Eventually, this Tara Jane Parmieter cuts to the chase and says -
"If you’re married with kids, please do your due diligence. Educate yourself about family court, high-conflict divorce, how to vet skilled attorneys, potential children’s therapists, parental alienation, parallel parenting, how to document abuse and parenting logs and, most importantly, how to exit as safely as possible so you don’t end up with a false abuse allegation and a restraining order. Talk to other men and women with similar experiences and find out what worked for them and what didn’t. Get some support whether it’s professional or a trusted friend. If you encounter anyone who minimizes, makes light of or blames you for your abuser’s behavior, disregard their ignorant bias. Keep working at taking care of yourself and don’t let the bastards get you down"
In other words - - see a lawyer and establish how a divorce would shake out for you - within those parameters start putting an exit strategy in place and get it into do-able shape - shore up your support network - research everything you can about shepherding your kids through such an event
These points (above) get hammered in here all the time....the necessity to create an alternative to staying in a sub-optimal situation.
And FWIW, I reckon that's why people (women and/or men) don't leave their dysfunctional marriages - because they have not constructed a viable alternative to staying in the status quo. They have not - presently - got an alternative choice. And/or in some instances, they have been so beaten down, the construction of a viable alternative plan is not - presently - within their capabilities.
greatcoastal. Thanks, I found that article interesting to read. I agree with it very much. There is definitely a stigma attached to male abuse. The idea of a man not being capable of dealing with an abusive woman is not something which everyone can imagine. But it is a very prejudice view. I would imagine a lot of men suffer low level physical abuse but wouldn’t know how to deal with it. And mental abuse must be quite common. The answer of why a man doesn’t leave an abusive woman is maybe in the question. They are abusive. And unless there are no dependants the very problem itself prevents the obvious solution. I don’t think that when men get abused in a relationship it is ever as serious as the more serious cases of female abuse and I think my concern would lie more with vulnerable women but the male cases are there and this needs to be recognised.
Is the main problem physical abuse, verbal abuse or neglect? I would say it is a combination of all three or more types of abuse or neglect. Of course different people see some activities as abuse and others see it as normal interactions .
I don't think one gender has the market cornered so this isn't a male or female thing, it is a people thing. Responsible men know a divorce will cost a lot in several ways. Many women fear a decline in economic stability.
Why some men stay, well responsible type men are taught to take the punches and don't be a wimp or a quitter. Sometimes it comes down to the old, never let a girl beat you up if you want to keep your "man card."
Post by lifeinwoodinville on Feb 14, 2019 1:58:26 GMT -5
My wife drives me nuckin' futz! My psychologist says she's a bully, a lazy diva, and she treats me like her personal servant. I tolerate her because of my kids.
I don't want to break up the family. I don't want my kids have to move away from their friends because as single people neither of us can afford to live in this area. I don't want to see my kids half the time. I don't want my wife remarrying and have some other guy raising my kids when I am not there.
I made the decision long ago to put up with my wife as long as I can because of my kids. I am fully aware of the arguments against my plan but this is what I think is best for everyone involved.
The author of the article kinda hits home with what she is saying but as we all know, it's never an easy decision no matter what you choose. Maybe I'm being selfish, maybe I'm making the wrong choices, I don't know. I see my psychologist every month and talk about this stuff and she helps keep me afloat. For now this is what I have, maybe something will change in six months, who knows.
It's possible to win every battle but still lose the war.
carl I don't think we need minimise the effect of emotional or verbal abuse on men. Where there is no physical abuse involved I don't think the impact on men is any less. What is different is the fear factor in terms of escalation to physical violence. My ex was emotionally abusive and he used to hit things around me - that was a physical threat - and yes, I guess maybe that's a magnifying factor. As soon as I started playing rugby - that stopped. But the emotional and verbal abuse and coercive control continued.
In general, I think we (as a society) minimise the impact of emotional abuse in general toward men or women. I mean yes, physical violence is awful, but emotional abuse is so tricky because it's not black and white. And in many cases, it is also reciprocal. Even in my deal I definitely strove NOT to be emotionally or verbally abusive but I defo said things I wished I hadn't.
lifeinwoodinville- I also made the choice to stay for my kid- for all the reasons you mentioned. Yes, I know it was probably selfish but it was the least awful decision I faced. The kids will grow up and leave the nest. At that point, you can re-evaluate your life and face yet another difficult decision. For now, try to be content with your situation. Remind yourself of the reasons why you made the decision to stay and look for other ways to find joy in your life. Focusing on what you’re missing from your wife is counterproductive at this point.
misssunnybunny: You're welcome! So glad to hear you had a great day
Jan 19, 2019 16:34:01 GMT -5
worksforme2: anyone hear anything lately from mrslowmaintenance or smartkat?
Jan 24, 2019 18:06:02 GMT -5
petrushka: Just saw the forecast for Mildura at 47C -- I hope you and Ms. Enna are going to be ok Baz. That's getting dangerous.
Jan 24, 2019 20:10:00 GMT -5
lifeinwoodinville: I last heard from mrslowmaintenance about a month ago. I have been in regular contact with her for the last year and a half. I feel comfortable in saying that her situation remains unchanged. If you want to know more PM me.
Jan 25, 2019 22:36:50 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey baza,...I know it's hot and dry down under. N.C. is having record rainfall. I would gladly trade some rain for some sunshine....
Feb 22, 2019 20:28:35 GMT -5