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Post by johnwyo1 on Oct 29, 2017 6:04:31 GMT -5
Last night my wife and I were watching a movie together, Bad Moms. I don't really recommend it but there was a moment where one character in the movie called her husband a sherpa. My wife groaned and said that was mean of the wife.
Here's the rub. For years she has, and still calls me, her sherpa. I've had to get her things together for trips and vacations. She has used calling me that as a joke over and over. I really never liked it because she does treat me like a sherpa, an employee of lower caste, many times.
How does a spouse see the meanness in the movie, or another situation, and not grasp it in her own life? What kind of cognitive disconnect is going on?
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Post by M2G on Oct 29, 2017 6:11:01 GMT -5
Last night my wife and I were watching a movie together, Bad Moms. I don't really recommend it but there was a moment where one character in the movie called her husband a sherpa. My wife groaned and said that was mean of the wife. Here's the rub. For years she has, and still calls me, her sherpa. I've had to get her things together for trips and vacations. She has used calling me that as a joke over and over. I really never liked it because she does treat me like a sherpa, an employee of lower caste, many times. How does a spouse see the meanness in the movie, or another situation, and not grasp it in her own life? What kind of cognitive disconnect is going on? I hate to say this but (especially due to the fact that you joined this board): do you she's using you for everything but sex?
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 29, 2017 7:19:05 GMT -5
“Here's the rub. For years she has, and still calls me, her sherpa. I've had to get her things together for trips and vacations. She has used calling me that as a joke over and over. I really never liked it because she does treat me like a sherpa, an employee of lower caste, many times. “
Here’s the truth: no one takes advantage of you without your consent. You don’t have to be her Sherpa. You don’t even need to travel with her. Instead of letting her comment go by yesterday, you could have told her she calls you her Sherpa and you no longer will be acting like one.
You have choices beyond letting her fuck you over.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 29, 2017 9:25:39 GMT -5
Yes, people can disconnect themselves from their behaviour
Behaviour - only she can manage her's
Behaviour - only you can manage your's
If you don't like this behaviour on her part behave in such a fashion that she stops by which I mean speak to her
Good luck, it always sounds easier than it is in practice
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Post by johnwyo1 on Oct 29, 2017 10:59:38 GMT -5
Yes, people can disconnect themselves from their behaviour Behaviour - only she can manage her's Behaviour - only you can manage your's If you don't like this behaviour on her part behave in such a fashion that she stops by which I mean speak to her Good luck, it always sounds easier than it is in practice Thank you for the reminders about our personal responsibilities for behavior. I have spoken to her, even with the therapist we briefly saw. The cognitive disconnect was so great for her that she couldn't see, could not listen to and understand. That's why I was so amazed when she was the outsider, not the one in the middle of the relationship, and watching a movie. I would have never expected the same word to be used much less to have my wife then disapprove of having a man called that. Maybe there is a sign of hope.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Oct 29, 2017 11:04:27 GMT -5
Last night my wife and I were watching a movie together, Bad Moms. I don't really recommend it but there was a moment where one character in the movie called her husband a sherpa. My wife groaned and said that was mean of the wife. Here's the rub. For years she has, and still calls me, her sherpa. I've had to get her things together for trips and vacations. She has used calling me that as a joke over and over. I really never liked it because she does treat me like a sherpa, an employee of lower caste, many times. How does a spouse see the meanness in the movie, or another situation, and not grasp it in her own life? What kind of cognitive disconnect is going on? I hate to say this but (especially due to the fact that you joined this board): do you she's using you for everything but sex? Yes, she uses me for a lot of things. Even a business loan. And yes, we very rarely have sex. When we do, I'm still the sherpa carrying her load. LOL
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 29, 2017 11:19:16 GMT -5
Yes, people can disconnect themselves from their behaviour Behaviour - only she can manage her's Behaviour - only you can manage your's If you don't like this behaviour on her part behave in such a fashion that she stops by which I mean speak to her Good luck, it always sounds easier than it is in practice Thank you for the reminders about our personal responsibilities for behavior. I have spoken to her, even with the therapist we briefly saw. The cognitive disconnect was so great for her that she couldn't see, could not listen to and understand. That's why I was so amazed when she was the outsider, not the one in the middle of the relationship, and watching a movie. I would have never expected the same word to be used much less to have my wife then disapprove of having a man called that. Maybe there is a sign of hope. I'm pleased that you think there is hope In my case my wife understood controlling behaviour but when I challenged her about hers she just refused to see it - sadly, that was another step on the road to separation. All the very best
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Post by baza on Oct 29, 2017 22:02:56 GMT -5
Cognitive Dissonance is a reasonably common thing. It describes our ability to hold completely separate but conflicting views on a subject.
You see it in this group all the time. The member posts something, describing what a shithole their marriage is. Then later on in the story say that everything in the marriage is great (bar the sex).
Two completely conflicting views, yet both (at different times when running different agendas) are held to be true.
This cognitive dissonance is not confined to refuser spouses (though it is far more common in them) We all do it to some extent.
I would suggest that in the bigger scheme of things as regards your marriage, this *sherpa* matter is pretty much a non event.
You often see on here people saying "believe the actions not the words" or similar. It's a pretty sound basis to operate from.
If your missus behaves towards you, and treats you, like a *sherpa*, then that's how they truly perceive you, irrespective of what they may say.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 29, 2017 22:26:47 GMT -5
This particular cognitive dissonance seems, in fact, consistent with a refuser’s duality though, Baz - the chorus that goes: I do love you, I just don’t care how much a lack of sex is killing your soul. You’re right, too, that we all do it. But I think the refusing partner who won’t join in honest conversations about what is really going on does this even more than those of us still in denial as we come to terms with the thought that the marriage can’t be great bar the sex (because so much of what marriage is is the very implicit understood terms of monogamy).
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 30, 2017 7:36:19 GMT -5
Yeah I was watching the same movie, the therapy scene was that wait what, so you get BJ's for cleaning cooking taking kids to school and generally going out of your way to be a genuine husband, so wtf happened here. I watched her laugh and went about my life, like she's obviously oblivious. It's tuff man that whole therapy scene sums it up for me, except I'm Mila Kunis, and my wife is the one who mopes around the house all day and non stop complains about the dumbest shit.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Oct 30, 2017 8:32:06 GMT -5
Yeah I was watching the same movie, the therapy scene was that wait what, so you get BJ's for cleaning cooking taking kids to school and generally going out of your way to be a genuine husband, so wtf happened here. I watched her laugh and went about my life, like she's obviously oblivious. It's tuff man that whole therapy scene sums it up for me, except I'm Mila Kunis, and my wife is the one who mopes around the house all day and non stop complains about the dumbest shit. I'm the Mila Kunis character too. And by the way, the husband was an awful, selfish, immature person in that movie.
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Post by elynne on Mar 8, 2018 7:10:18 GMT -5
I see the same lack of self awareness when I describe narcissistic behavior to my mom. She’s either NPD or Borderline and my Dad is her enabler. I’m too close to make an accurate diagnosis.
But her response, “Hmm. I guess I just don’t know any narcissistis.”
Hah!!!
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