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Post by brian on Oct 16, 2017 16:39:38 GMT -5
Or would the friend mind if she had a man over for the night?
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Post by brian on Oct 16, 2017 16:37:51 GMT -5
I just wonder... Would the "long-lost sister" mind if the friend had a woman over for a nightcap?
Mind tricks don't work forever.
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Post by brian on Oct 14, 2017 14:48:02 GMT -5
At that time, "what people thought of me" was important to me, unhealthily so. I know several people who have flipped this switch from "what people think of me" to "I don't give a fuck". From what I can tell it doesn't appear to be a gradual transition it just happens. Is that other people's experience? Is there a defining moment where you say no more? I want to get to this place of not caring what other people think and I'm getting better, but there hasn't been a defining moment for me. Or maybe there was and I just didn't pick up on it. Interested to hear others thoughts on this. For me, this happened when I finally had enough self confidence and no longer felt the need to be "validated" by others. I no longer hide behind a fascade with most anybody. I can casually talk about sex, relationships, embarrassing moments, etc. all without feeling ashamed or self conscious. Funny thing happened though... when I strted opening up, others followed suit. I was amazed at how many ppl I interact with have had some very trying episodes in their lives. I even found 3 coworkers enduring sexless marriages and 4 others that divorced because of it.
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Post by brian on Oct 14, 2017 14:42:03 GMT -5
Should I Stay or Should I Go - hmm, never thought I would come to hate any song by the Clash. Couple that with Rush: "If you choose to not to decide you still have made a choice"So top it off with the Bard: "..to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?"Today's mood; and no worries - I'm not contemplating the "To be or not to be" part. 20 years of dwindling intimacy and now at over 6 in my SM I must say has hardened me like emotional steel. Can I stick it out to the bitter end, waiting and hoping for a less than bitter end? Absolutely. Do I want to? Feelings are really ripping me up, bouncing off the walls - I still can't answer that. Choosing not to choose. Except - no more thoughts of outsourcing. Today I will start with that, and go from there. Shooting Shark: "Well I'm up beside the magic man, and he laid some tricks for me. He said: "you do need help my friend." I whispered: "Obviously." Name that band Blue Oyster Cult
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Post by brian on Oct 13, 2017 7:42:44 GMT -5
"The cat is watching.” Add another one to that list. Mr. Kat was such a devoted cat dad that I started to wonder if he liked them more than he liked me." One of my most fun romps with post sm lover was when we got busy with 2 curious big dogs in our bedroom. They each watched us, one dog on one side of the bed, the other in the other side. Made us feel deliciously kinky doing it doggie style. Maybe they were jealous?
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Post by brian on Oct 9, 2017 22:14:51 GMT -5
I tried to initiate on our last vacation just to give it one last try, and it was a miserable failure. I got rolling eyes. Almost a look of disgust. It was embarrassing. I shouldn't feel embarrassment from my partner. I don't ever want to feel that humiliation again, and I have felt it for years. It's so hard to deal with, but I accepted it for so long that I am now coping with my responsibility. I was a participant. I let it be acceptable. Hard pill to swallow. Yeah, that sucks when it wrecks a 'vacation' like that. From their perspective, you asking for sex ruined the vacation. Thinking of it that way, why do we even try to fix the relationship?
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Post by brian on Oct 6, 2017 5:41:58 GMT -5
That is funny. I love your dark sense of humor, brian. I will never accept things the way they are. I just accept her being the way she is. I can make other adjustments to my life to make up for that. Oh... believe me, I am making adjustments elsewhere. I make no secret to my roomie that if the opportunity presents itself with another woman, I AM taking that opportunity. And I actively work on making those opportunities present themselves. Encounter with roomie last night... as she was unpacking her suitcase from her trip, I asked her to come to bed. She was quite put out by that because, in her words, "You might want favors of a sexual nature." I just told her to come to bed and hold my hand. She did the first, not the second. I suppose this means that all of her texting about me being worth it and that she would try to fix things was just hogwash, as I knew they were when she said them. But I have laid it all out for her. She knows the emotional journey I have been on and where I am at, so my conscience is clear there.
