|
|
Post by lessingham on Aug 10, 2023 4:46:20 GMT -5
There was a recent article I read about rekindling desire in marriage. I am still not sure if I liked or hated it.
It began with the fact married or long term partnered wives feel a drop in desire. This was due to lack of passion and boredom. Naturally this is the guy's fault.
The same old prejudice, men can orgasm at the drop of a hat do do not put in imagination. Women need to be coaxed to orgasm and men don't know how. Too true as most women never tell you, we are supposed to be psychic.
I hate that, that it is the guy's fault, that men bring no emotions to sex just rutting. And it is the guy who has to pick up his game, without any guide from the woman.
But the interesting thing the writer did was to get the woman to type two lists, all that she dislikes and all that she likes. Give the lists to her partner and schedule sex around the like list. Apparently this is to reduce the resentment over bad sex. I think most men would love a route map like that.
So, begins with the usual crap but ended up with a positive note.
Being pessimistic I suspect my wife's dislike list would be,"everything" and her like list would be, "nothing"
|
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Aug 10, 2023 6:26:08 GMT -5
Just saw a video wherein the narrator says the partners should write letters titled: "What I want from sex." Zero judgement. The refuser may be utterly uninterested. An utterly earnest attempt by most sex-positive partners would be daunting and anxiety riddled. Vulnerability like that? Two checklists are available here: sexualhealthalliance.com/nymphomedia-blog/yes-no-maybe-checklistsThe third looks more complete, but I don't see an actual download. Grrrrr. Ideally, we could fill this out online and a web page would spit out the Yeses and Yes/Maybe combinations, with a gradient mix from yes/yes to yes/maybe to maybe/maybe, leading couples to slowly expand horizons, not knowing whether your partner was a yes or a maybe because a Maybe/maybe could randomly show up near the top. This is an opportunity waiting to happen. Kind of like Tinder, but with an established partner. Up for sex? Here's five suggestions your partner won't refuse. You'll get three no brainers, one naughty smile, and one spittake. (She/he would do that if I asked?! Thank you, God!) |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 10, 2023 11:48:03 GMT -5
"There was a recent article I read about rekindling desire in marriage. I am still not sure if I liked or hated it.
It began with the fact married or long term partnered wives feel a drop in desire. This was due to lack of passion and boredom. Naturally this is the guy's fault."
Keep in mind that men aren't the only ones involuntarily sexless. At least half of the people on this site are women involuntarily in sexless marriages.
My own opinion is that if one ends up on this site, one's marriage is hopelessly sexless and one is wasting one's time reading such articles. One's only option is to stay in one's SM accepting it for what it is or leave.
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Aug 10, 2023 12:42:29 GMT -5
I am in the boat with northstarmom. As I tried to figure out the why and to save my SM I read numerous articles on saving one's marriage and
rekindling the spark that initially brought about the marriage. And I tried most of the advice. The result was a continied skid into the divorce ditch. My then W no longer saw me as desirable and her respect for me continued to evaporate. Eventually I cmae to the realization there was no rekindling of the feeling we had in the beginning. And the rest is history. Like northstarmom I am convinced that once a marriage has fallen into the SM abice it is highly unlikely to be revived.
|
|
|
|
Post by catlover on Aug 10, 2023 18:54:16 GMT -5
Just saw a video wherein the narrator says the partners should write letters titled: "What I want from sex." Zero judgement. The refuser may be utterly uninterested. An utterly earnest attempt by most sex-positive partners would be daunting and anxiety riddled. Vulnerability like that? Two checklists are available here: sexualhealthalliance.com/nymphomedia-blog/yes-no-maybe-checklistsThe third looks more complete, but I don't see an actual download. Grrrrr. Ideally, we could fill this out online and a web page would spit out the Yeses and Yes/Maybe combinations, with a gradient mix from yes/yes to yes/maybe to maybe/maybe, leading couples to slowly expand horizons, not knowing whether your partner was a yes or a maybe because a Maybe/maybe could randomly show up near the top. This is an opportunity waiting to happen. Kind of like Tinder, but with an established partner. Up for sex? Here's five suggestions your partner won't refuse. You'll get three no brainers, one naughty smile, and one spittake. (She/he would do that if I asked?! Thank you, God!) If you can't download the checklist, just print to PDF - Job done :-) |
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Aug 10, 2023 20:23:21 GMT -5
If you can't download the checklist, just print to PDF - Job done :-) Alas, the more thorough list is only a partial image of each category. It may well be available, but it wasn't clear where or how. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 11, 2023 2:06:59 GMT -5
Sister saarinista made a great post a while back - making the point that the marriages described in this ILIASM group are for the most part just plain old rotten marriages and theres nothing unique about them". From my time on the old EP site since Feb 2009 upp to the present I have to say that I think saarinista has it pretty right. If your deal has ended up with you here on the ILIASM site, your deal is pretty much toast. The time for inspirational articles, hints on rekindling sex, scented candle strategies etc has long past. |
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 11, 2023 12:57:14 GMT -5
100% agree with the consensus above... if you are here, the romantic/sexy part of the marriage is toast.
