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Post by brian on Jan 13, 2018 18:43:01 GMT -5
My roomie asked me to vacuum the first floor of our house tonight. I told her that I would donit in the morning (6am). Now I just have to ask for “payment” prior to the chore. Lmao!
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Post by brian on Jan 13, 2018 17:51:19 GMT -5
I stopped doing that the easy way: realizing she will say something hurtful like "no." I need to get her a shirt that says "NO!" so as to remember what the answer will be. LOL I’ll get a t-shirt that says... I’m tired Not tonight babe I’ve got a headache I’ve just had a bath and am all clean I’m not clean Maybe I should get some PJ’s with this printed on. Or how about pjs that say, “cold as ice. Do not attempt to touch” with a picture of a thermometer with icicles.
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Post by brian on Jan 13, 2018 6:42:32 GMT -5
If she is trading sex for chores, how about trading sex for conversation or romance? I know, I know, our refusers say that those things are precursors to sex, but do they have to be?
You want me to talk to you? Have sex with me first. You want me to romance you? Have sex with me first.
To me, this is somewhat unpalatable. It's just not a transaction to me. But maybe it's necessary. idk.
For me, all of these these are just one giant feedback loop. Sex, romance, conversation, chores... each one begets the others. I would walk on water for a woman that shows her that she desires me.
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Post by brian on Jan 9, 2018 8:18:00 GMT -5
It seems most of the earth's population comes from those that can least afford to have kids. Europe and the US have low birth rates, and areas within the US with the highest birth rates tend to have the least wealth or education. I do not see this as a good trend, as I believe smart people tend to beget smart children, and idiots idiots. When my children grow up where will their good employees come from? Idiocracy!!!
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Post by brian on Jan 5, 2018 7:40:07 GMT -5
rejected101 , I am going to take something that you said above and change it slightly to be words of wisdom we should all have with our ADULT sons/daughters. Original text: “don’t disregard the importance of remaining lovers. Agree on a love life you can both achieve and be happy with. If you are going to bloody minded and keep your love life at a level you are happy with and who cares if he is, don’t be surprised when his dick slips inside someone else”. Modified statement: “don’t disregard the importance of remaining lovers. Agree on a love life you can both achieve and be happy with. If you think that you can keep your love life at a level that only you are happy with and not care about your partner's happiness, don’t be surprised when s/he finds someone else to fill the gap”.That one's getting filed away. Absolutely brilliant advice.
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Post by brian on Jan 5, 2018 6:51:04 GMT -5
Personally, I am quickly transitioning from 10 to 11 right now.
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Post by brian on Jan 2, 2018 5:46:30 GMT -5
Brian don't assume anything about your deal and how a divorce will pan out for you until you have seen a lawyer. If your wife makes more than you why do you assume that you will recieve no ailomony? Has this been verified by a Divorce Lawyer? it's not that I am assuming that I won't, it's that I don't WANT any. She can keep her money. I make a good enough living that I will be just fine without any from her. A divorce isn't about taking whatever I can. It's about moving on. Splitting the current assets and children issues are probably the only areas of contention.
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Post by brian on Jan 1, 2018 9:02:14 GMT -5
House full of relatives a friends. Watched SpaceBalls with the kids. Drank beer and watched TV. Haven't had much sleep as roomie got mad at me for snoring and I ended up in a chair, wide awake, for the duration.
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Post by brian on Jan 1, 2018 8:36:47 GMT -5
Sitting here at the computer at 4:14am as roomie got mad at me for running my hand down her back and slightly under the waistband of her pajamas during a moment of sleepy forgetfulness of who I was in bed with. Just more reinforcement that we have no business being married. And I can hear you all saying it... legal counsel. And yep... that is going to happen this January. Oh, Lord, I wish my h would do that to me. I would probably come unglued - not the way your roomie did, though, lol. I wish I could do that to someone who would come unglued - in the way that you alluded.
