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Post by brian on Dec 8, 2017 6:29:05 GMT -5
What wife and I scheduled was evenings going early to bed with no interruptions, candles, gentle music and time just for each other. I believe the candles may even have been bacon-scented. So strictly speaking, we didn't schedule sex exactly, we scheduled the conditions in which sex might happen. Therefore, for my wife to say that "this is creating an expectation that we will have sex" is not as stupid as, for example, saying "scheduling a holiday abroad is creating an expectation that we will not be living in our house for a week"- but I do agree that, from the point of view of a refused spouse, it is so little different that we can safely ignore any distinction between the two. I used to try and schedule time sort of like this, although none of our scheduled evenings had anything to do with going to bed. I would schedule card night, game night, movie night, or whatever, just to try to rekindle some... any... interest. She started blowing them off after the second one, so I stopped scheduling.
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Post by brian on Dec 7, 2017 19:45:41 GMT -5
What I can't stand is hypocrisy and MAN our world is full of it. I can't say anything else because it's political - but I do not like the world today after watching a news headline update. Seems a new precedent has been set, hope EVERYONE is raised to that standard in our congress, senate and white house now. EVERYONE. But that would make it a very empty place. ‘Nough said.
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Post by brian on Dec 5, 2017 8:22:39 GMT -5
Thank you Apocrypha I really appreciate your insights. If I have understood you correctly, you are saying that the refusing partner will choose to allow the status quo to perpetuate until one of the three nuclear options listed above is activated. I agree with that- in fact it seems to describe accurately what is going on in my own marriage at the moment. I want to add a comment, though, which is that it is surely not ok to activate a nuclear option without fair warning, and to give fair warning is therefore not meaningless. Consider a sexless marriage in which the low libido spouse is fine and the high libido spouse is deeply unhappy, but where the HLS chooses to say absolutely nothing to his partner about it. This goes on for 20 years. They never discuss it, they rub along ok, and in fact the LLS has no reason to believe there is anything wrong with the relationship. Then after 20 years the HLS can't take any more, ups sticks and leaves suddenly, without any notice or warning. I think this does happen sometimes in marriages, and the left behind spouse is left with feelings of shock and sadness. In my view this type of action by the HLS is wrong and unfair. So, whilst in one sense it is meaningless to make threats, express dissatisfaction etc, in another sense this can be seen as an essential part of preparing the ground for eventual departure. Does this fit in with the view that you are expressing? james, this is why I have made it perfectly clear to my roomie that if I find somebody that will have sex with me, I WILL have sex with them... and that I am actively searching. Fair Warning that the status quo ain't working.
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Post by brian on Dec 2, 2017 17:31:26 GMT -5
M2G, What DryCreek said... it's just business, and you have to take care of yourself and your family. Your friend and current boss should be able to understand this even though it will sting. And I have to say, wtf is up with your wife being so upset as what this will do to HER schedule? What about the opportunity for you, your career, and the future? Yet all she cares about is what it does for/to her?
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Post by brian on Dec 2, 2017 6:30:12 GMT -5
It would make the conference room pissing matches go a lot quicker. If that’s what it takes to get everyone to drink more water...
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Post by brian on Dec 2, 2017 6:24:05 GMT -5
Lmao about being a sexual beast. On Tuesday morning I forgot my wallet in the morning and had to retrieve it. When I got home, roomie was in the shower. I left and went to work. When I noticed that she had left me a text msg to inform me about my wallet, I texted back that I just wanted a plausible excuse to see her hot, wet, naked body, which I thought was a playful play on words about her being in a hot shower and zero expectations as I was at work. Anyway, fast forward to last night (3 days later). Her flight was late and I was going to pick her up at the airport, so I texted her that, if her plane was much later, that by the time we got home it would be time to bed me. Her response? “Don’t keep the pressure so high.”
For those who know my backstory, you know that I purposely humor myself by making these comments to her. I pretty much know what the response is going to be, but I find it fun to see what great heights she takes things. High pressure?!? You ain’t seen high pressure honey. 😂
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Post by brian on Nov 30, 2017 17:27:25 GMT -5
My roomie doesn’t really like me being here — I don’t much care. She can come here and read anything I post. I have been nothing but truthful with her. There are many things I have said here that she hasn’t heard from me, but not because I won’t tell her. She simply won’t engage or accept delivery. I am an open book, for the most part, but one must pick their battles. But she will never come here. She thinks all we’re interested in is sex. I firmly believe she is asexual, but she would never accept delivery of that message either.
As others have said, if they don’t like it, change. Otherwise, their opinion doesn’t much matter as we here are merely trying to preserve our sanity in a fucked up world that they helped create.
