m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Sept 20, 2023 14:52:30 GMT -5
I've said it before but if that's the outcome, I'm at peace with that. I've made it clear that in order for me to feel close to her, sex is an important part of the relationship. If she would rather leave then have sex that's a valid choice on her part. You should be prepared for that just in case. She may take this opportunity to try and blindside you. She could also try to hurt your relationships with others in the process to isolate you from support. Sometimes people really go for the throat when they sense your tolerance of their mistreatment is coming to an end. If that's the case it would be the first time she's F**ed me 15 years. Lol But in all seriousness when we had our talk I don't think she had realized how much not having sex hurt me. She was genuine when she told me she wants me to be happy. But it's been so long I don't expect she's ready just to get naked and do it. |
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Post by h on Sept 20, 2023 14:59:15 GMT -5
You should be prepared for that just in case. She may take this opportunity to try and blindside you. She could also try to hurt your relationships with others in the process to isolate you from support. Sometimes people really go for the throat when they sense your tolerance of their mistreatment is coming to an end. If that's the case it would be the first time she's F**ed me 15 years. Lol But in all seriousness when we had our talk I don't think she had realized how much not having sex hurt me. She was genuine when she told me she wants me to be happy. But it's been so long I don't expect she's ready just to get naked and do it. I wouldn't expect her to. I seriously doubt she will change her mind on the sex, but seeing a therapist may cause her to reevaluate the marriage as a whole and whether or not she is capable of any kind of compromise. If she decides in a therapy session that her best option is to leave you, any genuine desire for your happiness may take a back seat to her own self preservation. |
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 22, 2023 3:16:38 GMT -5
My bet is, with her choosing her counselor, she ends up with "confirmation bias," and if her first counselor doesn't meet that need, the second or third will. In short, she wants to have a second opinion that she is right to deny you affection, and that you have no right to seek affection elsewhere. I hope you can see how unfair that is. That's not love. That's control.
My advice is, until the affection changes, she needs to go back to work and contribute enough to cover half of the monthly living expenses. Anything surplus is hers. Anything surplus on your end is yours.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Sept 22, 2023 6:17:45 GMT -5
My bet is, with her choosing her counselor, she ends up with "confirmation bias," and if her first counselor doesn't meet that need, the second or third will. In short, she wants to have a second opinion that she is right to deny you affection, and that you have no right to seek affection elsewhere. I hope you can see how unfair that is. That's not love. That's control. My advice is, until the affection changes, she needs to go back to work and contribute enough to cover half of the monthly living expenses. Anything surplus is hers. Anything surplus on your end is yours. nah guys I know her better then that. Plus she works full time and makes nearly as much as me so she's not using me except in the sense that together our house is much nicer then we could afford separately. |
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 22, 2023 6:38:01 GMT -5
You are in luck that she works. But, you know there's a likelihood that this doesn't work out. Make sure you are not stuck with the legal label of "primary earner" and she is not blessed with the title of "primary parent."
My condolences in the mean time while she sorts her shit out. I hope you find your happiness, but it is of concern that she gave up nothing in the "compromise." Love is by definition a self-defeating emotion, in that you care for someone else more than you care for yourself. I only detect that one of you is loving.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 23, 2023 5:45:56 GMT -5
My bet is, with her choosing her counselor, she ends up with "confirmation bias," and if her first counselor doesn't meet that need, the second or third will. In short, she wants to have a second opinion that she is right to deny you affection, and that you have no right to seek affection elsewhere. I hope you can see how unfair that is. That's not love. That's control. My advice is, until the affection changes, she needs to go back to work and contribute enough to cover half of the monthly living expenses. Anything surplus is hers. Anything surplus on your end is yours. nah guys I know her better then that. Plus she works full time and makes nearly as much as me so she's not using me except in the sense that together our house is much nicer then we could afford separately. Society conditions men to be the provider. The man's money is evenly spread to provide for the house, the food, the entertainment, education, etc...for the wife and the family. The women's income? That's "her money" end of discussion. I learned this the hard way through my divorce and discovered the large 6 figures $$$ that my now ex had been keeping in her own accounts, while conditioning me to a very frugal lifestyle of " we can't afford that". Take a room full of women and ask " who should pay for dinner on a date?" Overwhelming the answer - "the man!!" |
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 23, 2023 15:00:54 GMT -5
Take a room full of women and ask " who should pay for dinner on a date?" Overwhelming the answer - "the man!!" by greatcoastal
I would disagree as i pay for several dinners and events equally.... it show what type a person your ex was hiding money from you ect. My spouse earns more and does pay living expenses but i pay small bills and groceries and have picked up tab on a couple vacation rentals etc...
