAULT.
Nonetheless, I stil had a small voice inside that kept questioning how I could be that repulsive. I was in my 30's, in good shape, above average I think in the looks dept, with a nice rack, a sense of style and no body image issues whatsoever. I mean, I never had trouble meeting men before I was married. Had I really changed that much? I know I'm not every guy's dream but I'm definitely not a nightmare either.
Then in April of 2012 I had a brief but incredibly HOT affair in Italy. It was like a super sexy Upstairs Downstairs scenario with an older guy who worked on the premises of where I was living. There's nothing to wake you up like hearing a sexy Italian say "Ti voglio" (I want you) again and again while ripping your clothes off. Among other things! And suddenly, my self confidence was BACK.
In July I kicked my ex's passive aggressive ass out. I was so obsessed with sex at that point after having the affair and proceeded to have a couple more flings. In each case, to my complete SHOCK, not only did the guy want me, he felt lucky to be with me! What on earth??? Here my ex had been rejecting me for years and apparently I was a hot ticket the whole time! What??
Then I met my husband, who is not only handsome and sexy but 11 years younger than me. It never even occurred to me he could be interested, but he developed a thing for me and our first encounter was 8 days long with INCREDIBLE sex 3-4 times a day. Whatever was left of my SM-induced hang ups at the point were obliterated. But not just because of the sex. Because I could really be myself with him, I could trust him with my feelings, I felt completely and totally respected, heard and seen.
Since then we've had a daughter (now 2) with a son on the way, tons of problems thrown at us from every conceivable angle. So not having sex 3 times a day, or even 3 times a week. It goes up and down depending on our energy/stress levels but it's never a big deal. If one is into it, the other gets naturally turned on by that desire. We almost never say no to each other. And when we have a rare vacation or night off, we are on each other nonstop! The amazing part is that however I feel, if I want more sex or pregnancy is making me too sick or whatever, he hears me, he responds, and we BOTH find a way to make it work for the other. I have some lingering feelings of worry if we don't have sex for awhile leftover from my SM trauma, but it's instantly assuaged as soon as I bring it up to him. And he's sensitive to it and always makes me feel desired even if he's exhausted.
Sorry for the long post, but this is all to say that life after a SM can be pretty freaking amazing---it's not something you should fear! It doesn't have to mean you are traumatized for life, or that you can never get over it. For me it's more like a long bad dream that I've mostly forgotten.
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Post by baza on Jun 4, 2016 20:55:43 GMT -5
NYartgal's post prompts me to give my perspective - from 6.8 years out of my ILIASM deal, and 6 years in to the relationship of my life, and being an old guy.
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The paucity of sex was not the fundamental problem in my ILIASM deal, but it was a highly visible symptom of the underlying cause.
The sexual aspects of my ILIASM deal were not - alone - sufficient grounds for me to get out. I had come to terms with that, and accepted the relationship for what it was, a "Financial Partnership".
But when issues arose that potentially put that "Financial Partnership" at risk, that WAS sufficient reason (for me) to call a halt to the deal. The lack of sex didn't really come in to those deliberations. It wasn't a major factor in the decision.
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Turning now to the relationship I am in today, sex is an integral part of it.
Initially, I nearly wore my dick to a frazzle from rooting in the early days of our deal, and now, 6 years in, I can't recall refusing a root - or being refused a root over that period. But the rooting - as brilliant and fulfilling and connective as it is - does not define the relationship. It is a treasured part of the picture, but not "the" picture (although when we engage, it IS the only thing in our heads AT THAT TIME)
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Has my attitude to sex changed ?
I guess not.
But when there was no sex in my life, I used to think about it a LOT !!!
Now, when it is on tap, on demand, I don't think about it a real lot. It's just 'there', part of the deal.
And it's a fucking BRILLIANT part of the deal.