I accept my flaws. I accept my tole is things getting to where they are, but I’ll be damned if I will accept that I’m the one with the issues. As a couple, WE have issues. Now, what are WE going to do about it?
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Post by brian on Nov 25, 2017 7:06:06 GMT -5
I am usually up before my alarm goes off at 5:30. Most mornings I rub one out before I get going, but I never hit the snooze button. I feed the dog, let her out (and back in), get the kids going if it's a weekday, do a little gaming if there is time, then get myself ready for work. Most days, I'm out the door before the roomie is out of bed... unless she has to catch a flight.
Roomie is a snoozer... hits that button 5-6 times before shutting it off and sleeping some more. I am a morning person. She is a night owl. I used to try to adjust my schedule so we would hop into bed at the same time, but she would just stay up even later. So I stopped.
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Post by brian on Nov 13, 2017 5:43:25 GMT -5
h yes amusing to read about Sheldon's prenup but here is my deadly serious point: if I had had the remotest inkling of the 10 year and counting s***hole that I was going to end up in, I would have considered a conversation and prenup agreement about it time well spent. And if I enter into a relationship again in the future as I sincerely hope to, then I hope to have these discussions with my future partner. I simply won't marry again... no more entanglements. Life is too short to get ensnared... again.
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Post by brian on Nov 8, 2017 16:54:08 GMT -5
Totally agree with GeekGoddess- I think that the people who end up on this forum are those whose spouses not only refuse to have sex but also refuse to talk about it. By which I mean: talk about it in a constructive way, not just do that DARVO thing. Oh... you mean that, I would want you if you only did X, or you are such a pervert, or other wives don’t, so why should I? Yeah. That stuff. Lol
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Post by brian on Nov 6, 2017 19:20:41 GMT -5
So, brian, you're saying there's a home for the refused? Where they'll receive quality care and social interaction? I wonder if it's covered by long-term care insurance. They could get rich! Maybe not a long term home, but how about this: kimanami.com/orgasmic-enlightenment-retreat/
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Post by brian on Nov 6, 2017 8:08:04 GMT -5
Errr -- do you think you may have posted to the wrong forum, maybe? Oh... I don’t know. Maybe if we just change a cpl terms... like this: However close the refused is to the refuser there is a limit to the amount of physical interaction with each other. Having someone from outside has its own advantages. It allows the refused to interact and stay consummated with someone else. Even basic sexual care works wonders for their emotional well-being. 🤔
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Post by brian on Nov 5, 2017 21:34:34 GMT -5
You’re not getting your sexual needs satisfied. Therefore, you’re in an unsatisfactory sexual situation. Whether or not your situation meets specific clinical or socially accepted criteria, you are still in a situation that does not make you happy. It doesn’t matter if it’s mostly sexless, occasionally sexless, or completely sexless. The end result is that your partner doesn’t have the energy to satisfy you but still finds the energy to satisfy himself. Seems a bit rude, if you ask me. Since you have found yourself here on this site, I would say, yes, your situation “qualifies” you to join us in a place none of us want to be in.
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Post by brian on Nov 4, 2017 0:39:08 GMT -5
I honestly don’t know. My roomie has done an excellent job of recreating her parent’s dysfunctional relationship, but my sister in law is quite different sexually. She’s still in a sexless marriage herself, but I believe she is the one being refused. My roomie is the first born, so maybe that has something to do with it?
To me, just more why chasing and simply not worth the effort... except for now as it’s 1:30am and I’m on a “vacation” in Miami with the family, sitting on the floor in a hotel room as my roomie essentially kicked me out of the bed (for snoring)... as she sleeps, snoring, in the bed right now.
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Post by brian on Nov 3, 2017 14:33:59 GMT -5
In my case, by me no longer requesting sex, my wife has become closer. When I would ask and she would say no, we were on edge. Now that I am in sexless marriage acceptance mode, we kiss, snuggle and are close. I love that. The marriage overall has improved a lot. I have changed my expectations and since sex is no longer expected she feels she can allow herself to get close. If my libido crashed, I'd call it a perfect marriage. But, with my libido high, its tough. But, I'd rather have zero sex and be "close" than sex 4 to 6 times a year and be distant. I can survive without sex, I have to have some level of intimacy. This is the part that baffles me about outsourcing. Everyone wins! You get closeness, she gets a relaxed, low pressure marriage. Other than the possessiveness angle, which one could argue that no one can own another, i fail to see anything to have an issue about. ^^^^^^This took me many years to come to grips with intellectually
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