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Post by brian on Oct 28, 2017 20:26:47 GMT -5
Wow that is a new one for me. You hot cot the bedroom? I actually think that may be worse. At least different rooms broadcasts the truth straight up. Just curious, how did that arrangement arise? Is it to keep appearances for others? Family and friends? Hell of a way to live, ain't it? I'm not too far off this concept. We're about 3 hours out of phase. I've got a job to get up for, which means bedtime. Meanwhile, she's "retired", and watching TV is apparently more appealing. We could probably come close as well... I go to bed at 10:30, she watches shows on her iPad until 1:00 or 2:00am, and I get up at 5:30.
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Post by brian on Oct 28, 2017 19:17:06 GMT -5
Traffic isn't too bad, brian . I'd say three hours. yeah... takes 4.5hrs to Brookfield, so...
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Post by brian on Oct 28, 2017 18:22:51 GMT -5
🔫Shot a gun............ hell yes 🚙💨100+miles in a car.. yes when i was young and dumb, never could now. ;-) Oh, was that 100MPH? I thought it meant road trip. Your interpretation is much more exciting! Either way, I'm still a yes... Ditto... also been stopped by a cop while going 100+mph. I know for a fact that road-legal cars in the U.S. have a governor that limits a vehicle to 127mph. I was disappointed when I learned that. 428 miles in 4.5hrs... yeah... done that! So @andie... I can get from my house to yours in under 4hrs. Too bad I don't have a car that I would be comfortable doing that anymore
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Post by brian on Oct 28, 2017 18:19:49 GMT -5
💉Tattoos..................... 0
💎Piercings.................. 0
👰Marriages................. 1
✌Divorces................... 0 🚼Children.................... 4
😷Surgeries.................. 0 🔫Shot a gun............ yes ✌Quit a job..................yes
✈Flown on a plane......yes
🚙💨100+miles in a car.. yes
😨Gone zip lining............. yes
😍Fell in love.................yes
🏃 Skipped school........no, at least, not that I can remember. What is it that they say about memory and age again? 👀👶Watched someone give birth? yes
😯Watched someone die........no
🚑Ridden in an ambulance... yes 🎤Sang karaoke........ no
🐶Had a pet(s)............Yes
🏂Been sledding on a big hill... yes... like a REALLY big hill... one that takes a kid 20 minutes or more to hike to the top . Scary shit going down. 🎿Been downhill skiing..... yes
🚲💨Rode a motorbike....... no
🐴Rode a horse...........yes
🏥Stayed in a hospital........ yes 💉Donated blood.... no 🚓Rode in the back of a police car...no
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Post by brian on Oct 28, 2017 18:13:47 GMT -5
Wow... the survey has already been taken down. I guess she received enough participants already.
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Post by brian on Oct 28, 2017 12:15:12 GMT -5
Used against you how? In the stage of social circles or public opinion? The courts could care less about that stuff. They care about the laws that govern the splitting of the assets and the guardianship of any minors. That's it! Nothing more. If there are no stipulations in your jurisdiction about "fault", then the only concern the courts are going to have about AP's revolve around the question, "Were a significant amount of assets used in the committing/maintenance of the affair?" Why would they care about "who tried what?" These are not criminal trials where they are trying to determine what somebody is guilty of. If I'm way off base, someone please correct me. Used against you if you are in a 2yr. or a 4 yr. plan of staying and tolerating such detrimental abusive behavior. Used against you during this period of trying to get along peacefully for the good of the children. Once in court not so much. Explaining to your attorney that you are dealing with a narc or a manipulative controller? That helps in what to expect and how to use it to your advantage. That's becoming my experience. They say the courts are changing....slowly. Not every case is cut and dry. Ah, yes... emotional manipulation. However, if you are "over" that and able to see through it, it no longer holds any power. I allow my roomie to believe that her attempts at "fixing" (read "resetting") things are working. All of her talk about how she is getting better, blah blah blah. When I want 2-3X/week, am willing to compromise to 1x/wk, can internally and emotionally handle once every other week, but then she wants "credit" for being better because it was 3 weeks in between our last 2 sessions and we are now at 2 weeks since then... I give her credit... it IS progress, but that progress isn't going to keep me around. Damn it... now I feel like I'm hijacking the discussion. This ain't about me. Sry. If you recognize the manipulation for what it is, it has no power. Of course, you have to be ready for the response of, "Now you just won't let me try," or "you have already given up." Ummm... yeah... that's pretty much it, because the relationship has died.
