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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 28, 2017 7:29:00 GMT -5
I think I'm on a 2 year plan (+1 year separation). When the youngest gets into elementary school is when I will start my exit. What I'm trying to figure out is how do I start with the least complications. Last night when the W cuddled against me, it felt so odd, like she was cuddling with the old me and the post decision me was sitting on the other side. Do I compartmentalize to the point that there are 2 me-s? One that is around her and the other boxed up inside?
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 28, 2017 8:00:55 GMT -5
I think I'm on a 2 year plan (+1 year separation). When the youngest gets into elementary school is when I will start my exit. What I'm trying to figure out is how do I start with the least complications. Last night when the W cuddled against me, it felt so odd, like she was cuddling with the old me and the post decision me was sitting on the other side. Do I compartmentalize to the point that there are 2 me-s? One that is around her and the other boxed up inside? I'll take a quick stab at this for you. try breaking it up into three categories. 1) How to handle it financially. 2) Detaching yourself from her emotionally and physically. 3) What's best for the children. 1) She may want the house, you may want the house, the house may have to be sold and divided. Moving out may be seen as abondonment, and you loose the house. More direct questions when you visit more attorneys. Once you pull half the money out of checking and savings, open your own accounts, things fall into place much sooner. Money talks. Reality hits that this is no longer a control game and the playing field is much more level. Also the same with household chores and taking care of the child. You are telling her, " I am not going to be your servant any longer, put on your big girl pants". 2)When the hugging and touching begins, give her a taste of her own medicine. Move to another chair,and tell her "I am exhausted". Just be prepared for her to quickly realize you are no longer her willing victim. Things may go smoothly or she may go full force to stick it to you anyway she can. The least complications? Keep busy, find reasons to be home less and less, do more with the kids, go to bed early etc.... typical avoidance. You can share the same room for several more months. This gives less reason to tell the kids until you get closer to the end. Then again -depending on your kids age- seperate rooms for mommy and daddy they may be none the wiser. My teens where told the day after the announcement. Looking back it could have waited several more months. Who knew it would be dragged out so long? 3) When thinking of the children consider timing. best time to sell a house? Summer. Best time to move? Summer. Best time to change schools or pre-school? summer. Spend the rest of the year going through the divorce process.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 28, 2017 8:18:28 GMT -5
I did most of my exiting quickly and adding this much time between you knowing your choice & you telling her your choice definitely adds a layer of challenge to the execution of plan with the least trouble. Here’s the thing: if you “split in two” to maintain peace, you will extend the healing time required to be well once you’re out. Being authentic matters - both to you while you’re still in it, & once you get out, and to any kids watching the duplicity performed. So - I think the avoidance advice is good solid strategy. She has “taught” you all the most plausible excuses already. Use her litany of reasoning on her to turn the tables. However- be braver than her. When pulling away with a “I don’t feel it” - go ahead & talk honestly about feelings. Don’t state future plans (I strongly believe in not tipping your hand until your legal and financial preparations are ready to go on short notice. But do use the opportunity, if it’s presented, to say what you feel now - I hope we can be loving, but right now I’m trying to protect myself & heal myself from years of rejection & it’s making me “not that into you” TODAY. Tomorrow may be different but I don’t know, so we will see when tomorrow comes where we go from here. You needn’t say: I plan to leave but waiting for XYZ. But just: here is how I feel right now. I don’t know about the future. For me, the minute my veneer was cracking and authentic me was coming out, I had to move quick before it started making me hate him. I had no biological kids & the steps were all grown & moved, so my exit was much easier (simpler) than many others.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 28, 2017 9:02:45 GMT -5
One last comment about sharing the room together. Being in bed together was like having a roommate ,maybe... maybe,,,, a good night peck. (I get more affection from the dog) So staying in the bed together had little meaning. Although I felt myself falling off the side, my knees hanging off trying my best to not even touch toes. The slightest touch felt....repulsive by someone who rejected e for so long. I give/gave her a wide berth. I get in and out of the bathroom as quick as possible, or I leave the room until she is done. My W. decided to move to a different room, leaving me the master Bd.Rm. That's fine, minus her walking in as she damn well pleases at all times of day and night.
So if things are stagnant anyways, sharing the room for more months may not be a problem.
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Post by james on Oct 28, 2017 10:32:19 GMT -5
Quite a scary thread for me as I know I will be going through all this at some point, barring a miraclulos turnaround by my wife. Already a lot of great practical advice here and I hope that people who have been through it will weigh in with more.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 28, 2017 11:02:55 GMT -5
Compartmentalizing, like you are doing, is the only way I know how to do it. I am at the same beginning stage of a four year plan. My far-away friend advised me to play the roll of the loving husband. It is the hardest role I have ever played. We are in this for the kids. I have made that clear to my W, and that if the house is not a peaceful home for them, then I have to go.
She is responding like yours, with unprecedented affection. I am going to keep my mouth shut and play along. I was clear before that the damage was done chronically over decades, and cannot be undone. She has started putting out, again, and I get no enjoyment from it, in part because I know she does not either.
