|
Post by mescaline on Aug 10, 2019 6:03:45 GMT -5
I think it's probably a case of "I'm sorry your marriage was so shit" rather than aorry you're divorcing.
Which is fair enough really!
But it's probably a semantic argument anyway.
Although i guess from a religious perspective then folk maybe sorry about the divorce...
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Jul 11, 2019 0:28:44 GMT -5
I often fantasise about the outcome of my wife finding my online life, it intrigues me to see how it would play out. I don't really have much to hide, other than the truth as I see it, but even that I could justify to myself and anyone else who came across it!
That's the problem really, if I told my wife everything, I don't know what the outcome would be and I fear the resultant impact, at the moment at least. I'm sure one day the truth will out, you can't hide something of this magnitude for ever.
|
|
|
Nice
Jul 10, 2019 11:57:37 GMT -5
Post by mescaline on Jul 10, 2019 11:57:37 GMT -5
It's one of those vague words that is entirely context dependent, and also completely subjective, my "nice" in a given situation maybe very different from yours!
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Jul 1, 2019 0:20:24 GMT -5
Thanks for your words everyone.
My wifes condition is such that there doesn't seem to be much surety on which way things will go at present, she may make a good recovery and lead a normalish life, but with the "Sword of Damocles" hanging over her for the entirety of it. Or the condition may end up leaving her severely disabled, or not around at all. The prognosis at the moment is unclear.
Obobfla - Thank you so much for your words, death is the great leveller and staring at it, albeit through your spouse eyes, does put things into stark relief, both the good and the bad really. The good is that given my circumstances I now know I could potentially survive and raise my kids as a single parent, it also provides a reason for my SM (although I know this doesn't explain away the years prior to all this). The bad is that my resentment and hurt are still here and in moments of clarity rise to the fore. I need to let this go, and I will, but it will take work, I think recognising this is probably a good step. I'm sorry the counsellors caused you a bit of an issue, that's useful to know as I suspect I will explore this option again, for myself, in the future. My wife has previously refused counselling, so I know this will be a solitary activity in terms of my SM.
Baza - You're right, time is not my friend in this case, and yet it is with my kids, every hour I can spend with them is time I grow. If I can put up with the shit SM for my time with them then I will be content. If I can deal with the pain and trauma of my SM at the same time, great. If not well, there are other solutions that I can potentially explore as highlighted on many other posts within the ILIASM community! Coping mechanisms abound here, it is more a case of having the courage and honesty (with myself) to explore them if that is the route I take. At the moment, all bets are off.
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Jun 29, 2019 10:55:54 GMT -5
As the title says really, I follow and lurk on many threads and forums within ILIASM, but haven't haduch to input recently.
I'm still in my SM, the plan was to stick it out for a good 10more years so I could be a good parent, live with my kids and generally put everything into raising them as best I can.
The best laid plans and all that. My wife has been diagnosed with a lifelong autoimmune condition. So I'm staring down the barrel of being a long term carer, or potentially a single parent if the condition dictates that end.
Just thought I should let you all know the latest, and that I was still around. Keep. Up the good work everyone. Your support for the lurkers does not go unnoticed or unappreciated.
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Mar 14, 2019 7:39:37 GMT -5
Age old question of "do the ends justify the means".
I don't know, I don't think it would work for me. But there's no way I'd judge others. My situation may change of course....!
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Mar 13, 2019 16:06:58 GMT -5
I've got a garage, there's a few bikes, a couple of sleeping bags, a camping stove and some beer!
Everyone embarrassed about their nationality are welcome!
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Mar 10, 2019 6:58:11 GMT -5
Sympathies and empathies Leasingham. I know how you feel as do so many here. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, pretty soon I hope to be strong enough to leave, but for now it is a case of focusing on you your future, and your present and making what you can of it.
Our spouses are either unaware or uncaring it is this realisation that sustains me and means I cope. For the present at least.
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Feb 23, 2019 4:15:50 GMT -5
Always useful to be aware that "comparison is the thief of joy" though.
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Feb 23, 2019 4:14:51 GMT -5
But if your needs aren't being met, then stats provide a useful guide on whether they are likely to be met by another partner. I would argue they are useful in this respect.
For example, my stats at the moment are sex once or twice a year. If I had no knowledge on what normal is, I could assume this was normal, and therefore my choice of future partner would be very limited.
Having the knowledge that lots of other relationships have more frequent sex lives means that risk is far lower. Knowledge is power in this respect.
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Feb 21, 2019 3:55:18 GMT -5
Stats are useful if you're looking for a meaningful relationship after you leave you SM. You can adjust you expectations accordingly and recognise that "normal" is better than your current deal.
Stats applied to a shit relationship though mean nothing. Normal is pointless in this respect.
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Feb 18, 2019 15:24:35 GMT -5
Fits with my experience too. Though it did take five years and happened after marriage and kids.
I'm sure there are multiple other factors that I'm not aware of too, but if she won't talk I can't help.
Same old story in ILIASM!
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Dec 15, 2018 16:22:53 GMT -5
If there are two good things to come out of my SM, they are my kids and my own expanding capacity for self awareness. I see my strengths, but also my weaknesses in stark clarity. The situation I find myself in is driving the changes I'm making.
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Dec 15, 2018 12:11:29 GMT -5
You're so right DC, as uncomfortable as it may be the difficult conversations need to be had. I've been guilty of conflict avoidance for much of my 40+ years. I'm conscious it is a failing and one I'm making efforts to address. It's difficult but proving successful in every sphere of my life, bar my marriage.
No one needs to guess the reason for this though!
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Nov 6, 2018 12:23:05 GMT -5
The truth, assuming it is, can be painful, uncomfortable and means huge changes to your perspective and life. It takes a lot to accept it.
Sometimes it can be easier to just bury the pain and hope things change even after you've sought help.
|
|