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Post by baza on Jun 9, 2023 1:41:13 GMT -5
A couple of posts back Brother aquacat , you said that - "We are great roommates, just not lovers" If so, that (having a great room-mate) would be a huge step up for most of the membership. Usually members report their refusive spouse is not even much of a room-mate. So in so far as that goes, you are ahead of the pack.
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Post by baza on Jun 8, 2023 20:43:38 GMT -5
Your Q - "Is our marriage doomed because there is too much damage done?" Hard to say based on what you have divulged here Brother unknownn . The 'good'feature in your story is that its 'only' 4 years that this has been going on (most members here have been having issues much longer than this) The bad news is that this 4 years covers the entire marital history (it appears to have become the 'nornal') It is probably fair to say that if your deal continues on - on it's present trajectory - then it is a pretty bleak outlook in front of you. Suggestion - It would be prudent to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to find out how a divorce would - theoretically - shake out for you. That doesn't mean you'd necessarily go down that road at this point, or 'ever' but all marriages end. Death or divorce see to that fact, and any married person, whether the marriage is 'made in heaven' or an 'ILIASM shithole" needs a plan should they suddenly find themselves not married. Good luck as you work your way through your situation Brorher unknownn .
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Post by baza on Jun 7, 2023 0:47:08 GMT -5
Have you actually checked the facts with a lawyer in respect to how a divorce would shake out for you in your jurisdiction Brother aquacat ?
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Post by baza on Jun 4, 2023 18:25:08 GMT -5
As annoying as this can be, it ain't your problem Brother lessingham . UNLESS you choose it to be, say by providing financial bale outs.
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Post by baza on May 31, 2023 0:33:43 GMT -5
Just been reading all the posts you've made Sister eliz75 . Like most stories here your narrative comes across as describing a plain old dud marriage with sex being just one of assorted issues going on. Sorry to see you here, but welcome. Suggestions - (if you haven't already done so yet) - Consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you - Within that legal frame work, start putting together a theoretical exit strategy - Shore up your support network and maybe engage an individual counsellor to help you unpack the situation. - Research everything you can find concerning shepherding any minor children through such a theoretical scenario. This commits you to precisely nothing, but it does provide you with an alternative to your current circumstances - which you may or may not use now or later on. There is a level of comfort to be had in having a do-able exit strategy in your pocket whether you end up enacting it, or not. All marriages end, divorce or death see to that truth, and any married person whether the marriage is 'made in heaven' or an 'ILIASM shithole' needs some sort of plan to cover a scenario where they are no longer married. In an ILIASM deal, the need is a bit more urgent. Again, welcome. Hope you get some value out of the group.
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Post by baza on May 18, 2023 21:51:05 GMT -5
There comes a time when your attention needs to come off your spouse and your past - and shift over to you and your future. Maybe that time has arrived for you Brother blueberry .... or maybe not, yet. Like TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo says, 'why chasing'is part of the journey but it's best to keep your time in that useless pursuit to a minimum ... (this from me, probably the "best" why chaser in the southern hemisphere back in the day of my ILIASM deal).
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Post by baza on May 17, 2023 21:13:15 GMT -5
Brother blueberryWhether your marriage is 'made in heaven' or an 'ILIASM shithole' it is going to end. Death or divorce ends them all, so as a matter of prudence any married person needs to have some sort of a plan for a circumctance where they are not married any longer. The need is more acute when the marriage is like the ones seen in this group. It is not a bad idea to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish - theoretically - how a divorce would shake out for you. This commits you to precisely nothing ... it is just you gathering the appropriate information, information that any married person needs to know. That's all I'd suggest at the moment. To sort your situation out, you need some solid facts so you can make fully informed choices going forward. Consulting a lawyer would be a good start to that process. Best wishes to you as you work your way through the ILIASM maze.
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Post by baza on May 17, 2023 18:36:36 GMT -5
Brother aquacat . Have you consulted a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would - theoreticaly - shake out for you ? Do you have a support network (and/or a personal counsellor) that could help you through a - theoretical - divorce scenario ? Do you have some sort of an idea how you would - theoretically - shepherd any minor chidren through such a process ? In other words, do you have a - theoretical - do-able exit strategy in your pocket as a viable alternative to your present predicament ? All marriages (be they 'made in heaven' or 'ILIASM shitholes') end. Death or divorce see to that, so it is prudent for any married person to have a plan for a scenario where they are no longer married. Having such a plan commits you to precisely nothing, it is just you information gathering, and from that information you can base your choices on facts.