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Post by brian on Oct 28, 2017 11:48:15 GMT -5
It does sound like a slippery slope. Your spouse my be setting you up with a reversal. " I tried, I went along, I did what he asked, he's the one with the problem". Do you want to give her that weapon in her arsenal? You and I (most of us on this sight) see right through that. Not a controller. The other side of that is ,how long will it last? how long before she says more damaging words, or does more damaging actions, especially with the money? Does having sex give her the mindset that she can do what she pleases- without your knowledge- regarding finances? Lots of new boundaries and resistance to come. Like they say "the best things in life are not free they take work." Valid. All valid. I have a lot of armor, but you've just exposed some serious chinks. I am sure this "I tried" argument in particular will be used against me. Used against you how? In the stage of social circles or public opinion? The courts could care less about that stuff. They care about the laws that govern the splitting of the assets and the guardianship of any minors. That's it! Nothing more. If there are no stipulations in your jurisdiction about "fault", then the only concern the courts are going to have about AP's revolve around the question, "Were a significant amount of assets used in the committing/maintenance of the affair?" Why would they care about "who tried what?" These are not criminal trials where they are trying to determine what somebody is guilty of. If I'm way off base, someone please correct me.
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Post by brian on Oct 26, 2017 19:00:38 GMT -5
Oh gawd! I feel like I’m at an inspirational speech and I’m raising my hand for every statement made.
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Post by brian on Oct 25, 2017 19:38:35 GMT -5
Interesting thread, I'm also planning on leaving in a few years. Like you I'm concerned about whether to tell my wife for fear of it being misinterpreted as coercion. Yet, as has been said, if she doesn't see that our marriage is going to end that also seems a bit unfair. I've seen lots of threads on other fora from wives who are "suddenly" dumped with no prior knowledge anything was wrong. My own wife believes our situation is normal! Struggling to square that particular circle and retain my conscience... Whether it’s “normal” or not is immaterial. At least half of the people in the relationship are unhappy the way things are. It’s not about making one or the other accept/settle/capitulate to a situation that is unfulfilling. If it isn’t working. If it isn’t ever going to get better. Why bury your head in the sand?
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Post by brian on Oct 24, 2017 4:37:26 GMT -5
brian , for years I was ready to go at get beckon call. I've been fighting that lately, if she doesn't want to put the work in so that I feel loved, why should I help her when she gets the slightest sex itch maybe every other week for hey. I hear you... and we are all different. I never would have looked up this site (well, it's predecessor) if my roomie was "in the mood" every other week.
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Post by brian on Oct 23, 2017 16:24:17 GMT -5
Isn't it ironic that even when they reject us, we're still supposed to be ready to go and in the mood whenever they want? We're supposed to be sensitive to their emotional needs but when the table is turned, our emotional needs count for precisely squat. Double standards are wonderful, aren't they? I’m always ready to go. Maybe that’s my curse. But the years of rejection caused a change in me last year that has resulted in me being in the mood with others too. I’ve been starved for so long, I’ll eat at just about anybody’s table. That’s a place that was unfathomable 3 years ago.
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Post by brian on Oct 23, 2017 13:38:56 GMT -5
I’m a TGIM (Thank God It’s Monday) person. I get to interact with other adults, I don’t have to think about my roomie, and I don’t have 3 kids pestering me for all sorts of things. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but my roomie doesn’t have a spine when it comes to disciplinary action, so the kids are spoiled brats. I do what I can with them, but it spills over and I’m happy yo have the break come Monday morning.
