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Post by brian on Feb 4, 2018 10:00:39 GMT -5
Heh. I just realized that the mere fact that this thread was about the potential positives of an affair could serve as evidence to a biased person that that’s what I am looking for, or have done. Complete hogwash, but it’s the hand that was dealt.
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Post by brian on Feb 4, 2018 9:54:09 GMT -5
There is one thing you can say about cheating for certain. And that is that the outcomes of it are completely UNcertain. Introducing a 3rd party into an already dysfunctional situation can and often does spin things off at some crazy tangents that you cannot manage, some predictable, some not. For that reason, you may as well treat it like a divorce as far as your preparation goes, so you can mitigate the damage as much as you can from the fallout, and at the very least, establish exactly what the stakes are in this highly adventurous choice. And this is true even if you don’t have an affair, yet appear to behave as if you are... if you view the evidence with a certain preconceived bias. If you suddenly decide to start doing things for yourself and schedule evenigs out (even if it’s a professional networking event or out drinking a couple beers with friends). Those things are seen as abnormal and potential circumstantial evidence of something more... like meeting an AP. Even if there isn’t one. When someone sees smoke, maybe it’s the marriage burning and not the hot flames of an extramarital affair. Edit: people see what they want to see to make the story they want to be true, be true. All because it suits them or fits their biases in life. We all do it, but it hurts when it’s personal.
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Post by brian on Feb 3, 2018 12:02:17 GMT -5
A brief update... there was an accident on the highway ahead of me during my commute to see the lawyer. Traffic was stopped for over an hour and I was stuck where I was. I never made it to my appointment. Thank you all for your kind thoughts. I invited roomie to the forum to read, and she did. I’m not sure if she registered and saw everything, especially the post where I said, “I don’t want a divorce, but I can’t keep living like this.” Her reading may have even upped her resolve to have me leave. If you read your partner’s raw and unfiltered thoughts and feelings and simply don’t like that person, at least you learned something. I spent last night out of the house, unintentionally, but am back now. I had a previously scheduled “drinking after work” get together and ended up drinking more than I should have. Frigid is a good word to describe the mood towards me. I bet this is similar to what surfergirl experienced. Maybe this will result in some healtfelt and permanent changes that save the marriage (kind of like a swift blow to the gut to wake people up), or maybe we part ways. I’m hoping for the former, as it will be better (I think) for the family, but things have to change. And I know I will ned to make some changes too, regardless of the determined path.
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Post by brian on Feb 2, 2018 6:51:08 GMT -5
Hope that meeting is really soon. Your roomie may try to preempt you. 3hrs from now, but it’s the first of 3 initial consults/attorney interviews. I haven’t even decide what my next steps were going to be — step forward, step back, take a pause, decide it wasn’t worth it right now anway. My 18yr okd was very passive-aggressive with me this morning, yet I refuse to disparage their mother and discuss very personal and adult things with him like this.
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Post by brian on Feb 2, 2018 6:01:29 GMT -5
So... one of my tech-savvy kids has been periodically checking in on me here... and has seen at least one of my posts indicating that I am going to meet with a lawyer today.
Said kid informed roomie.
This shit’s getting real... really fast!
Unfortunately, no one has been able to understand my perspective that I was going to gather info, I have no timeline, and all of this is causing me an enormous amount if stress.
They just see it as me being the bad guy and wanting to break up the family... sigh.
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Post by brian on Feb 1, 2018 16:02:48 GMT -5
xanderYou don't know what you just said. You have no idea what you just asked for...LOL This might be the first place I've ever been where the people throwing punches hit harder than me. So I'm staying. ...and you really made a splash when you got here surfergirl. 😉
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Post by brian on Feb 1, 2018 14:48:48 GMT -5
^^^^Following. Just to see if anyone "Likes" his post. Lol surfergirl... xander, in the washroom, in my car driving home... yeah, done all that.
