Post by mirrororchid on Aug 2, 2023 18:59:12 GMT -5
I've heard from a lot of ILIASM folk not yet divorcing who're very scared about the financial trauma awaiting them if they pull the trigger.
So, divorcées.... how'd it go? What did you do? How bad was it? Not as bad as you thought? Nasty surprises people will want to know?
Please spill it.
This may be of use not just to future divorcées, but to encourage those willing to stay if they open their marriages and be less afraid of their refuser filing papers (always obeying the Baza and having prepared for that possibility)
Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 2, 2023 19:59:33 GMT -5
Mine went fine. He did not want the divorce but I rented an apartment and moved out. I did prepare. I paid off bills, built a little savings to split. And decided what I wanted. I offered him a uncontested divorce that only cost us each $800. Granted our kids were grown. We had built a house in the country and still owed quite a bit so the equity split was not a lot so I let him keep the house and i kept my 401k and took more than half of his to make up my share of the equity. The worse part was dealing with his emotional games. I had never lived on my own so this was a big deal. Have to say financially there was no issue for me. One thing I would have done is do the quick deed claim before I left. And got my name off the utilities and bank account before I left. Was very emotional to have to see him after I got out. And it was hard for him to get my name off the utilities or he made it hard. I was the one that could be available when setting everything up so it was all in my name. We had to get each other's names off our cars. Every time I had to meet him to do those things he made it emotionally hard. There was a lot of times I had to stand strong and be hard and cold when inside I felt like I was crumbling
The first thing I'd suggest is that you consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see if your fears about financial armageddon have any basis in fact.
This applies whether your marriage is "made in heaven" or is an "ILIASM Shithole", or something in between.
You, as a responsible adult, need to know how things would shake out for you should your marriage go guts up at your instigation (or your spouses instigation). Or the deceasement of one of you.
It is a matter of simple financial prudence, which any married person needs to have a handle on.
I'm 12 years out of my deal, and whatever financial "damage" ocurred at the time I have restored my financial positon to good health (and more) over this 12 year period. Financially I am waaay better off than I was 12 years ago.
Get the facts applicable in your jurisdiction, that's my suggestion.
PS - Sister angeleyes65 post above is a good one. She got her information, and from that position of strength she was in a position to negotiate an equitable distribution of the marital assets.
I'm 12 years out of my deal, and whatever financial "damage" occurred at the time I have restored my financial position to good health (and more) over this 12 year period. Financially I am waaay better off than I was 12 years ago.
Can you describe the timeline? How long you scrimped? What cost saving measures did you take? About when did you break even?
Well Brother mirrororchid , I guess a starting point of 2009 will do. That was when I left my ILIASM deal. At that starting point there was about "X" in divisible marital assets some of which were tied up in assets that could not be accessed for a couple of years. The big ticket items were the marital house and my superannuation and share portfolio When we started negotiating the asset split I ended up with roughly 38% of "X" and my missus got 62% of "X". My lawyer believed I could have got 50%, but I was OK with what I got, though you could say it 'cost' me 12% of "X".
This process took a couple of years during which I was very cash poor until such time as we could liquidate tied up assets. The big ticket items were the house (which I signed over to her) and the superannuation (which she signed over to me). This wasn't long after the Global Financial Crisis so both markets were depressed, but I was pretty confident the economy would turn around, which it did after a while.
As I recall, by around 2013 I had recouped my position, had moved out of the City to a country town, had a job etc and was sitting pretty financially.
(side note) my ex missus died suddenly in 2015 and left all her assets to our two kids.
Re - "scrimping". I have always been as tight as a fishes arse with money - for example I drive a 10 year old Volvo still and have only ever had two brand new cars in my life. I dont need a Mercedes when a second hand Camry will do the same job. So surviving that 2 year old period referred to above wasnt a lot of fun I survived it ok.
(side note 2) The alluring Ms enna came into my life in 2010 and we've been together since. She brought a few bucks with her that is now in the joint picture.
My suggestion - have a financial plan, keep it under review to take into account changing circumstances. Make your choices on the basis of what's in your best longer term interests, and you can't go too far wrong.
I've been out 6 years now. At first, I had to borrow money from my parents for the first month's rent on a house. I gave my ex the choice of how she wanted to split the marital assets. She took cash (233k) and some retirement (60k) and I got just retirement for the most part (~300k).
I've had some ups and downs along the way, but overall, I'd say I was back on the right financial path as soon as I left. It took several years to get back to where I was, and now I'm doing much better than had I stayed (she would have spent me into the ground eventually).
Now, my immediate needs are met very comfortably at the end of each month with some surplus left over and ballofconfusion and I are gearing up to take a year off and travel around the world.
After our trip, we plan on settling in a different country for a few years where the cost of living is half of what we pay now and I can make nearly the same amount. It will turbocharge our retirement plans, and complete the final "catch-up" needed. Eventually, we will probably move back to the states, but only after we have enough saved up from our overseas adventures.
At least, that's the plan. But I am a pretty good strategist and I give high likelihood that we will be able to pull this off.
Sham's Law #1: Everything in life is simple. First you figure out what you want. Second, you figure out how to get it. Third you do it. The first step, unfortunately happens to be the hardest.