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Post by heathcliff on May 27, 2019 8:43:02 GMT -5
I posted in the Introduction thread on the Welcome board, but didn't want to get lost in there. Mods should feel free to move this wherever they want.
Us: late 40's, married, kids. Marriage is pretty good except for sex.
We are mostly sexless marriage for 20 years with periodic bursts of activity. We are completely sexless for over 4 years. She started the current dry spell, and I realized I didn't miss sex that much and waited to see if she would ever bring it up. Months turned into years.
We recently had another "talk". I told her that I didn't need to have sex with her, and asked her if she simply didn't want to have sex. I actually offered her a wide range of sexual choices, including open marriage, some other things, and "no sex". Not surprisingly, she wouldn't make a decision, but we spent most of our time talking in the area of "no sex".
She should have gotten the message that I can do without sex when I didn't even bring sex up during the current 4 year dry spell. Her reaction to me when I finally brought up the dry spell was to blame me for not being nicer to her, the same response she has had every time I bring the topic up for the last 20 years, which included bringing up inconsequential generalities since she rarely has any specifics. I told her I was not a seal and I do not perform for treats. I also told her that if she simply doesn't want to have sex with me, just say so, and that this is something she should have told me a long time ago. She said "but that isn't fair for you", and I told her that there was nothing less interesting sexually for me than her having sex with me because it was "fair for me". I am sure lots of you have had that talk.
My question is: has anyone in a sexless marriage ever gotten the vibe that their spouse is cheating on them? Right before the dry spell started was probably as sexually active as we had been since we got married. We were experimenting a little with fantasies, which she seemed to like a lot, which makes the dry spell seem stranger. There are periodic gaps in her days (multi-hour shopping trips, working late or after work appointments that seem to happen more frequently than they should) that I don't push her about, but start to add up.
Not sure what I do next.
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Post by ironhamster on May 27, 2019 9:58:12 GMT -5
...My question is: has anyone in a sexless marriage ever gotten the vibe that their spouse is cheating on them? Right before the dry spell started was probably as sexually active as we had been since we got married. We were experimenting a little with fantasies, which she seemed to like a lot, which makes the dry spell seem stranger. There are periodic gaps in her days (multi-hour shopping trips, working late or after work appointments that seem to happen more frequently than they should) that I don't push her about, but start to add up.
Not sure what I do next.
Yes. I wondered if my spouse was cheating on me. She was getting her Masters an hour away, and I was working long hours. Her last year, we had sex on Sunday, June 14, about 10am. That was the conception date for our first. There was nothing on either side of it for weeks. I wondered through the whole pregnancy if the baby was mine. It was. I can't say your situation is the same, but, mine was just not sexually attracted to me unless she needed to get married or procreate.
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Post by northstarmom on May 27, 2019 10:17:44 GMT -5
heathcliff said: "..My question is: has anyone in a sexless marriage ever gotten the vibe that their spouse is cheating on them? Right before the dry spell started was probably as sexually active as we had been since we got married. We were experimenting a little with fantasies, which she seemed to like a lot, which makes the dry spell seem stranger. There are periodic gaps in her days (multi-hour shopping trips, working late or after work appointments that seem to happen more frequently than they should) that I don't push her about, but start to add up.
Not sure what I do next. "
I got that vibe and it ended up that my husband, then aged 62, thought that he had fathered a child in the Phillipines. The child was a toddler. My husband had had prostate surgery a year before that child was fathered, and that surgery made him sterile, sexually functional, but sterile. He was foolish enough to think he'd fathered that child. I required DNA testing in my divorce settlement. The child -- that he had been secretly supporting to the tune of $300 a month -- was not his.
Whether or not your wife is having an affair, you can choose to divorce her. What you choose to do is up to you. Since there's no guarantee of finding a partner after divorcing, my advice is to divorce only if you feel that you'd be happier being single than remaining in the marriage. That's how I made the decision to divorce. I did end up with a partner, but I'd still prefer being single than being wtih my ex husband.
Also include financial considerations in your decision about whether to divorce. See a lawyer. Find out what you'd likely get and lose in a divorce. I knew my standard of living would drastically decrease, but I also knew I'd be happier living alone in a rented room than remaining with my husband in my dream house.
