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Post by twotimesone on Sept 13, 2018 1:13:13 GMT -5
My W seemed to have resented me for years maybe because my W wanted me to change to a person who I am not. She didn't like it when I play video games, didn't like it when I am messy, wants me to appreciate the marriage that she imagined. Since then, I don't play video games as much because I am simply too tired to think about video games. My W cleans up after me and often misplaces my stuff that takes me a long time to find. And I don't appreciate the marriage that she imagined.
A few years ago I decided not to clam up and started to build some resentment towards my W. I started yelling at my W instead of taking things beaten down. My W used to buy me stuff and gives me advice of what to do as if she wants me to 'help me improve' but in reality she wants to change me to the person that I don't want to be or do the things that I want to do. At least when I yelled at her maybe it is a way for her to say that she should give me space.
As the result of her giving me some space, I didn't have that much resentment as I used to. I don't resent or hate her as much because I think the amount of energy to hate someone is bad for you. However, the years of resentment has taken its toll. I used to think of a future in retirement that she will be there by my side in my sunset years. Now I don't think so, and that's fine by me.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 13, 2018 0:36:11 GMT -5
Money is not the big issue for me. I wanted to come home with kids, even if the W drives me crazy.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 10, 2018 16:43:41 GMT -5
But today wife flipped and really screamed and threw away my stuff. This is unacceptable. You need to think about why you are letting yourself be treated this way. That is what I did, and it took me a lot longer than you. The worst thing is that his W is probably badmouthing their kids about him. As the result, the kids probably won't respect him either. Divorce or not, he really need to grow a backbone, no offense.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 10, 2018 10:56:21 GMT -5
Take it from someone whose W did the same crap as your W did, I know what it is like to be in your shoes. Of course, there's the option 1 which is divorce. It is costly but you will get out with your sanity intact. Or you can be like me who stayed.
Obviously, her behavior is inexcusable and she won't listen to you because she believes that you're the problem in her marriage. In my situation, the people who ultimately talked her down was their side of the family. In my case, my W's relatives believe that she and not me is the problem. Why don't you talk to their relatives about this issue?
I used to take my W's crap and shut up about it, but sometimes I have to be an ahole in order get my voices heard. If she is being unreasonable, then you should be an ahole and yell at her for it. If you are being too nice, she will step all over you and have no respect for you. If you stand your ground, at least next time she tries to confront you, she will think twice before doing that. Sorry ladies, I used to treat women with respect but I learned over the years that sometimes you have to stand up for something you believe in otherwise they will run all over you.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 9, 2018 7:27:51 GMT -5
While I do feel sorry for you about your migraines, I don't know if your H is uncaring. I've have had migraines and no way as bad as yours. But I do disagree about your H making you 'anxious' and peppering you with questions as a sign of a bad H, in fact the very opposite. If your H was bad, he could've dismissed your migraines as nothing and told you to get out of your bed. Maybe you should've told your H to get the ice and bag of peas for your head. Instead you didn't communicate what you want to your H and as the result, you H don't know what to do ask all those questions.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 8, 2018 8:27:43 GMT -5
I am staying. I will say and do anything I have to just out of pure laziness of not wanting to start over. I will gas light, manipulate, reset and bond and because I refuse to lose what I worked for. I will not divide or lose my family unit. I will fake my life with him and live my life when we are at work or I’m out with friends. As long as he believes it is all that matters to me. He can try tracking me but he has no idea I have a burner phone or an app on his phone. I will not give up my lifestyle that I know. I completely understand where you are right now. This was me in 2013. We had so many trust issues. Thinking knowledge is power, I began collecting forensic information from his phone and laptop. What I found led me to what his issues were with me, how we could recover, and how to deal with my issues with him. It took a long-ass time and a shit-ton of work. Neither one of us are perfect, but we trust each other now. Through hard work, both on ourselves, our careers, our home and relationships, we've built quite a life together. I don't want to give mine up either. What scares me about your post, is it sounds like neither of you trust the other. I don't have to tell you this can lead down some vicious paths. Please be careful. I totally agree with what you said, but I am kind of with bc on this one. For me, I tried everything with my W, try to reset my relationship, convince her to counseling but often she used sex as a bargaining chip to make me do something. I just think it is too tough to start over because of the life we built together. I am there because of the kids, not because of my W (the SM started a few years after we had kids.) But once the kids are out of the coup, I am too. Meanwhile, I used a burner phone to outsource.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 7, 2018 10:26:53 GMT -5
It is an awesome place to vent about SM issues. Last weekend my W and I went to a wedding. We were there with a number of old friends and I was the DD. At one point in the evening I reached over and unthinkingly, placed my hand on my W's thigh. She immediately backed away from me in her chair. She had a look on her face like I had just stabbed her with a steak knife. Our friend across the table said, "Oh, he is hoping for some tonight". Other friends started to giggle. I said, "All I have left is hope." The giggles shut down and the table fell silent as a tomb. I know for a fact that ours is not the only SM among those present that night. The elephant in the room... I'm not looking for advice or sympathy - just making the observation that ours is not a subject easily discussed. I know what you mean. The other day me and my W sitting on the bed and I put my hands on her thigh and she screamed like bloody rape.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 7, 2018 8:24:37 GMT -5
How are family meetings run in your house? H just came home from the gym (spent a good hour and a half to two hours there) Ana immediately told our 15 year old and me he was calling a “family meeting”. Something we have never once in 17 – almost 18 – years of marriage done before. Son and I sat on the love seat, he parked himself in a chair sitting directly across from us, and immediately began stating his concerns: “So, I want us to talk about things the family… It sounds to me like you have been talking about me to our son behind my back… It sounds like you want to go to Europe for your longevity and you want to take C with you… And it sounds like you were talking about taking him and not taking me. I think you told him that you weren’t sure whether I was coming with you. Well, I have decided that I’m not going to allow that… If you want to take him to Europe, that is fine, but if you take him, I am going to go with you, and you were not allowed to take him during the school year, although during summer school is fine. But I am coming with you, for safety reasons.”
