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Post by solodriver on May 30, 2018 3:29:49 GMT -5
I haven't felt really HURT due to my H's rejection for a long time now. Until yesterday. My wife ignores me every time she sees me naked. It is another example of sexual rejection and emotional abuse.
Years ago I tried to get in the shower with my wife and she pushed me away and yelled at me to get out. I've never tried again and never will with her.
The pain that those events caused was incredible but it forced me to realize I don't have a wife, I have a roommate and now she is treated as such.
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Post by solodriver on May 28, 2018 20:18:15 GMT -5
At lot of this post spoke to me. But I just want it on record, coming from a woman (a young one at that), that the extra 50lbs does not matter to everyone. My H was about 270 when we met and I was attracted to him. He's lost 50 lbs over the last couple years and I'm still attracted to him. Don't let extra weight keep you from being who you are or making the best decisions for you. Thank you for this post. I'm about 20 pds overweight and it's nice to know that some woman don't see weight as a issue. I have other good qualities that I hope are attractive
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Post by solodriver on May 27, 2018 18:00:05 GMT -5
I’m sorry, I couldn’t get past the line: “When a man is 55 he’s standing on the cusp of this grandpa years...” ?? 😳 You’re only as old as you feel, people! Grandmas and Grandpas need love and sex too
Just because we're older doesn't mean we quit or are dead yet!
Everyone deserves happiness, love and attention!
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Post by solodriver on May 6, 2018 20:26:28 GMT -5
As Jordan Peterson says, some people suffer from depression, while others suffer from a terrible life, which feels like depression. I found this to be true for myself. He is for taking anti-depressants for a chemical imbalance type depression, but less so for “a terrible life” situational depression, although as Baz said they can help in some cases to give you a boost to actually start making some changes. Anti-depressants never helped me, in fact one made me much worse. My depression is situational and comes from not feeling loved or wanted most of my life. To an affectionate and loving person as myself, this deprivation feels like death, an abys of darkness. However, between time, my own inner strength and wisdom, and more recently, the therapeutic skills of Jordan Peterson, I have learned to live a life of solitude, and gain strength and order in my life, despite the loneliness, lack of affection and love. The two short times in my life when I felt truly loved and wanted (less than one-year in total) I was never depressed, and had a confidence in myself that occurred naturally. Love really is healing. Love and kindness are nourishment for my soul. Without it, I wither, but I’ve now learned to be kind to myself too. Caris,
You have described my life perfectly word for word.
I'm unhappy, sad, and very lonely though married.
I've decided to just do the best I can and take whatever comes until I can make another choice.
The only sad, scary part for me is I may never feel loved again.
But, I put myself out there every day and smile and am nice to every person I meet. I get a lot of compliments on that. The touch of a person, a hug, a compliment is what I try to focus on each day. Not my SM or ungrateful, un-supporting, unloving wife.
Who knows, maybe someone special will come into my world one day!
Caris,
I'm almost 60 and I refuse to give up on love and intimacy. What I've learned from this group is that there are women in their 60s and 70s who have desire for love and intimacy so I have hope. I would be very happy and excited to have a lover in her 60s or 70s. I'm very sure that their passion is strong and loving and fun. I look forward with hope to enjoy sharing love and intimacy again. I actually think it will be more fun and exciting then when I was younger. But since it has been 18 years for me, I'm practically a virgin again, lol. I'm inspired every day as I ready the stories of new found love and passion by the women in this group.
Please don't give up either. You're worth it and you deserve it!! When you least expect it....
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Post by solodriver on May 5, 2018 22:14:00 GMT -5
I understand exactly you feel. I feel the same way about my roommate.
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Post by solodriver on May 5, 2018 21:29:50 GMT -5
I've found that antidepressants do not help with doing what's needed ...if you're in a possibly emotionally abusive situation.... if anything... it makes you shut up and stop standing up for yourself..... so you're easily manipulated and not focused on what you really feel. or so you aren't being "crazy" (when you're totally rational and following common sense) ... People who are being abused or are sad from marital issues are not depressed they're in pain and I don't think it's right to medicate them ><. As Jordan Peterson says, some people suffer from depression, while others suffer from a terrible life, which feels like depression. I found this to be true for myself. He is for taking anti-depressants for a chemical imbalance type depression, but less so for “a terrible life” situational depression, although as Baz said they can help in some cases to give you a boost to actually start making some changes. Anti-depressants never helped me, in fact one made me much worse. My depression is situational and comes from not feeling loved or wanted most of my life. To an affectionate and loving person as myself, this deprivation feels like death, an abys of darkness. However, between time, my own inner strength and wisdom, and more recently, the therapeutic skills of Jordan Peterson, I have learned to live a life of solitude, and gain strength and order in my life, despite the loneliness, lack of affection and love. The two short times in my life when I felt truly loved and wanted (less than one-year in total) I was never depressed, and had a confidence in myself that occurred naturally. Love really is healing. Love and kindness are nourishment for my soul. Without it, I wither, but I’ve now learned to be kind to myself too. Caris,
You have described my life perfectly word for word.
