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Post by northstarmom on Sept 9, 2019 13:44:13 GMT -5
“ northstarmom did you find that there was a moment when the "happier alone" entered your life. I had an odd epiphany second this morning, where I simply didn't just think it but felt it. "Alone would be better".
Unfortunately we're building a house so maybe a plan is gelling in my mind. Finish the house...then go. First time I've ever felt that way but we're under a lot of stress. Maybe that's the right mix of emotions for realizing that we're about done.”
Yes, after I’d spent several years developing friendships and interests separate from my husband I realized I did not want to be around him at all, I didn’t want him to accompany me to my activities. I didn’t want to engage in conversation with him. I dreaded the sound of his car pulling into our driveway. I was bored with his conversation and didn’t want to share my interests and thoughts with him.
I realized I’d be happier living alone in a studio apartment than remaining with him in my dream house. At that point I decided to divorce him. I did and have never regretted doing so.
When I decided to divorce I had no one waiting in the wings for me. While I did end up finding a partner whom I have no been happily with 6 years I had decided to divorce because I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than being alone in a miserable marriage.
Your building a house with your ex doesn’t mean you can’t divorce him. But if one is not ready to divorce, any excuse will do.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 7, 2019 6:34:47 GMT -5
Life has no guarantees. Stay unless you believe you’d be happier alone than with your refuser. Still, it’s wise to also live your life in a way that would allow you to take care of yourself and have some kind of social life should you outlive your refuser.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 6, 2019 21:16:16 GMT -5
Lessingham: What is your wife’s medical problem?
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 5, 2019 8:05:36 GMT -5
How do you get a life? You stop spending your time only with your partner. You venture out alone and do things: volunteer with groups that interest you, go to Meet-ups, take classes that interest you, join and use a gym, go to coffee shops, and movies alone and smile st strangers and engage them in conversation.
Read books about making friends and small talk. Follow their advice.
Move out of the bedroom you’ve been sharing with your refuser. Make your new space a comfortable place for you.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 4, 2019 21:32:39 GMT -5
One attempt and that was successful.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 22, 2019 12:40:56 GMT -5
Why did you bother giving a back massage?
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 15, 2019 4:10:38 GMT -5
2019 said: “Firstly there seems a consensus that we all just want to know the truth, good or bad, that we never get closure or answers why. ”
Answers don’t bring closure. Closure is a gift you give yourself when you decide to focus on living your most fulfilling life regardless of your refuser. I never learned why my now ex refused. I no longer care.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 14, 2019 7:27:36 GMT -5
Lessingham said: “Fear of living in a bedsit, eating junk food. Like a student but without the future.”
What will happen if your wife predeceases you? If you become chronically ill, your wife has told you she’ll dump you in a facility.
If you leave your wife, it will be your choice about whether you hole up like a hermit. And, as someone pointed out, students may be impoverished but live active lives that typically include fun and sex.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 14, 2019 7:21:59 GMT -5
2019 said: “Everyone talks about their partners lack of interest in sex generally, asexual, etc but it seem that it's just as plausible they have a healthy sex drive, maybe cheating, taking care of themselves and just don't want sex with you. I know the it's so much easier to accept that they have a low/no libido as the other possibility would be soul destroying. ””
Very true. Accepting that one’s spouse doesn’t have and never will have any sexual interest in you puts the ball in your court. Then it’s up to you whether to stay in or exit your hopelessly SM. Leaving doesn’t guarantee a hot sex life but it does allow you to avoid the soul shattering reality of not being desired by your mate.
I was 61, married 34 years when I divorced. The last time my refuser ex had seen me naked, he had walked into our bedroom when I was changing. His response? He blurted, “Excuse me” and walked out.
I never learned why he became sexually averse to me. I stopped why chasing years ago and no longer care.
I’ve now been in s 6 year relationship with a sexy guy whose eyes light up when he sees my naked body. While this ending isn’t guaranteed if you leave your sm, for many it’s better to be single and celibate than married and refused.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 13, 2019 8:40:01 GMT -5
Jmx said: “ I had a weekend off. Of course. We had to go on the boat. I feel like it’s obligatory on my off days... “
Why should you be obliged to go in the boat on your weekends off? Your husband bored you to tears. Why do you feel you have to spend your rare free weekend on the boat with him?
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 12, 2019 21:22:51 GMT -5
Lessingham: “ zing do love her and I do believe in osmosis, if I desire her hard enough, it will seep into her soul.”
Has there ever been someone who was besotted with you but you had no sexual interest in? You can’t love or lust someone into lusting after or loving you. You may be able to get them to marry or live with you but it will be a one sided relationship like what you have.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 8, 2019 15:37:09 GMT -5
“I dont recommend moving out of the bedroom. I would suggest kicking them out instead if you want to sleep alone. Tell them its a matrimonial bed and room, and if they choose not to partake, they should leave. This gives you agency.”
Moving out of the shared bedroom IMO gives the refuser more agency. Their decision doesn’t rest on their refuser’s cooperation. By moving into another room the refused also would no longer be surrounded by memories of their disappointing nights with their refuser.
“Fuck me or move out of the bedroom” sounds like trying to force the refuser to fuck you. Moving out yourself is simply reflecting the truth: you are roommates, not lovers.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 8, 2019 13:28:21 GMT -5
Heathcliff said: “I wonder sometimes if I just picked the wrong woman. I knew i was not her type physically from shortly after we started dating. Emotionally we connected, but there was always a bit of a disconnect sexually.”
Yes, you picked the wrong woman. She’d be a great friend but isn’t the right pick for your wife.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 8, 2019 10:41:43 GMT -5
Lessingham: “I try very hard each year and she just turns up. I know a lot of women brindle at the idea of having to have sex on birthdays, anniversaries and festive dates.”
Why do you bother creating any celebration when she gives nothing back? You have nothing worth celebrating. You are miserable in the marriage. At least if you skipped creating a celebration of something that makes you miserable you’d live your truth. Your wife may complain. So what?
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 6, 2019 10:34:14 GMT -5
Backing up what apocrypha said, here’s what the Centers for Diseas control says; “HPV is a very common virus that can be spread from one person to another person through anal, vaginal, or oral sex, or through other close skin-to-skin touching during sexual activity. 79 million Americans, most in their late teens and early 20s, are infected with HPV. Nearly all sexually active people who do not get the HPV vaccine get infected with HPV at some point in their lives. It is important to understand that getting HPV is not the same thing as getting HIV or HSV (herpes).”
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