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Post by jamesbonding on Jun 29, 2019 2:16:06 GMT -5
To anyone contemplating an affair, I recommend being OPEN about it as much as possible. That avoids having to look over your shoulder all the time, covering your tracks, and worrying about getting caught. At one point, before I had anyone in particular in mind, I warned my wife that I might find a girlfriend. About 6 months later, I told my wife, twice, that I was preparing to divorce. Shortly thereafter, I told my wife, kids (17 years and older), parents and a few close friends that I was going to visit another woman in another state, and did so. Most of them knew my situation and took the announcement in stride. Wife, not so much. But I think visiting the other woman led to my wife and I getting back together again, so it's worked out ok. Certainly an improvement. I've chosen to stay for the last 9 years. I like ironhamster 's approach to discussing these things with younger children: "Ten year olds like hugs. Can we draw a parallel there? Suppose she got into a relationship with someone that decided he did not like hugs, and stopped giving hugs, but hugs were something she liked and made her feel connected. What would she do about that? I think a ten year old could understand that sort of predicament."
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Post by elynne on Jun 29, 2019 3:12:00 GMT -5
To anyone contemplating an affair, I recommend being OPEN about it as much as possible. That avoids having to look over your shoulder all the time, covering your tracks, and worrying about getting caught. At one point, before I had anyone in particular in mind, I warned my wife that I might find a girlfriend. About 6 months later, I told my wife, twice, that I was preparing to divorce. Shortly thereafter, I told my wife, kids (17 years and older), parents and a few close friends that I was going to visit another woman in another state, and did so. Most of them knew my situation and took the announcement in stride. Wife, not so much. But I think visiting the other woman led to my wife and I getting back together again, so it's worked out ok. Certainly an improvement. I've chosen to stay for the last 9 years. I like ironhamster 's approach to discussing these things with younger children: "Ten year olds like hugs. Can we draw a parallel there? Suppose she got into a relationship with someone that decided he did not like hugs, and stopped giving hugs, but hugs were something she liked and made her feel connected. What would she do about that? I think a ten year old could understand that sort of predicament." I have a 10 year old that I then had to tell about my affair. I think @ironhamsters approach is exactly the right tone. It’s age appropriate. My trouble is that the almost ex is hyper vigilant about any real or imagined criticism. The girls (especially my 12 year old) are also very sensitive to any perceived critique of their father. If I were to say ‘I love cuddling on the couch and holding hands when we go for a walk. I like hugs very much. Papa doesn’t really like those things and it makes me feel lonely.’ My oldest would get very upset. “Don’t talk about Papa that way!!!” But in general, if you’re dealing with non-narcissistic family dynamics this is the way to handle the conversation. I try to say - I’m not criticizing Papa. I’m just saying that we are different. Neither is right or wrong. But I think Papa and I will both be happier in the long run. Papa will be happier because I’m not constantly asking him to do things that he doesn’t like to do and I’ll be happier because I can get more cuddles.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 30, 2019 18:52:54 GMT -5
Just a little "20/20 hindsight", buy a burner phone at Walmart and use it and only it to communicate with anyone you don't want loved ones to know about. I learned that lesson the hard way. But I have continued with my philandering ways and am still married. I am glad your kids where able to grasp the situation - sounds like dad doesn't give a crap. Good luck to you and may you find peace in your life.
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Post by noregretz on Jun 30, 2019 19:13:39 GMT -5
Or download the app called "signal".
End to end encrypted. Shows up as data usage only. It kicks ass... 😏
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Post by noregretz on Jun 30, 2019 19:31:04 GMT -5
👌
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Post by jim44444 on Jul 10, 2019 20:51:09 GMT -5
JMX, I have to apologize because when I read "IPads and IPhones sync up" I chuckled knowing what was coming. Not at your predicament but at the commonality of the event. The convenience of interconnected devices is a two-edged sword. I admire how well you handled the discussion with your daughter, you showed her how honesty and maturity improves a difficult situation. Someone suggested you should be angry because your 10 year old read your texts. I call bullshit. You allowed her access to a shared device. She was merely looking for info important to her and stumbled across your texts. Innocent. Personally I do not lock my phone or tablet. If my W wants to snoop through them she is welcome to it. I do occasionally do a cleanup of old messages and texts but only to recover storage. On the flip side she has not locked her tablet or phone. Your story reminds me of a similar one on EP. A woman's H was watching TV while she was in another room on her phone chatting with her AP. The AP sent her a nude video and she somehow cast it to the TV. Her H was upset that the cable company was broadcasting porn.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 10, 2019 21:15:20 GMT -5
Shit happens. I had a problem with two overlaying apps. I think one was Facebook Messenger, and the other was Text messaging. I typed a message to idgaf96 and accidentally sent it to my STBX. At that point, the damage was already done. It was just embarrassing.
