|
Post by baza on Aug 15, 2023 23:24:53 GMT -5
So my wife writes romance novels. I've tried reading a couple but there are sex scenes in the books and reading them just makes me depressed. So I've told her I'm not interested in reading them since she's not interested in doing any of the sexy things she writes about. Now she's angry with me for not "supporting" her. Brother Apocrypha might weigh in on this one m76 . He often makes the point that just because your spouse has no sexual desire toward you, it does NOT follow that they have no sexual desire generally.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 15, 2023 2:34:40 GMT -5
Hello Sister even . Welcome to the group. These ILIASM situations are hard as you have noted, and the clock just keeps ticking until something / someone forces a resolution to the problem. And whilst the clock keeps ticking, what opportunities have you missed out on, and what opportunities might you miss out on in the future whilst you are tied ino this dud marriage ? Suggestion - See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. This commits you to precisely nothing, it is just you checking out the facts. You might act on those facts, or you might not, but at least you will have the relevant facts as regards your unique situation. Thats all Id suggest at this stage. Get the facts, then mull them around in your head for a bit and see what you come up with as to your next move (if any). There is no "right" answer to what you end up deciding. Leaving is a perfectly valid choice, so is staying. Me ? - Well I chose to leave back in 2009 and I have no regrets about that choice. But let me make the point that I am NOT recommending you do that. What I am suggesting is that you gather your facts, and make a pragmatic choice based on your longer term best interests. If you do that, then you can't go too far wrong. Hard and difficult choices are ahead of you Sister even , and unfortunately theres no way around that.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 13, 2023 18:20:31 GMT -5
I recollect in a past post your son has some condition that affects his co-ordination .... or something like that ....
In my jurisdiction if you have a diagnosed condition you are probably entitled to Govt assistance for housekeeping, though you may have to jump through a lot of hoops to access the service.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 11, 2023 20:02:30 GMT -5
Baza, you may be right. In an uncontested divorce it's a 50/50 split. The equity in the house just about equals the debt so it may just cancel out if she keeps it. If I keep it, I would probably need to sell but would be ok. So money isn't trapping me, but it's still hard to make a decision. I think I may talk to a psychologist as my next step. Seeing a psych is a good idea Brother m76 . You are in a very difficult situation and some professional guidance to help you unpack all this could be really valuable.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 11, 2023 3:32:24 GMT -5
It is a good idea to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would shake out for you. To see if your fears of "divorce financially ruining you" has any basis in fact.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 11, 2023 2:06:59 GMT -5
Sister saarinista made a great post a while back - making the point that the marriages described in this ILIASM group are for the most part just plain old rotten marriages and theres nothing unique about them". From my time on the old EP site since Feb 2009 upp to the present I have to say that I think saarinista has it pretty right. If your deal has ended up with you here on the ILIASM site, your deal is pretty much toast. The time for inspirational articles, hints on rekindling sex, scented candle strategies etc has long past.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 4, 2023 20:15:10 GMT -5
Well Brother mirrororchid , I guess a starting point of 2009 will do. That was when I left my ILIASM deal. At that starting point there was about "X" in divisible marital assets some of which were tied up in assets that could not be accessed for a couple of years. The big ticket items were the marital house and my superannuation and share portfolio When we started negotiating the asset split I ended up with roughly 38% of "X" and my missus got 62% of "X". My lawyer believed I could have got 50%, but I was OK with what I got, though you could say it 'cost' me 12% of "X". This process took a couple of years during which I was very cash poor until such time as we could liquidate tied up assets. The big ticket items were the house (which I signed over to her) and the superannuation (which she signed over to me). This wasn't long after the Global Financial Crisis so both markets were depressed, but I was pretty confident the economy would turn around, which it did after a while. As I recall, by around 2013 I had recouped my position, had moved out of the City to a country town, had a job etc and was sitting pretty financially. (side note) my ex missus died suddenly in 2015 and left all her assets to our two kids. Re - "scrimping". I have always been as tight as a fishes arse with money - for example I drive a 10 year old Volvo still and have only ever had two brand new cars in my life. I dont need a Mercedes when a second hand Camry will do the same job. So surviving that 2 year old period referred to above wasnt a lot of fun I survived it ok. (side note 2) The alluring Ms enna came into my life in 2010 and we've been together since. She brought a few bucks with her that is now in the joint picture. So, thats the story Brother mirrororchid . Time passes, situations change. My suggestion - have a financial plan, keep it under review to take into account changing circumstances. Make your choices on the basis of what's in your best longer term interests, and you can't go too far wrong.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 2, 2023 21:05:16 GMT -5
The first thing I'd suggest is that you consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see if your fears about financial armageddon have any basis in fact. This applies whether your marriage is "made in heaven" or is an "ILIASM Shithole", or something in between. You, as a responsible adult, need to know how things would shake out for you should your marriage go guts up at your instigation (or your spouses instigation). Or the deceasement of one of you. It is a matter of simple financial prudence, which any married person needs to have a handle on. I'm 12 years out of my deal, and whatever financial "damage" ocurred at the time I have restored my financial positon to good health (and more) over this 12 year period. Financially I am waaay better off than I was 12 years ago. Get the facts applicable in your jurisdiction, that's my suggestion. PS - Sister angeleyes65 post above is a good one. She got her information, and from that position of strength she was in a position to negotiate an equitable distribution of the marital assets.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 20, 2023 19:29:44 GMT -5
As Sister northstarmom says, taking a position of counter refusing is NOT to - "get your refuser to change or notice" Rather, it is to put you back in control of your end of the situation. To make the choice that if there is to be no sex in your situation that it is YOUR choice that it be so. It is a subtle difference in thinking but if you make that choice, you move from 'victim' in the situation to 'owner' of the situation.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 30, 2023 3:17:20 GMT -5
Your missus motivation reads like the idea of breeding IS on the agenda, but any sex (over and above what's necessary for procreation) most certainly is NOT.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 28, 2023 20:16:33 GMT -5
Like Brother deadzone75 alludes to, it reads like seems your missus has chosen to direct whatever levels of energy she has toward her advocacy work. Perhaps taking this course gives her purpose and focus, and as such is probably a good thing from her perspective. Maybe a case can be made for you to find something from which you could find an activity you found fulfillment in pursuing.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 27, 2023 20:57:57 GMT -5
So far Brother andrew , your post is text book. You arrive, taking a position that "everything is great bar the sex" and looking for the magic bullet to fix the situation. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet solution. So at this point, I think you'd be well served to go back to the start, and the position that "everything is great bar the sex" and put that belief to a rigorous and searching examination. If you are to sort this situation out, you'e got to be sure that you have identified the true state of your marriage. This inventory of your deal may be a very painful experience and may uncover some very challenging issues about your situation. Anyway, welcome to the group, hope you can derive some value out of it.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 15, 2023 0:07:27 GMT -5
Yep, you are being gaslighted.
Setting that aside for a moment, I don't think his medical opinion about your diabetes is worth jack shit.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 14, 2023 23:59:08 GMT -5
Welcome Sister lonelygirlcity . Hope you get some vvalue out of this group.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 11, 2023 18:45:17 GMT -5
Welcome Brother memyselfandi . Most members when first posting here usually take a position that - "everything is great bar the sex" Then, as they add to their story the true position comes out that everything is not so great and the paucity of sex is really a symptom of a more fundamental disconnection. Your post reads like you are past that "everything is great bar the sex" position.. That's a good thing and puts you a bit closer to seeing the truth of your situation. Welcome, hope you find some value in this group as you work your way through your journey.
|
|