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Post by theexplorer on Nov 7, 2017 18:03:32 GMT -5
How does a sexless marriage harm a person?
The reason for the question: My experience has seriously hurt my self-esteem and it has affected my social life. I have been attempting to repair or heal these areas of my life. The question is, whether or not there are additional problems and issues I need to investigate or resolve?
The second question is, Can a person recover from the damage caused by the sexless marriage while they remain in the sexless marriage?
In my case, I have some strong motivation to stay in the marriage. Outsourcing is not really an option in my situation. I have been exercising and making some new friends outside my marriage. I have been improving, but it seems like the improvements are coming SO VERY slowly!
Does anyone have any advice on these questions?
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Post by baza on Nov 7, 2017 18:41:19 GMT -5
You mention self esteem and social life as casualties from your ILIASM shithole brother theexplorer . You can add on mental health, physical health and emotional health to the list. The deleterious effects an ILIASM shithole are insidious and tend to negatively infiltrate every aspect of your life over time. To the second point - "Can a person recover from the damage caused by the sexless marriage while they remain in the sexless marriage?" The evidence of the stories in here says that is highly unlikely. The continued exposure to the toxic environment really precludes much in the way of personal growth. The best you could realistically hope for is to be able to cope with the unfavourable environment, and maybe build some sort of life outside of the environment. None the less, your actions in - "exercising and making some new friends outside my marriage" is a positive. Short term, continuing your exercise regime and expanding your support network might be the way to go. Longer term, those other two options that you currently reject need to be considered objectively and seriously.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Nov 7, 2017 22:38:17 GMT -5
A sexless marriage will affect all aspects of your life. Self esteem, confidence, desire to do things, ambitions etc. As brother Baza rightly pointed out at some point you will need to re - assess your thinking.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 7, 2017 22:53:00 GMT -5
Sex boosts endorphins -- happiness, immunity to illnesses. Lack of sex leads to stress, depression, lowered immunity to illnesses. During the last years of my 34-year marriage, I had a cold at least twice a month. Days after one cold ended, I got another. Five years ago, I decided to divorce. I've had one brief cold since. Sexless marriages also can lead to one isolating oneself socially and having accidents due to the stress and depression. According to the following article in Prevention, lack of sex may increases anxiety and men's chances of having ED or prostate cancer: www.prevention.com/sex/7-things-happen-when-you-stop-having-sex
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 7, 2017 23:33:01 GMT -5
I do not believe that we can recover while remaining in the toxic environment. Your work at self-improvement will be helpful, & should be maintained- but it won’t give the payoffs it would give if not dragged down daily by the emotional abuse inherent inside the SM. IMO.
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Post by M2G on Nov 8, 2017 7:31:04 GMT -5
I don’t think so either. What’s most insidous in my case, is that my W not only refuses, but refuses to talk about refusing. Is it physical? Is it mental? Is it punishment? Is it lost attraction? All of the above?
Really all of this creeps into everything I do, every day.
Anyway, the plan is to get the house ready for sale and try to work it out. When the house is done so am I
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 8, 2017 7:40:33 GMT -5
My refuser ex refused to talk about our sm. He just looked sad and said it wasn’t my fault. I assumed he had ED, so I suggested he talk to his doctor. I said I’d do whatever I could to help.
He did nothing to resolve the situation. When finally after 8 straight years of absolutely no sex with him, I asked for a divorce. It ended up he, then age 62, had been having an affair with a woman in Manila and thought he’d fathered her son, a toddler.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 8, 2017 8:40:49 GMT -5
Yes, M2G, it’s not so much the refusing, alone - it is the refusing to TALK about the refusing. In other SMs, the refuser talks in circles or makes up why-s for us to chase - without action, the talk is still just an avoidant or delaying tactic. But for mine, even the talk was too much for my Ex. That was a clear message for me. It said: get out while you still have a spirit left that could heal from this emotionally deadening treatment.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 8, 2017 9:00:32 GMT -5
How does a sexless marriage harm a person?
It depends on the person. Thoughts of a co dependent verse a manipulative controller, immediately comes to mind. There's a ripple affect to the sexless approach. It will carry through to every other aspect of the marriage.
No intimacy = no communication No communication = no trust No trust = divorce
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Post by james on Nov 8, 2017 10:56:36 GMT -5
Totally agree with GeekGoddess- I think that the people who end up on this forum are those whose spouses not only refuse to have sex but also refuse to talk about it. By which I mean: talk about it in a constructive way, not just do that DARVO thing.
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Post by brian on Nov 8, 2017 16:54:08 GMT -5
Totally agree with GeekGoddess- I think that the people who end up on this forum are those whose spouses not only refuse to have sex but also refuse to talk about it. By which I mean: talk about it in a constructive way, not just do that DARVO thing. Oh... you mean that, I would want you if you only did X, or you are such a pervert, or other wives don’t, so why should I? Yeah. That stuff. Lol
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 9, 2017 7:04:23 GMT -5
Others have listed the harm - and I concur. It harmed me greatly. But just as much as the 'no sex' harmed me, there was also the fact that I was living with a person who didn't care how much it harmed me because he wouldn't look at his own actions or simply couldn't understand or he was an asshole or there was something wrong with him or he had a hard time demonstrating empathy- or some combo of that. But whatever the reason he didn't care or couldn't act like he cared. I felt unloved and I was definitely without love as I needed it to be expressed.