I asked where was this coming from. He responded that he thinks that we were talking about him behind his back before he went to Costa Rica three weeks ago. I want to go to Spain, Italy, possibly the Netherlands, and possibly Morocco next summer. I have other adults, such as my mom, who have expressed interest in going to Europe as well. So I asked, “What if another adult comes with me?”
He dug his heels: “I’m still not going to allow it. Traveling in Europe is unsafe for Americans. And what if you guys lose your passports, and our son loses his eyeglasses, then what are you gonna do? He doesn’t have good eyesight!”
By this point, I was starting to get pissed. I responded and said “OK, going to stop you right there… This is NOT A family meeting – this is you dictating to us! That is not how meetings work. If you have a meeting, you call ahead of time, and you have an agenda – meetings always have agendas! furthermore, each person who is up to us a parent is asked for their input – this is more you making a unilateral decision.” I explained that I was not participating.
I then proceeded to mansplain more to him how meetings work, since I work in an office and he is a teacher. Not my finest moment, but as I said, I was upset.
he backed off slightly, and then we decided we would ask everyone in the room with they were topics they wanted to bring up… Husband looked at our son and give him a lot of back rent information about how “You know that your mom and I are having trouble in our marriage right now, and I love both you and her, but we both need to change. Do you have any thoughts about that?”
Our son looked like he so did not want to be there. He put another bite of Pirate’s Booty in his mouth, and said “ I am not going to participate in this meeting”. Which was a slight rewording of what I had just said.
I asked about our mortgage refinance that we’ve been working on since May. (It sounds like our charged off second mortgage is probably going to prevent us from being able to refinance at all). Husband responded that he was waiting for a letter from the holder of our second mortgage, which you could then send to the mortgage broker. Then he added that he’s already received a letter from the mortgage company informing us that our Application was rejected, but that he had been told by the broker directly to discount that. Then he turned to her son and asked him if he knew what forclosure was.
So. How do your families actually do family meetings? I feel like I was bombarded with something that had been sticking in his craw, and put on the spot in front of my child.If you are having trouble getting approved for a home refi perhaps you might want to consider a cheaper vacation than Europe. Just my two cents. Oh and he should have had the conversation with you and not involved the child until the adults had come to an agreement. I agree. Sometimes people can't admit that they are also the cause of the problem too, judging by her one sentence response to my questions and her deleted her posts.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 6, 2018 19:48:01 GMT -5
He also took himself to a foreign country for 2 weeks solo after having invited me and then rescinding the invite. The point is not really about the money. Then again, maybe it is money related because you mentioned about having problems getting the 2nd mortgage? Obviously there is a lack of communication between you 2 which caused this problem, which probably festered for a long time. Sometimes fights like this would gets kids in the middle in your case because both of you can't agree what is the best for your child and as a result, you get the good cop and bad cop parenting. I'll give you an example in my case. For my son's birthday, he wants $20 vbucks for fortnite. I disagreed and I told him to wait for the sale of the $5 vbucks promotion with an item because you getting a better deal. Me and my W agreed but a few days later I realized that she brought $20 vbucks. It makes it look like that she was the good mom who brought the gift and I am the bad dad because I am the cheapskate. In your case it seemed that you try to make yourself look better to your son by making your H look bad thus why maybe your H was complaining that others are talking behind his back. I know, I've been there.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 6, 2018 18:17:48 GMT -5
Thanks for taking the time to give me these member's names. I don't have time now, heading off to kayak this morning, but will try to read through them later tonight. time4intimacy .... Message me anytime and/or post here. Trying to check here a few times a week.