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Post by brian on Oct 20, 2017 18:14:14 GMT -5
Hell yes, if I could take a pill and be rid of it I would! I appreciate the philosophical side of it would still remain, but to get rid of the grief of wanting something I can't have at this moment would make life a lot easier. Shame nothing works in that respect that I've tried anyway. Yeah, I tried chaste tree berry and it worked for a while but I think I built up a tolerance for it and my drive came back after a few months. While it was working, I loved it. I didn't even get morning wood and I could actually focus on other things through the day without being distracted by the nagging feeling of unmet needs. Too bad it didn't last though. Lots of self gratification... once or twice in the morning, once or twice before bed. That's how I dealt with that for 2 decades. Oh... and when I could hide it under a jacket, in the car on the ride home from work... or to work. Yeah... it was bad.
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Post by brian on Oct 20, 2017 15:01:47 GMT -5
I recently had a similar reaction to even the idea of sex with my refuser. He is like a stranger to me body. It is confusing as I am the one making this last ditch effort to make this marriage work. But then he mentions a maybe on sex and I feel like "no way!" Everyone in my house knows that when she says “maybe”, what she really means is “the answer is ‘no’, but I don’t want to argue about it nor admit that I am actually saying ‘no’, so I’ll make it sound more readonable like I might actually consider it, but I’m not.” It’s not just for sex, and the kids know full well what it means when mom says “no”.
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Post by brian on Oct 19, 2017 20:49:33 GMT -5
This maybe the theme of many but not all. I'd like to explore a different perspective than the traditional sex is ikey and my religion says so. What about general lose of interest, being comfortable, or just plainly not caring. My marriage started off as 50 shades of grey and turned into the book of celibacy. Why is that, for me I have a half assed hold on why, but for many the answer eludes them, and the refused turns the blame on themselves rather than outward. And for many projecting the facade that were a happy healthy family is not only for that person's sanity, but also for the other members of the family mainly the children. No one wants to explain the reason Mommy and Daddy are fighting to a 5 year old,so avoiding the argument is the best option. I asked a question that was never answered, and I'll post a thread on it later today. I personally think that society accepts SM, look at most sitcoms, at the end of most the husband asks the wife if he's going to get lucky, she rejects him the crowd laughs and the credits run. So it's socially acceptable for a partner to deny sex and intamacy. So instead of looking at it as a bad thing it is the now looked at as normal. No one looks at Ray and says poor guy, wife is rejecting him, they laugh and say silly Ray better luck next time. Okay... how about this perspective... refusers have sex when they want what can be gained from it. It's a means to an end, a system of bartering. While dating, have sex to get them to marry you. Once married, you can stop having sex because they got what they wanted... until they want children. Have a child, no sex until they want another. Once all of the kids that they want have been had, no/little sex from then on because there is nothing to gain from it. They are married, have a family, and their spouse is moderately tethered to this family unit. They are satisfied and content. The refused can spend a long time trying to figure out why, and by the time we come to our senses, it could be a decade or two later. I envy those who come to this site and are only a couple of years into their SM. I'm 2 decades in. It was 15 years before I truly changed from the inside. And yes... I know I can change my situation. I can choose to change it. I have a timeline. Believe me, I have been here (and its predecessor) longer than all but a handful of us (although I was a lurker). I have grown and changed in ways I never thought I could or would. I feel liberated. I'm no longer in jail. I do things for me and screw what others think of me (including my children and roomie, for the most part). So... they can see sex not as an intimate act, but as a weapon/tool to get what they want. When it no longer serves that purpose, they discard it. Funny thing is... we let them do it. I let her do it. All in the name of "keeping the peace", or because I didn't understand my emotional state as well as I do now... after a long journey of self discovery.
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