Counseling

JMX,

I think I am one of the few that have made it out of a SM and, for the last 2 years, have actually had the first regular sex life of my 22 year marriage.

Anyway, you mention above that you just started going to individual counseling (your first individual session) and you've worked out a plan to go back monthly. My first reaction is that you may want to go back more regularly until you get some traction / progress. All I can tell you is what worked for me/us with counseling.

After phone interviewing a few counselors and making our selection, our counseling sessions went something like this:
Week 1: We each went to an individual 1-hour session with the counselor.
Week 2: We each went to an individual 1-hour session with the counselor.
Week 3: Joint / couples counseling session.
Week 4: Joint / couples counseling session.
Week 5: Joint / couples counseling session.
Week 6: Joint / couples counseling session.
**REFUSER HAS SEX WITH ME ON HER OWN INITIATIVE.
Week 7: Joint / couples counseling session. Sex continues. 2x.
Week 8: Joint / couples counseling session. Sex continues. 2x.
** SWITCH TO COUNSELING EVERY 2 WEEKS
Months 3 & 4: Joint / couples counseling every 2 weeks. Sex continues. 1-2x/week.
After 4th month: Joint / couples counseling every month. Sex continues. 1-2x/week.

I guess the bottom line, looking back on what worked for us, is that I think weekly counseling was very helpful at the very beginning for nipping some issues in the bud and trying to break through them. It was also the suggestion of the counselor to meet with each of us separately at the beginning so he could understand each of our viewpoints and issues. Over the phone, before our first sessions, he asked us to think about "what do you want to get out of counseling?"

In response, I told the counselor flat-out, in my individual session that I didn't want him to "save our marriage". I wanted him to help us try to work through the issues. If he was able to save our marriage, then fine, but that wasn't my goal / not what I wanted. I told him that if we tried to work the issues, but couldn't resolve them after a reasonable amount of time, I was equally happy to walk away from the marriage and also accept that outcome. Then, during probably that 2nd joint / couples counseling session I ended up saying the same thing with my wife / refuser present, and I just said it in a straightforward, matter of fact way. Didn't get emotional or upset over anything. That was just the way it was. I think this shook up my refuser / W a bit and she finally realized how close we were to ending the marriage. I admitted in counseling that I needed to make some changes too (and I did make some smaller changes, although hers was obviously the bigger issue given the decades of opportunity for sex that was lost). No one is a perfect spouse, so I was more than happy to admit the obvious and say that I was willing to change on some things. However, my trust in my refuser was so broken that I needed *her* to act first. As fate would have it, after about 6 weeks of counseling she initiated sex on a Saturday, and again the next day Sunday. That was huge. From then on, I slowly started trusting her and reciprocating / giving her some things she was asking for.

My main point was that more frequent counseling in the early stages may help you "break through" the issues faster. It also keeps the issues more fresh in everyone's heads. Just my 2 cents on what worked for us. Hope this helps.

TL2