Only question left really is there enough there to stay. For some maybe, but for most, not likely.
|
|
|
|
Post by jerri on Aug 13, 2023 2:56:21 GMT -5
At least I knew I had left no stone unturned. If I had skipped all of the books I don't think I would have been ready to just give up. Each time I did get sex it was because of some sort of self-help material so I couldn't really discount it as not helping because it did serve its purpose for me at that time. It's just that I was obsessed with finding out what type of spice was going to work or what I could do to build my marriage. The his and hers "light her fire" and light his fire series worked the best when I was trying to get sex. I simply had to learn we were not on the same page at all he didn't want more space. In fact, he told me to not treat it as a science experiment and that was good information for me to stop trying. So it really depends on the attitude of your partner because when I started having sex outside the marriage he could not get enough of the new things that we found. There were little cartoon characters that would show each of the sexual positions and even act those out and that worked for a while having a different sex position to try. But it was far more effective on my boyfriend rather than my husband. So I would go back to it's really important what type of attitude your partner has because if you have a dead bed you can't have one partner working on it and the other refusing to or that there's even a problem. My boyfriend's wife would say I just don't ever think about sex. Oh man is that hard to argue against 😂 my husband when he was 38 said he was just done with sex. And I didn't believe him!!! Boy was I wrong!!!! I thought he wasn't done because each time I came up with something different he wouldn't embrace it BUT only for a short amount of time. Then I would be looking for the next fresh new idea to revive our dead bed. His feedback was so important. Because once I overcame all of his goofy excuses then he started saying things like... Why does our sex life have to be revived? That was the best information he could have given me because then I knew it was over and I would need to get sex elsewhere. Then he said he was relieved when I was getting sex elsewhere. Wow, that was very telling.
Enthusiasm is 80% of excellent sex!!! As soon as my husband realized he didn't have to put out and he was married. The chase was over and he no longer had to be enthusiastic. My husband really had no intention of continuing sex after marriage. So the only way I participate in sex in my marriage is buying him toys it is so much fun when you have an enthusiastic partner who loves to play!!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by lessingham on Aug 13, 2023 4:55:23 GMT -5
I think the best and most honest advice was from a book. Basically it is my fault my wife does not want sex with me. This is good news as it news I have the power to change that, to become desirable. I can change me. Then I become desirable to my wife and problem cured. Or not and I become desirable to the woman after her!
My problem, my solution, my outcome
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Aug 13, 2023 5:27:39 GMT -5
I think the best and most honest advice was from a book. Basically it is my fault my wife does not want sex with me. This is good news as it news I have the power to change that, to become desirable. I can change me. Then I become desirable to my wife and problem cured. Or not and I become desirable to the woman after her! My problem, my solution, my outcome It is not your fault if your W is now asexual towards you. Unless you have gained a lot of weight or stopped seeing to your hygene. It's probably as much her lack of hormones as anything else. And you can't fix that no matter how many books or articles you read. Your problem is how to get intimacy back into your life. It seems to me if that is to happen it is going to have to be on the sly. Since you will not seperate and divorce, you are left with the outsourse choice. The soloution it seems to me is to figure out how to manage having another woman on the side without your W's knowledge. That is the outcome I think you should be working toward.....Just my opinion. |
|
|
|
Post by aquacat on Aug 13, 2023 21:48:35 GMT -5
How would one start outsourcing?
|
|
|
|
Post by lessingham on Aug 14, 2023 2:04:45 GMT -5
I think there are shops. One of the kids at school told ne when I complained about my legs there was a new leg shop in town that had just opened. I think the new wife shop is right next door.
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Aug 14, 2023 7:14:07 GMT -5
I think there are shops. One of the kids at school told ne when I complained about my legs there was a new leg shop in town that had just opened. I think the new wife shop is right next door. If only things were that simple.... |
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 14, 2023 10:38:50 GMT -5
Fantastic, rudimentary question. My advice here is outsourcing is an outcome. But before that there is a process. That process is get your shit sorted. Become an interesting, desireable, attractive person. Some call it becoming your best self. When you travel far enough down this process, the outsourcing comes to you. Or you may not need to outsource because your journey leads you elsewhere. Apocrypha wrote a seminal post on his journey to becoming an interesting person. It might take some digging in his threads to find it but well worth the read for some inspiration. The main takeaway is this. If you go the outsourcing route before before sorting your shit, you are just inviting more misery. How would one start outsourcing? |
|
