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Post by northstarmom on Jul 3, 2019 13:07:43 GMT -5
lessingham, 3 questions - if you are willing to answer:
1. What are your reasons for sharing a bed with your naked refuser?
2. Specifically what changes have you made due to your 20 years of therapy?
3. What other ways would you like to change?
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 2, 2019 8:28:16 GMT -5
Furtive, secret masturbation in the toilet is how you have previously described getting off, lessingham: “My wife disapproves. The worst for me is watching porn on my phone in the toilet. I cannot have the sound on and the moment of pleasure has to be silent too. Pathetically sad.”
Why don’t you move out of your shared bedroom and sleep in a different room so at least you can jack off in more pleasant surroundings?
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 2, 2019 7:49:20 GMT -5
Lessingham, why do you choose to sleep with your naked refuser?
This is the kind of thing you need to explore in therapy, not your wife’s narratives about her life. Your actions contribute a great deal to your misery. If your individual therapist allows your to waste sessions by focusing on analyzing your wife, you need a therapist who will focus on what you can change: yourself.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 1, 2019 20:41:19 GMT -5
GC said: “By 8:00 the number grew from 5 to 8 people. Then 12, then 16, and so on.
My girlfriend and I sat outside to watch all the cars starting to arrive. With it came 3 to 4 teens per car with some carrying a case of beer!
My son came up to me twice and said " I'm sorry dad, I don't know any of these people". “
From what you have posted here, it is hard for you to know when and how set boundaries. That’s understandable considering the kind of marriage you are healing from. As you’ve now seen, kids from all over will flock to unsupervised parties and will bring alcohol and other drugs. They learn about such parties through social media. Literally hundreds of teens may show up.
Police could have decided that since you were present, literally seeing underage teens bringing booze into your house, you were an accomplice. You could have been charged. Also, such a setup could have led to alcohol poisoning, rape or accidents caused by drunk driving.
Your son’s coming to you twice and apologizing sounds like a cry for help. He wanted you to shut it down. He didn’t want to look uncool but wanted the party over. Your passivity while watching crowds of teens carrying booze into your home was implied consent to your son that you approved of such gatherings.
I am wondering whether your son, as was true of mine, is also into drugs. That could account for his behavior that was diagnosed as being bipolar. When my son was in jail, a psychiatrist diagnosed him as bipolar. The symptoms disappeared after he was off drugs. I used to work in the addictions field and knew counselors who were recovering addicts/alcoholics and and involved parents who had no idea their beloved kids living with them were addicted or alcoholic.
It might be helpful to attend a group like Al-Anon, which is for anyone whose life is affected by others’ drinking. Find one with parents dealing with their kids’ substance use.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 1, 2019 12:58:39 GMT -5
Everyone I know who has more than one offspring has had some major legal problem with one of their kids. This includes me. Most people however hide the info so others erroneously believe their kids are perfect.
When he was 20, my older son, then living 3,000 miles away after dropping out of college, became addicted to meth, lost his job, became homeless and delusional and ended up attempting to rob a deli (no weapon. He just said “Give me your money.”” Police come, tasedhim and took him to jail. Son later said he deliberately did something to get arrested because he was so paranoid he wanted to be locked up to prevent others from killing him.
FWIW while growing up, son had been so anti drugs that he thought that pot users should be jailed. He also had been nose to the grindstone worker at part time jobs he had in high school. He never partied. By his choice, he only worked and went to school.
Anyway, we did not bail him out but let a public defender handle it. We did tell the defender of son’s history of job and academic success. Son was in jail 5 months before his case went to court. He was offered prison or go to inpatient treatment at state expense, and if he got a job and had clean drug screens for 6 months after treatment, his record would be expunged.
Son fulfilled all requirements and even set a sales record in the marketing job he got. He is now 35, has had no further legal problems. He has been self supporting since getting out of jail. Only thing we did for him was give him a couple of hundred dollars to buy clothes so he could get a job.
I fully believe in setting boundaries and holding our kids responsible for their behavior. Btw a boundary we always had was kids couldn’t live with us rent free unless they were too ill to work or were fullltimev students. Unfortunately after that son dropped out of college and eventually lost the well paying full time job he’d gotten, he moved in with my childless SIL who — despite my then h and me- telling her to charge son rent, refused to do that. Son then took full advantage of that lak of boundaries.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 30, 2019 18:16:48 GMT -5
Worksforme said: “Adultery doesn't come into play. My attorney said that unless one was a habitual drug user, a repeat offender currently facing charges, or clearly someone of exceedingly low moral standards, the judges in my local didn't give weight to much else. ”
The adulterer’s guilt may lead them to make concessions they wouldn’t have otherwise.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 30, 2019 10:49:03 GMT -5
Lessingham said: “Plus my wife sleeps naked due to the heat. Another come on that is not a come on. Lots of visual triggers and no chance of release equals bad days and cold showers.”
Yet you choose to share a bed with your naked refuser.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 30, 2019 10:43:19 GMT -5
Consider that your refuser may believe that since you’ve been consenting to a sexless marriage, your remaining in the marriage is implied consent to your being celibate.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 29, 2019 11:07:24 GMT -5
Perhaps there is more hope for your future than you think. I have friends, for example, with lupus who have lived for decades with lupus and are single living active lives including working full time while in their late 50s or volunteering a lot while in their 80s.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 28, 2019 8:47:29 GMT -5
JMX, you have been patient and have tried through many ways to create the kind of marriage you want. Your husbabd’s Refusal to take the t shots that were increasing his sex drive proves that the 2 of you are not compatible when it comes to marriage. He also is indifferent to your pain about the lack of sex.
If you divorce, you would be completely free to find a compatible partner in real life.
As for your children, your leaving a sexually incompatible marriage could teach them that sexual compatibility is an important consideration for romantic relationships. That may keep them from experiencing the pain that you have experienced in your marriage. It would not be selfish of you to leave a marriage that consists of being roommates and coparenting.
From how you describe your marriage I wonder if your husband is with you because he highly valued the lifestyle your income allows and the gifts you give him. He doesn’t seem concerned about your happiness or having deep intimacy with you.
Are you in individual therapy? That could help you decide what to do. .
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 28, 2019 6:21:41 GMT -5
Your therapy is to figure yourself out and to help you live a happier life by changing the things under your control. Using your therapy to figure your wife out is a waste of time. If your therapist allows that you need a new therapist.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 27, 2019 8:39:16 GMT -5
One thing most of the refused don’t consider is that refusing may be part of their spouse’s exit plan. Another thing most refused don’t consider is that the decision to stay isn’t just up to them.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 25, 2019 22:17:02 GMT -5
My answer is the same as Handy’s.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 25, 2019 21:14:18 GMT -5
Boar said: “Lets face it, guys don't make friends the same way women do. My W can walk up to a total stranger and talk about anything!.”
I can do that only because I spent a couple of decades practicing, reading books about small talk, and observing the women and men who acted like they never met a stranger. It’s a skill you can cultivate.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 25, 2019 21:11:35 GMT -5
Lessingham said: “When I toddled off to university many decades ago, my dad told me to go to weekly mass, whether I believed or not. He said there was always a busybody and a gaggle of gossipers who would keep an eye on you and engage you in chat to pump details from you.”
Being the object of gossip by busybodies isn’t the same as cultivating friends. Participating in Bible study or a sports team or a board of an organization could lead to friendships.
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