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Post by solodriver on Mar 3, 2018 12:38:56 GMT -5
I've brought it up many times, but it almost always becomes an arguement & my fault that he does not want to have sex with me. He insists he's not cheating & that he still finds me very attractive, he just doesn't have any drive. Or, there's the fall-back that he's afraid he will have another heart attack & die, even though his heart dr said he is good to go in the sex dept. The excuses for not wanting or desiring sex are endless. Counseling starts in a few weeks, thank God. Even if it doesn't help the sm, I know it will help me! Omg, sex is the best and funniest exercise you can have.
If it were me and my companion still wanted and enjoyed sex, I would definitely still be doing it and enjoying that time together, and if, I were to have an attack and die while so doing, what a wonderful way to go, making love to someone you love and dying in their arms.
Sorry don't mean to sound morbid.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 3, 2018 12:27:20 GMT -5
"I'm not the type to nag and honestly now it boils down to - I don't want sex with someone that doesn't want sex with me."
AMEN bballgirl!
That's exactly where I am today. If someone doesn't love and care enough for me to willingly share being intimate with me, I'm sure as hell not begging for it.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 3, 2018 12:21:37 GMT -5
Bear in mind I am out of my deal, so I am commenting from my position as it once was - not as it presently is. Back in the day of my ILIASM deal, just like you Sister choosinghappy , I too didn't "want to upset the peace we had in our household". Short term that was easily handled by the simple expedient of going along with everything she wanted and eschewing everything she didn't want. That worked great for keeping the peace, and it worked great for my missus - for a while. It didn't work for me at all - after a while. "Peace at all costs" is not peace at all. It is just delaying the day of reckoning. Did we discuss it ? Yeah. But only a few times. Those few times turned in to arguements and finger pointing etc and achieved nothing. Nor did counselling etc. I usually don't need to be told something more than once or twice, so from then on, the matter was rarely discussed. Why bother ? Her actions said everything that needed to be said. Words were superfluous. I just regarded her as pretty irrelevant as a spouse and didn't engage at that "married couple" level any further. Funnily enough, that put us on the same page as far as the marriage went, although she still wanted to put on an act for the wider community. She was a good Financial Partner though, and that was the basis of how we stumbled onward toward 30 years. Some people might regard a marriage that survived for 30 years a big success ! I personally am not necessarily of that opinion. Anyway, toward the end, she started to engage in behaviours that threatened the Financial Partnership, the only decent thing remaining. That torpedoed the deal. We split. My wife and I just passed the 30 year mark and I'm exactly in the same boat as you were. She is a great Financial Partner but not a Marriage Partner. Though I'm very unhappy and no sex for 18 years now, my financial position would be a disaster and deadly if I were to divorce right now.
So I hang in there, day by day. Very sad and not much of a way to enjoy life, but at least I have a roof over my head, a car to drive to get to work so I can pay off my bills and food on my table.
My goal at this point is to try to eliminate enough debt that it will be financially possible to change my life. But I stare at the possibility that each day that goes by is one less day that I will ever be able to see life in a better way and enjoy the companionship of a woman and intimacy ever again.
I say this as a warning to younger folks currently in SM. This is what your life will be like if you don't address it and change it for you now while you're still young enough and don't have as much time invested in your marriage as I have.
Thanks baza and I'm glad you were able to escape and find someone who you can share what I dream of.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 24, 2018 3:56:10 GMT -5
"If you say nothing, odds are you will never have sex with your wife again."
That's exactly what has happened to me. At this point I live with it, because the other option is to divorce, which may very well happen also. The only reason I'm still here is financial only.
But my realty is I will never have sex with my wife again. That is a very sad thing to live with.
I remember the first time we had sex in 1989, and the very last time in 2001. Of course I remember a lot of wonderful times in between those years. But I have to not think of them too much because it's too painful to think I will never be intimate with her again.
If you don't address it, you will be like me and I'm 58 right now.
I'm 57. 0 sex in 8 years. Is this it? this is not what I signed on for solodriver. So many miserable merriages that need to end, including mine. Either that, or we all need to have affairs I hope all of us experience love and intimacy again before we die. what good is money if you're not in sync with your partner? It's kinda funny that you say that saarinista. When my wife and I first met we were so hot with each other and used to joke about how we would be having sex into our 60s, 70s and 80s. Guess the joke was on me. I guess it can still happen, just not with her.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 21, 2018 4:02:26 GMT -5
Apparently they were going to make a fourth and final movie but decided against it because ‘Fiftey shades of now we’re married Im just going to say no” didn’t make it passed the script writing process. I almost spit food on my computer!! That was a great and funny thought. I loved it!!
