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Post by catlover on Jun 18, 2023 15:07:51 GMT -5
Right now I feel like screaming to the skies and punching inanimate objects (punching and kicking other people is generally frowned upon). If you are at all familiar with my story you willl know my wife is very I’ll and sex or any intimacy has been non existent for the past 8 years. We have had numerous ‘discussions’ over the years which always seemed to go in circles and invariably end up in a fight. However, we were in Madrid, Spain last week for another conference and to cut a long story short we finally came to an understanding regarding intimacy with the hope that things will become easier. This was on Wednesday and we were flying out on Thursday morning. Then as ‘luck’ would have it, walking through the hotel lobby, I was dragging the suitcases and my wife was slightly behind me, trailing the carry on bag with meds and toiletries etc. I spotted the taxi driver standing in the lobby, so I went ahead a bit to greet him, happened to turn back and my wife had taken a fall. Last year, while we were in Athens, Greece, she had a small fall in the hotel room and broke her femur and wrist. Quite the nightmare. Instant flashback! Fortunately only superficial injuries, but she did sustain a bit of a groin injury and in a lot of pain now.
So, guess what, any thoughts of intimacy are out of the window now. Just when you think things are looking up you get kicked in the arse again.
i don’t think I will be trying to initiate anything anytime soon, i don’t feel like degrading myself any further by getting rejected for the umpteenth time. I am pretty much at my wits end right now. She, of course, picks up on the anger that’s brewing, and the excuse will be that it turns her off (as if she was ever ‘turned on’).
maybe I am just too stubborn, thick, stupid, whatever, but I have no real options except to stay.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 18, 2023 17:52:15 GMT -5
May I ask if the option for you to have a FWB has ever been discussed? As your W is physically impaired and unable to enjoy intimacy has she offeded any explaination or rational for not encouraging you to get your needs met elsewhere? And is it's the case, why is oral off the table? I am of of coarse assuming she is against such an approach. Perhaps you are not inclined to go in that direction either.
And I can certainly empathise with your unfortunate status when a small ray of hope appears and is suddenly snuffed out.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 19, 2023 7:22:21 GMT -5
Right now I feel like screaming to the skies and punching inanimate objects (punching and kicking other people is generally frowned upon). If you are at all familiar with my story you willl know my wife is very I’ll and sex or any intimacy has been non existent for the past 8 years. We have had numerous ‘discussions’ over the years which always seemed to go in circles and invariably end up in a fight. However, we were in Madrid, Spain last week for another conference and to cut a long story short we finally came to an understanding regarding intimacy with the hope that things will become easier. This was on Wednesday and we were flying out on Thursday morning. Then as ‘luck’ would have it, walking through the hotel lobby, I was dragging the suitcases and my wife was slightly behind me, trailing the carry on bag with meds and toiletries etc. I spotted the taxi driver standing in the lobby, so I went ahead a bit to greet him, happened to turn back and my wife had taken a fall. Last year, while we were in Athens, Greece, she had a small fall in the hotel room and broke her femur and wrist. Quite the nightmare. Instant flashback! Fortunately only superficial injuries, but she did sustain a bit of a groin injury and in a lot of pain now.
So, guess what, any thoughts of intimacy are out of the window now. Just when you think things are looking up you get kicked in the arse again.
i don’t think I will be trying to initiate anything anytime soon, i don’t feel like degrading myself any further by getting rejected for the umpteenth time. I am pretty much at my wits end right now. She, of course, picks up on the anger that’s brewing, and the excuse will be that it turns her off (as if she was ever ‘turned on’).
maybe I am just too stubborn, thick, stupid, whatever, but I have no real options except to stay.
