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Post by time4intimacy on Sept 3, 2018 14:22:28 GMT -5
I keep hoping my SM will turn around and I started counseling a week ago. I have been trying some of the things the counselor has told me. I have not idea if that has made the difference or not.
However, Friday night we ended up having sex. It was not plain sex either, it was really good hot sex. Besides that time, we have had sex one other time in the last 6 months and that was not so good as I hurt myself. ( You can look it up on a prior thread)
Now, not sure if I can repeat this, but I am certainly going to try. I did tell her a few weeks ago, that one way or another I am not going to go the rest of my life without sex. Maybe she realized I am not going to be just passive about it.
Going to try to repeat it again tonight.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2018 15:15:18 GMT -5
Congratulations!
My advice, take it or leave it:
Make sure she knows before tonight how special the experience was to you and how much you appreciate it.
I hope you are spending the weekend complimenting her and doing things for her that make her feel good and wanted, doing things that she hates doing. Anything she normally has to ask you to do, do it now before being asked.
And if you haven't done any of those things, it might make sense to not try again tonight yet, but to invest the time and effort into making her feel special and for her to associate your making her feel special with how she made you feel special before you make your move. Because being rejected tonight will fucking hurt and you want to make sure that you did everything right to set the mood for her to want a repeat performance. Without knowing the details of your relationship, I think waiting a day or two (or even a week!) while you make her feel special might be a very smart move if you want a real turnaround.
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Post by flounder on Sept 3, 2018 20:56:03 GMT -5
Buy her some flowers or something you know she would enjoy. Build her up. Let her know how much it meant to you. It obviously gave you a self esteem boost,perhaps she is in need of one as well.
I agree with shynjdude. While you are excited,and rightfully so,pressuring her might backfire. Give it a few days.
Now if she initiates it,by God man bang her brains out .
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Post by baza on Sept 3, 2018 22:10:49 GMT -5
If you are set on a course of attempting the "turnaround" then you certainly have the job in front of you Brother time4intimacy . Members who's stories might be helpful for you would be - timeforliving2 - who has written extensively on the subject jamesbonding - who has written a bit on the subject Anonymous Steve - though he hasn't written much. Possibly @shynjdude 's more recent posts might be of value too, but I don't think he is claiming a turnaround at this point. Could be on the way though.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 3, 2018 22:12:46 GMT -5
Nice, I wish I could get my W and I to counseling. The only kind of sex I get is starfish sex.
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Post by time4intimacy on Sept 4, 2018 5:10:17 GMT -5
Congratulations! My advice, take it or leave it: Make sure she knows before tonight how special the experience was to you and how much you appreciate it. I hope you are spending the weekend complimenting her and doing things for her that make her feel good and wanted, doing things that she hates doing. Anything she normally has to ask you to do, do it now before being asked. And if you haven't done any of those things, it might make sense to not try again tonight yet, but to invest the time and effort into making her feel special and for her to associate your making her feel special with how she made you feel special before you make your move. Because being rejected tonight will fucking hurt and you want to make sure that you did everything right to set the mood for her to want a repeat performance. Without knowing the details of your relationship, I think waiting a day or two (or even a week!) while you make her feel special might be a very smart move if you want a real turnaround. I did treat her very well this weekend and she treated me well too. We had a good weekend, we ran a 5k together and then took the boat out in the ocean while she read and I fished until we got caught in a storm an d hand to come back in 5 foot waves. Last night we went to a local farmers market of sorts and got steaks and some veggies and cooked dinner together. Then, we started watching a new show on amazon. Everything went well, but we were both exhausted and before I knew it we feel asleep and I never did try for sex, but I am happy with the direction this weekend went.
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Post by time4intimacy on Sept 4, 2018 5:12:16 GMT -5
Buy her some flowers or something you know she would enjoy. Build her up. Let her know how much it meant to you. It obviously gave you a self esteem boost,perhaps she is in need of one as well. I agree with shynjdude. While you are excited,and rightfully so,pressuring her might backfire. Give it a few days. Now if she initiates it,by God man bang her brains out . flounder - thanks so much for the advice and you can see my update in my last post. I am in total agreement to bang her brains out! Hopefully, sooner than 6 months this time.
