Hello everyone!!! Is this like a AA meeting? My name is Will and I've been in a SM for 10 years. haha!
I've been reading postings and see many of the same things I've experienced over the last 10 years. My spouse is like many I've read about who has no desire for sex and doesn't care about my feelings, etc around sex. We get along well otherwise. Our sex life went from a few times a month, to a few times a year, to once a year for the past several years. Now we are roommates with little to no touching at all. We've been to marriage counseling a couple times that had very short term improvements. Currently, I'm at the stage of deciding to separate or outsource??? We have two children together and now wouldn't be the best time to separate. I suggested we have a "don't ask don't tell" arrangement, but she hasn't agreed or disagreed to it. I hope to read and chat about experiences people on this site have had with outsourcing.
Well, a "don't ask don't tell" set up by its' very nature is a situation that is not agreed but is rather just ignored. So if you want, take it that your spouse has not disagreed and proceed with the cheating option.
Be aware though that this is the most adventurous option there is and is a guaranteed game changer .... and how it will change the game is largely unknown. Things can spin off at crazy tangents, up to and including collapsing your primary relationship. And whereas the ending of your primary relationship might not ultimately be a bad thing, it sure can get messy if cheating is in play.
Before you do anything, see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you would be my suggestion. Treat this cheating option as seriously as you would a divorce - because that is pretty likely outcome.
ironhamster , and others have had some experience in this option. Reading some of their posts might be useful for you Brother CoastalNC .
Post by ironhamster on Jun 13, 2019 22:31:42 GMT -5
Greetings, CoastalNC. I am sorry for your predicament, but glad you have found your way here.
Odds are high that going with a don't ask don't tell option is simply to make the current situation livable, and that there will be a divorce down the road. You owe it to yourself to visit a lawyer and see how delaying a divorce a few years will affect your settlement. I believe you will find that, as expensive as a divorce would look now, it will be cheap in comparison, but you may be able to plan better. If I could have sent my wife back to work a few years ago, my alimony would be significantly less than it is. In Illinois, a marriage of over twenty years means the alimony is permanent. If I had divorced at ten years, I'd be done paying by now.
I think you will find that your kids are smart, and they know there is a problem in the marriage. Don't stay if the relationship becomes toxic. A home with a toxic relationship is already broken.
Be aware of laws regarding infidelity. Some southern states still have laws and courts that frown on this, even if there is permission given.
Don't ask don't tell is difficult. I had it for a few months, and I don't think she took it seriously, because she finally asked and I told her, and that was when our situation went toxic.
My girlfriend remains married. She has had a "don't ask don't tell" relationship for most of the last decade, so they can be semi-permanent. Occasionally, there is a clue that gets to him, and he makes a rude remark or otherwise creates some stress at home. That is not healthy for the kids. I can't do anything about that, though.
Thanks for the advice, etc!! Reading posts from this site the past few days has been very valuable.
It was suggested to me recently by a lawyer friend to track refusals and successes on a calendar and to save anything I can in writing (text, email). His reason was most judges in my jurisdiction would consider things while deciding if alimony is awarded. He's seen several cases of SM that alimony was denied to the refuser when sufficient evidence was given. I saved some texts over the years that she suggested I get a fwb and not bother her.
I feel bad at times for having an issue with no intimacy or sex because our relationship is good otherwise. When I ignore my needs and not try to initiate, all is well. I'm the one who gets frustrated or angry after being rejected. In a perfect situation, having someone who is also in a SM to talk to and see would be ideal. Of course that is fantasy land.. haha!
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
worksforme2: Tamara answered me yesterday. She and her partner are moving into a house next week. It's probably about as good as is possible. She didn't comment on the situation with her daughter.
Sept 17, 2019 17:46:02 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Thanks for the update; just hope she is happy
Sept 17, 2019 19:49:55 GMT -5
workingonit: Elkclan2 my son's gerbil escaped at the same time as his pet snake. I did not think it was a coincidence!
Sept 17, 2019 20:40:26 GMT -5
hopingforachange: Wow, is been forever since I read the shoutbox.
Sept 17, 2019 21:33:01 GMT -5
hopingforachange: I need to set up another Skype session.
Sept 17, 2019 21:33:16 GMT -5
sme935: Not quite sure if anyone reads it but if there is a female in the Chicago area (40-60 years old) who is interested in chatting with me drop me a message or look at my profile for messenger screenname;
Sept 19, 2019 9:09:33 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Another Skype session would be great!
Sept 21, 2019 10:51:02 GMT -5
elkclan2: Gerbil was recaptured unharmed. Turns out my cat is good at opening gerbil cages, but not good at catching gerbils.
Sept 27, 2019 8:10:33 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Yay! Glad to hear the critter is okay.
Sept 28, 2019 20:44:20 GMT -5
worksforme2: elkclan2....don't feed cat for a couple days, cat will become very proficient at catching gerbil
Sept 29, 2019 14:15:01 GMT -5
javba: Hi folks been gone a minute [several minutes actually] What is the skype we're referencing?
Oct 1, 2019 8:55:44 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: javba, once in a while someone sets up a group Skype chat, so we can see each other and chat. I have a Skype account with my user name from here for them. One hasn't happened in a long time...
Oct 6, 2019 9:55:29 GMT -5
wewbwb: I'm pretty sure that it was seeing my ass.
Oct 6, 2019 15:21:29 GMT -5
petrushka: you breed donkeys?
Oct 10, 2019 6:05:03 GMT -5
worksforme2: Happy Birthday shamwow….
Oct 11, 2019 9:02:53 GMT -5
worksforme2: I knew it was going to happen..the seasons here have jumped from summer to almost winter..months of hot, dry days and nights then a week later it is rain and temps in the low 40's at night...there goes my regressing effort this year
Oct 17, 2019 7:24:46 GMT -5
worksforme2: whoops..I meant re-grassing...I don't need to do any regressing...
Oct 17, 2019 11:39:34 GMT -5
donp: Help, No sex for 1 year. I think I have lost my mind.
Oct 17, 2019 13:21:05 GMT -5
javba: Agree donp - why would you NOT lose your mind, Rub one out - it helps for about 12 hours :-)
Oct 17, 2019 14:06:18 GMT -5
worksforme2: donp,...you think you have lost your mind... so you aren't positive... think about it some more and then let us know what you decide...
Oct 17, 2019 14:22:10 GMT -5