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Post by brian on Oct 5, 2017 20:05:43 GMT -5
I have totally accepted things as they are. I even have fun with it at times. That might sound cruel, and it probably is, but I approach my roomie from time to time with things merely to humor myself with her response. For instance, yesterday morning after the kids were off to school, she took a shower. I decided to join her, so I got naked and jumped in our built-for-two shower. I wasn't aroused. The look of fear and panic on her face amused me. She said she was scared of what I might do... whatever. I got exactly what I was after, a scared rabbit with nowhere to go. I washed most of her body, carefully avoiding any area that might remotely be considered intimate. I didn't care to touch her there anyway.
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Post by brian on Oct 5, 2017 7:43:34 GMT -5
FWIW, I find #9 interesting if you take that into the world of intimacy/sex.
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Post by brian on Oct 5, 2017 7:42:31 GMT -5
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Post by brian on Oct 5, 2017 7:37:10 GMT -5
What chore did I not do or do incorrectly? is it my breath? Did I not get into bed early enough? or... did I not get into bed the right way? Too aggressive? Too passive? Wrong pajamas/shorts/boxers? Were the lights left on? Why would I be so cruel as to move the dog from the center of the bed? This truly is endless... It's all bout how many EXCUSES can you give someone to not have to do something when that person is at least partially bound by a marital "contract" and can't simply leave on a whim.
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Post by brian on Oct 4, 2017 20:18:30 GMT -5
This topic has been discussed before both on this forum and EP. In fact, I think I started threads on both forums. Might want to search for "Top Ten Reasons..."
The kids might hear The neighbors might hear (she doesn't make a sound and tells me that if I make any noise it's a turn-off, so who is going to hear that?) It might disturb the dog I don't do mornings ...or daytime, evenings, the day before a work trip (tired/stressed from preparations), the day she returns from a work trip (tired) I don't do oral, or manual, or even look at your dick because it's all gross Just too many to enumerate them all
She added a new on this week though after visiting her obgyn. Apparently she has low hormone levels, but the obgyn wants her to lose weight before prescribing. Anybody want to guess how quickly the weight will come off??? Here's a hint. A quote from a text she sent me less than an hour ago:
"I just ate a bunch of food - all you can eat small plates"
Yeah. That's going to take...years.
Some mentioned shower/bath before/after... yeah, mine does that too. Sex is gross, and after it's over, she must get cleaned up and I have to wash at least my hands, etc, etc. i just want to lie there naked and enjoy the afterglow, but there isn't any afterglow for her.
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Post by brian on Oct 4, 2017 19:53:14 GMT -5
Maybe you APPEAR to be thinking too hard because you're the only one in the room with the mental capability to understand what's actually going on!
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Post by brian on Oct 2, 2017 16:39:11 GMT -5
The excuses truly are endless, and we just need to come to terms with the notion that our refusers simply don't want to have sex with us because it's unpleasant to them. The reason why doesn't matter and you can spend years/decades trying to figure out why, as many of us here have done without success, but you still end up with "your refuser doesn't want to have sex with you."
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Post by brian on Oct 1, 2017 6:50:18 GMT -5
.."We both have our needs and desires, and if you expect me to take care of yours, then you have to take care of mine too. If you don't want to do so, then I can either find someone else willing to do so (the FWB), or we can end this marriage that is apparently unfulfilling to both of us.". Thanks for that - only problem is that, if she did say OK, it would feel like manipulation IE: she'd have sex for me, not with me. Maybe I'm hiding behind my own issues on that point (and maybe I should seek counseling on that score). In short: I gotta believe my sexual partner really wants me or it just more masturbation. I have struggled with this as well at times. We all need to make a distinction between happily engaging in an activity out of love for our partner vs. truly desiring doing something. For instance, you may not desire to do chores around the house, do the grocery shopping, or spend an evening watching a movie that you have little interest in, but you do it because it is meaningful to your partner. You can do things to make it more fun an interesting and can get very creative here, but the fact is, you are only doing it because your partner wants you to do that. I think we need to view sex in kind of the same way... it's not something that they intrinsically want to do with us, but they need to find a way to be a willing and enthusiastic (at least somewhat ) partner in the activity, and we should help them try to find ways to make it more fun and interesting for them. This all assumes that they are willing to work on this part of things, which is often not the case by the time people land in this forum.
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