m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Sept 16, 2023 23:45:42 GMT -5
I'm going to stay for financial reasons as well as providing a stable home for my son. But as of tonight I've moved into the spare bedroom. It's a marriage in name only but I'll live my life to be the best me I can and if my roommate wants to join me along the way she's welcome to but I won't be asking anymore.
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Post by baza on Sept 17, 2023 2:57:13 GMT -5
It reads like you are turning your focus on yourself and your future, and off your missus and your past. That's a pretty good choice but don't underestimate how difficult it may get to institute such a policy, and to stick to it. As long as you are prepared (legal advice, exit strategy, support network in place etc) then you ought be able to bring your situation to resolution. There is a level of piece of mind when you have made a choice, it's a hell of a lot better than just floating along in a state of indecision. Good luck Brother m76 . |
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m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Sept 17, 2023 9:31:08 GMT -5
More information. I had another talk but I'm not prepared to leave so there was no ultimatum from me.
She told me outright that she is asexual and she's open to counciling but told me that I can't expect her to change but is open to compromise. I'm not sure how compromise is possible in this case. Either we have sex or we don't.
So I'm hurt. Years of initiating with rejections of "not now" for various reasons she should have just been telling me "not ever".
My next conversation will likely be around the idea of an open relationship.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 17, 2023 11:20:36 GMT -5
If she is adamant about being asexual then an open relationship seems odd to think of. If it was me I would be doing research on how to convince your W that a "don't ask don't tell' appproach would benefit her. If she is willing to look the other way for a FWB for you then that would be the best solution for you. But keep in mind the lessons from Apocrypha about asexual wives suddenly finding their sexuality when no longer confined to their marriage partner.
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m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Sept 17, 2023 12:47:20 GMT -5
So we talked more about "compromise" and I brought up the idea of non-monogamy and she pretty much freaked out at that idea. She did say she's wants to compromise but not if its all about fixing her since she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her. So I guess the compromise is that I give up sex.
Am I wrong in feeling like she changed the terms of our marriage?
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 17, 2023 13:09:29 GMT -5
Maybe marital counseling can help you come up with a solution both of you can live with.
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 17, 2023 14:35:15 GMT -5
So we talked more about "compromise" and I brought up the idea of non-monogamy and she pretty much freaked out at that idea. She did say she's wants to compromise but not if its all about fixing her since she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her. So I guess the compromise is that I give up sex. Am I wrong in feeling like she changed the terms of our marriage? That is NOT a compromise at all.... " not about fixing her " then did she tell you what she thought the problem is then? ....what does she say needs fixed? ... just you wanting a sex life and intimacy? sex is part of a marriage period ... if it wasn't then what concern would they have in outsourcing... so yeah i think she is changing terms of marriage. |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Sept 17, 2023 15:52:12 GMT -5
So we talked more about "compromise" and I brought up the idea of non-monogamy and she pretty much freaked out at that idea. She did say she's wants to compromise but not if its all about fixing her since she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her. So I guess the compromise is that I give up sex. Am I wrong in feeling like she changed the terms of our marriage? That is NOT a compromise at all.... " not about fixing her " then did she tell you what she thought the problem is then? ....what does she say needs fixed? ... just you wanting a sex life and intimacy? sex is part of a marriage period ... if it wasn't then what concern would they have in outsourcing... so yeah i think she is changing terms of marriage. Her suggestion was to do more non-sexual activities together. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 17, 2023 16:17:21 GMT -5
That is NOT a compromise at all.... " not about fixing her " then did she tell you what she thought the problem is then? ....what does she say needs fixed? ... just you wanting a sex life and intimacy? sex is part of a marriage period ... if it wasn't then what concern would they have in outsourcing... so yeah i think she is changing terms of marriage. Her suggestion was to do more non-sexual activities together. My refusing spouse charted a path along this route for us the last yrs. of the marriage. We had all kinds of non intimate activities. Date nights, day trips, weekend B&B get aways, flights across the country to destination weddings, cruises. Needless to say for me it was like rubbing salt in a wound. When we should have been enjoying bonding experiences we were instead just filling in the time together with platonic activities. Some of it was fun and I would forget about the lack of intimacy at the time, but afterwards it reared its ugly head again. Once the putt putt games and hiking trips to a waterfall are over you will be no closer to your W than any other person you might meet at the table of a B&B. This is mostly marching in place. It counts as erercise but not much else. And it is your W telling you she sees you now more in the role of a "best friend" than a spouse. My friend, I don't think even the most seasoned marriage counselor or sex therapist can save you.....Sorry |
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Post by baza on Sept 17, 2023 20:17:16 GMT -5
If you want to bring your ILIASM deal to resolution, there are 2 things to avoid. #1 - Is to stop "why chasing". This is a dead end - even if you discover the why it maeks no difference to the facts of your ILIASM deal. You are disenfranchised either way. #2 - is to stop "blame aportioning" which is another dead end - it doesn't matter who's at fault as again, the facts dont alter. And you are disenfranchised either way there too. I'm feeling for you Brother m76 . These are awful situations, highly emotive and unsettling. As far as possible you need to let as much air out of the emotional balloon as you can, and deal with the facts, and only the facts. Easy to say, not so easy to do. |
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Post by aquacat on Sept 17, 2023 20:53:47 GMT -5
My wife mentioned compromise as well and has several times over the years, and it always goes back to a dead bedroom. I believe she’s asexual based on her attitude towards sex, her reaction when I mention anything sexual, even jokingly, and the fact that she doesn’t ever masturbate or get the desire to initiate. I know for a fact she isn’t cheating or doing anything on the side.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. It’s a huge struggle for me as I still have a high desire and the only way I take care of it is on my own with my hand. She won’t even touch me intimately. It’s sad and makes me depressed but the financial toll would break me if we split due to the income differences and how the courts side with the mother when it comes to child support cases. I’m basically counting down to when my kids are adults and are out on their own.