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Post by brian on Feb 1, 2018 12:48:36 GMT -5
xander. If you’re not wanting any more children, get a vasectomy and remove that anxiety from the situation. Can your situation be recovered? If you BOTH want it to, then yes. From your initial post, it seems like she is at least engaged with you on talking about it. Schedule your vasectomy. Tell her that you want to remove that worry from the relationship for the both of you. And continue talking!
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Post by brian on Feb 1, 2018 9:12:11 GMT -5
I had to vote “no” as the current state, but my answer would have been “yes” for the first few years of our marriage. Of course, I may have just been naive and fooling myself as evidence mounted that My partner was not in love with me.
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Post by brian on Jan 31, 2018 12:49:10 GMT -5
Maybe I should re-read the entire thread, but is it possible that maybe she had an affair, feels guilty, and wants you to have one also to relieve some of her guilt? Or maybe set you up so that she has the upper hand in any divorce proceedings due to infidelity?
Sorry, but this is where my mind is atm.
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Post by brian on Jan 29, 2018 18:29:59 GMT -5
Today, I took what I consider a big step. I set up a consultation with a lawyer to see how a divorced would pan out for me. Nervous but glad I did it. I need some advice on what questions I should ask. Any thoughts out there? Me too! And the stress sucks. I don’t want to get a divorce, but I can’t continue living like this.
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Post by brian on Jan 29, 2018 18:24:18 GMT -5
To summarise at this point in this thread. All refuser spouses' excuses are piss weak and lack credibility. There appears to be no arguement on this point. But, on all observable data in the thread, these piss weak excuses work. They achieve the aim of avoiding sex with you. The refused spouse may roll their eyes at the excuse, make a smart arse remark about the excuse, get in a snit about the excuse, get angry about the excuse, laugh at the absurdity of the excuse, maybe argue the toss about the excuse, get sad about the excuse, adopt a resigned attitude to the excuse. But you accept the excuse. Probably you accept the excuse in a pretty pissed off manner, but you accept the outcome - no sex. And that legitimises the excuse. And both spouses then play their familiar and comfortable roles that they have been playing for years. Your role in it is to ask for sex. The refusers role in it is to thwart your attempt. You both know what's going on, you both know your individual roles in the situation, and you know your spouses role in the dynamic too. In many ways, this defines what your relationship is all about. In many ways, this is what gives your relationship meaning. This weird kabuki dance of pursuit / rejection is what defines your relationship. Very true! But no longer. I stand here with all of you as my witnesses and state that I will no longer accept this life. Either we change the marriage or we dissolve it. First meeting with lawyer this Friday.
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Post by brian on Jan 29, 2018 18:18:45 GMT -5
Sorry all. Just feeling a bit confrontational tonight. I’ll calm down once I get home and have a beer or two.
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Post by brian on Jan 29, 2018 18:17:41 GMT -5
Hi just joined tonight. Thank God I am not alone! Married 7 years on 16th Feb. I never get anything from my wife. No affection, intimacy, sex or gifts... I have a hotel planned for our anniversary. I would be better buying myself something I have resorted to sleeping in the kids bed or the soda just to avoid the gut wrenching feeling of lying beside this unresponsive unloving flatmate.. Welcome to the group nobody asks to join. I spent many a night on the couch for various reasons: no sex, wife kicked me in her sleep, she insisted on the side nearest the bathroom, and bed wasn’t that comfortable anyway. I suggest keeping the hotel room. Just don’t invite her along! Not just keep the room, but tell her that you’ll be spending the evening drinking with friends and will just crash at a nearby hotel. If she protests by saying it’s your anniversary, just say, “Exactly!”
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Post by brian on Jan 27, 2018 19:58:05 GMT -5
Yep! So well that I am calling lawyers this coming week! Depending on what you find out from your lawyer, and what you might then be prepared to do in light of that information, the assigned roles in the dynamic may be in for a huge shake up Brother brian . That could be a real good thing. Kind of looking forward to it
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