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Post by brian on Dec 18, 2017 6:19:20 GMT -5
Just a quick note of practicality. I have noticed that most people here contemplating divorce are not interested in "hurting" their spouse through the process. Finding the "easy" or the "fairest" way out is the way most of us would prefer to go. Given that so many places nowadays have No Fault Divorce allows for such an arrangement as long as the partner does not contest too strenuously. In my state, however, withholding sex for more than 12 months is know as "Constructive Abandonment" and is grounds for a Fault Divorce. I would wager that many spouses are aware of this, which makes reset sex all the more hurtful. If you are now at 13 mos, it may be something to consider if your location has this rule. A little research or a meeting with a lawyer might be a good idea. Best to you. In my jurisdiction, withholding sex isn’t enough for constructive abandonment, other duties also would need to be part of it. If greatcoastal wasn’t already in the process, I would think what his spouse is doing would constitute constructive abandonment. Sry to bring you into the conversation gc 😉
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Post by brian on Dec 13, 2017 18:08:51 GMT -5
I’m usually a very positive person, but what came to my mind first was, “Goodbye, I’m letting go. I want to follow a different path.”
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Post by brian on Dec 12, 2017 22:28:21 GMT -5
... Sitting next to her on the couch as we watch TV. ... OR: cuddling on the couch in front of the fire.... ooo la la! Such activities figured prominently in some of the erotic fiction I used to write. Exposed beams.... plate glass windows open to nature... two glasses of wine... discovering a lacy bra as I slip my hand under her shirt... Geez. Better stop there, or I might make my own head explode. Which head? One of them is okay to explode, the other... is not.
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Post by brian on Dec 12, 2017 6:57:35 GMT -5
If you have to pressure your spouse to have sex with you, is that really the kind of sex you want? Absolutely not! Which is why my "pressure" is always in the form of a snide comment or a humorous comeback to something said or the situation at hand. She doesn't want to have sex with me. She sees it as a chore. So I am not going to try to pressure, force, cajole, or coerce her into having sex with me. When she says, "I'm working on it," I do look for evidence, but all of the evidence I ever find is a brief period of toleration and a quick return to status quo... like all of the other times she claims to have been "trying". I have no expectations other than sexlessness and possibly a 3-minute annual fuck (no orgasms allowed) when she believes she needs to.
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Post by brian on Dec 11, 2017 0:50:18 GMT -5
I tried the no pressure route...could never make it more than about six weeks without trying. It doesn't work. I agree, and I don’t expect it to change our situation other than I am building the argument that divorce is the right path for us.
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 18:40:02 GMT -5
DryCreek , I'm with you on that she is unlikely to notice. I KNOW she won't notice. My strategy here is to one day point out to her what happens when I don't even mention things for a long time and that her, "I'm trying, can't you see the progress, isn't it better?" can be met with an honest discussion about how it really hasn't changed and that twice-a-year can't really be considered progress from once-a-year. Of course, being a smart lady, she has already tried to tip the DARVO scales in her favor by stating that she doesn't think anything she does will ever be enough for me.
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 17:09:55 GMT -5
...and I did it again. I suppose I need professional help. We received a package today (not unusual), and she asked what it might be (I wouldn’t know, she is the one ordering stuff), so I blurted out, “Awww... Did you order a toy for me?” Must Stop LOL! I stopped doing that the easy way: realizing she will say something hurtful like "no." I need to get her a shirt that says "NO!" so as to remember what the answer will be. LOL I REALLY want to get us his/her T-shirts... hers will say "Gives Zero Fucks" and mine will say "Orgasm Donor" Just sayin'... Of course, I don't have the balls to actually buy those shirts and give them to us. Just imagine what the kids would say! Just imagine what my SIL would say (who is also in a SM, but isn't [yet] at a point where it bothers her).
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 17:07:51 GMT -5
...and it's not like giving her wine, even an entire bottle at once, increases my chances. It doesn't. Well, okay, it does. It increases my chances from one in a million to one in 400.