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 18, 2023 1:18:12 GMT -5
"Her suggestion was to do more non-sexual activities together." quote from M76
I do not know about anyone else but going to movies or farmers market even out to dinner is NOT a substitute for an intimate time.
it only makes me realize i am missing out..... i guess if my spouse had his way we would both weigh 800lbs as all he suggests is going out to eat....several times in one day this weekend!
I told him "why don't we bring spoons and a folding chair and sit silent shoving our faces with ice cream at the local grocery ?"
he does not engage in chat or discussion of any sort when we are OUT.... so no emotional connection either so what is the point?
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 18, 2023 6:15:15 GMT -5
"Her suggestion was to do more non-sexual activities together." quote from M76 I do not know about anyone else but going to movies or farmers market even out to dinner is NOT a substitute for an intimate time. it only makes me realize i am missing out..... i guess if my spouse had his way we would both weigh 800lbs as all he suggests is going out to eat....several times in one day this weekend! I told him "why don't we bring spoons and a folding chair and sit silent shoving our faces with ice cream at the local grocery ?" he does not engage in chat or discussion of any sort when we are OUT.... so no emotional connection either so what is the point? This is depressing. When my X and I went through this phase in our marriage it was at least enjoyable in many instances. The traveling and seeing new places was something I had done all my life' But I don't think it brought us any closer together. Women often get the travel bug in their 50's, 60's. It's when they no longer have children to rear and they can afford it. Men mostly do their traveling when considerably younger. I think my X married me in part because I brought signifigant financial resources to the table. This enabled us to go places and do thiings she wanted. Left on my own I would not have taken those trips. I was always left to pick out the restaurant if we dined out, something I didn't mind at all. Unfortunately all the traveling in the world and other platonic activities, will not come close to unifying a marriage as one afternoon spent making love. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 18, 2023 7:29:20 GMT -5
So we talked more about "compromise" and I brought up the idea of non-monogamy and she pretty much freaked out at that idea. She did say she's wants to compromise but not if its all about fixing her since she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her. So I guess the compromise is that I give up sex. Am I wrong in feeling like she changed the terms of our marriage? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have said before, you both promised (if your vows were typical) to "Forsake all others" She broke her vow by forsaking all. You are simply offering to break your vow by forsaking others. You each dropped one word from the vow. She broke her vow first. Why does she get to decide which word you both throw away? You are already non-monogamous. Monogamy literally means one lover. You have zero. If you go the marital counseling route, you may want to show your wife Dr. Psychmom's article to potentially call out bullshit. Some refusers use it as a cudgel and/or stalling tactic. If she is put off by the idea of working on your physical connection at marriage counseling, you know it's not an earnest offer.
"Her suggestion was to do more non-sexual activities together.""Sounds great, babe. Who do I do the sexual activities with then?" Meh. Call her bluff. Go on three terrific dates. Sex on the fourth date is pretty much mandatory if dating any woman you're not married to. Otherwise, you may just be getting used for "foodie calls." When a stranger is more likely to give you some than your wife, she really needs to recognize that as a problem. Seriously though? Why not? Go on three dates. Positive attitude, try to avoid discussing everyday chores and humdrum stuff. Best impression stuff. Dig the cologne out of the sock drawer. Expect nothing but vindication that she's full of crap. With any luck, she'll know it too and be primed for teh next outsourcing suggestion having ticked off that unlikely checkbox. The non-monogamy discussion might need to end at some point with a simple disclosure that you are looking into it and it may commence in the next few months. Again, Obey the Baza before you start. |
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Post by csl on Sept 18, 2023 7:35:01 GMT -5
So we talked more about "compromise" and I brought up the idea of non-monogamy and she pretty much freaked out at that idea. She did say she's wants to compromise but not if its all about fixing her since she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her. So I guess the compromise is that I give up sex. Am I wrong in feeling like she changed the terms of our marriage? Well, ask her, don't guess. "Does your definition of compromise mean 'no sex'?" Get specifics from her, not ephemeral vagaries. |
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