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Post by baza on May 27, 2019 18:07:29 GMT -5
Lets assume something Brother heathcliff . Let's assume she IS cheating, and you know it to be fact. That would probably have you questioning whether to continue to be married to her or not. Just as you would be considering whether to stay married to her if there was some other dealbreaker behaviour in play - like a gambling habit or wild overspending or any one of a multitude of potential "whys". In my deal, my missus may have been cheating on me, I dunno whether she was or not, and I didn't even check that out in any depth. That wasn't the issue. The problem was NOT what she may (or may not) have been doing outside of the marriage - rather, the problem was what she was NOT doing within the marriage. She was not behaving as a life partner behaves. There was no "us", just two co-habitators with very different versions of what a marriage was. That, is what drove our deal into the ditch .... fundamental incompatibility. Whether she was cheating or not was a bit of a side-bar that didn't particularly matter (tho' I must admit that if I'd found out she was cheating as well, I would have been even more pissed off) There comes a time in ILIASM deals when the "why" no longer matters. It just "is what it is". And that leaves you with some very confronting choices in front of you. Suggestion - Like northstarmom (above) says - see a lawyer and establish how a divorce would shake out for you. Getting that advice commits you to precisely nothing, but it is critical information you need to know if you are to make a fully informed choice about your way forward.
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Post by deadzone75 on May 29, 2019 12:15:13 GMT -5
I posted in the Introduction thread on the Welcome board, but didn't want to get lost in there. Mods should feel free to move this wherever they want.
Us: late 40's, married, kids. Marriage is pretty good except for sex.
We are mostly sexless marriage for 20 years with periodic bursts of activity. We are completely sexless for over 4 years. She started the current dry spell, and I realized I didn't miss sex that much and waited to see if she would ever bring it up. Months turned into years.
We recently had another "talk". I told her that I didn't need to have sex with her, and asked her if she simply didn't want to have sex. I actually offered her a wide range of sexual choices, including open marriage, some other things, and "no sex". Not surprisingly, she wouldn't make a decision, but we spent most of our time talking in the area of "no sex".
She should have gotten the message that I can do without sex when I didn't even bring sex up during the current 4 year dry spell. Her reaction to me when I finally brought up the dry spell was to blame me for not being nicer to her, the same response she has had every time I bring the topic up for the last 20 years, which included bringing up inconsequential generalities since she rarely has any specifics. I told her I was not a seal and I do not perform for treats. I also told her that if she simply doesn't want to have sex with me, just say so, and that this is something she should have told me a long time ago. She said "but that isn't fair for you", and I told her that there was nothing less interesting sexually for me than her having sex with me because it was "fair for me". I am sure lots of you have had that talk.
My question is: has anyone in a sexless marriage ever gotten the vibe that their spouse is cheating on them? Right before the dry spell started was probably as sexually active as we had been since we got married. We were experimenting a little with fantasies, which she seemed to like a lot, which makes the dry spell seem stranger. There are periodic gaps in her days (multi-hour shopping trips, working late or after work appointments that seem to happen more frequently than they should) that I don't push her about, but start to add up.
Not sure what I do next.
In my SM, I wish I could say I think my wife is cheating. In that case you know two things: she does like sex, and there at least may be a chance to work through things. You simply can't "fix" someone who doesn't like sex. But in your case, it sounds like she was enjoying the exploration before she shut down. Maybe she wants an open marriage but doesn't want to say the words. My wife has no trouble telling me she doesn't like sex.
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Post by h on May 30, 2019 6:28:24 GMT -5
I posted in the Introduction thread on the Welcome board, but didn't want to get lost in there. Mods should feel free to move this wherever they want.
Us: late 40's, married, kids. Marriage is pretty good except for sex.
We are mostly sexless marriage for 20 years with periodic bursts of activity. We are completely sexless for over 4 years. She started the current dry spell, and I realized I didn't miss sex that much and waited to see if she would ever bring it up. Months turned into years.
We recently had another "talk". I told her that I didn't need to have sex with her, and asked her if she simply didn't want to have sex. I actually offered her a wide range of sexual choices, including open marriage, some other things, and "no sex". Not surprisingly, she wouldn't make a decision, but we spent most of our time talking in the area of "no sex".