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Post by brian on Dec 31, 2017 7:03:14 GMT -5
okay afrogofhope. First thing is, you never have to apologize for "too much detail" here. There are too many posts to count with much greater detail than your post contains. Secondly, although some spouses might be embarrassed when their wife/husband/roommate/co-habitant/whatever spills the beans on the secret, your post is a heartfelt plea for understanding, and you should be applauded for that, not chastised. Have the two of you considered counselling? I don't normally suggest such a thing, but you seem to have a pretty good grasp on who you are, the affect this has on things, and a better than most understanding of how your wife might feel. It just reads to me like you two need a bit of a push to actually talk about this issue. REALLY talk. Not argue, just to discuss feelings without anger or expectation of sex. The first goal is to get you both understanding how the other feels and thinks about this, and possibly surrounding, issues. Now, on to some of the other stuff you wrote about... once there are children in the mix, life can turn upside down. Sometimes you have to make due with whatever time/place/opportunity the universe hands you. So what if SOMETIMES she has sex because she wants to make you happy. Don't you sometimes do things for her, just for her, to make her happy? That doesn't mean all the time, but an occasional "gift" isn't a bad thing. Rarely are two libidos perfectly matched. Okay, so you want multiple times a day, she might want once a month. Relationships are all about compromise. Try to find a "happy" medium. Substance abuse... Stop. Now. It's a road with no happy ending (pun intended). What about a vasectomy? If you don't want any more kids, I would urge you to do this as it will remove any apprehension about unwanted pregnancies and potentially allow her to simply enjoy sex without worrying about what it might lead to down the road. Some religions are against this, but the only reason I can discern for such beliefs is that they want as many congregation members as possible, and birthing them is often easier than conversion from the general populace. This has to be your (plural, with your wife) journey, not your church or congregation.
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Post by brian on Dec 31, 2017 6:00:09 GMT -5
M2G, we both make a good living, and she makes a good bit more than me. I don't want any of her money, and I don't think there will be any alimony involved in our deal. Child support, yes... for the two that are not yet 18. The biggest thing, I think, is the house, and I'm sure we can come to terms with that.
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Post by brian on Dec 31, 2017 4:24:52 GMT -5
Sitting here at the computer at 4:14am as roomie got mad at me for running my hand down her back and slightly under the waistband of her pajamas during a moment of sleepy forgetfulness of who I was in bed with. Just more reinforcement that we have no business being married.
And I can hear you all saying it... legal counsel. And yep... that is going to happen this January.
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Post by brian on Dec 31, 2017 4:13:47 GMT -5
Hello all. Talking about this is very hard for me. I'm not prone to sharing intimate things about relationship, I don't really know how much is being disloyal. I love my wife, my best friend, but I'm really struggling. About disloyalty... are you supposed to keep everything bottled up? She has already shown you great disregard about your feelings and needs (one could even say 'disloyal' to the nature of marriage). Does she expect you to suffer in silence forever?
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Post by brian on Dec 28, 2017 7:41:45 GMT -5
I got massage oil too! I predict mine will remain unopened until next year though. Au contraire... Strike while the iron's hot. She gave you the gift; attempt to put it to use. Lay out a towel or two on her side of the bed and set the massage oil on it or nearby. Extend an invitation, and don't forget to turn up the thermostat / bed warmer. Maybe an extra towel to cover the area you aren't working so she doesn't get chilled. And run hot water over the oil bottle to pre-warm it. It may crash and burn, but it'd be a valiant attempt if it does. (Then again, I could be reading this all wrong and that's why I'm in the situation I am. Caveat emptor!) ETA: I should add... in full disclosure, this exact scene went down in flames for me recently; however, W hadn't just gifted me the oil. I think your odds are better sooner than later. Okay... I tried this, more or less, last night. When she came into the bedroom and noticed the setup, she hopped over the setup onto my side of the bed and said, "I appreciate the thought, but..." and then the excuses started flowing: - I'm stressed about our struggling son in college - I'm stressed about our high school freshman failing - I'm stressed about our high school senior's car troubles As she rattled these off I kept thinking to myself, "multi-month excuse #1, multi-month excuse #2, okay... that one we can remedy in a couple weeks" So... she will be "stressed" about something for months, and by then there will be other things to take their place. As predicted, the massage oil will go unused, like all of the others, for years. I'm not disappointed at all by this. I actually feel validated and am at peace with it.
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Post by brian on Dec 27, 2017 6:34:03 GMT -5
As we were visiting family and friends yesterday on Christmas, I had so many thoughts running through my mind, I wanted to share them with you.
As we approach our 30th anniversary, through the years, I did my best to meet all of my wife's needs emotionally, spiritually and physically in a non-sexual way but it didn't change her rejections when I wanted to be intimate with her. I hinted and prodded...still rejected. In about the 12th year of our sexless marriage, I started searching the internet and found the term "sexless marriage". I learned about a website called Experience Project (the forerunner to this group) and the subsection called "I Live in A Sexless Marriage". I was shocked to learn of so many married men AND women who were suffering and feeling the very SAME things I was. I was in tears reading story after story because I could identify with so much of it. All I wanted was a wife that desired me and wanted to have sex with me and be intimate. Still the rejections continued.
