Dear Prudence letter about sm
Nov 2, 2017 10:14:54 GMT -5
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 2, 2017 10:14:54 GMT -5
Dear Prudence,
My wife and I (we’re both women) have been together for 10 years, married just over three. She is the most amazing person I have ever known. I adore her, and I know she loves me based on her actions every day. She is kind, caring, funny, and we cook, take care of our pets, and keep our home as equal partners.
The trouble is, I don’t think she’s in love with me anymore, at least not the way I am with her. We are rarely intimate—maybe six times a year. We aren’t even that physically affectionate anymore, and it’s not for a lack of trying on my part. I’m only 46, and she’s only 35; we’re both healthy and active. I have done everything I can to rekindle some basic affection. I have flirted, taken her out on dates, left her sweet notes, sent sexy texts, suggested we watch porn together, bought toys, engaged in her hobbies and interests, discussed it, not discussed it, suggested sex therapy, suggested a medical checkup (I think she may be depressed, but she does not, and her last physical didn’t raise any flags for the doctor), been understanding, been hurt and angry, cried, ignored it, changed my hairstyle, lost weight, changed my wardrobe, you name it. I have spoken to her about it on multiple occasions, and she always listens, seems concerned (even tearing up), nods in all the right places, agrees, and says we need to work on it, and then, nothing changes.
When we are intimate, it is amazing, almost like the first time, but it’s so rare. When we discuss it, I am calm, rational, and choose my words carefully, always reassuring her that I am fully committed and not looking to go outside our relationship, unless of course that is something she is interested in. She usually responds with nothing, staring at me with wide eyes, nearly crying, saying she doesn’t know what to say and that she’s caught off guard by the conversation.
Last night I admitted that I am sad and lonely and tired of nothing changing, tired of trying so hard with no results, and tired of trying to get a hug or kiss out of my wife. We had the same conversation (that is to say, I gave the same monologue), with the same lack of results. I outright asked if she’s happy and she said in general no (she feels stuck in a dead-end job and stressed about the state of the world), but at home yes. She doesn’t think she’s asexual (and the first few years of our relationship seem to bear that out) or that there’s a medical reason for this, and she isn’t “looking around” and “doesn’t want to go anywhere,” but she has no other explanation. She insists she loves me and does really enjoy sex but just doesn’t know what’s wrong. As I told her last night, I am reaching a breaking point. Ninety-nine percent of our relationship is perfect, and I feel like I have the greatest wife on the planet, except for this. I’m at a loss and dreading the next few decades of sexlessness.
—Lonely in Love
Good God, 99 percent of your marriage is not perfect. There are only so many hours in a day, and if you’re doing even half the things in that laundry list you’ve included in your letter, this is a problem that is affecting the majority of your marriage—not least the fact that you can’t even get your wife to hold your hand or pat you affectionately on the shoulder, much less have sex with you. The fact that she claims to be “caught off guard” by a conversation you’ve had over and over again suggests that she’s being less than fully honest with you. At the very least, your wife’s definition of what being “happy at home” looks like is wildly different from yours. You sound miserable and exhausted and like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders, and if your wife thinks that’s what “happy at home” means, then I shudder at the prospect of being married to her.
By your own admission, you’ve tried everything to change the state of your marriage, but your wife isn’t even willing to admit that the two of you have a problem worth addressing. I wish I could tell you there was something else you could try, or that there was a way to convince your wife to be honest with you, but there isn’t. If you’re dreading the idea of spending the next few decades in not merely a sexless but a touch-starved marriage, then I think you will have to seriously contemplate leaving this one.
It may be that if you make it clear how seriously this state of affairs is negatively affecting your well-being and that you cannot stay in a marriage without honesty and mutual vulnerability, your wife will get the picture and open up, but if she’s seen you weeping and begging for a morsel of affection multiple times and only managed to come up with, “I’m really taken aback by this conversation! I don’t think anything’s wrong,” I don’t have a lot of hope that she’s going to change.
i I know that’s likely not the answer you were hoping for, and I can see the ways in which you’re trying to minimize your own pain by saying that 99 percent of your marriage is good and that you love the woman you married, but this letter did not describe a 99 percent good marriage. Your letter broke my heart. You deserve so much more than what your wife is giving you, and I hope you can find it someday.
