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Post by theexplorer on Mar 25, 2019 9:51:03 GMT -5
Thanks for all the replies. Even though my SM has been over a decade long, I still struggle with accepting it at times. Like Smith227 and Solodriver mentioned, I question if I could even have a normal relationship / sex life at this point. That is probably one of the reasons I have stayed. (That is a lousy reason to stay!!) Staying has become easier in some respects. Testosterone levels drop with age and a man's sex drive declines as a result. I still miss sex, but not as much as 10 years ago.
Here is the story behind the original question:
I found an obscure website where a guy promotes living a celibate life. After reading some of his material, I posted the original question. This week-end, I spent more time looking through his site, hoping to discover some a new perspective or some "secret" to living a happy, celibate life. Nothing like this was found, but I did discover something interesting. Even as a teenager, this man had little to no interest in sex. He is almost certainly an asexual. This explains why he is so happy living a celibate life!! He promotes celibacy as if everyone should seriously consider it. He is using celibacy as a cover for his asexuality!
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Post by theexplorer on Mar 21, 2019 11:15:58 GMT -5
I've read in several places that some people (at least claim to) find happiness in a celibate life. Apparently, a few single people even intentionally chose to live a celibate life. I can understand this choice, if it is for a short term. Especially if they are foregoing sex to achieve another desirable outcome. Voluntarily choosing to live a long term celibate life is just confounding! Why would anyone do this? The why probably doesn't really matter. After all, it is their life to live as they as they desire. On the other hand, does anyone know HOW they achieved a happy celibate life? The answer to this question could help some of us on this website.
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Post by theexplorer on Mar 21, 2019 11:05:36 GMT -5
I don’t think that when men get abused in a relationship it is ever as serious as the more serious cases of female abuse and I think my concern would lie more with vulnerable women but the male cases are there and this needs to be recognised.
I suspect that one of the unrecognized effects of abusive women is male suicide.
Some men are unable to talk about or seek help in dealing with an abusive woman. Such men have been taught (or brainwashed!) to never admit that a woman is hurting or harming them. They think such an admission is a sign of weakness. So they take it....until they no longer can live with it.
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Post by theexplorer on Mar 21, 2019 10:52:49 GMT -5
My wife drives me nuckin' futz! My psychologist says she's a bully, a lazy diva, and she treats me like her personal servant. I tolerate her because of my kids. I don't want to break up the family. I don't want my kids have to move away from their friends because as single people neither of us can afford to live in this area. I don't want to see my kids half the time. I don't want my wife remarrying and have some other guy raising my kids when I am not there. I made the decision long ago to put up with my wife as long as I can because of my kids. I am fully aware of the arguments against my plan but this is what I think is best for everyone involved.
If you are considering leaving after the kids grow up, there is one thing you should consider. In this area, the longer you are married, the more it will cost you to leave. (This is a general rule.) You may lose more assets. Your retirement savings could take a major hit. If you live in an area with LIFETIME alimony, after than kicks in you may be really trapped!!!
On a similar point, the older you are when you leave, the fewer years you have to recover financially afterwards.
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Post by theexplorer on Mar 21, 2019 10:27:33 GMT -5
E.g.,, tolerance, forgiveness, dedication, generosity are all great qualities. But when they have no boundary, they’re ripe for abuse.
Wow!!! That is something I've never considered, DryCreek. Thanks for stating this so clearly!!
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Post by theexplorer on Mar 18, 2019 17:28:24 GMT -5
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Post by theexplorer on Jan 30, 2019 13:06:11 GMT -5
Thanks for posting this article. It is a well written and helpful!
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Post by theexplorer on Aug 24, 2018 12:14:56 GMT -5
timeforliving2, Thanks for posting the link to that excellent article!!
I was an ultra-nice guy for most of my life. It is a terrible way to live!!! It took quite a few decades to discover this reality though. Being a "nice guy" caused a very long list of problems in my life, including my SM. My wife did not think I would leave her when she started withholding sex. She has, so far, been correct.
Several years ago, someone told me to read the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. That book really helped me!! I would strongly recommend it. It is the kind of book that should be read more than once, by us nice guys.
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Post by theexplorer on Aug 21, 2018 15:15:20 GMT -5
Baza, what you wrote is so true about being honest about where we are. I lived in denial for nearly a decade!! I did NOT like reality and refused to accept it!! Those were dark years of frustration and resentment. That was the most difficult period of my life.
