Post by 2old2startover on Feb 11, 2018 19:30:54 GMT -5
Hi. I’m not really sure how to start this out, but here I am, so here goes. This might seem a little long, so I apologize, but I'm new at this.
I’ve been living with this for a long time, a smidge over eight years, but from my perusal for the other letters my story is nothing unusual. I met my current wife back in 2000. I had been through previous marriages, but this one was different from the start. We have been crazy in love with each other from the start, and even though we met a little later in life, this meant nothing for the kind of bond we have forged together.
We married in 2001 and the beginning years were great. We decided that as much as we both would liked to have had a child between us, it was just a little too late to start a new family (we both had kids in their late teens). Nevertheless, we enjoyed the practice, and there was no shortage of that.
In early 2006, I had a nearly fatal brain tumor. I recovered fully (as if I never had it), but the road back (through chemo) took a lot out of me at times. Despite that, what I remember of our sex life was still reasonable.
The in January of 2010, she just stopped wanting sex. I suppoose I didn’t notice at first. It was a busy time for us and so the break seemed not out of line… but the break continued. I suppose I should have talked about it to her then, but she is from a different culture and not a subject easily broached, so with the silence between us, the period of no sex continued.
As time marched on I began feeling more and more frustrated. When we reached about four years, I was trying to analyze what our malfunction was, but coming up empty handed. I mentioned the fact that we were in a no-sex mode, but received little response. She gave me the impression she was fully aware of it, but made little move to adjust her own effort. Her libido seemed to drop to nothing. While we were both working, there would be the requisite kiss goodbye and hello, but little else. There was no intimacy beside the kiss.
Now that it’s been over eight years, I’m really at a loss. As a result of our total lack of imtimacy, I’ve developed some functional performance issues as a result, or at least doubt about my ability to perform should the opportunity arise, but there has been no trigger to see if this is so. I’ve talked to her about us between the sheets, and although she sounds like she agrees, she makes zero effort at any sort of intimacy. I try to be ready, but nothing ever comes. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve tried to initiate something a few times, but the lack of mutual fire ends up building frustration and I dare say resentment.
Like Woody Allen once said: “Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”, but this is just a poor substitute for the real thing. I didn’t realize how important something like this is until it’s not there.
I retired a little over a year ago, and this only seems to have amplified the problem. Since we see each other almost all the time, even the occasional kissing has stopped. This has only magnified our disconnect and so here I am. We are a great couple in every other respect. We never fight and agree on just about every other issue in our life, and from the outside we seem like the perfect couple. It is only when talking about any facet of intimacy (on the extremely rare occasions when I bring up the subject) does our marriage fail, but I could also never imagine a life without her. She acts as though it’s something she doesn’t feel much need for, and that hurts. She never initiates any closeness, and it’s always me who tries to get something going, but the almost emotionless response leaves me feeling, well... empty, and so I try less and less.
Personally, I’m very fit, in fact probably more fit than someone 15 years younger than I. I work out on most days, and a couple days a week I also help teach a self defense at the same facility. But I deeply feel the loss of intimacy has tainted my need for personal contact. I have found a small respite in a local reflexology business who offers non-erotic full body massage and this has helped. Just the feeling of this kind of personal contact gives me contentment, even if for just a while, but that other basic need still goes without fulfilment. I never considered myself a romantic or huggy kind of person, but I’ve discovered that there is something in me that is.
And so I sit in front of my laptop sharing things to you I have not expressed to anyone, and I’m not sure I’ve done a great job at having done it. I’m just not sure what is left for me to do.
I’ve been living with this for a long time, a smidge over eight years, but from my perusal for the other letters my story is nothing unusual. I met my current wife back in 2000. I had been through previous marriages, but this one was different from the start. We have been crazy in love with each other from the start, and even though we met a little later in life, this meant nothing for the kind of bond we have forged together.
We married in 2001 and the beginning years were great. We decided that as much as we both would liked to have had a child between us, it was just a little too late to start a new family (we both had kids in their late teens). Nevertheless, we enjoyed the practice, and there was no shortage of that.
In early 2006, I had a nearly fatal brain tumor. I recovered fully (as if I never had it), but the road back (through chemo) took a lot out of me at times. Despite that, what I remember of our sex life was still reasonable.
The in January of 2010, she just stopped wanting sex. I suppoose I didn’t notice at first. It was a busy time for us and so the break seemed not out of line… but the break continued. I suppose I should have talked about it to her then, but she is from a different culture and not a subject easily broached, so with the silence between us, the period of no sex continued.
As time marched on I began feeling more and more frustrated. When we reached about four years, I was trying to analyze what our malfunction was, but coming up empty handed. I mentioned the fact that we were in a no-sex mode, but received little response. She gave me the impression she was fully aware of it, but made little move to adjust her own effort. Her libido seemed to drop to nothing. While we were both working, there would be the requisite kiss goodbye and hello, but little else. There was no intimacy beside the kiss.
Now that it’s been over eight years, I’m really at a loss. As a result of our total lack of imtimacy, I’ve developed some functional performance issues as a result, or at least doubt about my ability to perform should the opportunity arise, but there has been no trigger to see if this is so. I’ve talked to her about us between the sheets, and although she sounds like she agrees, she makes zero effort at any sort of intimacy. I try to be ready, but nothing ever comes. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve tried to initiate something a few times, but the lack of mutual fire ends up building frustration and I dare say resentment.
Like Woody Allen once said: “Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”, but this is just a poor substitute for the real thing. I didn’t realize how important something like this is until it’s not there.
I retired a little over a year ago, and this only seems to have amplified the problem. Since we see each other almost all the time, even the occasional kissing has stopped. This has only magnified our disconnect and so here I am. We are a great couple in every other respect. We never fight and agree on just about every other issue in our life, and from the outside we seem like the perfect couple. It is only when talking about any facet of intimacy (on the extremely rare occasions when I bring up the subject) does our marriage fail, but I could also never imagine a life without her. She acts as though it’s something she doesn’t feel much need for, and that hurts. She never initiates any closeness, and it’s always me who tries to get something going, but the almost emotionless response leaves me feeling, well... empty, and so I try less and less.
Personally, I’m very fit, in fact probably more fit than someone 15 years younger than I. I work out on most days, and a couple days a week I also help teach a self defense at the same facility. But I deeply feel the loss of intimacy has tainted my need for personal contact. I have found a small respite in a local reflexology business who offers non-erotic full body massage and this has helped. Just the feeling of this kind of personal contact gives me contentment, even if for just a while, but that other basic need still goes without fulfilment. I never considered myself a romantic or huggy kind of person, but I’ve discovered that there is something in me that is.
And so I sit in front of my laptop sharing things to you I have not expressed to anyone, and I’m not sure I’ve done a great job at having done it. I’m just not sure what is left for me to do.