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Post by dinnaken on Oct 23, 2017 13:41:54 GMT -5
I have a slightly different take.
I think that you have to find happiness somewhere in your life. That might be at home (unlikely!) or in the escape offered by a job or in hobbies etc at weekends.
Many years ago an old guy, sadly long dead, told me "You have to find happiness somewhere" and I took that to heart. I had no chance of happiness at home and I was in a job I hated. That was going to kill me in time, one way or another.
I felt I couldn't leave my marriage ('cos of the child) - so I changed my job. It was hard work but worth it; I earn a lot less but now that we are separated I can still get by and each month I can even save a little.
So my sexless marriage made me get a happier job
Result!
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 23, 2017 1:36:34 GMT -5
Hi @rosie I'm not long out of a 27 years long, sexless, intimacy-less marriage. I'm sorry to read your story. I hope it helps to realise that there are others who will appreciate what you are saying and, in some measure, understand what you are going through.
In retrospect, like you, I consider myself to have been very foolish and naive but don't be too hard on yourself - we made our choices based on the best interpretation we could make of the information we had to hand at the time.
Some suggestions, they are well meant and I hope they help:
I found the whole experience, especially in the last few years of the marriage, very isolating and I lost touch even with close friends. So, I have been getting back in touch with people and none have been judgemental, all have been accepting.
I've started a night-school class and I get out to a pub-quiz fairly regularly; all of this has helped.
My anxiety has declined and I am more relaxed but with that relaxation has dawned the realisation of what I put myself through for all those years - that is proving difficult to deal with.
All the very best
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 22, 2017 2:39:54 GMT -5
Hi @rosie Welcome, I'm glad that you've found this site and I hope that you find support and help here.
Like you I've recently (four months ago) left a long (27 years) loveless and sexless marriage.
I'm sorry that you feel lost and bereft. I can remember, in the immediate aftermath, just sitting in a chair for hours - stunned. I had a couple of mild panic attacks in the supermarket (anyway that's what the doc told me they were), I had a lot of anxiety to deal with and really bad dreams, as well.
But for me things have started to get better and I now describe myself as 'happy' - and I am - but I'm conscious that I have a lot of underlying **** to deal with.
Very best wishes - you are not alone
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 19, 2017 13:48:39 GMT -5
Yes, When I found this site in 2016 I realised that 'It wasn't me' and that was the sharp kick I needed to make the changes I needed to make in my life. Like you I am just so grateful for what I now have.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 19, 2017 12:48:01 GMT -5
Hi shamwow This is just great to read As you say, we all have our choices to make - the key thing is that, whichever choice we make, we end up in a happier place than when we first arrived here. I think we both left our SM at around the same time and four months out everything just seems 'normal' - it's wonderful. All the very best Steve
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 19, 2017 0:55:15 GMT -5
Good luck Sister warmways Keep us posted
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 18, 2017 15:02:41 GMT -5
I'm saddened by all these stories; my condolences and fellow-feelings go out to all of you here.
From my marriage there was a similar, odd lack of compassion it was almost a complete inability to connect. This story must suffice:
My wife's father was a lovely, thoughtful man. I hadn't been able to reach him on the phone for four days; this wasn't unusual but I went to his house to see if he was OK. I was met there by the neighbours who told me that he had just been found dead; he'd been dead for four days. After dealing with the police and identifying the body, I waited alone in the house for the undertakers and then cleaned up the blood and vomit on the kitchen floor.
My wife couldn't face any of this - fair enough but when I took her back to her dad's house next day, we went into the kitchen and she made her only comment to me; she pointed to a spot on the floor, some distance from where his body had lain and said, critically, "You missed a bit".
It's like there is something missing, it's an absence, a void that I am at a loss to understand.
I guess we all are.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 16, 2017 1:24:13 GMT -5
Thanks flashjohn Because, in the end, I refused to 'just accept this way of life' I am now so much happier. I now have a past and a future - not just the ongoing misery I had before All the very best
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 14, 2017 16:22:52 GMT -5
I thought I could stick it out.
I was wrong.
The last year before my split with my wife was a hell I don't ever want to experience again.
Don't ever think you can 'tough it out to the end'
One way or another, it would finish you
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 12, 2017 17:19:50 GMT -5
Don't be disheartened
Seeing the lawyer doesn't commit you to a course of action it just makes any decision you make a better informed one.
Good luck
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 11, 2017 1:14:10 GMT -5
Hello sarah I'm sorry that you find yourself here; your story will be familiar to many, myself included. It might seem like it but you're not trapped, you're not doomed to always live like this. It may take time but you can develop options and make room to manoeuvre in. I would say that whatever you choose to do it will take time, effort and pain - don't dodge them. I was in a sexless marriage for 27 years and even though I am now single and happy, you don't get the years back All the best
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 11, 2017 0:47:34 GMT -5
I haven't seen it before but it's a fair summary of the reasons why I left my wife.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 9, 2017 13:10:33 GMT -5
Given my appalling track record with the opposite sex, I can only say - chance would be a fine thing!
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 8, 2017 13:07:16 GMT -5
Hi Caris Thanks for your comments. I took the view that the dementia was robbing him of the ability to manage his behaviour and trying to reason with him was pointless. You're right, my choice on that occasion has brought me peace - thank goodness. I completely agree with you about not tolerating abuse; within my marriage I was fortunate in not being subjected to the behaviours that you were. No, it doesn't relieve the pain or undo the damage. It is only now, looking back on the marriage, that I can see just how wrong it was but I've enough on my plate dealing with the damage and sadness - thankfully I'm not lumbered with resentment as well :-)
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 6, 2017 16:35:40 GMT -5
I'm out and living in my own house
I'm at the serene acceptance stage (thank goodness)
Denial and Bargaining were early on in the marriage. I got really angry in year 12 and that lasted for about a year, until I realised how pointless it was. Depression, sadness, gloom, despondency etc. lasted until I got out
Now I accept what happened to me - I regret it and it makes me sad to think of the wasted years but I accept the situation
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