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Post by JMX on Jul 19, 2019 23:13:08 GMT -5
Thank you all for the thoughtful replies!
It seems to have left the conversation (and actually, bu the time I said it out oof, it was over) but I am not a dummy - I know this will probably follow them throughout their lives.
I am seriously considering divorce again. I know the girls will be prepared now. Good or bad.
I came across some furniture - commandeered a storage facility and am stocking things away. Thinking through my next moves.
Thank you all for your input. If I pull the trigger, I will mean it, but I am not ready to do so at this time. Next time, I mean it and follow through.
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Post by JMX on Jul 19, 2019 23:20:13 GMT -5
Needs to be said - I am not materialistic. I am a planner.
Someone proposed something to me that I never thought about. Offer him no child support except for halfsies on big things / medical, braces, college.
I think I can do that!
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 20, 2019 9:47:46 GMT -5
Needs to be said - I am not materialistic. I am a planner. Someone proposed something to me that I never thought about. Offer him no child support except for halfsies on big things / medical, braces, college. I think I can do that! Don't sell your self short on things you are entitled to.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 20, 2019 11:01:06 GMT -5
Needs to be said - I am not materialistic. I am a planner. Someone proposed something to me that I never thought about. Offer him no child support except for halfsies on big things / medical, braces, college. I think I can do that! Don't sell your self short on things you are entitled to. And equally important, things that her children are entitled to.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 20, 2019 12:35:48 GMT -5
Don't sell your self short on things you are entitled to. And equally important, things that her children are entitled to. JMX, agreed. This falls in the “escape at any cost” logic. It can be painful to negotiate for assets / alimony / custody, but the effort translates directly into quality of life for yourself, and for what you can offer your children. Then again, I kinda recall you’re the primary (sole?) breadwinner, so maybe there isn’t much to debate. Logistically, child support may not be negotiable; it isn’t in my state, and I’d expect similar elsewhere. (They don’t want the children’s welfare to be up for trade.) Rather, it’s a formula based on custody and income disparity. Of course, you could probably fudge the formula by officially declaring one custody arrangement that makes it a wash, but then do differently in practice, but that kinda lays a land mine for future problems. So, the usual advice... check with your lawyer.
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Post by JMX on Jul 23, 2019 21:56:04 GMT -5
And equally important, things that her children are entitled to. JMX, agreed. This falls in the “escape at any cost” logic. It can be painful to negotiate for assets / alimony / custody, but the effort translates directly into quality of life for yourself, and for what you can offer your children. Then again, I kinda recall you’re the primary (sole?) breadwinner, so maybe there isn’t much to debate. Logistically, child support may not be negotiable; it isn’t in my state, and I’d expect similar elsewhere. (They don’t want the children’s welfare to be up for trade.) Rather, it’s a formula based on custody and income disparity. Of course, you could probably fudge the formula by officially declaring one custody arrangement that makes it a wash, but then do differently in practice, but that kinda lays a land mine for future problems. So, the usual advice... check with your lawyer. Thanks for that. I may be naive - but was hoping to make him a deal he cannot refuse. I out-earn him by 120%. Both of our incomes are dependent on the housing market - which in my jurisdiction, are rock solid for the next three years at least. I think I can get my house paid off, and if shit hits the fan, I can at least wait tables if I had to to keep food on the table, however, I do have other marketable skills. I made it through 2008-2015 almost solely by myself, I think I can do it again - especially if I can pay off my house.
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