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Post by Rhapsodee on May 6, 2016 16:19:10 GMT -5
I too have thought about that a great deal. I do know that I need to have a well balanced life. If there is something missing, I start trying to fill that hole. (I was going to edit that out but we all need something to play with.)
Even when my husband and I were having frequent sex I was still fantasizing and "taking care of myself" in private. I bought my first toy 15 years ago. He wasn't meeting my needs (eye contact, kissing, talking, FOREPLAY) I thought that there was something wrong with me because I thought about sex so much. It wasn't until I stumbled upon EP that I realized that I am almost normal.
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Post by Rhapsodee on May 6, 2016 16:24:01 GMT -5
Yes, the default mindset is that "Everyone wants sex, so if your spouse doesn't then it must be because you're somehow deficient in exciting them." There used to be a school of thought that the refuser should agree for a time (say, 2 weeks) to have sex anytime their spouse requested it. I think the idea was twofold: one, to show that when supply is plenty, demand is not incessant like it might appear; second, that having sex often isn't as bad or as tedious as imagined, and it greases the gears of the relationship to make other issues so much more tolerable. Did any refusers actually DO that, though? I remember going to my refuser with some sensate focus exercises I had found online. He agreed that we would do this. It's intended to be done in several sessions. We did it ONCE...then there were a few weeks of excuses....then he said he didn't like having things so planned and unspontaneous. And, yes, I think it messed with my ideas about sex. Now I'm right back to being an awkward girl in her early teens, wondering if I will ever be sexy enough to attract a man in the first place...and then hold his interest. It killed my confidence in myself as a sexual woman. SmartKat, you know what we must do any time we discover one of those stupid articles or books that say they can get the sex back. BURN IT! |
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Post by wewbwb on May 6, 2016 16:34:48 GMT -5
Did any refusers actually DO that, though? I remember going to my refuser with some sensate focus exercises I had found online. He agreed that we would do this. It's intended to be done in several sessions. We did it ONCE...then there were a few weeks of excuses....then he said he didn't like having things so planned and unspontaneous. And, yes, I think it messed with my ideas about sex. Now I'm right back to being an awkward girl in her early teens, wondering if I will ever be sexy enough to attract a man in the first place...and then hold his interest. It killed my confidence in myself as a sexual woman. SmartKat, you know what we must do any time we discover one of those stupid articles or books that say they can get the sex back. BURN IT! Yes- burn them - but at night so us guys can find the real women we need in our lives. Just let me state - there is nothing wrong with any woman on this website I've seen - all are sensitive- have a good sense of humor and are sexually desirable. Ladies - it's just not you. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 6, 2016 16:38:21 GMT -5
I'm not sure if being in my SM has changed my attitude toward sex - but it sure has about marriage.
Two words. TERM LIMITS
Marriages should be started with an exit plan in place for both parties and renewable every 5 years. Updated for children and finances.