I finally realized that my situation is unlikely to change. In fact, it will probably get worse, assuming my wife's health continues to deteriorate. After accepting that reality truly sucks, I started to look around to see how I could improve the situation. This website has provide some good ideas. I believe it was NorthStarMom who wrote about her experience of taking classes, hosting parties, and focusing on her own personal growth prior to her divorce. I have been exercising regularly. I signed up for a short class that starts next week. I have also taken some day trips to see interesting historical sights. So, I've made some the situation suck a bit less in recent times, but it still sucks.
As for changing the situation, I've been doing some research on the options. So far, it appears that building an "island" in this "sewage lagoon" is the best option! (Which still stinks!!) I'm going to go talk with a marriage counselor to see if they have any ideas or options I've not considered.
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Post by theexplorer on Aug 17, 2018 12:34:45 GMT -5
You've got to own the fact that you are in the shit. You've got to accept the responsibility of getting yourself out of it. No-one else can get you out of the shit, that job is yours.
Very wise words Baza! Thanks for creating this post. I have wasted to much time angry, resentful, and depressed. None of that created even the slightest improvement in my situation. At this point, I'm still trying to locate the exit from this quagmire. It is not clearly marked!
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Post by theexplorer on Aug 17, 2018 11:32:01 GMT -5
I have NOT read this book. I did buy another book about sex in marriage. My wife refused to even, literally, touch that book!! I attempted to hand the book to her and she crossed her arms and refused to take the book from my hand!!
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Post by theexplorer on Jun 21, 2018 18:30:17 GMT -5
To answer Northstarmom's question as to why I posted this question, I recently spent several hours in a waiting room. The only other person in that room was a woman. As it turned out, we had a long, and very enjoyable, conversation. I did not notice any sexual attraction at the time. She was probably 10 to 15 years older than me. She just seemed like a very nice, kind and caring person. She was wearing a beautiful engagement ring, so she presumably was NOT looking for another man. We did not exchange contact information, so we will probably never meet again.
I thought about that conversation later and remembered some of the female friends I've had in the past. That is when I began to wonder if NOT having female friends in my life may be causing undetected or unrealized harm. That is the story behind the original question.
Thanks for the ideas for finding additional social support. Yes, friends of either sex would be helpful. At this point, I do not plan to outsource. It probably stems from a child hood incident where I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar. (If I were to outsource, I'd come home with a smile that could not be wiped off my face.... Busted!!!)
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Post by theexplorer on Jun 21, 2018 10:26:58 GMT -5
A topic that might be appropriate for this sub-board is "how do I regain my self-esteem within my SM if I don't plan on outsourcing?" To me, that seems Herculean. But I'd love to see if anyone has done it, and how.
At times, I have a desire or craving to be loved. Making a point of doing something kind and loving for myself often helps me feel better. The last time this occurred, I made a special pasta dish, a delectable, ultra-fresh, organic salad and some garlic bread. It took over 2 hours to prepare that meal. It was delicious!! It was the best meal I've had in many months!! In my opinion, it was far better than anything from the lousy restaurants in this small town! Yes, I enjoyed it all by myself!
In the past, I would have asked the wife to make that dinner for me. She probably would have "been to busy," then I would have felt even less loved. Today, I made it for myself. ( She was not home at the time.) This is a way to love myself. When I feel like someone else needs to love me, it often helps to love myself. Loving myself has helped the self-esteem.
A second suggestion is to go get a massage. Being touched by another person helps. My wife says I'm noticeably easier to live with when I get regular massages. All I can say is that I feel considerably better! The muscles feel better, but being touched does the most good for the heart.
I'm NOT suggesting that these ideas are nearly as good as being in a loving relationship. It does make my current situation more tolerable and it has helped my self-esteem to a degree. Hopefully, someone else will have some better ideas on repairing self-esteem while staying!
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Post by theexplorer on Jun 19, 2018 16:07:47 GMT -5
Any advice or ideas on how to have some female friends with a jealous wife?
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Post by theexplorer on Jun 12, 2018 18:17:31 GMT -5
How do you folks feel about a married person having friends of the opposite sex? (I'm NOT talking about friends with benefits or anything similar!) My wife does not particularly like for me to have female friends. Because of this, I have gradually drifted away from socializing with women. My wife generally refuses opportunities for us to socialize with other couples. I rarely see her female friends and none of them are friendly to me.
Over the years, the women I knew before our marriage have gradually disappeared from my life. I realized recently, that I do not really have any non-family female friends left. In fact, there are only two elderly female family members I see or speak with very often. I have some female acquaintances, but most of them would not sit down and have a conversation. None of them would even consider a slightly personal conversation. I work either alone or with other men, never with any women. Is the lack of females in my life a problem for me? Any thoughts, suggestions or advice?
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