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Post by brian on Jan 24, 2018 14:31:59 GMT -5
I’m thinking that I may just wrap the [unopened] massage oil she gave me for Christmas and give it to her for Valentines Day. Then we could gift it back and forth for years without opening it. It’s either that, or it gets put on the self with the unused dildo I bought her a decade ago that’s on top of an unopened foreplay board game I purchased a decade before that.
Yeah. I’m readying my exit.
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Post by brian on Jan 24, 2018 13:58:11 GMT -5
Quite honestly, for me, it’s all about the amount of effort it will take to unravel the intertwined things in our lives. Whether that be financial, kids, extended family, friends, etc.
My roomie helps enormously with keeping the family organized, something I am not very good at. Her work is more flexible and allows her to handle appointments with much greater ease.
None of this is insurmountable, but it gives me pause... is it worth it yet? If I outsource for a little while, will it be enough to have these other benefits for a little while longer?
There are fears on the other side too, like, will she sign the kids up for so many things that my time with my kids will just be as a chauffeur, or that I will have difficulties with my career because I have to take a lot of time off to handle kids’ activities. Idk. And those unknowns enter my thoughts and make me question, “Am I really ready yet?”
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Post by brian on Jan 23, 2018 21:09:46 GMT -5
When I was pregnant: “The baby’s watching” Since he was born: “What if the kid hears?” or “He’s gonna come in here and need something” or “It's weird to do it when he’s awake” (kid will be 15 in May) It won’t be long before your kid is having more sex (in your house, with you there) than you are. That’s where I’m at with my 18yr old. It’s sad. So very sad.
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Post by brian on Jan 23, 2018 21:02:54 GMT -5
So sorry to hear tiredoftears. Nobody deserves to have their feelings dismissed in such a callous manner. I feel for you. To answer the question posed, I will probably be at a local bar on Valentines Day. I’m sure my roomie will be upset, but I’m going to be fucked one way or another. Might as well go out swinging at real opportunities. But I may end up at home with a new toy that I purchase for myself.
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Post by brian on Jan 23, 2018 20:49:26 GMT -5
So sorry to hear tiredoftears. Nobody deserves to have their feelings dismissed in such a callous manner. I feel for you. To answer the question posed, I will probably be at a local bar on Valentines Day. I’m sure my roomie will be upset, but I’m going to be fucked one way or another. Might as well go out swinging at real opportunities.
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Post by brian on Jan 23, 2018 20:40:17 GMT -5
The lack of passion and desire simply bleeds into other areas and gets a person thinking of all sorts of other issues. Sex is a stress reliever for me. It is a stress inducer for her. In times of high stress in the relationship, when I need her most, is the exact times when she can’t/won’t be there to help me. So that gets me wondering about how compatible we really are, since we can’t be there for each other.
Just an example.
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Post by brian on Jan 23, 2018 19:37:08 GMT -5
I can imagine that there are people on this site who have no intention of leaving their partners, because, in essence, they have computed that the benefits of leaving do not exceed the benefits of staying, even though the marriage is sexless. In that scenario, if the partner was as bertie1471 describes, practical, non-jealous, also saw the benefits of the marriage, wanted to stay, but was prepared to acknowledge to the partner that he could outsource as long as he was discreet about it AND was careful to pick partners who wanted NSA/FWB-type arrangements- then I really cannot see anything wrong with that. It seems perfectly fair to me. Should have a low probability of blowing up and keeps everyone happy. As has been amply described elsewhere, though, this description of the sexless partner does *not* seem to fit with the descriptions of refusing partners on this site. That's the problem, I think. James you're saying that my wife actually giving permission is not something that fits the normal description? hmmmm. Yes I have no intention of leaving my wife. Young kid etc. And I do actually love her - just not her sex drive. I had no intention of leaving my roomie when I joined the precursor to this site. Now I will readily outsource and am preparing my exit plan. This is not how I want to live the rest of my life.