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Post by Rhapsodee on May 6, 2016 16:47:00 GMT -5
I'm not sure if being in my SM has changed my attitude toward sex - but it sure has about marriage. Two words. TERM LIMITS Marriages should be started with an exit plan in place for both parties and renewable every 5 years. Updated for children and finances. I second that motion. |
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 22:41:49 GMT -5
Did any refusers actually DO that, though? I remember going to my refuser with some sensate focus exercises I had found online. He agreed that we would do this. It's intended to be done in several sessions. We did it ONCE...then there were a few weeks of excuses....then he said he didn't like having things so planned and unspontaneous. And, yes, I think it messed with my ideas about sex. Now I'm right back to being an awkward girl in her early teens, wondering if I will ever be sexy enough to attract a man in the first place...and then hold his interest. It killed my confidence in myself as a sexual woman. SmartKat, you know what we must do any time we discover one of those stupid articles or books that say they can get the sex back. BURN IT! I swear, you are an arsonist at heart, LOL! |
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 22:43:12 GMT -5
I'm not sure if being in my SM has changed my attitude toward sex - but it sure has about marriage. Two words. TERM LIMITS Marriages should be started with an exit plan in place for both parties and renewable every 5 years. Updated for children and finances. I've been saying for years now that a marriage license should be like a driver's license - up for renewal every 5 years. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 7, 2016 3:05:40 GMT -5
I'm just sitting here daydreaming about life after my SM .... which is likely to be a long while from now as my refuser is a pro at stalling for time! Anyway, it's got me thinking that what if the high sex drive I have is in part down to the fact that we don't have sex? What if I do escape, and go nuts in the first months getting as much as I can, then find that actually I only wanted it so much because of being denied it constantly? Has anyone found this? I'm great at putting doubts in my own mind ha ha. Thanks  I can't answer this because I am still in this SM. But I do think about this too.. and in fact I have fears that I would never be able to satisfy anyone due to my own inexperience from being in this SM for all these years. I do believe that I am too damaged and should I ever leave this SM, I would only find myself alone. I know what you mean. Another issue in our relationship is that my refuser keeps us in financial trouble constantly. He has a weed addiction. This has meant no spare cash for many years. I worry that if I did leave and get into a so called normal relationship I wouldn't be able to cope. I'm so used to having to watch every single penny and to never having a holiday or a nice family day out. I've forgotten how to socialise normally and live life. It's a scary thought to put myself mentally in a healthy relationships where there is sex and intimacy and some fun. I don't think I could comfortably accept that I deserve normality after all these years. I need some Therapy myself. I'm one of those co-dependants I think. I keep thinking I can move on through. But the doubts come back all the time. And I actually do still love and fancy my refuser so much that all it takes is a little smile from him and I think all will be well again. 17 years in and I still think that. I need a lobotomy!!! |
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Post by tamara68 on May 7, 2016 3:26:37 GMT -5
This has meant no spare cash for many years. I worry that if I did leave and get into a so called normal relationship I wouldn't be able to cope. I'm so used to having to watch every single penny and to never having a holiday or a nice family day out. I've forgotten how to socialise normally and live life. It's a scary thought to put myself mentally in a healthy relationships where there is sex and intimacy and some fun. I don't think I could comfortably accept that I deserve normality after all these years. I need some Therapy myself. I'm one of those co-dependants I think. I keep thinking I can move on through. But the doubts come back all the time. And I actually do still love and fancy my refuser so much that all it takes is a little smile from him and I think all will be well again. 17 years in and I still think that. I need a lobotomy!!! I also worry about not knowing how to live a normal social life. I have never had a normal adult life. I am confident about going to live alone some day, but not so sure I could manage a normal relation. I am not afraid of that though, and willing to give it a try. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 7, 2016 7:19:04 GMT -5
This has meant no spare cash for many years. I worry that if I did leave and get into a so called normal relationship I wouldn't be able to cope. I'm so used to having to watch every single penny and to never having a holiday or a nice family day out. I've forgotten how to socialise normally and live life. It's a scary thought to put myself mentally in a healthy relationships where there is sex and intimacy and some fun. I don't think I could comfortably accept that I deserve normality after all these years. I need some Therapy myself. I'm one of those co-dependants I think. I keep thinking I can move on through. But the doubts come back all the time. And I actually do still love and fancy my refuser so much that all it takes is a little smile from him and I think all will be well again. 17 years in and I still think that. I need a lobotomy!!! I also worry about not knowing how to live a normal social life. I have never had a normal adult life. I am confident about going to live alone some day, but not so sure I could manage a normal relation. I am not afraid of that though, and willing to give it a try. I find myself questioning what normal is allllll the time lately! The ridiculous part of my staying in this relationship is that I'd be making such a good life for me and the kids without my partner. I'm the main breadwinner and he doesn't even have a driving licence. I really do need my head looking at. I'm more like his parent than partner. |