She should have gotten the message that I can do without sex when I didn't even bring sex up during the current 4 year dry spell. Her reaction to me when I finally brought up the dry spell was to blame me for not being nicer to her, the same response she has had every time I bring the topic up for the last 20 years, which included bringing up inconsequential generalities since she rarely has any specifics. I told her I was not a seal and I do not perform for treats. I also told her that if she simply doesn't want to have sex with me, just say so, and that this is something she should have told me a long time ago. She said "but that isn't fair for you", and I told her that there was nothing less interesting sexually for me than her having sex with me because it was "fair for me". I am sure lots of you have had that talk.
My question is: has anyone in a sexless marriage ever gotten the vibe that their spouse is cheating on them? Right before the dry spell started was probably as sexually active as we had been since we got married. We were experimenting a little with fantasies, which she seemed to like a lot, which makes the dry spell seem stranger. There are periodic gaps in her days (multi-hour shopping trips, working late or after work appointments that seem to happen more frequently than they should) that I don't push her about, but start to add up.
Not sure what I do next.
In my SM, I wish I could say I think my wife is cheating. In that case you know two things: she does like sex, and there at least may be a chance to work through things. You simply can't "fix" someone who doesn't like sex. But in your case, it sounds like she was enjoying the exploration before she shut down. Maybe she wants an open marriage but doesn't want to say the words. My wife has no trouble telling me she doesn't like sex. Mine has absolutely no interest in sex, but would never come out and say it out loud. Saying it out loud would be admitting that the marriage is not fixable and already dead. I know it's dead and she likely knows it too but she wouldn't ever admit it openly. She likes the lifestyle I have provided for her and wouldn't choose to give that up unless I was a complete asshole. At least your W is honest. You got that going for you.😀
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Post by worksforme2 on May 30, 2019 7:29:53 GMT -5
I never got the vibe that my 1st W was cheating on me. Though things had been a little mundane between us it caught me completely by surprise when she out of the blue announced she wanted a divorce. It wasn't until months later when I was cleaning out the house and disposing of old bills and statements that I learned of it. She had paid all the bills and generally managed the check book so I wasn't on top of the finances. Looking through old phone bills(prior to cell phones) and credit card statements I saw calls to motels in other states and charges to restaurants in those states. I knew there was no explanation other than she was spending time in other states when I wasn't home. Putting that together with how quickly she moved in with her boyfriend after we separated it was pretty clear she had been seeing him for some time while still married to me. I think women are much better at pulling off this sort of thing than men are.
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Post by flashjohn on May 30, 2019 11:45:38 GMT -5
My question is: has anyone in a sexless marriage ever gotten the vibe that their spouse is cheating on them? Right before the dry spell started was probably as sexually active as we had been since we got married. We were experimenting a little with fantasies, which she seemed to like a lot, which makes the dry spell seem stranger. There are periodic gaps in her days (multi-hour shopping trips, working late or after work appointments that seem to happen more frequently than they should) that I don't push her about, but start to add up.
Not sure what I do next.
My ExRefuser also told me MANY times that I was not "nice enough" for her to have sex with me. Reading that she told you that really brought back some bad memories for me.
I never got any indication that my ExRefuser was fucking anyone else, but I wish she had been. No one judges a person for ending a marriage for that reason, but a lot of people are judgemental about ending a celibate marriage. It is sad because refusing to fuck in marriage is just as bad as fucking someone else.
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Post by heathcliff on Jun 10, 2019 20:50:33 GMT -5
I never got the vibe that my 1st W was cheating on me. Though things had been a little mundane between us it caught me completely by surprise when she out of the blue announced she wanted a divorce. It wasn't until months later when I was cleaning out the house and disposing of old bills and statements that I learned of it. She had paid all the bills and generally managed the check book so I wasn't on top of the finances. Looking through old phone bills(prior to cell phones) and credit card statements I saw calls to motels in other states and charges to restaurants in those states. I knew there was no explanation other than she was spending time in other states when I wasn't home. Putting that together with how quickly she moved in with her boyfriend after we separated it was pretty clear she had been seeing him for some time while still married to me. I think women are much better at pulling off this sort of thing than men are. I have been doing some detective work (browser history, looking for evidence of online email accounts, cell phone bills) and I can come up with no evidence of her cheating on me. The gaps in the day are the only thing that I have noticed, but she may just be shopping like she claims to be. I have told her that she can do whatever she wants (open marriage to no sex), but she is evasive. There is a little bit of blaming it on me, but when I try to pin her down on what she wants, she will not give me a straight answer.