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Post by time4intimacy on Sept 4, 2018 5:13:45 GMT -5
If you are set on a course of attempting the "turnaround" then you certainly have the job in front of you Brother time4intimacy . Members who's stories might be helpful for you would be - timeforliving2 - who has written extensively on the subject jamesbonding - who has written a bit on the subject Anonymous Steve - though he hasn't written much. Possibly @shynjdude 's more recent posts might be of value too, but I don't think he is claiming a turnaround at this point. Could be on the way though. Thanks for taking the time to give me these member's names. I don't have time now, heading off to kayak this morning, but will try to read through them later tonight.
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Post by time4intimacy on Sept 4, 2018 5:15:52 GMT -5
Nice, I wish I could get my W and I to counseling. The only kind of sex I get is starfish sex. My wife refuses counseling, I decided to go on my own without her. I am using an online service called betterhealth. You pay a flat monthly rate for unlimited sessions. The more you put into it, the more you get out of it. I like it because you are not waiting a week or two weeks between communication with your counselor.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 4, 2018 5:47:37 GMT -5
Congratulations! My advice, take it or leave it: Make sure she knows before tonight how special the experience was to you and how much you appreciate it. I hope you are spending the weekend complimenting her and doing things for her that make her feel good and wanted, doing things that she hates doing. Anything she normally has to ask you to do, do it now before being asked. And if you haven't done any of those things, it might make sense to not try again tonight yet, but to invest the time and effort into making her feel special and for her to associate your making her feel special with how she made you feel special before you make your move. Because being rejected tonight will fucking hurt and you want to make sure that you did everything right to set the mood for her to want a repeat performance. Without knowing the details of your relationship, I think waiting a day or two (or even a week!) while you make her feel special might be a very smart move if you want a real turnaround. I did treat her very well this weekend and she treated me well too. We had a good weekend, we ran a 5k together and then took the boat out in the ocean while she read and I fished until we got caught in a storm an d hand to come back in 5 foot waves. Last night we went to a local farmers market of sorts and got steaks and some veggies and cooked dinner together. Then, we started watching a new show on amazon. Everything went well, but we were both exhausted and before I knew it we feel asleep and I never did try for sex, but I am happy with the direction this weekend went. This is why many guys don't want to have kids. No offense to the married women out there. Once they have kids, the primary center of attention diverts from the husband to the kids. We used to go on vacation without the kids and we used to have a great time until my W decides one day that my priority became #10 in the home. She would not go anythere, even a vacation or even a few hours and have someone babysit the kids while we have fun. All I have become is an accessory and butler to the vacation/outings. I don't even enjoy them anymore. I am not saying the kids are not important. But sometimes mothers just can't turn off the mommy switch for a few hours and be a wives to their husbands anymore.
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Post by workingonit on Sept 4, 2018 7:08:12 GMT -5
Congratulations! My advice, take it or leave it: Make sure she knows before tonight how special the experience was to you and how much you appreciate it. I hope you are spending the weekend complimenting her and doing things for her that make her feel good and wanted, doing things that she hates doing. Anything she normally has to ask you to do, do it now before being asked. And if you haven't done any of those things, it might make sense to not try again tonight yet, but to invest the time and effort into making her feel special and for her to associate your making her feel special with how she made you feel special before you make your move. Because being rejected tonight will fucking hurt and you want to make sure that you did everything right to set the mood for her to want a repeat performance. Without knowing the details of your relationship, I think waiting a day or two (or even a week!) while you make her feel special might be a very smart move if you want a real turnaround. I did treat her very well this weekend and she treated me well too. We had a good weekend, we ran a 5k together and then took the boat out in the ocean while she read and I fished until we got caught in a storm an d hand to come back in 5 foot waves. Last night we went to a local farmers market of sorts and got steaks and some veggies and cooked dinner together. Then, we started watching a new show on amazon. Everything went well, but we were both exhausted and before I knew it we feel asleep and I never did try for sex, but I am happy with the direction this weekend went. Sounds like a great time! I don't think my h and I have ever had such a fun set of activities together.