I am among the multitude that likely praise your willingness to be her life companion until the very end, but I'll ask for the sake of clarity. Why can't you leave? Financial destruction? Familial condemnation/alienation? Personal/religious convictions? I'll also ask whether there was something special about the recent discussion that suggests she would have followed through if she'd had no injury. I believe my wife had earnest intent to become more intimate with me but it bore no fruit until I started dating. To be blunt. You can leave her. It is within your capabilities. Do you even want to? If you don't, it seems silly to beat yourself up about it, reagrdless of teh reason. Do you want to stop wanting to stay? Is that part of it? |
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Post by catlover on Jun 19, 2023 9:05:46 GMT -5
May I ask if the option for you to have a FWB has ever been discussed? As your W is physically impaired and unable to enjoy intimacy has she offeded any explaination or rational for not encouraging you to get your needs met elsewhere? And is it's the case, why is oral off the table? I am of of coarse assuming she is against such an approach. Perhaps you are not inclined to go in that direction either. And I can certainly empathise with your unfortunate status when a small ray of hope appears and is suddenly snuffed out. It has been mentioned, but never explicit ‘permission’ given. For me though, it just isn’t the same. Extramural activity, to me, is just sex for the sake of sex, not satisfying, gets the job done though. Oral? Certainly would satisfy me, it is the intimacy I crave, sex doesn’t have to involve piv. If that happens, great, not the be all and end all though. |
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Post by catlover on Jun 19, 2023 9:32:05 GMT -5
Right now I feel like screaming to the skies and punching inanimate objects (punching and kicking other people is generally frowned upon). If you are at all familiar with my story you willl know my wife is very I’ll and sex or any intimacy has been non existent for the past 8 years. We have had numerous ‘discussions’ over the years which always seemed to go in circles and invariably end up in a fight. However, we were in Madrid, Spain last week for another conference and to cut a long story short we finally came to an understanding regarding intimacy with the hope that things will become easier. This was on Wednesday and we were flying out on Thursday morning. Then as ‘luck’ would have it, walking through the hotel lobby, I was dragging the suitcases and my wife was slightly behind me, trailing the carry on bag with meds and toiletries etc. I spotted the taxi driver standing in the lobby, so I went ahead a bit to greet him, happened to turn back and my wife had taken a fall. Last year, while we were in Athens, Greece, she had a small fall in the hotel room and broke her femur and wrist. Quite the nightmare. Instant flashback! Fortunately only superficial injuries, but she did sustain a bit of a groin injury and in a lot of pain now.
So, guess what, any thoughts of intimacy are out of the window now. Just when you think things are looking up you get kicked in the arse again.
i don’t think I will be trying to initiate anything anytime soon, i don’t feel like degrading myself any further by getting rejected for the umpteenth time. I am pretty much at my wits end right now. She, of course, picks up on the anger that’s brewing, and the excuse will be that it turns her off (as if she was ever ‘turned on’).
maybe I am just too stubborn, thick, stupid, whatever, but I have no real options except to stay.
I am among the multitude that likely praise your willingness to be her life companion until the very end, but I'll ask for the sake of clarity. Why can't you leave? Financial destruction? Familial condemnation/alienation? Personal/religious convictions? I'll also ask whether there was something special about the recent discussion that suggests she would have followed through if she'd had no injury. I believe my wife had earnest intent to become more intimate with me but it bore no fruit until I started dating. To be blunt. You can leave her. It is within your capabilities. Do you even want to? If you don't, it seems silly to beat yourself up about it, reagrdless of teh reason. Do you want to stop wanting to stay? Is that part of it? Why can’t I leave? A good few reasons. Personal convictions are right up there. I just could not, ever, leave the woman who has been at my side through thick and thin for the sake of sex. The Eason who looked after me and supported me through my mental health breakdown some years backShe does need my support, physically as well as mentally. We are spending some quiet time at the trailer right now, yesterday she took another (smaller) tumble, more scrapes and bruises , if I wasn’t here she would have had a real struggle to get up. There was literally nobody else around (Sunday afternoons are great like that). My son would probably despise me if I had to leave as well.. I do believe she had (has?) intentions of carrying through, but somehow the hope seems to be fading fast. Hard to put into words, but it was like and attitudinal shift took place. I was quite blunt in saying I didn’t want to live the rest of my/our lives in this cycle of disagreement and hurt. |
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Post by catlover on Jun 22, 2023 21:50:31 GMT -5
aaaaaand, no improvement yet, she's in a lot of pain, so nothing even approaching intimacy on the horizon. (fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck fuck!!!!!!!)
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cmac
New Member
Married
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Post by cmac on Jun 22, 2023 23:43:07 GMT -5
Similar situation - I have faced the truth that I am not going to leave him while he is ill (and slowly worsening), I just cannot. And as infuriating as it is to myself, I still love him and am still attracted to him - he says how could I be, he hates what his body has become. But the sexless marriage existed for us way before he became ill and I had so many chances to leave - I just believed it would get better; no, I believed HIM when he promised me it would get better. He did stop promising that recently - I think he knows I am pulling away emotionally. I have already told him I am not going to desert him, I will be his caretaker forever, but that I might separate from him in our marriage (separate rooms, separate lives) and I feel the ten year age gap so much more obvious now. I have suggested ANY form of intimacy between us would be healing and welcome - nothing is off the table - but he has zero interest. So yes, life is definitely not fair, but who said it would be?