I think power is part of why she withheld sex, and when I stopped caring, she lost that power and I know she did not like it. Now that I have brought it up again, she thinks she has power, which she she would effectively surrender if she told me she just wasn't into sex. That would be giving up the game for her, and she won't do it. I may have to for both of us.
I have reached a point where I understand if she doesn't want to have sex with me, that is her choice to make, but she has to tell me that.
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Post by baza on Jun 10, 2019 21:23:08 GMT -5
Actually, she is under no obligation to "come clean" with you Brother heathcliff .... indeed if she doesn't see coming clean with you as being in her best long term interests then she almost certainly will not do so. There's just no incentive for her to be honest with you, if she wants the marriage to continue on its' present basis. Invariably in these ILIASM situations it is the refused spouse (you) who will have to chase this through to resolution, with or without her co-operation.
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Post by tirefire on Jun 11, 2019 5:01:49 GMT -5
My question is: has anyone in a sexless marriage ever gotten the vibe that their spouse is cheating on them? Right before the dry spell started was probably as sexually active as we had been since we got married. We were experimenting a little with fantasies, which she seemed to like a lot, which makes the dry spell seem stranger. There are periodic gaps in her days (multi-hour shopping trips, working late or after work appointments that seem to happen more frequently than they should) that I don't push her about, but start to add up.
Not sure what I do next.
My ExRefuser also told me MANY times that I was not "nice enough" for her to have sex with me. Reading that she told you that really brought back some bad memories for me.
I never got any indication that my ExRefuser was fucking anyone else, but I wish she had been. No one judges a person for ending a marriage for that reason, but a lot of people are judgemental about ending a celibate marriage. It is sad because refusing to fuck in marriage is just as bad as fucking someone else.
Yup, our relationship including sex was all my fault for not being nicer, not acting the right way. It stings reading that, I didn't know it would.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 3, 2019 3:26:19 GMT -5
People will judge no matter what you do. Make yourself happy and you'll have some joy to share with others.
The day will come when living a lie makes no sense, probably, and then you'll file, if she doesn't file first.
The why doesn't matter either. Only the what.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 3, 2019 9:45:52 GMT -5
Uggh maybe if she had sex you’d be nicer!
That’s an excuse I’m sure you were plenty nice. That’s a lame excuse. I would continue the talk and force her to make a choice of either she is wanting to have sex with you or you will find someone that does. Nobody gets married and plans to live as a monk or nun.
If she is not interested in your sexuality then your sexuality is none of her business.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 3, 2019 14:53:04 GMT -5
My ExRefuser also told me MANY times that I was not "nice enough" for her to have sex with me. Reading that she told you that really brought back some bad memories for me.
I never got any indication that my ExRefuser was fucking anyone else, but I wish she had been. No one judges a person for ending a marriage for that reason, but a lot of people are judgemental about ending a celibate marriage. It is sad because refusing to fuck in marriage is just as bad as fucking someone else.
Yup, our relationship including sex was all my fault for not being nicer, not acting the right way. It stings reading that, I didn't know it would. My friend, I finally realized that there was no way that everything that happened in 28 years could be all my fault.
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Post by Handy on Jul 3, 2019 19:46:24 GMT -5
Tirefire Yup, our relationship including sex was all my fault for not being nicer, not acting the right way.
I get the same thing and that I am an angry controlling man that is lazy.
I told my W I am done with her opinions and I work many hours a day while she watches TV most of the day. She claimed she does more than I do. :eyeroll: I suppose I just accept her delusional thinking for a fairy-tale and don't buy into it or anymore or offer my counter opinion. Yes, my W is correct, her opinions go in one ear and out the other, for me.
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