In the end, it is not whether we are getting sex from our spouse. It is the connection built by it.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 28, 2017 11:12:07 GMT -5
“She has started putting out, again, and I get no enjoyment from it, in part because I know she does not either. “
Why bother having sex with her if there is no enjoyment? With that off the table, you could more easily live as companionable roommates until it’s time to part ways.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 28, 2017 11:16:16 GMT -5
This is uncharted territory for me, NorthStarMom. I took the best advice I had, from a woman in a parallel circumstance with a few more years experience.
I am trying to find a balance where I do the least damage to myself and those I love.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 28, 2017 11:26:47 GMT -5
This is uncharted territory for me, NorthStarMom. I took the best advice I had, from a woman in a parallel circumstance with a few more years experience. I am trying to find a balance where I do the least damage to myself and those I love. It does sound like a slippery slope. Your spouse my be setting you up with a reversal. " I tried, I went along, I did what he asked, he's the one with the problem". Do you want to give her that weapon in her arsenal? You and I (most of us on this sight) see right through that. Not a controller. The other side of that is ,how long will it last? how long before she says more damaging words, or does more damaging actions, especially with the money? Does having sex give her the mindset that she can do what she pleases- without your knowledge- regarding finances? Lots of new boundaries and resistance to come. Like they say "the best things in life are not free they take work."
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 28, 2017 11:26:53 GMT -5
Compartmentalization is the way to go. Originally I had a 4 year plan and I was not planning to divorce until 2019. I played the happy wife to keep the peace - especially for the kids, I outsourced, I detached, I became depressed, angry, and I wore the burden of not living an authentic life. In 2015 I snapped - I couldn't take it anymore. I was mentally and emotionally drained. I told him I wanted a divorce in September, filed in November, we signed in December, and were divorced in January 2016. Divorce was quick and amicable.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 28, 2017 11:28:08 GMT -5
I don’t see how grit your teeth and endure sex makes things more easy. You know she doesn’t really want to have sex with you but is just doing it to keep you from complaining. If you tell her sex is off the table due to your no longer being interested (she might think it’s due to your age or coming to your senses), she probably would be relieved.
When you finally divorce, no need to cite sex as a reason. You could just say you have grown apart and lack commonalities.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 28, 2017 11:35:52 GMT -5
This is uncharted territory for me, NorthStarMom. I took the best advice I had, from a woman in a parallel circumstance with a few more years experience. I am trying to find a balance where I do the least damage to myself and those I love. It does sound like a slippery slope. Your spouse my be setting you up with a reversal. " I tried, I went along, I did what he asked, he's the one with the problem". Do you want to give her that weapon in her arsenal? You and I (most of us on this sight) see right through that. Not a controller. The other side of that is ,how long will it last? how long before she says more damaging words, or does more damaging actions, especially with the money? Does having sex give her the mindset that she can do what she pleases- without your knowledge- regarding finances? Lots of new boundaries and resistance to come. Like they say "the best things in life are not free they take work." Valid. All valid. I have a lot of armor, but you've just exposed some serious chinks. I am sure this "I tried" argument in particular will be used against me.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 28, 2017 11:45:02 GMT -5
It does sound like a slippery slope. Your spouse my be setting you up with a reversal. " I tried, I went along, I did what he asked, he's the one with the problem". Do you want to give her that weapon in her arsenal? You and I (most of us on this sight) see right through that. Not a controller. The other side of that is ,how long will it last? how long before she says more damaging words, or does more damaging actions, especially with the money? Does having sex give her the mindset that she can do what she pleases- without your knowledge- regarding finances? Lots of new boundaries and resistance to come. Like they say "the best things in life are not free they take work." Valid. All valid. I have a lot of armor, but you've just exposed some serious chinks. I am sure this "I tried" argument in particular will be used against me. The "I tried" argument doesn't matter and doesn't hold water if by the time they finally tried "it was too late". If she tried to play that card, my response would be "Look we had a sexless, loveless marriage for X number of years, romantic love is like a plant if it's not tended to and nurtured it will perish and die and no amount of water or fertilizer will bring it back". Relationships are hard work even good ones and when the someone starts taking things for granted it just rots.
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Post by brian on Oct 28, 2017 11:48:15 GMT -5
It does sound like a slippery slope. Your spouse my be setting you up with a reversal. " I tried, I went along, I did what he asked, he's the one with the problem". Do you want to give her that weapon in her arsenal? You and I (most of us on this sight) see right through that. Not a controller. The other side of that is ,how long will it last? how long before she says more damaging words, or does more damaging actions, especially with the money? Does having sex give her the mindset that she can do what she pleases- without your knowledge- regarding finances? Lots of new boundaries and resistance to come. Like they say "the best things in life are not free they take work." Valid. All valid. I have a lot of armor, but you've just exposed some serious chinks. I am sure this "I tried" argument in particular will be used against me. Used against you how? In the stage of social circles or public opinion? The courts could care less about that stuff. They care about the laws that govern the splitting of the assets and the guardianship of any minors. That's it! Nothing more. If there are no stipulations in your jurisdiction about "fault", then the only concern the courts are going to have about AP's revolve around the question, "Were a significant amount of assets used in the committing/maintenance of the affair?" Why would they care about "who tried what?" These are not criminal trials where they are trying to determine what somebody is guilty of. If I'm way off base, someone please correct me.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 28, 2017 11:52:10 GMT -5
I live in a joint property state. My refuser ex had an ap and even thought he had fathered her son. None of that was of any consequence in how assets were divided.
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