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Advise
Jan 23, 2018 14:45:25 GMT -5
via mobile
h likes this
Post by brian on Jan 23, 2018 14:45:25 GMT -5
lostintime Dude. I was waiting for you to get voted off the island here for complaining about 2-3 times a week. I'm surprised nobody shot you. LOL Just goes to show what a really great bunch of people are here on this forum. (That, or they skimmed over that part....) We don’t shoot anybody here, and everyone’s definition if “not enough” is different. And that’s okay. The emotional roller coaster is the same though. And I agree with you, this is a really great bunch of people. And I don’t think we missed the part about 2-3x weekly. Quantity is not the same as quality, and a marriage really needs both (unless both parties agree to something less). The problem occurs when one or the other does not care enough to find a place where both can be happy, instead choosing the selfish path of only their own happiness. Unfortunately, that statement applies to both sides of the argument.
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Post by brian on Jan 22, 2018 23:08:31 GMT -5
Just give me a toy and some lube. I don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me. That kind of sex sucks. I tried it. I don’t like it. I choose to never do that again. However, if I run across someone who wants to have sex with me, even if it’s just once, I’m all in. Probably because I’ve been neglected for so long, any attention and desire thrown my way is much appreciated and gladly reciprocated. Long term... there’s gotta be more.
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Post by brian on Jan 22, 2018 22:54:05 GMT -5
I can’t remember even once as baza described. Hell, I haven’t had an orgasm that wasn’t self-induced in over a decade. Not allowed to induce an orgasm in my roomie either. So... yeah... I haven’t had what baza describes.
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Post by brian on Jan 21, 2018 23:20:23 GMT -5
Yes, you are bang on there. There is only one thing worse than no sex, and that is being refused and having no sex. So if you never ask you’ll never be refused. Easier said than done but well worth the effort. Why not ask someone who will say YES. I ask just for the humorous responses and excuses. I never expect sex. I never expect anything even remotely sexual, but dammit, I’m still going to have fun playing with the excuses.
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Post by brian on Jan 19, 2018 8:45:45 GMT -5
Would that mean I would have been a 44 year old virgin? There should be a length of time without sex where we can say that we have fully restored our virginity, and/or we should come up with an appropriate term to refer to that situation. Born again virgin? Revirgined? Reflowered? What if you have had sex, but haven’t had an orgasm? 2 months on the first item, 12 years on the second (not counting self-induced)
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Post by brian on Jan 17, 2018 9:25:25 GMT -5
I feel a need to say a bit more. I can, and do, have “fun” with my roomie. We can play cards, or board games, and have an enjoyable time. We can have a meal together and be happy. Life isn’t misery with her... it’s just... life with a roommate. The problem comes in with the fact that I married her to have so much more... a romance, passion, a partner that helps me through the bad times and rejoices with me in the good.
I could only hold up the romance without passion for so long.
She deals with adversity and stress the exact opposite of how I do, and we therefore have a difficult time truly helping each other.
Because of the above, it’s difficult to see the “good” or the life “wins” as “ours” and they are instead, his and hers.
So I go through life more alone than I thought I would be being married.
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Post by brian on Jan 15, 2018 16:09:17 GMT -5
Considering that I had the day off work and didn’t tell my roomie that the office was closed today should speak volumes.
I went to breakfast by myself, caught a mantinee, did a little work in the office, and am now sitting at the bar downstairs from work. I can’t even watch a sporting event with her as she criticizes way too much for my tastes. Just enjoy the game. Watch the “chess match” between players. Between coaches. No need to second guess or criticize the decisions. They are the decisions they made. I love comedy. I enjoy heckling and being heckled by the comedian. My roomie HATES the attention.
It wasn’t always like this. I have a very logical mind. I weighed the pros and cons of marrying this woman for months before asking. My mind didn’t see the cracks, just the shiny smoothe parts. Damn 20-something brain!
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Post by brian on Jan 14, 2018 16:16:29 GMT -5
One way you can approach the topic with adult children is to discuss the importance of having a love life, that it’s something that both people in a marriage have to work on and agree upon, and that, despite your father and I trying to find a workable compromise for both of us, we haven’t been able to find a place where we can be a happy couple.
Just a suggestion... my opinion, offered for free. Just remember, it comes without guarantee, and you get what you pay for.
🍻
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