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Post by JMX on Jun 27, 2019 23:10:38 GMT -5
Those of you that think that extramarital might get you through hell - should listen to this cautionary tale.
IPads and IPhones sync up.
JMX - you’re such a dumb ass - of course they do! L
True. JMX is smart in many things, but not all things.
So...
Daughters use my iPad. It only has WiFi at home. One draws on it - she’s a talented artist, the other contacts her friends on it through FaceTime and text. I leave it at home frequently because it is connected only to WiFi.
I, on a weekly occasion, text a friend I met through EP. sometimes naughty, sometimes helpful for our marriages, sometimes just idle talk.
The 10 year old was scrolling through texts to find her piano teacher’s texts and found this one. Despite my removing it before I got home, it somehow ends up on my iPad unless I consciously remove that too (I am sure it was my phone syncing to my iPad and me not erasing it before I hit the WiFi when I came home). Thank God it only showed the phone number and not the name....
Story goes - she showed it to my 16 year old. 16 year old confronts me when I get home (after acting weird for about 30 minutes). She asked me to tell her the truth. 🤮
I told her the truth. 🤢🤢🤢
I told her her father and I almost got divorced, this is why, I still talk to someone that is going through the same thing. Sometimes it is raunchy; and sometimes it is tame and sometimes, it is helpful to pass ideas to stay in the marriage.
She then told me she read the entire thread.
Oof.
She told me she appreciated my honesty and that that is what she guessed from reading it.
She asked if we have ever had physical contact. I told her the truth / No.
I told her the truth about “A” forum. About my sadness. She understood. We talked about how to approach it with the 10 year old.
“Mom, she’s too smart to brush over this - you have to tell her the truth.”
And she was right. I did but in a less- descriptive way. I told her I like attention and got it. “You know daddy and I were getting a divorce at one time. We stopped it, but I like attention.”
She said: “I know mommy - daddy would not get you a cupcake for your birthday. We told him that you wake us up with a cupcake - and even him! - on our birthdays. He would not get you one.”
Then she looked at me, disapproving, told me she forgave me but I needed to ask God for forgiveness.
I am agnostic but - Wrekt.
The worst week ever.
They both told me I need to tell their dad. Honestly, I told him three years ago in counseling and he was uninterested. I did not tell them that part. But I have already told him.
Most terrible week ever.
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Post by baza on Jun 28, 2019 1:09:28 GMT -5
I'm on record as saying I am not a fan of cheating (tho I must make it clear that I have done so myself) not on any moral basis, as I believe it is a perfectly valid option, but rather the propensity for it to spin things off in unpedictable directions and thus cause an unecessary mess. There's another reason too. That being that (IMHO) the vast majority of members here seem pretty straight up honest people, and they for the most part, don't have the necessary deviousness to successfully bring off a clandestine operation. In other words they don't often have the required skill set and mindset to keep it under wraps indefinitely. They are not very "good" at cheating. And that raises the chances of getting caught rather dramatically. Sorry you got "sprung" Sister JMX . Longer term it could actually be a good thing that this has happened. But today, in the short term, I'm feeling for you.
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Post by JMX on Jun 28, 2019 1:52:08 GMT -5
I'm on record as saying I am not a fan of cheating (tho I must make it clear that I have done so myself) not on any moral basis, as I believe it is a perfectly valid option, but rather the propensity for it to spin things off in unpedictable directions and thus cause an unecessary mess. There's another reason too. That being that (IMHO) the vast majority of members here seem pretty straight up honest people, and they for the most part, don't have the necessary deviousness to successfully bring off a clandestine operation. In other words they don't often have the required skill set and mindset to keep it under wraps indefinitely. They are not very "good" at cheating. And that raises the chances of getting caught rather dramatically. Sorry you got "sprung" Sister JMX . Longer term it could actually be a good thing that this has happened. But today, in the short term, I'm feeling for you. Yep. I got sprung. I guess I kind of feel okay that I have not done anything physical in the three years but not okay, because at times, it is my goal. I feel guilty because I think my transgression is worse because he is like a best friend. The only thing that gives me solace is that I was able to explain to them that people are flawed. Maybe they won’t be too hard on themselves in the future - but I secretly hope they are braver than I am.
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Post by lessingham on Jun 28, 2019 4:02:53 GMT -5
Just wondering why you did not get angry with your daughter for reading your private emails/texts?
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 28, 2019 6:17:10 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear about this, but it sounds like you are handling it well.
My youngest was fifteen when my shit hit the fan. I was able to explain my situation in a straightforward way she understood, but not in nearly as much detail as I could with my twenty year old.
My girlfriend's kids are just a hair younger, but, not understanding a sex drive or lack thereof, cannot understand what is going on. I have no idea how to explain any of that to a ten year old.
