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Post by dinnaken on Nov 2, 2017 1:32:16 GMT -5
I'm in the UK and I heard the news report yesterday. It was on the BBC, so it must be true.
I'm with all of the above comments. I'm newly separated, I now have to wait for two years and then file for an uncontested divorce on the grounds of 'irretrievable breakdown'.
However, for me all of the hard work and distress was getting to this point. I see the actual divorce as a formality.
My marriage is over - that's it. I am now getting on with the hard work of dealing with what happened to me during it. I would imagine that that is much more important to all of us.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 30, 2017 16:13:06 GMT -5
In my case I'm just thankful the frequency figures couldn't go negative! :-)
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Comfort
Oct 30, 2017 16:09:07 GMT -5
Post by dinnaken on Oct 30, 2017 16:09:07 GMT -5
"No matter how much I would want my wife to participate in a loving sex life, she can't. It's not in her. It never was and never will be."
I absolutely agree
Once again, my sincere condolences go out to you and your family.
Best wishes
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 30, 2017 12:35:23 GMT -5
Thanks WindSister Don't worry, the sadness won't last. Actually, I've had a pretty good day and since my separation I'm really happy. As to why it happened, that for all of us is a long story but the short version (as applied to me) was: Low self-belief - it happened to me because I felt I deserved no better Control - My wife undermined me so effectively in order to exert control that it took years for me to recover my senses but when I did it was 'game over' for the marriage Being a 'fixer' - I was going to be a grown up and try to sort the mess of the marriage out (cue hollow laughter) I thought my wife wanted to marry me - wrong - she wanted to be married - a different thing altogether. Funny but when I tell people "I wasn't a life partner, I was a lifestyle accessory" they do look a bit shocked but it's true. How are those for starters? Ring true anyone? ;-)
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 30, 2017 12:11:43 GMT -5
Yep, this is nothing to brag about but I was worse
Still, I do remember that we once had sex twice in one week...
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 30, 2017 11:20:10 GMT -5
This just makes me sad; whilst reading it I'm having one what I call 'a lucid interval' - one of those moments when you realise that we only come this way once and that, for the very best of reasons, I have just missed out on so much.
I made such poor choices and in my marriage the only thing that got fucked were my life chances.
Still - mustn't grumble...
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 29, 2017 11:19:16 GMT -5
Yes, people can disconnect themselves from their behaviour Behaviour - only she can manage her's Behaviour - only you can manage your's If you don't like this behaviour on her part behave in such a fashion that she stops by which I mean speak to her Good luck, it always sounds easier than it is in practice Thank you for the reminders about our personal responsibilities for behavior. I have spoken to her, even with the therapist we briefly saw. The cognitive disconnect was so great for her that she couldn't see, could not listen to and understand. That's why I was so amazed when she was the outsider, not the one in the middle of the relationship, and watching a movie. I would have never expected the same word to be used much less to have my wife then disapprove of having a man called that. Maybe there is a sign of hope. I'm pleased that you think there is hope In my case my wife understood controlling behaviour but when I challenged her about hers she just refused to see it - sadly, that was another step on the road to separation. All the very best
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 29, 2017 9:25:39 GMT -5
Yes, people can disconnect themselves from their behaviour
Behaviour - only she can manage her's
Behaviour - only you can manage your's
If you don't like this behaviour on her part behave in such a fashion that she stops by which I mean speak to her
Good luck, it always sounds easier than it is in practice
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 29, 2017 5:31:46 GMT -5
It's to be hoped
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 29, 2017 3:17:13 GMT -5
I've been thinking about the concept of finding The One. How many of us have ever found a person whom we think is our perfect partner? If so, was that really the case? I was deeply in love with my college boyfriend, and mourned our breakup for years. Looking back, I not only realize that he was a selfish lover who cared only about his getting off, he was a very narcissistic person. About 10 years after we broke up, I found old love letters he'd sent me. Every one of them contained just his bragging about how wonderful he was, how many women had flirted with him, etc. The letters were odes to himself Other boyfriends I had were: cheaters, a secret embezzler, a verbal abuser, a guy whom I felt no chemistry with, and a guy who was completely boring in and out of bed. The man I married was a decent match, but there were things about him that I found boring. My husband whom I was with for 36 years was overall a good match for me even with his low libido, but over the years, we became more different. I was more independent, open, gregarious and in touch with my sexuality. He became more interested in and attached to Asian culture to the point of deciding to retire in Asia. I don't think virtually anyone finds perfect partners whom they are happy with for decades. People change. Someone who is a good match at one point in one's life may not be a good match 10 years later. I think that one is lucky if one has found one good match in one's life and that match lasts a few years. I think that this whole idea of 'the one' is very suspect. For me, it seemed to start cropping up in popular culture about 20 years ago - in film and TV especially and it is damaging. It is great for the creators of a story arc that will work within a hour and a half movie but I think it creates false expectations in people. If statistically it is laughable - 9 billion people on the planet divided in two still leaves 4.5 billion (I apologise to bisexuals) and only one of those is truly a match for you...? Romantically it must be so damaging to so many. I agree - we all change over time; some couples (I suspect a very small minority) change together, a bigger chunk negotiate those changes with varying degrees of success and some don't manage those changes - divorcing/separating or continuing to live together in misery.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 27, 2017 0:57:56 GMT -5
As to comments about size, elkclan2 I echo the comments of GeekGoddess and bballgirl - the guy likes you and your body That is fabulous, lucky you and lucky him. I hope that you build a happy life together.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 26, 2017 15:48:11 GMT -5
Yes Caris I get this I'm alone (and I have grave doubts that I'll ever be in another long term relationship) But I'm happy Because I'm out of it. It's over - that waking nightmare has ended; whatever life I have left, it's mine to live.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 26, 2017 15:35:04 GMT -5
Thanks for bringing this up elkclan2 I've noticed this behaviour from a minority of people around me - both friends and colleagues - since my wife and I separated. I generally have the attitude that they are just irritating pricks but I've been pondering this kind of behaviour and wondering whether it's worth tackling or not. I have a female line manager who's approach is reminiscent of your mother's - gaslighting, little digs etc. She is overtly supportive but makes little covert disparaging remarks - subtly undermining but deniable comments. Like you, I find it difficult to set boundaries against this kind of behaviour. Of course, the people on this forum are perhaps better than most at appreciating that marriages have two faces - the private and the public - and understanding that the happy public face can be masking a lot of dysfunction. I've been mulling this point over and I think that there are some (this woman is an example) who are threatened by my/our status. We were in miserable marriages (well I was) and we got out; like you I am very happy - the happiest I've been in 25 years. I think that some people feel threatened by that.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 26, 2017 1:09:49 GMT -5
Thank you WindSister I thought that this was interesting. Over the years I've moved to becoming a much more positive person and the stories I tell of myself are also positive; even my marriage story has an upbeat ending - I left!
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 24, 2017 1:16:01 GMT -5
I agree, I am a 'fixer' it's a trait I have to wrestle with but at least I'm now aware of it.
I need to develop stronger and more secure boundaries; I have a habit of 'soaking up' crap from people and trying to still make things work, rather than just telling them where to get off.
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