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Post by itsjustus on Jun 4, 2016 20:56:31 GMT -5
I've been out of my SM since July 2012, so almost exactly four years. I can tell you that by the end of it my ex had me completely convinced that I was repulsive to men. He criticized and blamed me for his ED, including the wetness level of my vagina, the texture of my pubic hair, my aggressiveness in bed, my lack of aggressiveness. Whatever I did, whatever I was, it was wrong. And MY FAULT. Nonetheless, I stil had a small voice inside that kept questioning how I could be that repulsive. I was in my 30's, in good shape, above average I think in the looks dept, with a nice rack, a sense of style and no body image issues whatsoever. I mean, I never had trouble meeting men before I was married. Had I really changed that much? I know I'm not every guy's dream but I'm definitelynot a nightmare either. Then in April of 2012 I had a brief but incredibly HOT affair in Italy. It was like a super sexy Upstairs Downstairs scenario with an older guy who worked on the premises of where I was living. There's nothing to wake you up like hearing a sexy Italian say "Ti voglio" (I want you) again and again while ripping your clothes off. Among other things! And suddenly, my self confidence was BACK. In July I kicked my ex's passive aggressive ass out. I was so obsessed with sex at that point after having the affair and proceeded to have a couple more flings. In each case, to my complete SHOCK, not only did the guy want me, he felt lucky to be with me! What on earth??? Here my ex had been rejecting me for years and apparently I was a hot ticket the whole time! What?? Then I met my husband, who is not only handsome and sexy but 11 years younger than me. It never even occurred to me he could be interested, but he developed a thing for me and our first encounter was 8 days long with INCREDIBLE sex 3-4 times a day. Whatever was left of my SM-induced hang ups at the point were obliterated. But not just because of the sex. Because I could really be myself with him, I could trust him with my feelings, I felt completely and totally respected, heard and seen. Since then we've had a daughter (now 2) with a son on the way, tons of problems thrown at us from every conceivable angle. So not having sex 3 times a day, or even 3 times a week. It goes up and down depending on our energy/stress levels but it's never a big deal. If one is into it, the other gets naturally turned on by that desire. We almost never say no to each other. And when we have a rare vacation or night off, we are on each other nonstop! The amazing part is that however I feel, if I want more sex or pregnancy is making me too sick or whatever, he hears me, he responds, and we BOTH find a way to make it work for the other. I have some lingering feelings of worry if we don't have sex for awhile leftover from my SM trauma, but it's instantly assuaged as soon as I bring it up to him. And he's sensitive to it and always makes me feel desired even if he's exhausted. Sorry for the long post, but this is all to say that life after a SM can be pretty freaking amazing---it's not something you should fear! It doesn't have to mean you are traumatized for life, or that you can never get over it. For me it's more like a long bad dream that I've mostly forgotten. Please don't apologize for a long post...not a post with this much heart and soul to it. This much truth and real lessons for others to read, both those in and out of a SM. Almost too many lessons to count!! But hey...let's try: Your experience of having your self-esteem utterly destroyed by your ex, only to find...not only that it WASNT you, the total opposite was true! (For those keeping track...lesson #1) Your ex had been gaslighting you, making you believe you were worthless, as a wife and a woman! (lesson #2..) and it was your fault?!?!? (#3) But, you wondered, what?!?! How can that be?? (#4) You found out from a wonderful person that in fact, you were highly desirable (I Found the same, after I'd left...let's call it lesson 5 A. and B., multiple choice. Lol) And that, with the right person, sex, intimacy, could be the most amazing thing!! Beyond anything you'd have ever thought possible!! (#6!!!) Days and days of it! 3...4 times a day!!! (#7!!!!!!!) Then you found that amazingly, life, real life, doesn't revolve around just sex. (#8) That there are trials and tribulations in a relationship, a marriage. That sometimes it overwhelms your desires, that the other knows and understands. (#9) but they are still there, and when wanted, the other gives freely (#10...whew!). It's not a big deal.... Did you think I skipped over something? That I'm done listing your lessons? How Could i have missed it?!? It's right there?!?! I did skip over something, and I'm not done yet, by any means. The most important lesson you have learned, and shared with us in this wonderful post...... In your own words.... "Because I could really be myself with him, I could trust him with my feelings, I felt completely and totally respected, heard and seen." Out of all the things I've read, all the things I've heard of, both wanted by those in a SM, and those who are out of them.....THIS...is what we all want. The ultimate lesson Excellent post. ....thank you. |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 5, 2016 8:42:38 GMT -5
Aw shucks, Itsjustus. <3
It sounds so simple when you lay it out, doesn't it? Yet it took me so many years to hit that final wall and realize how insane the situation was. I remember towards the end of my marriage trying to have sex with my barely willing ex who had ED (though he refused to admit it, he said it was just a reaction to my many flaws or fatigue or whatever), him trying to stuff his mostly flaccid penis in to me until finally I said just stop, it's fine. Afterward, and this was after YEARS of trying to "work on the sex" with him, which was 100% me working and him doing nothing, I said, "I can't do this anymore." And he looked at me, genuinely confused and said, "I don't understand why this isn't enough for you." I replied, "How could this possibly be enough for me?" I think at that moment it finally became clear that no matter what being divorced would be like, nothing could be worse or more humiliating or more frustrating than what I had. And lo and behold, getting divorced was the best thing ever!