... maybe I do. Ten year olds like hugs. Can we draw a parallel there? Suppose she got into a relationship with someone that decided he did not like hugs, and stopped giving hugs, but hugs were something she liked and made her feel connected. What would she do about that? I think a ten year old could understand that sort of predicament.
All you were doing, essentially, was chatting about hugs of a sort.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 28, 2019 6:19:35 GMT -5
Just wondering why you did not get angry with your daughter for reading your private emails/texts? I suspect she is but would it have helped the situation at that moment? No, but now she knows to not use her apple account for messaging. I suggest any of the other dedicated private messaging accounts.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 28, 2019 7:32:34 GMT -5
Kik is perfect for this. Kik only allows one device to be logged in at a time. Every time you log out/in it erases your chat history.
If I am logged in on my phone, then log in on my tablet, all of the phone history is erased. So, even if someone hacks my password they cannot see conversations or pics exchanged.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 28, 2019 8:47:29 GMT -5
JMX, you have been patient and have tried through many ways to create the kind of marriage you want. Your husbabd’s Refusal to take the t shots that were increasing his sex drive proves that the 2 of you are not compatible when it comes to marriage. He also is indifferent to your pain about the lack of sex.
If you divorce, you would be completely free to find a compatible partner in real life.
As for your children, your leaving a sexually incompatible marriage could teach them that sexual compatibility is an important consideration for romantic relationships. That may keep them from experiencing the pain that you have experienced in your marriage. It would not be selfish of you to leave a marriage that consists of being roommates and coparenting.
From how you describe your marriage I wonder if your husband is with you because he highly valued the lifestyle your income allows and the gifts you give him. He doesn’t seem concerned about your happiness or having deep intimacy with you.
Are you in individual therapy? That could help you decide what to do. .
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Post by sadkat on Jun 28, 2019 9:42:47 GMT -5
Yikes! It sounds like you handled it the best you could. I can only imagine how stressful it must have been! This is a good example of being vulnerable and honest in expressing your feelings with your children. I think you’ll find a strengthening of your relationship with them down the road. Forgive yourself- you’ve learned a valuable lesson and will be more careful moving forward.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 28, 2019 9:49:43 GMT -5
Oof! My sympathies. But what is done is done.
Go easy on yourself and stay the course come what may.
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Post by flashjohn on Jun 28, 2019 12:09:01 GMT -5
Those of you that think that extramarital might get you through hell - should listen to this cautionary tale. IPads and IPhones sync up. JMX - you’re such a dumb ass - of course they do! L True. JMX is smart in many things, but not all things. So... Daughters use my iPad. It only has WiFi at home. One draws on it - she’s a talented artist, the other contacts her friends on it through FaceTime and text. I leave it at home frequently because it is connected only to WiFi. I, on a weekly occasion, text a friend I met through EP. sometimes naughty, sometimes helpful for our marriages, sometimes just idle talk. The 10 year old was scrolling through texts to find her piano teacher’s texts and found this one. Despite my removing it before I got home, it somehow ends up on my iPad unless I consciously remove that too (I am sure it was my phone syncing to my iPad and me not erasing it before I hit the WiFi when I came home). Thank God it only showed the phone number and not the name.... Story goes - she showed it to my 16 year old. 16 year old confronts me when I get home (after acting weird for about 30 minutes). She asked me to tell her the truth. 🤮 I told her the truth. 🤢🤢🤢 I told her her father and I almost got divorced, this is why, I still talk to someone that is going through the same thing. Sometimes it is raunchy; and sometimes it is tame and sometimes, it is helpful to pass ideas to stay in the marriage. She then told me she read the entire thread. Oof. She told me she appreciated my honesty and that that is what she guessed from reading it. She asked if we have ever had physical contact. I told her the truth / No. I told her the truth about “A” forum. About my sadness. She understood. We talked about how to approach it with the 10 year old. “Mom, she’s too smart to brush over this - you have to tell her the truth.” And she was right. I did but in a less- descriptive way. I told her I like attention and got it. “You know daddy and I were getting a divorce at one time. We stopped it, but I like attention.” She said: “I know mommy - daddy would not get you a cupcake for your birthday. We told him that you wake us up with a cupcake - and even him! - on our birthdays. He would not get you one.” Then she looked at me, disapproving, told me she forgave me but I needed to ask God for forgiveness. I am agnostic but - Wrekt. The worst week ever. They both told me I need to tell their dad. Honestly, I told him three years ago in counseling and he was uninterested. I did not tell them that part. But I have already told him. Most terrible week ever. So sorry. That really sucks.
Just delete all of your texts on the Ipad, and log it out of your Apple Account. There is no reason to be logged on there also.
If your girls ask anything else, tell them that your relationship is none of their business.
