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Post by dinnaken on Oct 30, 2022 16:45:24 GMT -5
Sorry for not responding sooner; my friend and I have only just met up after three weeks. We've chatted a few times over the phone but we were only able to meet up three days ago. We ended up spending the whole day together, ambling around a seaside village in the south of the Lake District (we live in the UK). It was a lovely, mild autumn day and we spent it taking in the sights, listening to curlews and sipping tea. Did I mention that I have a thing about bandstands? I think they are such glorious oddities. In one small park there was a cast iron, Victorian bandstand and as we viewed it (at my insistence) she told me of an unsatisfactory date she had been on in the past, at which point I took the opportunity to formally ask her out on a date. I wanted my intentions to be clear and I wasn't going to end up in the 'friend zone' (been there, done that). A little flustered, she said she hadn't expected that but, yes. So, this Friday we are going on our first, official, date. Whatever happens, this has been a very pleasant experience. Bye for now
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 30, 2022 16:10:06 GMT -5
"One point I have been pondering... It's all very well me looking for Red Flags in her; inevitably there are some, indicative really of areas that need to be further explored, but what Red Flags am I potentially displaying? I guess we would all like to think that we are fine, we've done the work etc. but after five+ hours of conversation I'm aware that as you stir the pond things do float to the surface. Things that I will have to deal with." The one red flag that I'd see -- if you'd reveal that to me before we got intimate -- is that you were in a sexless marriage for so long. From my own experience I know that my being in a sexless marriage for decades was due to some of my own sexual hangups and beliefs. Otherwise, I wouldn't have stayed in it so long. Addressing my own issues -- via therapy and medication-- was what changed my life, allowing me to realize that I was normal to like and desire sex. So, if I were beginning to date a person who revealed their last relationship was a longterm sexless marriage, for me to get involved wtih them, I'd want to hear evidence that they had evolved beyond being a person who would stay in such a relationship. Their having had therapy would be a plus. Your describing your divorce as amicable and your not expressing bitterness about your ex would be plusses in your favor, however as would be the fact that you seem to have been able to happily thrive after divorce. You don't come across as a man who can't function without a woman in his life. What are the red flags you've noticed about her? I personally would probably not pursue a relationship with someone if I saw any redflags early on. I'd figure those would be the tip of the iceberg. Thanks for this, I appreciate your thoughts on this. We have briefly discussed our ex's and there is no rancour from either of us. I haven't touched upon the sexless nature of my marriage and I will follow your advice. It is a horrible thing, that happened to all of us, but I have put it behind me. I decided to put it firmly in the past and to move on. The 'red flags' were really my 'antennae' being a bit too sensitive. I think that we are both 'proceeding with caution'; having just spent a whole day with her, I have certainly noticed an important 'green flag'. Thanks again.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 30, 2022 15:44:23 GMT -5
Questions, questions... I am trying to relax and reflect carefully at the same time :-). Do you find this woman attractive physically? Does she turn you on sexually? Would you say that she is equal to, or better looking than your ex? If the answers are YES! Do you feel it's a great moral/ego booster? (that's been my experience after my divorce) A boost to finally feel desired, respected, capable and worthy of giving/receiving sex and intimacy again!!! Even if your new found friend/possible partner doesn't reach the sex/intimacy stage, there's the ego boost of knowing you're capable of attracting and relating to, communicating with an attractive woman! Yes, I do find her physically attractive; she is feminine - small and slim with a pleasant face and a lovely smile. Going out with her has been a joy; unlike my ex, I am able to be completely relaxed and at ease with her. It has been a great morale boost and a revelation - things can be different!
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 9, 2022 11:09:22 GMT -5
Hi Folks, Thank you for all of your responses. I apologise for not replying sooner; it's been a difficult week at work and I've been preoccupied with that. There are many wise words here that I will heed. Her being away has been a good time to reflect, to mull things over. I have reflected on my previous SM and, although I am content to be alone, I had been thinking (semi-seriously) about dating. Then this happened, very suddenly, and it has taken me aback. As we already knew each other well enough to chat, whenever we bumped into each other, the 'getting to know you' has been easier than it otherwise would have been. Hopefully, we'll be able to meet up within the next week or so. Questions, questions... I am trying to relax and reflect carefully at the same time :-).
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 3, 2022 14:50:19 GMT -5
Sounds like both of you are taking a healthy approach to forming a meaningful relationship! Someone with a 'well established life' Still has a need and room for a man to share it with! Hopefully you are both open to learning and trying new things. Different things you are both "established" with. Just imagine the possibilities! Hopefully you both will experience giving and receiving! Are you a giver? ( most of us who ended up in a SM fall into that category) Try receiving more . (taking) Ask and you shall receive! Thank you, yes, I've been pleasantly surprised at how we've got on. One of the things main things I sense we are doing at this point is establishing trust in each other; which is fine with me. We'll have to see how we get on when we 'push the envelope'. Yes, I am a 'giver', that's an interesting observation that hadn't occurred to me. It's a good point.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 3, 2022 14:14:36 GMT -5
Hi Folks, Well we dodged the showers, it only started to rain as we got back into the car; having spent several hours walking in a lovely park and having a coffee. Time did seem to pass quickly. It was very pleasant. She is away for work for ten days but we've agreed to arrange to meet after she returns.
I have the sense that we are both, separately, feeling our way in long-forgotten terrain. This isn't an unpleasant experience.