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Post by catlover on Jun 23, 2023 11:49:21 GMT -5
Similar situation - I have faced the truth that I am not going to leave him while he is ill (and slowly worsening), I just cannot. And as infuriating as it is to myself, I still love him and am still attracted to him - he says how could I be, he hates what his body has become. But the sexless marriage existed for us way before he became ill and I had so many chances to leave - I just believed it would get better; no, I believed HIM when he promised me it would get better. He did stop promising that recently - I think he knows I am pulling away emotionally. I have already told him I am not going to desert him, I will be his caretaker forever, but that I might separate from him in our marriage (separate rooms, separate lives) and I feel the ten year age gap so much more obvious now. I have suggested ANY form of intimacy between us would be healing and welcome - nothing is off the table - but he has zero interest. So yes, life is definitely not fair, but who said it would be? This line rings so true for me "I have suggested ANY form of intimacy between us would be healing and welcome - nothing is off the table" |
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Post by deadzone75 on Jun 28, 2023 9:27:09 GMT -5
Right now I feel like screaming to the skies and punching inanimate objects (punching and kicking other people is generally frowned upon). If you are at all familiar with my story you willl know my wife is very I’ll and sex or any intimacy has been non existent for the past 8 years. We have had numerous ‘discussions’ over the years which always seemed to go in circles and invariably end up in a fight. However, we were in Madrid, Spain last week for another conference and to cut a long story short we finally came to an understanding regarding intimacy with the hope that things will become easier. This was on Wednesday and we were flying out on Thursday morning. Then as ‘luck’ would have it, walking through the hotel lobby, I was dragging the suitcases and my wife was slightly behind me, trailing the carry on bag with meds and toiletries etc. I spotted the taxi driver standing in the lobby, so I went ahead a bit to greet him, happened to turn back and my wife had taken a fall. Last year, while we were in Athens, Greece, she had a small fall in the hotel room and broke her femur and wrist. Quite the nightmare. Instant flashback! Fortunately only superficial injuries, but she did sustain a bit of a groin injury and in a lot of pain now.
So, guess what, any thoughts of intimacy are out of the window now. Just when you think things are looking up you get kicked in the arse again.
i don’t think I will be trying to initiate anything anytime soon, i don’t feel like degrading myself any further by getting rejected for the umpteenth time. I am pretty much at my wits end right now. She, of course, picks up on the anger that’s brewing, and the excuse will be that it turns her off (as if she was ever ‘turned on’).
maybe I am just too stubborn, thick, stupid, whatever, but I have no real options except to stay.
What was the "understanding" that you both came to? Did she agree to have sex after 8 years? I'm guessing not. Your conviction is evident; you aren't leaving her. Her conviction is also very much in fact; she will not be having sex ever again with you. If there was ANY understanding on her part, you'd likely at least would have had your needs met elsewhere by now, and with her blessing. But it's clear whatever energy she has left, she spends touring. I'm honestly not sure why things have ever looked up. All I have seen is one of the most obvious open/shut cases of a SM, where one person is not only emotionally removed from sex, but now seemingly isn't physically able to have sex. If your convictions will never release you, then you know the outcome for as long as those convictions are required. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 28, 2023 19:21:26 GMT -5
May I ask if the option for you to have a FWB has ever been discussed? ... It has been mentioned, but never explicit ‘permission’ given. For me though, it just isn’t the same. Extramural activity, to me, is just sex for the sake of sex, not satisfying, gets the job done though. Oral? Certainly would satisfy me, it is the intimacy I crave, sex doesn’t have to involve piv. If that happens, great, not the be all and end all though. "Extramural (extramarital?) sex is just sex for the sake of sex" How come? If your wife was already gone, wouldn't you be pursuing intimacy with a new love? Why would it be different for a mistress? She too would be a 'new love'. Is it a restriction you put on yourself? Or a belief you'd be incapable of passion while still married? |
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Post by baza on Jun 28, 2023 20:16:33 GMT -5
Like Brother deadzone75 alludes to, it reads like seems your missus has chosen to direct whatever levels of energy she has toward her advocacy work. Perhaps taking this course gives her purpose and focus, and as such is probably a good thing from her perspective. Maybe a case can be made for you to find something from which you could find an activity you found fulfillment in pursuing. |
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Post by jerri on Jul 12, 2023 0:47:22 GMT -5
I spent many years thinking, I am strong, I can handle this! I was so proud of myself for enduring this sexless marriage. I would avoid any type of intimacy on the television or in a movie I would just leave the room or put ear plugs in and go on the computer. Then I decided I was going to go to a forum which was called FetLife and I would just have a good time and enjoy others having sex and maybe just vicariously live through them. But after I got on the forum and set up my profile I met this man who specialized in sex machines. Then another who specialized in Orgasm via E- Stim, a photographer who's specialized in sexual photography that was really classy and fun. Then I joined these different groups within that forum and my libido was awakened.
I got really, really angry and I don't mean maybe! I ordered a very sophisticated sex machine and an E-stim. And I told my husband he was paying for it! After many months of waiting for it to be built I decided that that just wasn't good enough. I handed my husband a check for the machines.
I wanted a real man someone who would touch me and really have fun in the bedroom. I thought okay, I'm going to some Kink parties and I'm going to have fun! None of that was really good enough. I wanted a real man! Even though that sex machine is quite sophisticated and feels better than sex with a man. It still wasn't good enough.