I told my daughters about 8 months before the divorce was final about my relationship with Kim. The oldest was very shocked and gave me a really hard time. And since she asked, I told her all about her mother's abuse of me, including telling me that my penis didn't even work anymore. I also told her that I was not going to be judged after I gave up 30 years of my life so they could have a somewhat normal childhood.
Of course, my daughters are adults, so I can be more direct with them.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 28, 2019 12:22:50 GMT -5
JMX so sorry. This sounds rough! Kudos to you for your honesty!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2019 13:41:13 GMT -5
Ugh, I feel for you. I have no sage advice or the perfect phrase to make it all better but there is something that stuck with me a few years ago. I was listening to a podcast and someone made the point that up to a certain age, our children see us a 2 dimensional creatures. They love us, we love them but we provide and we are there as something less than fully realized people.
I envy your mature handling of the situation and in showing them that all people (including Moms) have depth, heart, hopes, dreams and wants. You did good.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2019 13:51:52 GMT -5
On another note, please don't think of yourself as flawed. It's OK to want to be wanted. I had a similar emotional affair for about a year with a co-worker. We never did anything physical and I did have guilt but our conversations and, particularly, the way she looked at me was so welcome.
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Post by elynne on Jun 28, 2019 21:35:53 GMT -5
I'm on record as saying I am not a fan of cheating (tho I must make it clear that I have done so myself) not on any moral basis, as I believe it is a perfectly valid option, but rather the propensity for it to spin things off in unpedictable directions and thus cause an unecessary mess. There's another reason too. That being that (IMHO) the vast majority of members here seem pretty straight up honest people, and they for the most part, don't have the necessary deviousness to successfully bring off a clandestine operation. In other words they don't often have the required skill set and mindset to keep it under wraps indefinitely. They are not very "good" at cheating. And that raises the chances of getting caught rather dramatically. Sorry you got "sprung" Sister JMX . Longer term it could actually be a good thing that this has happened. But today, in the short term, I'm feeling for you. Yep. I got sprung. I guess I kind of feel okay that I have not done anything physical in the three years but not okay, because at times, it is my goal. I feel guilty because I think my transgression is worse because he is like a best friend. The only thing that gives me solace is that I was able to explain to them that people are flawed. Maybe they won’t be too hard on themselves in the future - but I secretly hope they are braver than I am. My therapist told me (when I apprehensively told her of a friendship that had blossomed into an affair) that it wasn’t at all surprising. In fact it makes a lot of sense. You are being deprived of a very basic human need and it is quite reasonable that you find a way to fill that need. What IS astounding is how long most of us go without intimacy before we finally break. And I had a similar experience 3 weeks ago. Divorce papers had just been signed. I had tucked the youngest (10 years old) into bed and was tucking our oldest in. She’s 12. She’d been having trouble sleeping and those nights I read to her and then lay beside her in bed and hold her until she falls asleep. I’d been laying beside her for 45 minutes and was certain she had fallen asleep. I was laying in bed next to her in the dark. Opened my phone to check messages and saw a text from my beau. I replied. It wasn’t graphic but it was definitely intimate and sexual. I heard gasping and crying. At first I thought my daughter was waking from a bad dream - but to my horror I realized that she had read my text. Fuck! Tried to calm her down. Stbx comes upstairs- and the whole affair came out in the open. NOT a good day. Ex asks our daughter “What’s wrong?” She gives me a look of horror. I struggled. My brain screaming ‘no no no no. This is not happening’ but managed to come out with the words “This is not T’s secret to keep. She happened to read a love note over my shoulder.” My ex surprised me with how he handled it with our daughter and I’m grateful to him for it. He hugged her and said “I’m not sad and I’m not upset that mama has someone new. In fact in makes me feel better. I’m more certain she’ll be ok.” I had a more serious conversation with my daughter the next day. I told her that I understood that last night was really upsetting, but there were a few things that were important for her to know. I told her that my relationship didn’t start until after her father and I had decided to divorce. That my friend was very loving and kind and was very good to me. I told her that I wasn’t going to give her lots of details, but if she had any questions now or in the future she could always ask and I’d do my best to answer. These things happen. I’m kicking myself for being careless and for causing unnecessary pain for my family. I wish I had been able to tell the children after I had moved out, after they had had a chance to adjust to the divorce. But something to think about- and I’m guilty of this too - do you see the big picture? You’re in a relationship with someone who blatantly disregards your needs. You’ve worked so hard to try to fix it, to find solutions, you are incredibly dedicated to saving your marriage. And your husband? How hard has he worked to better the relationship? How much interest and regard does he have for your feelings? He basically starves you of human connection. But then you become the bad guy for reaching out for validation? Don’t buy it. The way the kids found out was unfortunate. But the underlying problem was caused by your husband.
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