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 17:04:35 GMT -5
Another question...My Darvo-master ex wife never once apologized to me for any matter of substance in our 20 years of marriage. It seems to me this might be a common denominator or perhaps I just had an exception. Thoughts? My wife has NOT ONCE in 30 years apologized for anything. It's always my fault.
Sorry for this, but I am feeling a bit confrontational tonight... since it's always your fault, why not apologize for making the mistake of marrying her (or anyone).
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 15:30:51 GMT -5
I dunno. I might enjoy a good fight. You might consider with an opening volley of, “Why did you marry someone who obviously does so wrong in your eyes on a daily basis that it requires an apology? Or do you simply need validation that you have all the right answers to everything?” Of course, she’ll demand an apology for that too! Oh yes. I'd have to confess to the err of my ways and apologize relentlessly or else run the risk of months with no sex.... oh, wait... And this is exactly why I sometimes (often?) say certain sexual things to my roomie... just to humor myself with her response, because she isn’t going to fuck me, regardless of how carefull I am to do and say the right things (that doesn’t exist, btw). So her power over me in that department is gone.
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 15:21:50 GMT -5
I'll let you know in the AM - upon returning home tonight without my wedding ring on, one would hope something should happen, good or ill... Completely agree. I don't think I've heard an apology from mine, quite possibly ever. But demand one from me? Pretty much daily basis. And hell to pay if I don't. And usually hell to pay anyway because I don't and she will ask me "don't you think you need to apologize?" doesn't matter how small or trivial the alleged infraction is, she needs a sincere, deep, heartfelt apology each and every time or we are headed straight to argumentville. I dunno. I might enjoy a good fight. You might consider with an opening volley of, “Why did you marry someone who obviously does so wrong in your eyes on a daily basis that it requires an apology? Or do you simply need validation that you have all the right answers to everything?” Of course, she’ll demand an apology for that too!
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 15:16:57 GMT -5
...and I did it again. I suppose I need professional help. We received a package today (not unusual), and she asked what it might be (I wouldn’t know, she is the one ordering stuff), so I blurted out, “Awww... Did you order a toy for me?”
Must Stop
LOL!
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 15:13:28 GMT -5
... so I asked her if she would like some Ménage à Trois tonight, then felt I needed to apologize. Yes you do indeed need to apologize to her - for offering her a glass from a bottle of swill. Jeez Brian, at least buy her some decent wine. 😆 Always open to suggestions. I’m not a wine connoisseur, and when you’re stuck in a grocery store, you have limited choices. I have learned, however, that price is totally unrelated to taste, so we try lots of wines. She like LaCrema (and I got a bottle of that too), but she says Pinot Grigio, so I get a few examples. NEVER worth a $40 bottle of wine though.
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Post by brian on Dec 10, 2017 14:17:04 GMT -5
I posted on another thread about my roomie feeling "pressure" from me about sex. I reposted that below. Long story short, I vowed to simply not mention, allude to, or make any gestures that might have any sexual connotation. Why? Simply to feed my perverse need to know how long before she noticed or made a comment. Well, I have to say that I failed last night... after 9 days of ZERO sexual anything, something that was said I couldn't simply let it slide because my humorous ironic side just burst out.
Right before Thanksgiving, my roomie asked me to pick up some wine to replenish our dwindling stock of white wine, so I went shopping. I picked out a few bottles, brought them home, and put them away in the pantry. Fast forward to this past week, and I put the last of those bottles in the refrigerator to chill. Roomie pulls it out last night and comments on the label... Ménage à Trois... so I asked her if she would like some Ménage à Trois tonight, then felt I needed to apologize. She asked why I needed to apologize, so I explained that it was because I didn't want to pressure her. I got a look and a "haha" out of her.
I just couldn't let the opportunity pass.
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Post by brian on Dec 8, 2017 18:35:24 GMT -5
Before I found EP, I would gladly take duty or starfish sex. There was a time that if that was offered, it might have sustained me another decade before I figured out how fucked up the relationship really was. Once I found this group, my eyes were opened and I strted seeing the truth. Duty sex sucks, and at this point I would rather fuck a stranger who wants to fuck me than my roomie who has no desire to fuck at all.
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