No you cannot heal while in the sexless marriage, but you CAN take steps to healing. You can make new friends, build support structures, start rebuilding your life. Make other parts of your life as good as possible. For me, outsourcing was part of that, but not the only part. Playing rugby probably helped me more than anything.
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Post by M2G on Nov 10, 2017 13:08:19 GMT -5
My refuser ex refused to talk about our sm. He just looked sad and said it wasn’t my fault. I assumed he had ED, so I suggested he talk to his doctor. I said I’d do whatever I could to help. He did nothing to resolve the situation. When finally after 8 straight years of absolutely no sex with him, I asked for a divorce. It ended up he, then age 62, had been having an affair with a woman in Manila and thought he’d fathered her son, a toddler. Wow that really sucks - I missed this post initially. Surprised the guy didn't "go missing." That's about as horrible as it gets when it comes to betrayal - so sorry you had to go through that.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 10, 2017 14:28:49 GMT -5
How does a sexless marriage harm a person? The reason for the question: My experience has seriously hurt my self-esteem and it has affected my social life. I have been attempting to repair or heal these areas of my life. The question is, whether or not there are additional problems and issues I need to investigate or resolve? The second question is, Can a person recover from the damage caused by the sexless marriage while they remain in the sexless marriage? In my case, I have some strong motivation to stay in the marriage. Outsourcing is not really an option in my situation. I have been exercising and making some new friends outside my marriage. I have been improving, but it seems like the improvements are coming SO VERY slowly! Does anyone have any advice on these questions? If you are saying you have some strong motivation to stay in the marriage. Having some specifics might be helpful, but might not matter. Fair enough. Distill that motivation down and apply it to one side of the scale. Now on the other side place the harm caused by the marriage. It isn't like comparing two standardized weights. Your scale will be subjective, and you are the only one who can judge whether your marriage is a net benefit or net harm. It does seem kind of shitty, though that you're having to weigh a shitty marriage you're motivated in staying in against a bunch of shitty consequences. Seems like not having any real positive options available within the confines of the marriage should factor somehow into the measuring of your choices. But let's just say for argument that it leans on the "stay" side. Well, then, you have been pursuing some very healthy coping mechanisms such exercise and expanding your social circle. Both will be needed to help compensate with a shitty marriage. Much better than my coping mechanisms of becoming a drunk and a porn addict in an effort to dull my own libido. However, let's say for argument that it leans on the "leave" side. Well, then, you have been pursuing some very healthy coping mechanisms such exercise and expanding your social circle. Both will be needed as you "reboot your life". Again, very healthy coping strategies. In the end, all you can work on is yourself. If progress is slow? That's OK. If you're staying, all you've got is time. Positive coping strategies are beneficial by definition...no matter which path you take.
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Post by theexplorer on Nov 13, 2017 15:18:37 GMT -5
Ok, I made it back FINALLY! I appreciate all the advice that has been offered.
On the questions of leaving or outsourcing, I am simply not in a position to leave at the current time. There are some strong family related reasons for staying. There are also some significant financial reasons for staying. Several years from now my situation should change. I may be able to consider leaving at that point. I do not know the future and what all will change between now and then. At this point, that is to far away to make any definite plans.
On the question of outsourcing. I have seriously considered it. Unfortunately, I would probably be the dude that gets caught! If it was a one time deal, the odds of getting caught would be low. If it became a regular deal, the odds of being caught would be quite high! My wife is fairly observant. She would most likely figure it out!
There is a story behind the original questions. I recently read a book on marriage. It contained a short section on sexless marriages. The options of leaving and outsourcing were discussed. There were also a few pages on staying in a sexless marriage. The author stated that staying in a sexless marriage and being miserable was not a good choice. She then wrote about accepting a sexless marriage. She claimed she had met several people who stayed in sexless marriages. These people accepted their situations and then built interesting and fulfilling lives outside their marriage. The author gave few details on exactly HOW to accept a sexless marriage though. To be blunt about it, the section on accepting a sexless marriage was very poorly written! It seemed obvious to me that the author had never lived in such a situation!
After reading and pondering the advice in this book, I was a bit confused. I have been attempting to make the best of my situation. It has been a struggle though! At times, it seems as if little progress has been achieved.
After reading the advice in this thread, I think this situation is (finally!) starting to make some sense. These people, who made the best of their sexless marriage, may have done OK. There is a very important point this book's author did NOT mention! If these folks had lived in a loving, sexually satisfying marriage, they would have had an even better life.
Does this sound like a fair assessment of the situation? Anyone have any more thoughts or advice?
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