I'm unhappy, sad, and very lonely though married.
I've decided to just do the best I can and take whatever comes until I can make another choice.
The only sad, scary part for me is I may never feel loved again.
But, I put myself out there every day and smile and am nice to every person I meet. I get a lot of compliments on that. The touch of a person, a hug, a compliment is what I try to focus on each day. Not my SM or ungrateful, un-supporting, unloving wife.
Who knows, maybe someone special will come into my world one day!
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Post by solodriver on Apr 25, 2018 3:13:18 GMT -5
I have decided to only ask questions once and the answers are "Yes" or "No". I no longer defend my position and don't want to hear her position anymore.
It's hard to do that after arguing about everything the past 15 years. I have to force myself mentally to stop whenever she makes the decision. I realized she doesn't give a crap about my feelings or desires or opinion so I'm just wasting my time, letting myself get frustrated and angry for no real reason. I guess the reason was that I cared. but she doesn't, so now neither do I.
Example of what I'm saying:
"Do you want to go out for dinner, to see a movie, or visit somewhere?" If she says Yes great we go together. If the answer is No, I go by myself and enjoy it anyway without her.
I started this in January this year and it helps me to enjoy things without her if she chooses not to participate. I enjoy the moment and the people I'm with and whatever road those moments take me down. I will no longer deny myself of whatever or whomever life brings me. I decided I will no longer allow my refuser to let me be miserable. I want to enjoy my time and am not afraid to do so. She checked out of this relationship and I no longer allow her to control me.
I no longer discuss anything that happens to me with my refuser because she's not really interested anyway. In the past her reactions made me mad. Looking back I was allowing her negative reactions to out relationship and my needs to get me depressed and angry all the time. I had to keep telling myself it wasn't me it was all her.
I don't want to be a bitter, angry or depressed person. I try to be positive that each day, I might meet someone who will want to share intimacy with me, but that won't happen if I'm negative. I want to be ready to share myself with someone without guilt or anger because of my refuser. I want to be ready fir that woman who may find me and wants to share with me. That's what gives me the motivation to get up and go each day now. I know it won't going to happen if I stayed in bed and allow depression and anger to control me.
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Post by solodriver on Apr 5, 2018 3:59:35 GMT -5
Welcome forumwolf,
I'm in the same situation you are in except I don't like it and it has changed the dynamics of our relationship.
My wife told me 18 years ago that she was no longer feeling sexual for me because of menopause and that she wasn't interested in trying to solve the problem medically because of cancer risks. I though "how selfish" because if the tables were turned, I would do all I could, risks or not, to help her feel sexually satisfied. When we had that discussion she called me a "selfish bastard" and that I didn't understand the part of the wedding vows "for better or worse".
Well it sure as hell has been worse. Because of the lost connection you have with the sexual bind, we are "roommates" now. I haven't slept in the same bed with her for almost 10 years now. She quit wearing lingerie and gave it all to Goodwill, which really made me mad; the thought that someone else is enjoying what my wife used to wear for me just pissed me off. And she didn't understand my anger, again I was the "selfish bastard". It was just clothes to her, but to me it was way more than that; it was time we spent enjoying each other that was very special to me.
She no longer lets me see her naked, we no longer touch, kiss, or hug. She stays in "her" room (formally "our" room) watching TV and playing on her laptop. I do my own activities in the living room or "my room". We don't eat together and we don't go anywhere together in the same car anymore, because she's not comfortable riding in my car and she doesn't want me to drive her van, because it "messes up her adjustments" and takes her forever to readjust everything after I drive it. Hence my name Solodriver.
Yes I do and have masturbated every day so I can get some release from the stress of this and sleep at night, but I so crave the touch and beauty of being with and making love with a woman who feels the same way towards me. Each day, I wake up with the hope that maybe today will be the day I run into someone who I might form a bond with.
The reason I'm still in my marriage is because of the severe financial problems that we are dealing with. My plan for now is to continue to work to get myself in a better financial position to make changes to this situation, I hope by the end of this year.
Each day is a mental challenge for me not to be miserable because that doesn't help me or will be attractive to anyone whom I might meet that could be interested in me. But I'm not happy at all with my situation. And each day, almost each hour that I'm at home, I have to remind myself of the things I have learned here, primarily that:
a. What happened is not my fault, that she chose to do this and because of that, she really doesn't love me. b. I have to take responsibility to make my life as enjoyable as I can under these circumstances. I can't allow my "roommate" to make me miserable. When I want to do something, I invite her to participate, she chooses the results of her decision, which is "No" about 99% of the time.
I just hope that I will have the opportunity to share with another woman all the joys that a loving, intimate relationship can bring. I'm not ready to be "put out to pasture" sexually. I'm so looking forward to exploring my sexuality with another woman who has the same desires.
