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Post by baza on Sept 17, 2023 2:57:13 GMT -5
It reads like you are turning your focus on yourself and your future, and off your missus and your past. That's a pretty good choice but don't underestimate how difficult it may get to institute such a policy, and to stick to it. As long as you are prepared (legal advice, exit strategy, support network in place etc) then you ought be able to bring your situation to resolution. There is a level of piece of mind when you have made a choice, it's a hell of a lot better than just floating along in a state of indecision. Good luck Brother m76 .
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Post by baza on Sept 16, 2023 22:41:04 GMT -5
It is uncanny that your story Brother wishfulthinking , so closely resembles our Brother lessingham 's posts in here. Hopefully he might weigh in on your post.
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Post by baza on Sept 16, 2023 21:59:44 GMT -5
Good to hear from you Sister lanie . And excellent that your deal is still on an upward trajectory.
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Post by baza on Sept 14, 2023 18:20:33 GMT -5
It is a pretty common theme here that a member initially writes along the lines that - "Everything is great bar the sex" Then, as the story unfolds, it emerges that everything is NOT so great and that the lack of sex is a symptom of a much deeper dysfunctionality. Just like the posts here from Sisters even , m76 and toughtiger .
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Post by baza on Sept 11, 2023 20:12:36 GMT -5
Communication is indeed key in these situations. The thing is, communication is not always positive. That doesn't mean it's not valid. Brother m76 's missus seems to be communicating her position very clearly and consistently. The thing is, what she is communicating with her actions is not what Brother m76 wants it to be.
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Post by baza on Sept 11, 2023 19:27:59 GMT -5
FWIW Brother catlover, I like your essay. I would also bet good money that your essay will never see the light of day. Either you won't give it to her (it is a bit of a hand grenade) - or she will veto it's use.
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Post by baza on Sept 8, 2023 20:22:47 GMT -5
Early 40s guy here, married since i was 19. Im sure there are unfortunately too many people here, male and female, who share my story and circumstances. ivr always had a high drive for intimacy and sex, a trait my wife and I shared for many years. Until one day a couple of years ago she suddenly announced her sex drive was gone, nothing medical, I was concerned but she assured me, nothing I had done. she just woke up one day and realized, im not interested in sex anymore. Now of course im paraphrasing but that was the gist of it. I asked if it was something id done, something i could help with, even if it were her feelings for me had changed. she insisted it was none of those. Is it selfish to want more? to expect an explanation? It reads like you got your explanation Brother lonewalker . But you dont seem to think its a very good or valid explanation. The thing is, it doesnt particularly matter what the refusers rationale or reason or excuse is. It doesnt change the facts on the ground, and in these ILIASM situations it is the facts - and only the facts - you have to deal with. As you have presented them, the facts are that she doesnt want to have sex with you Knowing "Why" she doesn't want to have sex with you is not particularly helpful information in these situations. Suggestions - 1 - as far as possible dont waste too much effort on "why" chasing. It is a dead end. 2 - as far as possible, avoid "blame apportioning", that's anothert dead end. 3 - deal with the facts of your situation, starting with a cold dispassionate review of your situation, the good, bad and ugly components of your relationship. Get a handle on what you are really dealing with. Good luck
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Post by baza on Sept 4, 2023 23:32:35 GMT -5
Resentment abounds in ILIASM deals, and it's not just you Brother aquacat . You may be resentful about her unwillingness to engage you sexually - and she may be just as resentful of your unwanted incessant aproaches for sexual engagement. The joint resentment levels end up driving the deal into the ditch.
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Post by baza on Sept 3, 2023 1:15:33 GMT -5
When you are in an ILIASM deal, many many things in a typical day remind you of that fact. It seems to seep in to everything.
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Post by baza on Aug 30, 2023 0:17:07 GMT -5
I think that Brother lessingham 's posts in here are extraordinarily valueable. Not because they actually help our Brother very much, if at all, but rather what other members might be able to learn from the lessington stories which may provide a cautionary lesson of where a policy of appeasement is likely to end up. That won't help lessingham, but it may save others from going down that rabbit hole.
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Post by baza on Aug 25, 2023 23:07:12 GMT -5
Gday Sister JMX. Still here.
The site is pretty quiet, new members scarce, and not a lot of activity happening.
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Post by baza on Aug 25, 2023 5:58:21 GMT -5
Been out since 2009. Been in a relationship since 2010 with the delctable Ms enna30 .
She was considerably more sexually active than me up to 2010 - as far as I know - but I've never asked for details. I'm not especially interested in pre 2009.
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Post by baza on Aug 25, 2023 0:20:50 GMT -5
Quoting you here Brother m76 - "So what' I'm grappling with, did the relationship disconnect come before the lack of physical intimacy or did the lack of physical intimacy cause the relationship disconnect and can that attachment be restored?" I figure that as well as posting, you are also reading a great deal in other members posts here. Have you seen any examples of 'attachment being restored' ? I've been in this group (and the old Experience Project) since Feb 2009, must have read thousands of posts and whereas there has been the odd restoration story they are rare. Really rare.
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Post by baza on Aug 21, 2023 21:52:41 GMT -5
Wow Sister even , you haven't let the grass grow under your feet here. You've made spectacular progress in a matter of days !! If you maintain this process of making your choices on the basis of what is in your longer term best interests then you can't go too far wrong. I got nothing as far as suggestions go, you seem to be doing just fine yourself.
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Post by baza on Aug 21, 2023 21:23:52 GMT -5
There's two things in your post that are not helpful in bringing an ILIASM deal to resolution. "Apportioning blame" is one, "why chasing" is the other. As far as you can it is best to not engage in these two things and instead direct your focus on the facts as they stand. It is not a time to make emotional choices. It is rather a time to make pragmatic dispassionate choices based on the facts of your unique situation, and to base such choices on what is in your longer term best interests. If you do that then you can't go too far wrong. Good luck on your journey Brother anotherdavid , this will be one of the toughest things you'll ever do.
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