Ultimately, I think a sexless marriage is about feeling invisible. There's some vital disconnect where the other person, for whatever reason, finds it impossible to see or hear you. And in most cases, blames you for their inability! What a mind fuck. We wouldn't tolerate someone forbidding us food or water or any other basic form of sustenance. Why do we put up with this?
Even in those tragic cases where ones partner is ill, not having an intimate life is a form of deprivation that makes us feel like we are slowly but inexorably fading away into nothingness.
BUT in a healthy marriage, both people are capable of compassion, of listening, of expressing their OWN honest feelings without repressing them or taking them out on you in an overt or covert way (this is so crucial), and at least attempting to find a compromise or solution.
I can't even describe how HEALING a healthy relationship is after a SM. For anyone who is still suffering, don't lose hope. Life can be so great!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 5, 2016 12:19:23 GMT -5
Aw shucks, Itsjustus. <3 It sounds so simple when you lay it out, doesn't it? Yet it took me so many years to hit that final wall and realize how insane the situation was. I remember towards the end of my marriage trying to have sex with my barely willing ex who had ED (though he refused to admit it, he said it was just a reaction to my many flaws or fatigue or whatever), him trying to stuff his mostly flaccid penis in to me until finally I said just stop, it's fine. Afterward, and this was after YEARS of trying to "work on the sex" with him, which was 100% me working and him doing nothing, I said, "I can't do this anymore." And he looked at me, genuinely confused as said, "I don't understand why this isn't enough for you." I think at that moment it finally became clear that no matter what being divorced would be like, nothing could be worse or more humiliating or more frustrating than what I had. And lo and behold, getting divorced was the best thing ever! Ultimately, I think a sexless marriage is about feeling invisible. There's some vital disconnect where the other person, for whatever reason, finds it impossible to see or hear you. And in most cases, blames you for their inability! What a mind fuck. We wouldn't tolerate someone forbidding us food or water or any other basic form of sustenance. Why do we put up with this? Even in those tragic cases where ones partner is ill, not having an intimate life is a form of deprivation that makes us feel like we are slowly but inexorably fading away into nothingness. BUT in a healthy marriage, both people are capable of compassion, of listening, of expressing their OWN honest feelings without repressing them or taking them out on you in an overt or covert way (this is so crucial), and at least attempting to find a compromise or solution. I can't even describe how HEALING a healthy relationship is after a SM. For anyone who is still suffering, don't lose hope. Life can be so great! Made me cry xxx |
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Post by itsjustus on Jun 5, 2016 14:09:06 GMT -5
Aw shucks, Itsjustus. <3 It sounds so simple when you lay it out, doesn't it? Yet it took me so many years to hit that final wall and realize how insane the situation was. I remember towards the end of my marriage trying to have sex with my barely willing ex who had ED (though he refused to admit it, he said it was just a reaction to my many flaws or fatigue or whatever), him trying to stuff his mostly flaccid penis in to me until finally I said just stop, it's fine. Afterward, and this was after YEARS of trying to "work on the sex" with him, which was 100% me working and him doing nothing, I said, "I can't do this anymore." And he looked at me, genuinely confused as said, "I don't understand why this isn't enough for you." I think at that moment it finally became clear that no matter what being divorced would be like, nothing could be worse or more humiliating or more frustrating than what I had. And lo and behold, getting divorced was the best thing ever! Ultimately, I think a sexless marriage is about feeling invisible. There's some vital disconnect where the other person, for whatever reason, finds it impossible to see or hear you. And in most cases, blames you for their inability! What a mind fuck. We wouldn't tolerate someone forbidding us food or water or any other basic form of sustenance. Why do we put up with this? Even in those tragic cases where ones partner is ill, not having an intimate life is a form of deprivation that makes us feel like we are slowly but inexorably fading away into nothingness. BUT in a healthy marriage, both people are capable of compassion, of listening, of expressing their OWN honest feelings without repressing them or taking them out on you in an overt or covert way (this is so crucial), and at least attempting to find a compromise or solution. I can't even describe how HEALING a healthy relationship is after a SM. For anyone who is still suffering, don't lose hope. Life can be so great! Damn nyartgal!! There was a reason I followed your post's on EP when I first got there...and you've done it again. (quit blushing) Lessons number...(what did we get up to...) 11, 12, 13, 14..aww...the heck with it. Yes, it sounds so simple when listed, looked at in hindsight, and for me, embarrassingly so. 32 years simple. But it's not. There's so much to it, that only hindsight can see, like the frog in ever hotter water, we don't see it as it's happening. A matter of perspective and not knowing how it could be, how it should be, how it may be in other's lives, because it's not discussed. Or if it is, it's by one or two friends that we think must be the luckiest people alive...and we sigh...wishing...while we slowly fade away....not realizing that little pieces of us are dying, bit by bit.