One point I have been pondering... It's all very well me looking for Red Flags in her; inevitably there are some, indicative really of areas that need to be further explored, but what Red Flags am I potentially displaying? I guess we would all like to think that we are fine, we've done the work etc. but after five+ hours of conversation I'm aware that as you stir the pond things do float to the surface. Things that I will have to deal with. Thoughts?
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Post by dinnaken on Sept 29, 2022 14:16:06 GMT -5
Hi folks, Just a quick update, we had a brief chat last night and we are meeting up this weekend for an afternoon stroll. Unsurprisingly, we both have well established lives, with plenty of commitments already so it will be mid-afternoon before we meet and we'll be dodging showers by the look of it. Still an opportunity to find out more. I'm beginning to relax into this idea of seeing someone. Bye for now
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Post by dinnaken on Sept 25, 2022 15:20:25 GMT -5
Hi Folks, Thanks for all of your best wishes. I promised to let you know how things went... Well... thinks went okay; I had thought we might chat for maybe 30-50 minutes but after we left and I got into my car, I was surprised to see that we had been chatting for almost two hours. The only problem was that the pub was very busy and, as she is softly spoken, I struggled to hear her at times. I was happy to let her do the talking. As I said in my original post, I know her through work and we have always been happy to chat but I only saw her once or twice a year. So, I knew (and still know) very little about her. We both like classical music and so I occasionally bump into her at concerts. Anyhow, as we left, I told her that I had enjoyed the evening and would like to do it again and she agreed (with an alacrity that was a little unnerving :-)). It was really good to dress smartly (I'm normally pretty scruffy) and have a pleasant evening. Very enjoyable, We'll see how it goes. northstarmom, you raise a good point; I haven't bothered dating for several reasons. I'm not averse to the idea but... my marriage was not to a bad person but we were very foolish and my confidence in my own judgement has been badly undermined. It's been 19 years since I had even starfish sex; I can manage without. The most serious reason was that, as I asked my wife for a separation my then boss started a campaign of workplace bullying to force me from my job. Had he succeeded I would have been trapped. It went on for nearly a year; I fought back and in the end he lost his job because of his actions but the toll it took on me, combined with separating from my wife, left me, in the words of my child "Dad you were a bit mad". It has taken a long time to heal from that year. Not aided by the fact that, I kid you not, he was replaced by an insecure Feminist ideologue whose management style is to make everyone frightened of her... seriously. It hasn't been an easy few years. Still, we have arranged to speak in the week and arrange another meet-up (date?). I'll keep you posted.
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Post by dinnaken on Sept 22, 2022 15:56:26 GMT -5
Thank you everyone, most sincerely, for the advice. It is all sensible and I have heeded it. My beard is trimmed and my shoes are shined.
We work in a small town with very few suitable places to meet, so we've agreed on a small pub/eatery in the countryside on the edge of town.
I know this woman to chat to but don't know much about her so I look forward to finding out more. I look forward to some light, bright conversation over a brew and we'll see how it goes.
Thanks again everybody
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Post by dinnaken on Sept 21, 2022 1:16:54 GMT -5
Thank you folks, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. It is psychologically weird nothing else, she is in her mid-fifties, about 10 years younger than me (note to self-must update my age on my profile). Yes, I have been overthinking it, something I have always been prone to, perhaps because I spend so much time alone. Fortunately, the time invested in reflecting on my marriage has been useful and I do have a clear idea of what I do / don't want. As you say Angeleyes65 we are older, wiser and better for it. Thanks folks, I agree with your analysis I'll pop along and see how it goes. Still the last time I met up with a woman like this was, literally, half my lifetime ago. Even just saying it in my head feels weird. I'll keep you posted.
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Post by dinnaken on Sept 20, 2022 15:47:21 GMT -5
Hi folks, I haven't posted here for nigh on five years, although I do pop in every so often to see what's going on. My ex and I separated five years ago and divorced two years ago. All amicable, well as amicable as these things go. No lawyers, 50:50 split. Since then I've had rather more 'excitement' than I would wish both at work and at home.
Nevertheless, I have become quite content with my lot and quite alone but then (long story short) I helped a woman I know through work, thought nothing of it but a month later she sent me a 'Thank You' card, with her number. I gave her a call and we meet this Friday.
I'm anxious and intrigued; I don't know if this is what I want to do. I'll go and see what happens; fingers crossed it will be a pleasant conversation after work.
But I won't lie, it's beginning to feel weird :-)
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 21, 2018 15:32:44 GMT -5
Hi Caris It's good to drop back into the forum. I stopped posting as I realised that I needed to step away from the forum and spend some time trying to come to terms with what happened to me during my marriage. I have popped in once in a while to see how folk are getting on. No, I haven't had a date yet. I wanted some company and so I did ask a woman I know through work if she would like to meet up outside office hours but it never went anywhere beyond a few cups of coffee. We get on well and I do like her but the whole 'me too' thing was kicking off, I realised that she had a lot of her own issues (divorced 16 years ago) that she had never dealt with and, seeing red flags, I realised that my time was better spent sorting myself out. I've made a lot of progress but perhaps that's a story for a new thread. Best wishes
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 17, 2018 16:50:40 GMT -5
Thanks
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 17, 2018 16:48:15 GMT -5
...and I hope you do
I think mine would be joyful (and funny but is that being greedy?)
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 17, 2018 16:42:41 GMT -5
Hi greatcoastal I was delighted to hear your news . In your present position, a quote from the 17th century memoir 'The History of Myddle' might be appropriate. Speaking of one 'Scroggan of the Goblin hole' the author commented "He that sitteth upon the floor can fall no further" All the very best for the future
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