Wow the thought of that makes me smile. Life can be so much more than this hell that I'm in.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 21, 2018 3:36:11 GMT -5
I have thought about outsourcing in the past. I do not see a moral issue with it. You have the refuser not providing for the refused. I've never understood how a refuser would have a problem with the refusee getting sex outside of the marriage. The refuser has no desire for sex. So what's the problem with the other one in the relationship going outside the marriage? There should be no problem. Honestly, if sex is important in your life, then why stay with someone who will not meet that need? I know about children, houses, wealth, etc... as reasons to stay. I agree with shynjdude. You have to be authentic to yourself. I would say this applies to the refusers in marriage. They need to be authentic and accept that they cause unnecessary suffering to their spouses. Might I even put the refusee into the equation of causing suffering to their spouses. I could not imagine not desiring someone and having them bother me for sex all the time. Having to come up with excuses and dodging their spouses. Imagine, it's not a marriage but a situation at a party. You're trying to avoid someone that irritates you. I'm sure it's like this for the refusers, but on a daily basis. In my case, outsourcing in the beginning would have stunted my growth. I had to face my responsibility for the failings of my marriage and my life. I had to understand why I needed intimacy and sex to feel happy. Many times in our life, we are alone. For me, I had to find happiness being alone. Learning to be alone is what has brought me the most freedom. I can be happy without my spouse. Don't get me wrong, I still love sex and it makes me happy. But it's not a sole driver of my happiness. As I read this post tears and pain came to me, because that's exactly the way it is in my marriage.
I want to have the same experience that surfergirl had.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 21, 2018 3:17:57 GMT -5
I like the movie "Same Time Next Year" with Alan Alda in it. It's about 2 people who had an affair but only met once a year to have their affair. It follows them for years as they continued their relationship.
I don't think for me once a year would be enough, considering I've been in a SM for the past 18 years and am climbing the trees as it is, lol. But it's still a fun movie to watch.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 19, 2018 2:05:29 GMT -5
Potentially, the question of "who would want me" is an exciting question. Of all the eligible blokes out there, which one(s) might you consider allowing into your orbit ? Potentially, the exact same question might be a bear trap. Under that line of thinking you might allow the first bloke who expresses some interest in you into your orbit. Being "the first bloke to express some interest" ain't necessarily indicative of him being the right bloke. You are entitled to be choosy Sister tiredofbeinglonely ... in fact it is imperative that you are choosy. Meantime, there is your ILIASM shithole to bring to conclusion. I see what you mean. I think I will be the opposite...too afraid to allow someone in who might hurt me again. I might let some good ones pass me by...afraid of being hurt, assuming the worst, questioningv intentions. Again, this marriage has really played a number on my self esteem. I have decided that if I get another chance with someone I will take that chance, even if I get hurt again. At least for the time that it lasts, I will have someone to share and enjoy sex and love with again, which I don't have right now. I feel I deserve another chance to love and be loved and not let my refuser completely destroy my self esteem to the point that I would never allow myself to love someone again. In my mind, at least, someone is out there waiting for me to love. I just have to be patient enough to find her.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 10, 2018 18:13:46 GMT -5
Bro. Shamwow shared his process from start to end and then for awhile aftrerwards. Well worth reading and considering in your planning.
Thanks for sharing it and leaving on here Bro. Shamwow!
How are you and BOC doing?
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Post by solodriver on Mar 9, 2018 22:10:43 GMT -5
I'm having to contemplate this again.
Of course, ideally, we would all say A DIVORCE!
But for those of us in situations where that's not ready to happen yet, what do you do on your refuser's birthday?
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Post by solodriver on Mar 3, 2018 13:01:10 GMT -5
I finally gave up. All it did was result in her getting angry, and of course the fight was all my fault - she has done/does nothing wrong. So for now I am just status quo. It is a terrible place to be but at least the fighting is a lot less. I used to avoid the fights too. It's the reason why I let my SM go on for so long. Now, if she wants to argue over it, I wholeheartedly throw myself into the argument. I wish I had argued more and sooner. I think if I had, our marriage would either be better today, or ended years ago. Either way, nothing changes without force. (And to be clear, I mean 'force' in terms of physics where movement of an object in any direction requires force to overcome friction and stationary momentum or momentum in an undesirable direction.) ABSOUTLY TRUE!!!!!! That means they either change or you have to divorce, and if it's so hard for them to change, then they don't love you anymore, so why should they be upset if you divorce. That always gets me in these stories. The refuser doesn't love you enough to want to be intimate, but they sure as hell don't want a divorce. What a crock of crap!
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Post by solodriver on Mar 3, 2018 12:53:22 GMT -5
“Hard as I work, as careful as I strive to be, I can't seem to go any longer than 10 days to 2 weeks without doing something she finds off-putting and worthy of a fight / chastisement. Not fighting back, seems just to make her more intensively roused than if I were to resort to yelling - and I don't have the stomach for that anymore. No worth it. I just stand there and listen, just like I used to to when I was a little kid taking shit from my abusive step-dad” Yelling back is a time waster. You are wise not to engage like that. You can also choose to walk away completely out of the house. You can choose also to stop sharing a bedroom if you still do. You can choose to live as if you are unrelated roommates taking meals and socializing separately.Individual therapy could help you heal from this abusive wife and your abusive childhood. I'm there now in my marriage -- just roommates and financial partners. Nothing more or expected in this relationship.
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