Until that day...that moment. Yours being the confused look of "why isn't this enough for you?", mine being a final humiliation where I was scolded like a child...it's a wake up moment. And that's when we start to look back, and around where we are, at that point. Like you noted, invisible. "Hey...Am I even really here? I feel like I'm invisible, not heard, not respected...If I left, would they even miss me?? Hmmm....." And it starts.
But I think the biggest "lesson" you have here, is one of the most important ones for those who may look at your experience thinking well...she found something golden afterwards, the pot of gold we all want. She's having a wonderful life! She's the lucky one we always sighed about!! Well....I found a pot of gold as well...though it didn't last. And I humbly think that's a part of your lesson that I can add a little to. What caught my eye were your words:
"finally became clear that no matter what being divorced would be like, nothing could be worse or more humiliating or more frustrating than what I had"
I didn't leave my marriage for someone, even though that someone was there and became very special to me shortly after I did. I didn't leave my marriage knowing or even hoping that there was a pot of gold out there to be found, I just needed to go look!
I left it to survive.
I found a pot of gold shortly afterwards, almost like turning around after shutting a door and running right into someone's embrace. And it was wonderful. All the affirmations that you spoke of. It wasn't me! I'm desirable! I'm capable of loving, being loved! Sex?!? HOLY SHIT!!!!! Intimacy, affection, touching....wow!! Talk about a healing relationship!!!! Then...in a moment...it was gone. Heartbreakingly so...
And yet.... I still feel more alive, more seen and heard, more like a person that matters in this world, than I ever did in my 32 year marriage. I know I'm a good person, I know how to love, I know how to be someone to love. And I don't wake up every morning feeling that sense of dread, the dark cloud, and feeling invisible. I do get lonely. Achingly so at times. I do wish with everything in me, that I can someday find that "other". The one I can build a life around, with all the up's and down's, using what I've learned. But I know it's possible now. I know such people exist. And God....I feel so much more alive now, moment by moment.
Your words: "And lo and behold, getting divorced was the best thing ever!"
I agree......
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 5, 2016 15:13:06 GMT -5
Damn nyartgal !! There was a reason I followed your post's on EP when I first got there...and you've done it again. (quit blushing) Lessons number...(what did we get up to...) 11, 12, 13, 14..aww...the heck with it. Yes, it sounds so simple when listed, looked at in hindsight, and for me, embarrassingly so. 32 years simple. But it's not. There's so much to it, that only hindsight can see, like the frog in ever hotter water, we don't see it as it's happening. A matter of perspective and not knowing how it could be, how it should be, how it may be in other's lives, because it's not discussed. Or if it is, it's by one or two friends that we think must be the luckiest people alive...and we sigh...wishing...while we slowly fade away....not realizing that little pieces of us are dying, bit by bit.
Until that day...that moment. Yours being the confused look of "why isn't this enough for you?", mine being a final humiliation where I was scolded like a child...it's a wake up moment. And that's when we start to look back, and around where we are, at that point. Like you noted, invisible. "Hey...Am I even really here? I feel like I'm invisible, not heard, not respected...If I left, would they even miss me?? Hmmm....." And it starts.
But I think the biggest "lesson" you have here, is one of the most important ones for those who may look at your experience thinking well...she found something golden afterwards, the pot of gold we all want. She's having a wonderful life! She's the lucky one we always sighed about!! Well....I found a pot of gold as well...though it didn't last. And I humbly think that's a part of your lesson that I can add a little to. What caught my eye were your words:
"finally became clear that no matter what being divorced would be like, nothing could be worse or more humiliating or more frustrating than what I had"
I didn't leave my marriage for someone, even though that someone was there and became very special to me shortly after I did. I didn't leave my marriage knowing or even hoping that there was a pot of gold out there to be found, I just needed to go look!