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Post by baza on May 10, 2023 20:00:55 GMT -5
Brother exhaustedandhurtmb . Your story contains one really important and vital fact. You - and your missus are only about 38, and if necessary, you have excellent opportunity to 'start over'. Keep in mind that all marriages end, death or divorce see to that fact so any married person needs to know what they'd do should they become unmarried. It would be smart to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you - theoretically. It would be prudent to put together a - theoretical - exit strategy and work it into a do-able plan. Also wise would be shoring up your supprt network to help you through such a - theoretical - scenario. A personal counsellor might provide very useful input for you in unravelling all this. Researching everything you can find about shepherding minor children through such a - theoretical - event has value too. Your marriage appears to be on a steeep downward trajectory. It appears highly likely that you are going to need an alternate plan to staying in your situation. You might enact such a plan, or you might not ... that's a choice only you can make at the appropriate time. An exit strategy, whether your marriage is 'made in heaven' - or an 'ILIASM shithole' - you still need a plan for a scenario where you ain't married. Welcome to the group.
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Post by baza on May 7, 2023 0:02:36 GMT -5
Hello gary1662 . Do you also worry about the example you and your missus are setting for your child ? Your story reads like a room-mate situation, and she doesn't even come across as a decent room-mate. Anyway, you dont actually "have to" do anything. You can stay in your ILIASM situation - that's a perfectly valid choice. You could cheat - another perfectly valid choice. You could leave - another perfectly valid choice. These choices are all perfectly valid, but they all come with consequences. Often times it comes down to what you perceive to be "the least worst" choice.
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Post by baza on May 6, 2023 23:50:03 GMT -5
This probably won't help much Brother h , but there is a valueable takeaway from all this for the wider membership. That being that as time goes by in an ILIASM deal, it becomes more and more likely that a show stopper event is going to emerge. Most likely your health or your spouses health. The passage of time inevitably makes getting out of an ILIASM deal harder, not easier.
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Post by baza on May 4, 2023 0:06:05 GMT -5
Sorry to hear of this development Brother h . Best wishes to you both as you tackle this latest news.
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Post by baza on May 3, 2023 22:22:15 GMT -5
Quoting you here Sister vanessa55 - "but I don't have the courage or the strength to leave" You don't need some extraordinary levels of courage or strength to start your journey out. But what you DO need is a do-able exit strategy in your pocket that you could activate should you wish to do so. And you can construct this plan yourself. Suggestion(s) - see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish - theoretically - how a divorce would shhake out for you. - within that framework start putting together your - theoretical - exit strategy, addressing things like shoring up your support network. - if relevant research everything you can find about shepherding any minor children through such a - thepretical -process. None of this commits you to anything, it is just you gathering information that any married person needs to know. Whether you activate your exit plan or not is entirely down to you, but the point is that YOU can construct the plan, and that opens up your options a bit. You "could" get out - if you have a plan to do so. Good luck with all this Sister @vanessa , it is hard work you have ahead of you.
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Post by baza on Apr 19, 2023 19:11:39 GMT -5
Brother jr . You ask - "What do you all think about my situation? Am I overthinking my relationship? Is this normal? What might be considered 'normal' in one person may not be normal for another. What might be considered 'normal' in one culture may not be normal in another. From my perspective looking at your post it looks like your missus is a bit of a princess, who wants what she wants when she wants it. And your needs / aspirations don't get much, if any, attention. There's nothing in your post that suggests your situation is likely to change. To me, your situation looks highly dysfunctional, and not 'normal' but that is viewed from my perspective as an old white bloke brought up in western culture. Anyway Brother jr , one thing is certain in these situations, and that is that it is going to be up to you to sort it out and up to you to make some pretty major choices moving forward. Don't expect your missus to be of much help in the process. She has engineered the situation to exactly how she wants it. There's no incentive for her to want to change anything.
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Post by baza on Apr 17, 2023 19:02:36 GMT -5
Sister kapibara . If you are looking for a relationship with a robust sexual component to it then based solely on what you've said, you are currently with the wrong bloke. That's not his (or your) "fault". It just is what it is. And it is a good thing (albeit painful) to find this out after just 5 months rather than 5 years.
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