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Post by homeless on Jun 16, 2019 23:22:48 GMT -5
As with many here, I periodically have the talk, which invariably ends in the same tears and defensive accusations. The odd reset sex. It's not as bad as some; 10 minutes of mannequin sex every 2 or 3 months.
I feel similar rejection and hopelessness, but I love my baby son and, frankly would endure hot poker torture not to be millimetre further from him than necessary. Another baby is being planned. I'd love another baby, I love my wife and I'm still in love with her, I just want a complete marriage. Other than this topic, she's cool, clever and funny and I certainly couldn't be bothered with a patchwork Jerry Springer array of "baby mothers", paying for multiple houses and coordinating alternating weekend distant visits, so I accept I'm either having this child or no more children.
So here's the question: I'm going nowhere for at least another 17 years anyway, why shouldn't I have another baby?
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 17, 2019 1:32:01 GMT -5
Be aware of the laws in your area.
Seventeen years more. Add that to, let's say, three years before the kids, and your marriage is twenty years long. In Illinois, a twenty year marriage is punative against the wage earner.
Talk to a lawyer, and be aware that laws change, but get advice on what to do to mitigate risk and reduce financial damage. Make sure your wife works, and avoid making much more than she does, and be sure to ferry the kids around to school and the doctor so that you appear as the primary parent where such things are documented.
My ex of a twenty-five year marriage, who resisted working outside the home and could fill a closet as fast as she could drain a bank account, gets 30% of my gross for life.
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Post by Handy on Jun 17, 2019 1:49:31 GMT -5
Another child now might be OK for a while but most people resent it after a few years and wish they could go back to the way it was. It generally brings more resentments in the future.
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Post by baza on Jun 17, 2019 2:10:06 GMT -5
"So here's the question: I'm going nowhere for at least another 17 years anyway, why shouldn't I have another baby?"Here's a rebuttal arguement for you Brother homeless . Having a kid throws extra strain on a relationship and brings out any fundamental problems in the marriage. You are already experiencing this with one kid. Plus a missus who seems to have a very entitled attitude and calls all the shots on the major life issues (such as how many kids, how much sex there'll be and so forth) and you do not appear to even get a vote. You've seen how letting your missus unilaterally run the show so far has worked out .... it reads like you are eyeing off an exit strategy, albeit, a very long range one. I think there are some vital and fundamental problems in your deal as it stands right now. I reckon you need to sort those things out as a priority, and it would seem highly inadvisable to bring another kid into the deal at least until such time as those issues are resolved. PS - here's the arithmetic arguement. (a) - you impregnate her tonight 18th June 2019 (b) - the kid is born app 18th March 2020 (c) - kid is 18 on March 2038 .... that's 19 years away
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 17, 2019 2:44:11 GMT -5
It is possible to make the argument that you already have one, so, what's one more? You are looking at a seventeen year plan, so you already know the marriage is doomed. A couple years on the tail end as you notice yourself getting older and yearning for what you have been cheated out of is going to become the worst years of your life, followed closely by the previous seventeen.
What other options are there?
Perhaps, pull the plug after the second is born and the wife is able to work again. So, you have two kids, child support for two, and a short burst of alimony.
Perhaps, avoid the second and pull the plug and your STBX can go back to work, now. You will pay less in child support and hopefully less in alimony. Maybe you can find a better woman and have a family with her.
In my case, my refuser was ready to quit after the first. I talked her into a second. But, I never faced our problems head on for lack of understanding. You have knowledge about what challenges you are facing. In retrospect, if I had left that mess early and started over with a woman that was actually attracted to me, I believe I would have ended up with at least as many kids if not more, and a much more fulfilling life.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 17, 2019 7:35:50 GMT -5
Don't do it. If you ever decide you've had enough and want to leave, your stuck paying child support for 2 kids instead of one. I made that mistake.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 17, 2019 7:52:44 GMT -5
Talk to a lawyer before you make any decisions. In my former state, a longterm marriage is 10 years or longer and that impacts alimony and how assets are split.
Do you really want to go 17 years without sex? Trust the experiences of many here: if sex is sparse before one has the kids one’s refuser wants it becomes nil after they have the kids they want. Don’t fool yourself that you can fill your needs with friends with benefits after the sex ends. That’s probable wishful thinking and may lead to an explosive divorce.
And what if your child is special needs? That may tie you to your wife longer.
What if twins result?
Having a second child under your circumstances sounds like guaranteeing yourself a longer period of misery and frustration.
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Post by 2019change on Jun 17, 2019 9:56:48 GMT -5
So she's willing to have sex so you can have a baby but not to secure a happy marriage. You get occasional sex now, well let me tell you after the second is born the pretense will be dropped and sex will be completely off the table.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 17, 2019 10:26:53 GMT -5
Shoot, if your going to stay, go get a vasectomy without telling her and enjoy baby making sex for a while.
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Post by Handy on Jun 17, 2019 11:21:17 GMT -5
Homeless, please take what is offered here as seriously very good advice. I have read several relationship forums and this is the most balanced forum that dispenses reasonable and kind advice. It is also possible that you take no advice and the members will still support you.
There is a wealth of very good information on ILIASM.
I like Hopingforachange last post.
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Post by sadkat on Jun 17, 2019 13:23:50 GMT -5
I don’t believe that dishonesty is a good strategy. An honest and open conversation explaining the reasons why bringing another child into the family under the current relationship dynamic would not be a good idea. Some reasons that come to mind: The negative impact the lack of intimacy has on you and the potential impact this may have in the future for your children. The resentment that will surely build as time goes by and there is no change. The absence of affection between mom and dad will surely be noticed by the children. If something comes to a head during the 17 years you are considering staying in the marriage, how will you handle it? Supporting one child will be hard enough.
I’m sure others on this forum can think of a lot more reasons. I agree that you should carefully consider this before giving your wife what she wants.
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Post by flashjohn on Jun 17, 2019 16:46:46 GMT -5
Please don't have another child. You will not regret the child, but you will regret the lost years.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 17, 2019 16:49:15 GMT -5
I should add, with our first pregnancy, we started having sex with noticeably more frequency. It was not a lot, but much more than before, once she knew she was indeed pregnant. I theorized that the pressure was off and now she could relax and enjoy sex.
We had a long dry spell between kids, as raising kids is stressful and as a new father I was understanding of that. Then, we tried for our second. The conception time was December 6 at about 10pm. Nothing on either side. Once we knew, I expected our frequency to increase, just like last time. It didn't. It vanished.
So, don't expect anything to get any better. Don't expect her to bond with sex. Don't expect her to like sex. Don't expect her to understand your desire for sex. Don't expect your need for sex to wane.
I know. The options are bleak. There are no good choices. There are, however, less bad and more bad choices, and they will make a big difference in your long term happiness.
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firefollower
Full Member
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Post by firefollower on Jun 17, 2019 17:11:05 GMT -5
I agree...sex after the second child for me took a nosedive.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 17, 2019 18:28:08 GMT -5
Flashjohn said:”You will not regret the child, but you will regret the lost years.”
He may very well resent the child especially if after that pregnancy occurs his wife completely shuts off affection to him and gives all of her love to the children.
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