With the amount of anger that you are holding, I am guessing that nothing can replace real hot fun sex! What are you waiting for? Get your ass out there and get laid! Nothing beats engaging all of the senses and having fun with someone who is delighted to be with you! Talk about lifting depression!
I was stuck in My own prison thinking that I did not want to be disloyal to the man I loved but in the meantime, I was just dying inside and hiding my misery from the world with fake BS stuff like going to the gym and expending all of this energy or investing in real estate when I should have been working out by mattress dancing! I didn't cheat him. I told him exactly what I was going to do and then he was so pissed. I had a lot of pieces to pick up before I even set out the door. I met a polymentor and he actually held my hand and guided me each step of the way especially when my husband was flailing throwing himself on the floor and pitching a fit. I had passed that point of no return and didn't really care if my husband left me. My mentor's wife had terminal cancer and she wanted him to set up a sexual relationship before she passed away. She actually helped him choose different women. She was so neat and loving!
I didn't want anyone else so each night I saw myself having sex with someone else until it became way more comfortable. Within a little over a year I found a very sweet man. I was so scared but yet it was so exciting to finally crank up the AC and leave the world behind and have a blast!
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Post by catlover on Jul 15, 2023 10:51:55 GMT -5
I thank you all for the replies and advice. All very on point. Yes, it is me holding me back, the thing is, I don't really want anyone else, I want a warm, loving, sensual marriage. Maybe I am just too stubborn. Yes, when/if she passes, I would definitely entertain a new relationship. She has suggested I 'get my needs met elsewhere', but it would just not be the same, that is just sex for sex's sake (for fucks sake? lol). While it may be enjoyable, it would be, for me, ultimately unsatisfying.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 15, 2023 15:51:29 GMT -5
May I ask if the option for you to have a FWB has ever been discussed? As your W is physically impaired and unable to enjoy intimacy has she offeded any explaination or rational for not encouraging you to get your needs met elsewhere? And is it's the case, why is oral off the table? I am of of coarse assuming she is against such an approach. Perhaps you are not inclined to go in that direction either. And I can certainly empathise with your unfortunate status when a small ray of hope appears and is suddenly snuffed out. It has been mentioned, but never explicit ‘permission’ given. For me though, it just isn’t the same. Extramural activity, to me, is just sex for the sake of sex, not satisfying, gets the job done though. Oral? Certainly would satisfy me, it is the intimacy I crave, sex doesn’t have to involve piv. If that happens, great, not the be all and end all though. May I ask....what is wrong with sex for the sake of sex, especially if it gets the job done ? You say it would be "ultimately unsatisfying". How is it you are so sure. If you had a FWB over an extended period of time how do you know the intimacy shared with her would not ultimately take on a meaning that you found " satisfying"? |
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Post by jerri on Jul 15, 2023 20:21:58 GMT -5
I thank you all for the replies and advice. All very on point. Yes, it is me holding me back, the thing is, I don't really want anyone else, I want a warm, loving, sensual marriage. Maybe I am just too stubborn. Yes, when/if she passes, I would definitely entertain a new relationship. She has suggested I 'get my needs met elsewhere', but it would just not be the same, that is just sex for sex's sake (for fucks sake? lol). While it may be enjoyable, it would be, for me, ultimately unsatisfying. I was patient then got really angry because I didn't want anyone else to touch me. The whole idea was foreign. I thought but it's my husband that knows what makes me feel good. It's too much effort to teach someone how I am stimulated. It was scary at first but I promise another's company and techniques although different and awkward at first are very stimulating. After talking an dating this man put a lot of fun in sex. I got to try a different positions of the week. No boring sex. It's so fun to be with someone who wants to pleasure you! It was very odd to be in love with two different men. And it was ok to be in love and understand it might only be for a season or so I thought. Ten seasons later he was retiring but he came to my city on business two to three times a week. So sometimes I got sweet heat 3x a week! I definitely respected his wife and he respects my husband. I found out later my husband didn't want to know any details. I just made sure I made plenty of meals and know I had the honor of celebrating several sets of holidays. He recently said he was coming but his wife wanted to come with him. Oops you think you can't love another but of course you can. Another can make you feel just as good or even better than what you had with your wife. No disrespect if you are the type who can only have one made in a lifetime. For whatever reason I attracted several pen pals and my mentor told me to drop the pen pals and make sure I got sex by Christmas. So by Halloween I was in someone else's man's pants. It was scary and lonely because I knew my husband would probably never touch me again after I stepped out of the marriage for sex but I couldn't go the rest of my life without sex it just means too much to me. I know it's much harder for men to get sex online but you should at least try. I think there's someone for everyone. In another group there's a man who just has a kissing hands on dating relationship without sex and although that would not be my choice it works for him as a replacement. |
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