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 8:06:32 GMT -5
I also worry about not knowing how to live a normal social life. I have never had a normal adult life. I am confident about going to live alone some day, but not so sure I could manage a normal relation. I am not afraid of that though, and willing to give it a try. I find myself questioning what normal is allllll the time lately! The ridiculous part of my staying in this relationship is that I'd be making such a good life for me and the kids without my partner. I'm the main breadwinner and he doesn't even have a driving licence. I really do need my head looking at. I'm more like his parent than partner. You would not believe how many SMs have this dynamic, the wife is functioning basically as the husband's mother. The sobbing and begging when the wife says it's over are not for her but for his little bubble which is about to burst. But he'll find another victim. They always do. That or go back to real mommy. I was chatting with a lady at work who joked about her three kids, two little ones and one big one. I bet she's in a sexless marriage. |
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 8:10:13 GMT -5
I can't answer this because I am still in this SM. But I do think about this too.. and in fact I have fears that I would never be able to satisfy anyone due to my own inexperience from being in this SM for all these years. I do believe that I am too damaged and should I ever leave this SM, I would only find myself alone. I know what you mean. Another issue in our relationship is that my refuser keeps us in financial trouble constantly. He has a weed addiction. This has meant no spare cash for many years. I worry that if I did leave and get into a so called normal relationship I wouldn't be able to cope. I'm so used to having to watch every single penny and to never having a holiday or a nice family day out. I've forgotten how to socialise normally and live life. It's a scary thought to put myself mentally in a healthy relationships where there is sex and intimacy and some fun. I don't think I could comfortably accept that I deserve normality after all these years. I need some Therapy myself. I'm one of those co-dependants I think. I keep thinking I can move on through. But the doubts come back all the time. And I actually do still love and fancy my refuser so much that all it takes is a little smile from him and I think all will be well again. 17 years in and I still think that. I need a lobotomy!!! You've probably been told this a million times but you need to talk to a therapist about addiction and enabling. |
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Post by gearcynic on May 7, 2016 8:27:15 GMT -5
I'm just sitting here daydreaming about life after my SM .... which is likely to be a long while from now as my refuser is a pro at stalling for time! Anyway, it's got me thinking that what if the high sex drive I have is in part down to the fact that we don't have sex? What if I do escape, and go nuts in the first months getting as much as I can, then find that actually I only wanted it so much because of being denied it constantly? Has anyone found this? I'm great at putting doubts in my own mind ha ha. Thanks Yes actually. Not having it denied as much seriously cut down on the need for it, and what you get from sex with someone you love as opposed to someone you don't is a very, very different beast. That being said, until you leave you probably can't have another. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 7, 2016 14:02:30 GMT -5
I know what you mean. Another issue in our relationship is that my refuser keeps us in financial trouble constantly. He has a weed addiction. This has meant no spare cash for many years. I worry that if I did leave and get into a so called normal relationship I wouldn't be able to cope. I'm so used to having to watch every single penny and to never having a holiday or a nice family day out. I've forgotten how to socialise normally and live life. It's a scary thought to put myself mentally in a healthy relationships where there is sex and intimacy and some fun. I don't think I could comfortably accept that I deserve normality after all these years. I need some Therapy myself. I'm one of those co-dependants I think. I keep thinking I can move on through. But the doubts come back all the time. And I actually do still love and fancy my refuser so much that all it takes is a little smile from him and I think all will be well again. 17 years in and I still think that. I need a lobotomy!!! You've probably been told this a million times but you need to talk to a therapist about addiction and enabling. I've told myself a million times, you Barr the second other person I need to actively make tine to do that. My priorities currently get topped with the kids, work and the most imperative household chores to keep life functioning. There seems no time fake anything else. Except wishing I was having wild sex with the other half!! |
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Post by samedeepwater on May 7, 2016 21:10:39 GMT -5
I hadn't really thought about this until the question was asked. Early in my marriage it became obvious that I had a much higher sex drive than my ex and no doubt those starvation years only added to the desire. Now that Im out my sex drive is as high as ever. If I ever can resume having sex again with any frequency I'll be happy to answer the second part of your question
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