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 4, 2018 9:25:22 GMT -5
I did treat her very well this weekend and she treated me well too. We had a good weekend, we ran a 5k together and then took the boat out in the ocean while she read and I fished until we got caught in a storm an d hand to come back in 5 foot waves. Last night we went to a local farmers market of sorts and got steaks and some veggies and cooked dinner together. Then, we started watching a new show on amazon. Everything went well, but we were both exhausted and before I knew it we feel asleep and I never did try for sex, but I am happy with the direction this weekend went. This is why many guys don't want to have kids. No offense to the married women out there. Once they have kids, the primary center of attention diverts from the husband to the kids. We used to go on vacation without the kids and we used to have a great time until my W decides one day that my priority became #10 in the home. She would not go anythere, even a vacation or even a few hours and have someone babysit the kids while we have fun. All I have become is an accessory and butler to the vacation/outings. I don't even enjoy them anymore. I am not saying the kids are not important. But sometimes mothers just can't turn off the mommy switch for a few hours and be a wives to their husbands anymore. "Sometimes" being the key word here. There are plenty of women here on this forum who are mothers and also happen to be the refused in their marriages. I do agree it can be a very hard juggling act to divide priorities between husband and children (and job, and house, and and and) but sometimes the children's needs HAVE to come first. Parenting demands selflessness at times. It doesn't sound to me like you understand that. Or at least, that you resent it. Your experience with your wife is not everyone's experience once they become parents. You say that "sometimes mothers just can't turn off the mommy switch for a few hours and be wives to their husbands anymore". What is you are doing for her to help her WANT to do that with you? Many of your posts here read to me like you are a bit of a selfish jerk in your marriage. That wouldn't exactly make me want to jump your bones either and I have a very high sex drive. Maybe your actions as a husband are worth reexamining too?? I also completely disagree with the statement that "many guys don't want to have kids". That has not been my experience AT ALL.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 4, 2018 14:44:38 GMT -5
This is why many guys don't want to have kids. No offense to the married women out there. Once they have kids, the primary center of attention diverts from the husband to the kids. We used to go on vacation without the kids and we used to have a great time until my W decides one day that my priority became #10 in the home. She would not go anythere, even a vacation or even a few hours and have someone babysit the kids while we have fun. All I have become is an accessory and butler to the vacation/outings. I don't even enjoy them anymore. I am not saying the kids are not important. But sometimes mothers just can't turn off the mommy switch for a few hours and be a wives to their husbands anymore. "Sometimes" being the key word here. There are plenty of women here on this forum who are mothers and also happen to be the refused in their marriages. I do agree it can be a very hard juggling act to divide priorities between husband and children (and job, and house, and and and) but sometimes the children's needs HAVE to come first. Parenting demands selflessness at times. It doesn't sound to me like you understand that. Or at least, that you resent it. Your experience with your wife is not everyone's experience once they become parents. You say that "sometimes mothers just can't turn off the mommy switch for a few hours and be wives to their husbands anymore". What is you are doing for her to help her WANT to do that with you? Many of your posts here read to me like you are a bit of a selfish jerk in your marriage. That wouldn't exactly make me want to jump your bones either and I have a very high sex drive. Maybe your actions as a husband are worth reexamining too?? I also completely disagree with the statement that "many guys don't want to have kids". That has not been my experience AT ALL. Where did I say that the kids are not a priority? I've sacrificed enough for my kids, my wife and the marriage enough. Even my in laws know that. So I can fairly say that you don't know my situation. I'm replying to time4intimacy's post about having someone babysit the kids once a while and we go out (and not in bed.) But my W insists that every time we go out, we have to bring the kids along.
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Post by time4intimacy on Sept 4, 2018 17:10:49 GMT -5
I think there has to be a balance between kids and no kids. You definitely need some time without the kids to reconnect one on one. Maybe plan one or two activities a month with no kids. I am not sure if you can have your wife commit to that, but if you can, it would be a great start.
Regarding guys not wanting kids. I don't think it is most guys either. The reasons vary considerably and I think guys thinking it will take away wife time is not the #1 reason.
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Post by timeforliving2 on Sept 6, 2018 16:46:37 GMT -5
I think there has to be a balance between kids and no kids. You definitely need some time without the kids to reconnect one on one. Maybe plan one or two activities a month with no kids. I am not sure if you can have your wife commit to that, but if you can, it would be a great start. Regarding guys not wanting kids. I don't think it is most guys either. The reasons vary considerably and I think guys thinking it will take away wife time is not the #1 reason.
There needs to be balance between spouse / couple time and time with kids. As our counselor once said to my W when we were trying to solve the SM: "There are 168 hours in the week... There has to be *some* time you can make in there for sex and intimacy."
I do agree that my W was one of those whose focus went to 100% for the kids once we had them. Easy to understand in months 1, 2, and 3.... but when it also becomes Year 1, 2, 3... 10, 11, 12... It's a big problem.
"The marriage" is its own deal... Both people have to put something into it for this thing to work. When it's one sided it doesn't work. When one partner isn't getting his/her key needs met, it doesn't work.
TL2
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