I left it to survive.
I found a pot of gold shortly afterwards, almost like turning around after shutting a door and running right into someone's embrace. And it was wonderful. All the affirmations that you spoke of. It wasn't me! I'm desirable! I'm capable of loving, being loved! Sex?!? HOLY SHIT!!!!! Intimacy, affection, touching....wow!! Talk about a healing relationship!!!! Then...in a moment...it was gone. Heartbreakingly so...
And yet.... I still feel more alive, more seen and heard, more like a person that matters in this world, than I ever did in my 32 year marriage. I know I'm a good person, I know how to love, I know how to be someone to love. And I don't wake up every morning feeling that sense of dread, the dark cloud, and feeling invisible. I do get lonely. Achingly so at times. I do wish with everything in me, that I can someday find that "other". The one I can build a life around, with all the up's and down's, using what I've learned. But I know it's possible now. I know such people exist. And God....I feel so much more alive now, moment by moment.
Your words: "And lo and behold, getting divorced was the best thing ever!"
I agree......
Itsjustus, we are going to have to form a mutual admiration society!  I'm sorry your FIRST post-SM relationship didn't last but I am sure there are more in your future. Once you come back to life, life finds you again. As long as you never allow yourself to forget the struggles you went through to liberate yourself, and continue to learn about yourself, you won't wind up in another SM again. I think you know that! Going to therapy has been amazing for me, I understand so much now about why I didn't (or didn't want to ) recognize the dysfunctional dynamic I had with my ex, how other relationships in my life were also screwed up, and how to not enable this kind of narcissism and self-sabotage anymore. I am not a miracle worker, a savior, a nurse, a shrink or Tinkerbell. People have to work on their own shit. Or not. But I can't change anyone, I can just choose wisely who to have in my life and create and maintain healthy boundaries so I don't feel used or abused by anyone in any way. I feel wildly stronger than before. I used to fear losing close relationships so much, I held on for dear life even when they were obviously not working anymore. But now I feel exhilarated when I can let another bloodsucker go. Another one bites the dust! Been there, done that, have a nice life. Ha! Don't let the door hit you on the way out. This also applies to work situations, colleagues, neighbors, whatever. In my opinion every high school student should have a year of basic psychology studies. Imagine how much easier life would be if we learned the warning signs of all the basic personality disorders, abusive behaviors, etc out there. I mean, reading through the stories here, I would bet that 60% or more of us are/were married to someone with SOME kind of mental illness or disorder. Now I'm so practiced I can spot a narcissist from a block away---and cross to the other side of the street!! But getting back to the narrative, the other aspect to the invisibility we feel in a SM is how we become invisible to OURSELVES. We repress or suppress or sublimate or ignore or whatever this essential, human aspect of ourselves just to survive. Or at least we do until we can't anymore and then we wind up here, or having an affair, or getting so depressed we hit a breaking point that forces us to SEE OURSELVES AGAIN. See how crappy we feel, see how wronged we've been, see how our most basic needs have not been met and deserve to be. We are human beings and we deserve to be treated with humanity. And once we finally see all that, there is no going back. I'm going to post my first story ever on EP just to show where I was only 4 years ago... |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 5, 2016 15:18:22 GMT -5
This is my FIRST post on EP almost exactly 4 years ago...
I Live In a Sexless Marriage
Posted: July 6, 2012 10:07 by nyartgal , 10 votes
Now I Know What To Do. Thank You!!
Just discovered this site a couple days ago, and WOW. Not only am I not alone, I am one of many thousands. Your stories have already helped me so much. Here is mine...
I've been married for almost 7 years, together for 9 1/2. In the beginning we had great chemistry, but even on the first night he had trouble maintaining an erection. He said, "I'm just too excited." I didn't have enough experience to see the big picture. We were long distance for over a year, and I think the excitement of seeing each other once a month was enough to make it work. But once we moved in together things changed.
