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Post by dinnaken on Feb 8, 2017 1:34:09 GMT -5
Hi Amoshart, Yes, you're right, it's Scottish (although I'm not) and it just seemed to sum up how I felt about my situation - lots of questions and no answers - but I'm finding this site really helpful and I hope that you do to. Best wishes
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 7, 2017 17:22:13 GMT -5
Here is my two-penneth. Flashjohn I take your point about abuse; my wife was manipulative and controlling and she chose to emotionally blackmail me into having a child, guessing (rightly) that this would ensure I stayed in the marriage (not that I was aiming to leave). That is just not right on any level. But my position is much closer to Elle's; I choose not to be a victim either of my wife's behaviour or my own poor choices. I've picked myself up, dusted myself down and now I'm getting on. I've chosen to leave my anger and bitterness behind, they're baggage I just don't need. I still grieve for my squandered emotional life and the lost years, I always will, but I'm on my way out of the situation and I'll take those lessons with me. Finally, I've just logged on after my weekly meeting with my wife to discuss our progress to separation and eventual divorce; I sat with someone who was angry and frightened and no longer in sole control. I'm no victor but, for good or ill, she knows I've taken charge of my own destiny, that is what I want to take forward. I apologise if the foregoing sounds like a bit of a soapbox speech; I don't know what came over me! All the best
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 7, 2017 16:30:41 GMT -5
Hi Amoshart, Welcome, I'm a new member myself, only a little way ahead of you, I hope that you find here the support and reassurance that you need; I'm sure you will. All the very best
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 4, 2017 15:10:56 GMT -5
Come on folks, let's stay cheerful.
How about suggestions for an alternative Valentine's Day, one that sticks two fingers (or whatever's appropriate in your country) to the whole nonsense?
This is what I do on Valentine's Day and why.
Years ago a colleague at work asked me, all bright and cheerful, "What are you doing for Valentine's Day?" Irritated, I replied with the thing that seemed most anti-the sentiment of the day, "I'm going to sit in a room on my own and watch Brief Encounter" Later, I thought "Sod it, why not, it's a great film!" So that's what I do every February 14th, and I highly recommend it (glass of red wine, optional).
That's my anti-Valentine's Day, what's yours?
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 4, 2017 3:52:21 GMT -5
I was three months into my sexless marriage when I had to decide 'do I leave or not?'; I decided that I was going to stay, I was going to be a grown-up and fix things.
Well, 26 years later I'm finally getting out. Nothing got fixed.
Please read the stories here and listen to the advice, don't let this be your story too
All the very best
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 2, 2017 16:11:13 GMT -5
Hi richfairy72 The people here are offering good advice. You may have caught your counsellor 'on the hop' but, I'm from the UK and last summer I found myself speaking to a counsellor through work and like you I was just going to 'tick the box' but I was soon taken aback by the points she made (actually she was pretty tough with me at times) and her advice has stayed with me to this day. Stay the course (in every sense); you are amongst friends here and, personally, I thought my unhappy sexless marriage was just down to me right up to the moment I understood what was really going on and after that sudden realisation nothing was the same.
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Post by dinnaken on Jan 30, 2017 17:01:36 GMT -5
Hi Folks, Thanks for your messages of support. Thanks Flowerdust, I certainly hope my son does come to see the point you make; he has mild Asperger Syndrome which made my decision all the more difficult, he really doesn't like change! Apocrypha, horrific - that's the word; like you I'd researched 'does and don'ts' and we agreed what to say. Still, there really is no way to sugar-coat it but four days later things have settled, helped by the fact that my wife and I, helped by my family, are working with him to find a job and that's helped him to feel really supported at this time. I chose the name Dinnaken which, as you rightly say is old scottish for 'Don't know' because it seemed to sum up my general sense of bafflement, from very early on in my marriage as to what exactly was happening and how I got in this mess! Sadly, the bafflement extended to how I might get out... but we make the best choices we can, based on the information to hand at the time, and so, though I have many regrets, I don't criticise myself for those choices I made; I was doing the best I could under the circumstances and I think that applies to almost all of us.
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Post by dinnaken on Jan 30, 2017 3:37:06 GMT -5
Hi Guys, Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it. It all feels really daunting right now; I look at the lists of things to be sorted out and wonder if we'll ever get there and I know that it'll take all the courage I can find. One observation I would make after this week is that I used to spend hours fretting over a long list of small problems but, in the event, once I had started taking the BIG decisions, the small ones start to fall into place. Bye for now
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Post by dinnaken on Jan 29, 2017 18:23:41 GMT -5
Hello I've just had a tough few days and I've had to do the hardest and saddest thing I've ever done (so far) in my life. However, it's also been very positive in ways that caught me by surprise and I thought it might be useful to some people if I shared them.
My story is like many others here. I've been married for 26 years of which 20+ have been sexless and all of which have been without emotional or physical intimacy. Like many others I 'stayed for the child' but last summer when my child finished college I knew that I had no more reasons to stay, anything else would be excuses and avoidance. That coincided with my finding this web site and realising that I wasn't on my own - sadly, far from it.