My wife and I (we’re both women) have been together for 10 years, married just over three. She is the most amazing person I have ever known. I adore her, and I know she loves me based on her actions every day. She is kind, caring, funny, and we cook, take care of our pets, and keep our home as equal partners.
The trouble is, I don’t think she’s in love with me anymore, at least not the way I am with her. We are rarely intimate—maybe six times a year. We aren’t even that physically affectionate anymore, and it’s not for a lack of trying on my part. I’m only 46, and she’s only 35; we’re both healthy and active. I have done everything I can to rekindle some basic affection. I have flirted, taken her out on dates, left her sweet notes, sent sexy texts, suggested we watch porn together, bought toys, engaged in her hobbies and interests, discussed it, not discussed it, suggested sex therapy, suggested a medical checkup (I think she may be depressed, but she does not, and her last physical didn’t raise any flags for the doctor), been understanding, been hurt and angry, cried, ignored it, changed my hairstyle, lost weight, changed my wardrobe, you name it. I have spoken to her about it on multiple occasions, and she always listens, seems concerned (even tearing up), nods in all the right places, agrees, and says we need to work on it, and then, nothing changes.
When we are intimate, it is amazing, almost like the first time, but it’s so rare. When we discuss it, I am calm, rational, and choose my words carefully, always reassuring her that I am fully committed and not looking to go outside our relationship, unless of course that is something she is interested in. She usually responds with nothing, staring at me with wide eyes, nearly crying, saying she doesn’t know what to say and that she’s caught off guard by the conversation.
Last night I admitted that I am sad and lonely and tired of nothing changing, tired of trying so hard with no results, and tired of trying to get a hug or kiss out of my wife. We had the same conversation (that is to say, I gave the same monologue), with the same lack of results. I outright asked if she’s happy and she said in general no (she feels stuck in a dead-end job and stressed about the state of the world), but at home yes. She doesn’t think she’s asexual (and the first few years of our relationship seem to bear that out) or that there’s a medical reason for this, and she isn’t “looking around” and “doesn’t want to go anywhere,” but she has no other explanation. She insists she loves me and does really enjoy sex but just doesn’t know what’s wrong. As I told her last night, I am reaching a breaking point. Ninety-nine percent of our relationship is perfect, and I feel like I have the greatest wife on the planet, except for this. I’m at a loss and dreading the next few decades of sexlessness.
—Lonely in Love
Good God, 99 percent of your marriage is not perfect. There are only so many hours in a day, and if you’re doing even half the things in that laundry list you’ve included in your letter, this is a problem that is affecting the majority of your marriage—not least the fact that you can’t even get your wife to hold your hand or pat you affectionately on the shoulder, much less have sex with you. The fact that she claims to be “caught off guard” by a conversation you’ve had over and over again suggests that she’s being less than fully honest with you. At the very least, your wife’s definition of what being “happy at home” looks like is wildly different from yours. You sound miserable and exhausted and like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders, and if your wife thinks that’s what “happy at home” means, then I shudder at the prospect of being married to her.
By your own admission, you’ve tried everything to change the state of your marriage, but your wife isn’t even willing to admit that the two of you have a problem worth addressing. I wish I could tell you there was something else you could try, or that there was a way to convince your wife to be honest with you, but there isn’t. If you’re dreading the idea of spending the next few decades in not merely a sexless but a touch-starved marriage, then I think you will have to seriously contemplate leaving this one.
It may be that if you make it clear how seriously this state of affairs is negatively affecting your well-being and that you cannot stay in a marriage without honesty and mutual vulnerability, your wife will get the picture and open up, but if she’s seen you weeping and begging for a morsel of affection multiple times and only managed to come up with, “I’m really taken aback by this conversation! I don’t think anything’s wrong,” I don’t have a lot of hope that she’s going to change.
i I know that’s likely not the answer you were hoping for, and I can see the ways in which you’re trying to minimize your own pain by saying that 99 percent of your marriage is good and that you love the woman you married, but this letter did not describe a 99 percent good marriage. Your letter broke my heart. You deserve so much more than what your wife is giving you, and I hope you can find it someday.