About a year and a half after we got married, he started his own company and the stress of it led almost immediately to NO SEX. He had no desire, and no ability. Zilch, zero, nada. I pleaded, I cried, I wore sexy lingerie, and more, all to no avail. After his company imploded in 2007, he went into a year long depression. During this time I was so frustrated and angry by the complete asshole he had become as a result of the depression, but I tried to be patient and understanding. The no sex was a MAJOR problem to me but he refused to acknowledge the ED. A million excuses from, "It's normal for guys my age" (he was only 38 at the time) to "why isn't this enough for you?" or blaming me for not initiating enough, initiating too much, he doesn't like the way I kiss, etc etc. Moving the goalposts.
I should say here that I am a very passionate, demonstrative person by nature. I have no sexual hangups, but I do have a pattern of winding up in really unsatisfying sexual relationships with men I otherwise adore and respect. No more!!
Then he got what we thought was a good job---and I hoped that making $$ and having some stability would fix it. Ha! It didn't. Maybe slight improvement, but when we did have sex he usually couldn't finish. And it was SO BORING. Same position, same side of the bed, same order of things, same lighting, same music. If I tried to shake things up whatsoever, he would go along but never seemed to really want it and never EVER asked for it again. This "sex life" was maybe once per month and the rest of the time me either completely repressing all desire or climbing the walls. He still refused to acknowledge there was a problem.
That job turned into a total nightmare---completely unstable, stressful, no money, etc. During these years I was very busy with my own career, which was flourishing. I tried to pour all my energies into that. We cuddled and had a ton of intimacy, we had fun together, things in common, laughed, supported each other, all sorts of wonderful things. But no sex.
Over these 5+ years I did all things things mentioned here---denial, false hope, sublimation, repression. I completely hid the sexual side of myself from myself, because it was so painful to not have that with him.
Then in the fall I finally said, if you don't go to the doctor, I'm leaving. He did (no hormonal or medical problems) and we started couples therapy.
In the spring I was on a business trip and so UNBELIEVABLY horny and pent up and crazy, I wound up having a brief but amazingly passionate fling. It blew my mind on every level, a total awakening. I realized I can't live anymore without being truly DESIRED. I am so tired of the rejection. I'm an attractive woman, and have a lot going for me. It's ridiculous to be with someone who doesn't want me, REGARDLESS OF THE REASONS.
I have to thank everyone here for sharing their stories, because I recognize every crazy rationalization----I've tried them all. But I am getting OUT. Right now we are having a brief trial separation but when it's over I'm going to ask for a real one. If we wants to remain in denial and not deal with his issues, he can do it in his own apartment on his own dime. But stop wasting my time.
I truly love this man. He has so many amazing qualities. But he can't deal with his problems until they become toxic, and it's a lifelong pattern. I have a lot to lose. I may never have children if I divorce, I'm in my late 30's. But I refuse to commit to any more years of loneliness, frustration and pain. I think about sex 24-7, like a teenager. I don't want to be a cheater. So I'm leaving.
Thank you so much, everyone. You have really helped me!
12 Responses
hello, our life is in this planet when compared to the age of universe is only very short. as human being, wife or husband has the moral responsibility of satisfying the sexual needs of the pair apart from their other marital duties. so much water has flown under the bridge. all the best, regards and cheers.
Posted July 31, 2012 21:31 by khs3
"I truly love this man. He has so many amazing qualities. But he can't deal with his problems until they become toxic, and it's a lifelong pattern. I have a lot to lose."<br /> <br /> Thanks, these words are inspiring, I'm still hoping we can eliminate the toxins in therapy. But it's comforting to hear someone else express this. I wish I'd have seen it this clearly before the kids.
Posted July 9, 2012 21:43 by G0ldylocks
Cannot think of anything more miserable than staying married to a guy who is in denial, does not truly desire you....all for the purpose of using him as a sperm donor. (Glad you did not decide to do that...)
BTW...women can carry babies w/donated eggs well into their sixties....And although this comment will likely generate a LOT of negative reactions, consider the following. The life expectancy of a woman from an advanced industrialized society at turn of 19th century was under 50 years old. (around there anyway....) It is now about 78 in USA. So, delaying births of children may not be such a bad idea, given that older people are often more emotionally and financially equipped to raise children.
Posted July 9, 2012 20:57 by Nordica
Wow.. Bravo good ex<x>pression on how u feel and I couldn't agree less that u decided to leave.. Good choice.. Find ur hapiness n desire.. All d best frm me!!