My wife has kept me starved and craving for sexual intimacy. She ignores my pleas and neglects my need for her love. I feel that physical intimacy and the sexual relationship is sharing the deep sense of love, two lives, blending, uniting and bonding in the most wonderful way together. It is so very much more than for reproduction. It is not for the same reasons that animals do it. There is such a wonderful, emotional sharing between two souls who make love together. I think there is a experience of love in the physical intimacy that transcends the physical pleasure that is shared. And my wife's rejection has crushed my soul. No amount of explanation for the past 18 years seems to get through to her. Most people want to love and be blessed by being loved. Nothing can compare to the love between a man and woman who love each other and enjoy expressing love as well as receiving love from one another. Unfortunately for me and many other men AND women, my spouse loves me as SHE defines love and ignores my pleas and explanations. She remains clueless to this day and I continue in my daily struggle with resentment and bitterness.
The desire to unite my heart and soul with my wife's is the height of the love expression. The rejection of that desire cuts deep into my soul. A wife OR husband who does not understand this, does not understand the damage she or he is inflicting on their husband or wife and on their marriage. She or He is being cruel to the person they are supposed to be loving to. My wife's No are for many reasons: "Not tonight, maybe tomorrow" "I'm too tired" "I have too many things on my mind" etc. etc. etc. I don't want to ask again and again and risk rejection, but I don't want to accept abstinence either. I can't stand to hear those words "Not tonight, maybe in the morning". She should just say No!
Bitterness is unresolved hurt and anger. And a clueless rejecting husband or wife does not understand that they alone must resolve the problem of their sexless marriage. Because they are so clueless, the rejected husband or wife must bear the burden of coping with the on-going rejection and denial. And "No" always has power over "Yes" Only my wife can solve this dilemma, but she doesn't. I have withdrawn from my wife emotionally to protect myself. Up to that point I allowed her to hurt me over and over and over again. Now I must try to be decent, civil and loving, NOT FOR HER SAKE, but for mine. I do not want to be an asshole. She denies me love and refuses to nurture our relationship beyond what is important to her. I am stuck with a wife of "No". I am not the person I want to be. I cannot be free to express my feelings.
I hate myself for not being stronger to overcome my anger and bitterness, but I so desperately want to be loved by a woman who wants to love me and be loved in return. I mentioned to my wife yesterday that it has been 18 years since we have been intimate and she acted genuinely surprised? "No that's not true" she said. I asked when did she think the last time we were intimate was. After a few minutes there was no response and she started a conversation about something else. I took that as a sign of her uncaring about my thoughts and feelings. She is married. I am her husband. That's as far as she thinks about our relationship. Before her recent problems with a leg injury and the surgery she had for it last week, for me to ask for permission to be intimate would annoy her and stress her. She would know what I wanted and had been waiting for years for, or maybe she doesn't? I am cursed with a clueless wife of "No".
I could easily walk away from this relationship with a blink of the eye. But at the moment, the financial cost and almost impossible recovery from it would only make my life worse, not better. I am constantly fighting thoughts of anger, bitterness and resentment. We live in the same house, but I've made her my roommate as much as possible. I try to be decent and dutiful as a husband but I keep my distance. It's the curse I have to live with for now.
Admittedly, I do love her, but not enough to override my anger for all the misery she's subjected me to. I feel guilty because I don't want to hate my wife. But I hate the feeling of being rejected. I hate being trapped in a sexless marriage with a clueless wife. She is clueless about the damage she is causing to me and our marriage. I hinted, I suggested, I asked, I begged and I pleaded but the answer was the same; "No". She always had excuses, but the bottom line was "No". The promise of "tonight" or "tomorrow morning" never happened.
This is not love. It is the only path offered by a wife of "No".
There are only 2 courses of action to resolve this:
1. SHE has to initiate a love cycle of 'Yes" and bring to an end the rejection cycle. But sadly, after 18 years of rejection, I struggle to even ask my wife again. But if I'm ever brave enough to ask again and the answer is "No". please initiate intimacy as soon as you can. Don't make me ask again. Because I will NEVER EVER ASK AGAIN!, then comes the next action.
2. Divorce because NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE, and the only hope to one day having an opportunity to bond with love and intimacy to another woman who wants and desires my love and who feels the very same way about me.
I hope 2018 will bring us all love, and intimacy in the most wonderful ways that we desire and deserve. I truly care about each of you on here. We share the pain together, but WE ARE NOT ALONE AS LONG AS WE ARE HERE TOGETHER!!!
Quite honestly, I think this one needs to be reposted in "The Best of..." forum.
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