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Post by northstarmom on Jun 25, 2019 14:13:59 GMT -5
Okiedude said: “ I just ache for a friend sometimes. I have tried church and doing things with some of my "friends" My W won't do anything and then I get grief that I am not spending enough time with the kids..... I love my kids I spend as much time as possible with them. I spend as much time with my W as possible..... Sometimes I just want to talk to a buddy male or female, tell them my woes.”
It’s healthy to have some friendships outside of your family. Doing something once a week — some kind of hobby, perhaps a professional meeting or volunteer work or a spiritual group or exercise class — without your family would give you a chance to make friends and would make you a more interesting person. That 2-3 hours a week could also make you happier.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 25, 2019 10:20:45 GMT -5
Homeless said: “I'd love another baby, I love my wife and I'm still in love with her, I just want a complete marriage. Other than this topic, she's cool, clever and funny and I certainly couldn't be bothered with a patchwork Jerry Springer array of "baby mothers", paying for multiple houses and coordinating alternating weekend distant visits, so I accept I'm either having this child or no more children.”
Divorcing and eventually marrying and having a child with a sexually compatible woman is not the same as a “Jerry Springer array of baby mamas.”
Life is not as black and white as you imagine nor are your choices.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 24, 2019 7:28:09 GMT -5
If she has vaganismus, sex is extremely painful for her. I recently read a Huffpost article by a woman with that condition who until recently thought sex was always painful for women. There is a cure but first the woman has to be informed that her pain is abnormal and can be relieved. Otherwise, it’s very understandable why she would avoid sex. It’s also understandable she’d want it to end quickly. Link to the article: m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_5bfec73ee4b075d28760a49d/amp“The first time I had sex that involved sticking a penis in me was painful. Not just painful ― absolutely excruciating. To be honest, we couldn’t even get it in all the way, and I ended up both laughing and crying because that’s how it’s supposed to be the first time, right? But it was just as painful the second. And the third. And the 20th. And so on.”
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2019 21:24:40 GMT -5
Baz, did you forget your password? Why did you register under a new name?
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2019 19:46:25 GMT -5
“I bet there are several people on this forum that wish their refuser would "move out." I am one of them and my W said she was looking for a place but it was all bluff.”
Why wait for your refuser when you yourself could file and thus put the divorce in motion?
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2019 16:48:06 GMT -5
Bear said: “These women don't get that their refusals hit us the same way it would hit them if every day we told them, "you're just too ugly to fuck!"
They don’t care how you feel. Why stay with a spouse who doesn't give a damn about you except for what you do for them?
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 22, 2019 16:07:34 GMT -5
“To Sadkat, esp. when a man's member stops working right, the need to get off doesn't go away. Sometimes it intensifies! It's just more difficult (and more embarrassing) to try to get it in the right place. But most of us can still get aroused enough to come, and can even do so with a "limp willy". In such a sitch, an understanding spouse would make all the diff in the world, but they seem to be rare as unicorns. (If they weren't so rare, this forum wouldn't exist.) Masturbating together is not as satisfying as sex, but it's better than what you describe....”
From what I’ve heard, the majority of men have some ED as they age. Also, as men age, they need hand or mouth stimulation to get hard. I learned this from books about sex and from women of mature age who like sex. Men who have major ED problems and like sex seek medical attention. Women who are with aging men and like sex include hand or oral stimulation of the man as part of foreplay.
Men and women who aren’t particularly fond of sex use the man’s ED problems as a reason to end sex permanently. I doubt that most men and women are like this, just the partners of the type of people who come here. If one is refused for such reasons it’s your choice about whether to seek a more willing and capable partner.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 21, 2019 20:05:01 GMT -5
“I tried recently to share my pain with him a bit, thinking we could connect and maybe make this easier for both of us.”
Don’t expect the person whom you are divorcing to be your shoulder to cry on. You are the one causing the other pain. You can’t also comfort each other.
Turn to friends who’ve been through divorce, a divorce support group or a therapist experienced with helping people who are divorcing.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 21, 2019 10:37:12 GMT -5
Missma said: “But I always felt that sex for him was a chore not something that he fully allows himself to fully get into.”
You can’t change him. Nor can he change his interest in sex with you. You two are not sexually compatible. It’s up to you whether that’s a dealbreaker but The Talk, begging, attempting to seduce, etc. won’t change him. BTDT. I’m now 6 years out of my 34 year marriage and with a man who loves me as I experience love.
If your man’s low desire bothered him, he’d be running to get medical help. You wouldn’t have to beg him.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 17, 2019 18:28:08 GMT -5
Flashjohn said:”You will not regret the child, but you will regret the lost years.”
He may very well resent the child especially if after that pregnancy occurs his wife completely shuts off affection to him and gives all of her love to the children.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 17, 2019 7:52:44 GMT -5
Talk to a lawyer before you make any decisions. In my former state, a longterm marriage is 10 years or longer and that impacts alimony and how assets are split.
Do you really want to go 17 years without sex? Trust the experiences of many here: if sex is sparse before one has the kids one’s refuser wants it becomes nil after they have the kids they want. Don’t fool yourself that you can fill your needs with friends with benefits after the sex ends. That’s probable wishful thinking and may lead to an explosive divorce.
And what if your child is special needs? That may tie you to your wife longer.
What if twins result?
Having a second child under your circumstances sounds like guaranteeing yourself a longer period of misery and frustration.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 16, 2019 18:04:32 GMT -5
Learning something new as one ages is a good way to make friends, be interesting, expand one’s world, and keep one’s brain from deteriorating. I’ve been studying Spanish for several years even though learning languages is hard for me. I’m seeing progress even though I doubt i’ll ever be fluent.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 16, 2019 17:16:57 GMT -5
Worksforme;:”Retiring to another country is something I have often thought about. But I just can't make the numbers work. My home and property is paid for as are my vehicles. Basically I have no debt. When I tally the insurance, utilities, taxes and maintenance costs I come up with an average of between $600 and $650 a month. So far I haven't found any country in the world where I can have a residence with all the amenities as mine does at a cost anywhere remotely close to what it costs me to be here..”
You’d sell your house and your vehicles and most of your other belongings. Put that money in some kind of an investment fund that gives you income. Then move to a place like Ecuador, Mexico, Thailand or Panama where your money would go a long way and the lifestyle would be less stressful. Another option: for the money you get for your house, you could probably buy or rent a much nicer rental place abroad and have money left over.
Think, too, whether you really need all of the material things you have.
International Living magazine has a lot of info about comparison costs of various countries that could be good places to retire to.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 16, 2019 13:14:21 GMT -5
“I feel bad at times for having an issue with no intimacy or sex because our relationship is good otherwise. ”
But when you got married you weren’t making a commitment to be good roommates. You wouldn’t have married her if she had told you she’d just be your roommate and good friend.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 15, 2019 12:04:35 GMT -5
Post sm lover says his mom was a sexual woman who enjoyed men and looking sexy. He said that because his mom obviously enjoyed sex he sought out women who enjoyed sex and he didn’t think less of them for enjoying sex. He thought more of them because they were sexual. As a teen before he ever had had sex he heard older guys talking about how great they felt when their lovers climaxed during sex. He vowed to be that kind of lover. He is an amazing lover.
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