Best of luck as you try to keep something going. Your W *initiating* with you is key. Don't know if the reason it was mutually hot for you last time on 9/3 was because you put some fear in your W that she might lose you, or if she has done some soul searching about where things had been going. Open communication is also key with your long term marriage success... so don't be afraid to ask her about it in an open ended and perhaps indirect way... Try to find out her reasons for spicing it up.
Finally, it doesn't look good if your W refuses counseling. To me, that implies / means that she doesn't feel like she needs to change much, if at all, and that she's generally fine just the way things are. Perhaps she doesn't want to spend the money on it, but most likely she feels like she doesn't really have to change. Or she may feel like things are "too complicated" to get into with a counselor. But that's *precisely* the reason you want to involve a counselor... to help cut through all of the peripheral issues to get to the core issues that you both need to work on.
Joint counseling, in person, is what helped *start* our marriage turn around in about 6-8 weeks. The counselor met with me *separately* 2 times at the beginning, then my wife separately 2 times at the beginning, then we began joint counseling. Without it, I would have separated for sure, then most likely divorced. My W and I are both relatively smart people, so for years we thought we could work through things ourselves (books, talking, etc.) without spending the $ on a counselor. We were wrong. Money on a good counselor is an investment and money well spent. If the counselor your first choose isn't working after X weeks (maybe 8-12 weeks) , don't be afraid to try a different counselor.
TL2
Well put. I asked my W if we can go to counseling and her response is that we don't need any. Maybe she thinks that I am the problem and I have to go counseling. When I asked my W about having someone babysitting the kids while we go out, I get the response "I don't care about the kids." So I am not surprised about the response here.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 6, 2018 8:11:35 GMT -5
Let me ask you this... why not just shower and then ask me, privately, if we can discuss the trip? His trying to keep the marriage together by putting our teenager on the spot is causing me to feel the opposite. I think you are talking about the chicken before the egg question. Maybe you should ask why did he call the 'family meeting' in the first place. It sounds like you made the decision to go to the trip without consulting him. Telling him to pay on his own is a definite sign that you don't want him to come along. You made a family decision and left him in the lurch. My W does this kind of crap making dumb vacation decisions all the time and I hate it. Even my W making these dumb vacation decisions, she would have to decency to pay for it as a sign that she wants me to come along. If your H made a decision to go on a vacation and take the kids with him and tells you can come if you want but you have to pay for it, wouldn't you get a little ticked off?
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 5, 2018 11:48:31 GMT -5
In answer to twotimesone question: "Men are responsible for most cases of domestic violence, but women are three times more likely to be arrested for incidents of abuse, research reveals today.,,, But in general, women were three times more likely to be arrested: during the six-year period, men were arrested once in every 10 incidents and women arrested once in every three. www.theguardian.com/society/2009/aug/28/women-arrested-domestic-violence en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence_in_the_United_StatesProbably true, but according to wikipedia, less than 1% of domestic violence are reported to the police by men. And yes, I know mostly women are the victims and they are mostly likely to be more injured or killed. "Studies have found that men are much less likely to report victimization in these situations.[39] According to some studies, less than 1% of domestic violence cases are reported to the police.[40][41] In the United States 10–35% of the population will be physically aggressive towards a partner at some point in their lives.[24][42][43] As abuse becomes more severe women become increasingly overrepresented as victims.[42] The National Violence Against Women Survey for 2000 reported that 25% of women and 7.6% of men reported being victims of intimate partner violence at some point in their lives.[44] The rate of intimate partner violence in the U. S. has declined since 1993.[45]"
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 5, 2018 8:43:38 GMT -5
Since when wives gets arrested for beating their husbands?
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 5, 2018 6:53:15 GMT -5
While I do think that H's behavior is inexcusable, did he ever came to you privately and disagreed with you before this 'family meeting?' Sometimes my W made these important family decisions without consulting with me and I have disagreements with my W, but I would never bring my kids into the mix. His behavior sounds like someone who thinks that he is losing control. Nope. This seemed very random. So let me ask you about the trip to Europe. Did you plan this or did he have some say in this. Sounds like from his rant he doesn't sound any. He also had some time to think about it because he had this meeting after his workout. Also, it sounds like he is trying to keep the marriage together otherwise he wouldn't cared about joining in the trip and mentioning that the marriage is in trouble. Sorry, I think I only got one side of the story here.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 4, 2018 15:06:35 GMT -5
While I do think that H's behavior is inexcusable, did he ever came to you privately and disagreed with you before this 'family meeting?' Sometimes my W made these important family decisions without consulting with me and I have disagreements with my W, but I would never bring my kids into the mix. His behavior sounds like someone who thinks that he is losing control.
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