I can see the scene now:
A few months after the wedding, one spouse says "Honey I want to try SM" The other spouse gets super excited and says " I would love to do SM with you"
And they haven't had sex since.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 19, 2018 16:00:36 GMT -5
My wife never had interest no matter if I was in my best shape or my worst. Money? Flowers? Nice dinners? Vacations? New vehicles? All flops. Heck, until this year, every time I purchased a new vehicle for her I would ask to have sex in it. No vehicle was ever properly christened. Not by her, anyway, and not until this year. My wife and I have never had sex in the house that we bought 15 years ago.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 19, 2018 1:55:02 GMT -5
"If you say nothing, odds are you will never have sex with your wife again."
That's exactly what has happened to me. At this point I live with it, because the other option is to divorce, which may very well happen also. The only reason I'm still here is financial only.
But my realty is I will never have sex with my wife again. That is a very sad thing to live with.
I remember the first time we had sex in 1989, and the very last time in 2001. Of course I remember a lot of wonderful times in between those years. But I have to not think of them too much because it's too painful to think I will never be intimate with her again.
If you don't address it, you will be like me and I'm 58 right now.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 17, 2018 2:02:03 GMT -5
There was a holiday?
No kisses, no affection, no cards exchanged, no touches, no "I Love You's", no candy, no flowers, no special dinner....
Just another day in SM land
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Post by solodriver on Feb 13, 2018 22:02:33 GMT -5
Rhapsodee,
I'm so glad you're going to be ok. I'm so sorry that you had to endure that but you were so smart to find out what it was before it got any worse and could have been worse.
I hope you will have a very speedy recovery. You have been missed by me and others on here.
Thanks for sharing what happened with us. We all care about you. You're a part of our family!
This could be the start of a new life experience for you. Keep in touch and share when you can.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
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Post by solodriver on Jan 30, 2018 22:03:36 GMT -5
The article doesn’t and can’t apply to us, the ones in the ILIASM wasteland. Our lives get pulled in different ways. It may be weeks before we can make arrangements to be with the person that is our solace. Sometimes we have to understand and wait. Sometimes those 👍🏼’s mean the world to us. It lets us know that we are noticed, that someone looked at what we posted or wrote. It’s validation. Pathetic, but it’s still something. I feel exactly the same way. I enjoy it when someone acknowledges what I post here and shares their thoughts on them. It makes my day when someone acknowledges my thoughts and feelings here. It means at least someone understands me.
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Post by solodriver on Jan 22, 2018 2:31:03 GMT -5
I used to. Not anymore. I am over it. I no longer initiate any type of physical contact with him. I however do not typically say no to him either. He will on occasion initiate sex but it is not enjoyable. He has no desire to please anyone but himself. He is usually only about 60% erect and only last about a minute. I am used for his needs and nothing else. We are not intimate. No snuggling, kissing or any other kind of foreplay. That's exactly what my life has been for the past 5 years. We don't exchange cards on holidays anymore, no longer hug or kiss or say "I love you" when we leave the house or when we finish phone calls.
At least it's honest. Still very painful. sad and depressing.
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Post by solodriver on Jan 22, 2018 2:17:29 GMT -5
I think it's important to give ourselves some compassion. How many of us knew going into marriage that the partner would refuse and then act insulted when we asked to have sex or to outsource? None of us. We ALL knew we were signing up for monogamy and what we got instead was celibacy. In that way, we were tricked. To be fair, I don't think my H intentionally did that. But after the sexlessness was pointed out and he refused to do anything about it, then he became culpable and....mean, evil, and selfish. But let's be compassionate with ourselves. When I got married, there was nobody to talk to. My sexlessness was a secret buried in shame and fog and confusion. I spent so many years trying to fix myself and find the secret to his desire. I get it now. But I want to give myself compassion, because HELL KNOWS, I'm not getting it from my husband and children and church community. That's why this place is so wonderful and for me (and maybe others) a life saver. There is compassion in this group. You're right in that most church groups don't have compassion or even understanding of sexless marriages.
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Post by solodriver on Jan 21, 2018 19:43:49 GMT -5
Welcome Shari
As you can see we're a large, caring and wonderful group. Feel free to share anything that you'd like. We have a number of different areas and nothing is off limits. I enjoy learning about everyone here and enjoy everyone's friendship here. This forum is my life support in my SM. It has helped me cope with it and the folks here have helped me learn that the SM is not my fault, but it's up to me how I deal with it.
Welcome fellow SM traveler
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Post by solodriver on Jan 20, 2018 23:39:52 GMT -5
That is what I hear 95% of the time followed by "Are you going to be angry if we have it tomorrow?" She is really tired if she does not get 9 hours of sleep. There is about 50% chance of it happening tomorrow. I just don't like asking for it. She also only gets enthusiastic a few minutes into the process and it seems like she enjoys sex a lot just does not like to initiate it. Ya. He would follow up I'm tired with in the morning, or I will make it up to you. He'd never follow threw though. My problem was I was so horny I couldn't sleep and was waiting for the morning, then I was told she was too sleepy and I had to deal with it myself.
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Post by solodriver on Jan 20, 2018 18:41:48 GMT -5
some excuse followed by "Are you going to be angry if we do it tomorrow?" Only tomorrow never comes.
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