I'd thought about this and planned, in an abstract way, for years what I would do; for years I was torn and overcome by anxiety for the possible future, really worried about money and if I could make a go of it on my own. At the same time I grieved for a wasted emotional life and piled on weight. I don't think you could ever overstate the impact living in a situation like this has on your self-esteem and confidence.
Anyhow, shortly before Christmas my wife told me that she had applied for a job she really wanted to do (fair enough) but that it was for a lot less money so we would have to rely on my wage in the future but that would be OK. Err... I don't think so
So that was it - time to 'S**t or get off the pot'. I spent four days deciding - was I ready to go? Could I deal with the consequences? I scoured the web; I live in the UK and found the Relate web site full of useful help and loads of sensible advice and there were others too.
I gathered my courage, sat down with my wife and remembering to be polite, light and business-like and to behave with integrity and decency, told her I wanted a separation. Her response, after a shocked pause, was "Yes, it's not really working is it?" After all the anxiety and fear, that was it. I've avoided any angry exchanges, given her time to catch up and we've started to plan our lives apart. She wants to be in control of the whole process, of course, but she is in essence a decent person just not the one I should have married.
Telling our child was a whole different ball game. I felt sick every time I thought about it but we agreed a time and sat waiting for his cheerful 'Hi' as he came into the house and I just sat there thinking "In 30 seconds I am going to devastate the child that I love" and so it turned out... The most terrible experience of my life. But we got through that time. There will be others but one day at a time...
I had dreaded telling my mother and siblings, each time I had to wind myself up to do it, but they were just supportive and I've realised that my mum and eldest brother had realised for some time that things weren't right. So, from my family and friends no drama, just calm and quiet support, for which I will be eternally grateful.
I'll sign off now; I am drained and can barely keep my eyes open. It's very early days but I hope that some of you find encouragement.
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Post by dinnaken on Jan 27, 2017 16:24:10 GMT -5
Fundamental values of honesty, decency and especially trustworthiness are basic to any relationship. Religion is a difficult area. My wife is profoundly and deeply religious; I never was but, initially, I was open minded and willing to support her in her beliefs. Now, after enduring many unhappy years of marriage I am a profound and happy atheist. I won't say much more on the subject lest I start to froth... but, personally, I would advise against a union such as mine, not unless you want to find yourself playing second fiddle to your spouse's imaginary friend.
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Post by dinnaken on Jan 25, 2017 15:41:57 GMT -5
Hi Baza, As an absolute newcomer to this forum, you kindly responded to my first post in the 'Introduce Yourself' section. I took the point that you made about stories and potential insights getting lost too quickly and possibly people being put off and I agree. In my case, I'm not someone who has used a forum before and with a personal issue like this it's all a bit overwhelming. My case might be similar to many; having screwed up the courage to post, the urge is to 'get it all off your chest' and so just posting 'Hi' in the 'Introduce Yourself' isn't really enough. I noticed that mine was just one of several similar posts at that time. You suggested to us all that we start separate threads in the 'Sexless Marriage Issues' section. May I say what would have been really useful for me as a complete beginner? First, a really simple beginner's guide that assumed that I was really anxious and knew nothing (I was!). Direct people to the 'Introduce Yourself' section but clearly state what it's for. Finally, have a 'My Story' section where people can start that 'get it out of your system' thread and other forum members can offer support, advice and/or insights. Personally, the most important thing for me was reading people's stories and realising I wasn't alone. From there I've moved on to the other threads for more specific information. Thanks for the site, I find it really helpful.
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Post by dinnaken on Jan 17, 2017 18:16:59 GMT -5
Hi Folks, I've been lurking here awhile and now feel ready to introduce myself.
I'm in my late fifties, I live in the UK and I've been married for 26 years (doesn't time fly, even when you're not having fun!); of those, 20+have been completely without any sex and little, if any, emotional and physical intimacy. The last time I had sex was fourteen years ago. It's not much fun but hey ho...
Of course, every story has two sides to it and I have been far from blameless; it's fair to say that, at the very least, I have been naive and foolish but at each turn we make the best choices we can based on the information we have to hand.
I'll spare you the gory details, for what I've read, here and elsewhere, my story has much in common with many of the others told here; with a few 'twists and turns' that make it uniquely mine.
I stopped being angry a long time ago. Like so many of us, I spent a long time trying to put things right before realising eventually that it just wasn't possible. Still, I'd Google away like the best of us, searching for reasons and answers getting more and more desperate until the evening of Friday 6th May last year, when for the first time I typed in 'sexless marriage', hit Enter and BINGO; I found you guys.
It hasn't been easy since then but two wees I asked for a separation. From here, the way ahead looks frightening and makes me sick with anxiety, sometimes I think that this will take more courage than I possess. In darker moments I grieve and sadness overcomes me but I'll press on and right now just typing this helps - a lot.
Bye for now
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