Posted July 7, 2012 09:47 by enchantingjade
I started reading this thinking, "wow that sounds so painful for you," then suddenly burst out crying in the middle realizing this is so similar to my own life except I have children in the mix. Run away. May you find what you miss
Posted July 6, 2012 18:57 by Amc27
Thank you everyone! I can't say enough how hard this decision has been and it took a loooong time to get here. Maybe separating will shock him into action, and it will all work out in the end. But in the meantime, I can't bang my head into a wall and get nowhere. I faith that I will find a way to be happy regardless. Life is too short to be celibate for no good reason.
Posted July 6, 2012 16:33 by nyartgal
"But I am getting OUT." The best thing you can do,the least painful...
Posted July 6, 2012 15:50 by TheFullMoon
This site is great for finding moral and emotional support to leave. For understanding oneself, not so much. Be careful getting into your next relationship, even if this time, it was his fault.
Posted July 6, 2012 14:42 by ulae
Good for you! I too will be gone as soon as my youngest finishes High School. Why can't these frigid people find each other before making someone else miserable?
Posted July 6, 2012 11:43 by panaggie
You said: "In the beginning we had great chemistry, but even on the first night he had trouble maintaining an erection. "<br /> <br /> Right about this point, I'm thinking 'this won't turn out well.' The rest is a slow unfolding of the inevitable.<br /> <br /> If you want your own children, there may still be hope. But you'll need to move on quickly and get yourself out there to find someone great. It sounds like you're well on you way.<br /> <br /> Good luck.
Posted July 6, 2012 11:42 by R23Olympic
Good for you! <br /> <br /> Sexless marriages are the pits! <br /> <br /> And, this group is a wonderful resource for all finding themselves in this heartbreaking situation. Unless, you have lived it, you really can't understand it. Trying to convey it to friends and family is so often met with cliche advice or incomprehension. So many don't get that this is NOT the normal discrepancy (I want it four times a week, he wants it two or three...or whatever or not just a low period because of understandable stree)....this is all versus none or virtually none for the entire duration of the relationship!!! The agony of loving someone who can't/won't engage in a physical relationship. The choice between living in a prison of celibacy to stay monogamous to someone who won't touch you.<br /> <br /> Leaving is often the only choice we do have if we want to have a sex life.....although it may take us a long while of tring other tactics before we can bring ourselves to accept this is our real situation.<br /> <br /> Best of luck!
Posted July 6, 2012 11:37 by rosedl
You made a brilliant summation - applicable to every ILIASM member past and present where you said - <br /> <br /> - "If we wants to remain in denial and not deal with his issues, he can do it in his own apartment on his own dime. But stop wasting my time" -<br /> <br /> Rated way up on that basis alone. And the rest of your story is great as well.<br /> <br /> Tread your own path.
Posted July 6, 2012 10:27 by bazzar
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Post by JMX on Jun 5, 2016 15:30:42 GMT -5
nyartgal - so much of that sounded so damn familiar. I do so love reading your stories and never saw this one.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2016 21:04:52 GMT -5
Itsjustus said:
Until that day...that moment. Yours being the confused look of "why isn't this enough for you?", mine being a final humiliation where I was scolded like a child...it's a wake up moment. And that's when we start to look back, and around where we are, at that point. Like you noted, invisible. "Hey...Am I even really here? I feel like I'm invisible, not heard, not respected...If I left, would they even miss me?? Hmmm....." And it starts.
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For me, "that moment," was when I reminded him that we were both supposed to be trying, and he said he was already trying as much as he was going to. That was what did it for me.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 7, 2016 2:05:51 GMT -5
Itsjustus said: Until that day...that moment. Yours being the confused look of "why isn't this enough for you?", mine being a final humiliation where I was scolded like a child...it's a wake up moment. And that's when we start to look back, and around where we are, at that point. Like you noted, invisible. "Hey...Am I even really here? I feel like I'm invisible, not heard, not respected...If I left, would they even miss me?? Hmmm....." And it starts. ----------- For me, "that moment," was when I reminded him that we were both supposed to be trying, and he said he was already trying as much as he was going to. That was what did it for me. Trying as much as he was going to. It says it all like a massive slap round the chops doesn't it. I think that is where I am. Just waiting for my trigger! Waiting , waiting, wasting my life waiting. |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 7, 2016 7:26:09 GMT -5
Trying as much as he was going to. It says it all like a massive slap round the chops doesn't it. I think that is where I am. Just waiting for my trigger! Waiting , waiting, wasting my life waiting. What do you think it might take to push you over the edge? |
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