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Post by dinnaken on Apr 17, 2018 16:35:12 GMT -5
Your list of wants is so basic, so fundamental to a person's well-being, so touching.
I'm almost one year out from a 27 years long loveless, joyless marriage and sorry but I've no answers but I can empathise; for what it's worth you are not alone.
Very best wishes
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Post by dinnaken on Jan 12, 2018 15:05:29 GMT -5
It seems pretty sensible stuff. I've decided to avoid all romantic entanglements for a length of time after separation. I've no idea what that time might be but does include forever.
After six months out my head is beginning to come back together.
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Post by dinnaken on Dec 29, 2017 18:51:21 GMT -5
Sorry to hear your sad news, my thoughts are with you.
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Post by dinnaken on Dec 25, 2017 15:27:21 GMT -5
I'm a lot happier. This time last year I was desperately struggling to find the words and the way to end my marriage.
Thankfully on January 10th 2017 I found them.
All the very best to all of you for 2018
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Post by dinnaken on Dec 6, 2017 2:22:07 GMT -5
Hi greatcoastal Thanks for starting this thread. I can't help much other, than to say I can empathise with what you are saying. Your'e not the only one. After my separation, I've started going out to a local pub and even though it's a familiar environment it feels alien. Perhaps it's that insecure teenager in me, reasserting himself! It did have an "alien " feel to it. Yet so will the "single at age 54, father of 6!" package that I present. I think having the "I am here to observe" attitude helped. There's a lot of things I will be "observing" in in the year 2018! How much I participate, and how well I participate remains to be seen. I want to go at it with a confident attitude. The "observing" stance allowed me to come home remaining confident. I agree with what you say, personally, I pushed myself too far, too soon after my separation and now I'm taking things more slowly. I've realised that I have to deal with a lot of things which are 'coming out of the woodwork'. All the very best for 2018
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Post by dinnaken on Dec 5, 2017 1:54:44 GMT -5
Hi greatcoastal Thanks for starting this thread. I can't help much other, than to say I can empathise with what you are saying. Your'e not the only one. After my separation, I've started going out to a local pub and even though it's a familiar environment it feels alien. Perhaps it's that insecure teenager in me, reasserting himself!
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Post by dinnaken on Dec 2, 2017 4:17:45 GMT -5
I was in your age bracket (31-35) and still newly married when I realised that things were never going to be as I would wish in my, theoretically - as it turned out, life long relationship.
But I could hack it, I was going to be a grown up and fix things - or at least make them better. And, hey, you never miss what you've never had; I can get through this - right?
Wrong
The corrosion of your soul and spirit is slow at first, you make concessions and try to get through but it gets harder. The darkness encroaches closer and closer. Eventually, you find yourself in a hellish place. All you can do is focus on your misery and coping with that it absorbs all of your energies and you retreat from life - just trying to keep that little last core of you intact.
I'm in a different age bracket now. I left my wife nearly six months ago. I am happy content with my new life. Nevertheless, right now, I feel that it will take a substantial chunk of the life remaining to me just to repair the damage. Personally, I just wish that I'd listened to that little voice inside my head all those years ago and left three decades ago not six months ago.
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Post by dinnaken on Nov 30, 2017 14:54:56 GMT -5
Hi choosinghappyI'm sorry to hear of the death of your friend. Some background to what I say. I am separated. I do not miss my wife. Whatever love there was in our marriage ended very early on. Six months into our marriage my wife did receive a cancer diagnosis. I did what I could to look after her but that was nothing next to the surgical team and nursing staff who were outstanding. I dutifully cared for her. She is a human being, she has a life which was threatened, what else could I do? I had considered the point you raise, as a kind of thought experiment, and - no - I would not wish her to nurse me or be with me as I died. Neither would I wish her to conduct the burial service (which she is qualified to do). I have no anger or malice towards her. That part of my life is over, that is all. If she were dying and requested my presence, of course I would visit her. I would not wish her with me as I died. If I read your original post correctly you seem to be asking us which was more important to us - staying with someone (potentially) for decades because one day they will die or leave them to seek out a happy sexual/intimate relationship. We will all of us one day die; some of us (like me) sooner than others. We come this way once.
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Post by dinnaken on Nov 28, 2017 1:49:43 GMT -5
CarisTrue but you can have attention without affection
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Post by dinnaken on Nov 27, 2017 5:06:04 GMT -5
I respectfully differ.
Perhaps because of my work, which involves me performing in public; perhaps because I am self-contained.
I don't crave attention.
What I crave is affection
What I crave is knowing that I matter to someone
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T-Minus
Nov 13, 2017 16:32:06 GMT -5
Post by dinnaken on Nov 13, 2017 16:32:06 GMT -5
I have signed up for counselling; I can have a limited number of free sessions on the NHS (I'm in the UK). When I went for an appraisal he did ask me what kind of dreams I had. At the end his comment was along the lines of "You've got a lot of S**T bottled-up", the sessions should start fairly soon.
I will try what you suggest. I have been keeping a diary/journal since the beginning of the year but it's fallen off in the last month; I think I'd better start it again.
In the early days after my separation I would wake up utterly exhausted and be like a zombie at work; those really bad days are fewer now so I suppose it must be getting better but the dreams just aren't funny
Thanks
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Post by dinnaken on Nov 13, 2017 15:54:55 GMT -5
Thanks for this shamwow It's not just you. I was thinking about raising a thread on this topic. In my SM I slept really badly (1-5 hours a night); most nights I would be up a 2-3 a.m. watching crap on the TV trying to blot it all out and stop ruminating until I became exhausted enough to get back to sleep. As soon as my wife and I split, within two days I started sleeping 6-7 hours a night BUT THE NIGHTMARES! Every night, bad dreams at best and waking up exhausted even after 6-7 hours asleep. What is it about? Like you, I assume that its the collected anxiety leaving the system but 7 months on and it shows no sign of giving up. Like you I practice meditation before bed - I want these dreams out of my head - I want to get better. I am so happy to be out of my marriage but my ex is still haunting me!! Is this a common experience, I just don't know.
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Post by dinnaken on Nov 3, 2017 14:26:45 GMT -5
I agree with shamwow you're doing the right thing staying out of the muck.
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Post by dinnaken on Nov 3, 2017 1:23:31 GMT -5
It's a sad but too familiar story.
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Post by dinnaken on Nov 2, 2017 14:30:39 GMT -5
Hi CarisI'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with anxiety. It's a problem I have to deal with myself. I do not know you or you circumstances and so I can never understand what you are going through but I can empathise. Vent away, it's what we are here for, any time just let rip I feel for you and you are in my thoughts. I know that to some it might seem odd that you miss your ex but I can appreciate what you are saying. At times of crisis, someone who understands is vital, no matter what your feelings for them. All the best
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