i also invest my earnings to be what i thought was investments for retirement but now i think that is going to be my starting over fund.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 23, 2023 16:26:29 GMT -5
Take a room full of women and ask " who should pay for dinner on a date?" Overwhelming the answer - "the man!!" by greatcoastal I would disagree as i pay for several dinners and events equally.... it show what type a person your ex was hiding money from you ect. My spouse earns more and does pay living expenses but i pay small bills and groceries and have picked up tab on a couple vacation rentals etc... i also invest my earnings to be what i thought was investments for retirement but now i think that is going to be my starting over fund. Here's my source in who should pay. I would disagree as i pay for several dinners and events equally.... My last woman/girlfriend insisted on paying for dinner all the time. I stopped offering because it would annoy her. Even then, I still paid occasionally, and what would she do? lay money on the bed, put money in my wallet at night, shove money in the car! I later read all about her " fear of commitment" and the mystery was solved! About that and a whole list of her behaviors! My source on "I want to be able to put my money in the bank, he should buy the dinners". your money is our money, my money is our money" |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 23, 2023 17:23:24 GMT -5
I had a breakfast date this past week with a woman I had been talking to for some time. This was our 1st in person meet. I had suggested a coffee meet, but she wanted a meal. I manuved behind her at the cash register going in to see what she would do. I was pleased that she paid for her meal right away. The rest of the meet wasn't all that great but it did have this one positive aspect right off to bat. We'll see where it goes.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 23, 2023 17:44:22 GMT -5
worksforme2: She did exactly what I would have done.  |
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 23, 2023 21:16:33 GMT -5
greatcoastal, that first clip speaks volumes, succinctly. I think he hits the proper balance, and covers some good exceptions. toughtiger, I can definitely appreciate your sense of fairness, but it seems to me there are a LOT of women that aren't so level headed, and some that are just outright unrealistic in their expectations. That makes you look really good in comparison.
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Post by deadzone75 on Sept 23, 2023 23:06:07 GMT -5
I had a breakfast date this past wee with a woman I had been talking to for some time. This was out 1st in person meet. I had suggested a coffee meet, but she wanted a meal. I manuved behind her at the cash register going in to see what she would do. I was pleased that she paid for her meal right away. The rest of the meet wasn't all that great but it did have this one positive aspect right off to bat. We'll see where it goes. Am I the only one who thinks it's weird for someone to push for a meal on the first meet? I think a coffee would be the choice for most. I mean, I don't like eating in front of someone on the 10th meeting, much less the very first time I see them. |
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Post by isthisit on Sept 25, 2023 17:05:05 GMT -5
nah guys I know her better then that. Plus she works full time and makes nearly as much as me so she's not using me except in the sense that together our house is much nicer then we could afford separately. Society conditions men to be the provider. The man's money is evenly spread to provide for the house, the food, the entertainment, education, etc...for the wife and the family. The women's income? That's "her money" end of discussion. I learned this the hard way through my divorce and discovered the large 6 figures $$$ that my now ex had been keeping in her own accounts, while conditioning me to a very frugal lifestyle of " we can't afford that". Take a room full of women and ask " who should pay for dinner on a date?" Overwhelming the answer - "the man!!" Awwww, c’mon greatcoastal you sound like you live in 1953 here. Sure, *some* women behave this way, but not all. My take is that it’s more fool men who tolerate the entitled princess routine. I have no idea why one would. If men feel that paying is socially expected, well socialisation can be rethought. Personally, I find it patronising. |
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