even
Junior Member
Posts: 22
|
Post by even on Sept 14, 2023 15:18:27 GMT -5
For 5 years, my husband would use his weight as excuse for anything, i.e, cannot go out for dinner, cannot go traveling. Of course, he cannot have sex because of his weight. So I patiently waited for him to get his healthy weight back while maintaining funless and sexless marriage, which was super tiring. Finally, I met my limit and proposed divorce and separation under the roof for the time being.
Then, he started to work out and went to see doctor. Today, he got his blood draw test and happily showed me that his testosterone level was super low, and it maybe fixable. I looked at him and told him that it was good for him. Then he started to accuse me that I was not happy about seeing the result. What?? What should I be happy for?
I don’t want to have sex anymore with a person who emotionally and sexually neglected me while there is a solution there all the way. I literally want to have sex with anyone rather than him, because he hurts me. I have been really processing the emotional scar out of this recently and I am glad I started to realize it is not just about sex.
|
|
m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
|
Post by m76 on Sept 14, 2023 15:35:21 GMT -5
I'm seeing a common theme here with this and other posts even though I'm new here. It seems the refuser won't change until drastic action like separation or divorce is proposed.
|
|
|
|
Post by toughtiger on Sept 14, 2023 16:42:21 GMT -5
@ even
I totally hear you and get it. It starts with the sex being gone and then when they simply seem to not care to even try to fix or find a work around ect.....
it is as you describe funless as well as sexless....
we kid ourselves that IF this or that happens but as in your case when that happens you realize there is a bunch more tied to it.... we know now that we did not mean enough for them to take action ASAP..... when on their time frame then they think we should be holding a parade for them.
I do not think i could or would if possible resume with my spouse because he simply does not get it ..........that HE is the one that impeded this for sooooo long.
i really never wish this sort of treatment i have endured on anyone else.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Sept 14, 2023 18:20:33 GMT -5
It is a pretty common theme here that a member initially writes along the lines that - "Everything is great bar the sex" Then, as the story unfolds, it emerges that everything is NOT so great and that the lack of sex is a symptom of a much deeper dysfunctionality. Just like the posts here from Sisters even , m76 and toughtiger . |
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Sept 18, 2023 8:28:06 GMT -5
Then, he started to work out and went to see doctor. Today, he got his blood draw test and happily showed me that his testosterone level was super low, and it maybe fixable. I looked at him and told him that it was good for him. Then he started to accuse me that I was not happy about seeing the result. What?? What should I be happy for? I don’t want to have sex anymore with a person who emotionally and sexually neglected me while there is a solution there all the way. I literally want to have sex with anyone rather than him, because he hurts me. I have been really processing the emotional scar out of this recently and I am glad I started to realize it is not just about sex. I think this is illuminating for anyone feeling trapped in either side of a sex-averse marriage, especially for those who are baffled about the refusal. The way people feel about the kind of person they come to believe their partner is, or the state of being married to them, affects the likelihood of having sex with them. In your case, you would rather have sex with anyone other than him. That's a pretty common feeling within any troubled marriage, and it is indeed not just about the sex. It's about a fundamental conflict and it's difficult to live and sleep with that kind of tension in your home. Sex tends to be downstream of whatever that conflict is. It's a reason why it ends up as such a false dilemma, "sex vs staying married" - as if those become opposite things to balance. |
|
|
|
Too late?
Sept 18, 2023 11:07:03 GMT -5
h likes this
Post by mirrororchid on Sept 18, 2023 11:07:03 GMT -5
Dr PsychMom refers to an " empathic rupture". Waiting until divorce is declared before trying to fix things seems to have qualified for you and only forgiveness of teh neglect might make the marriage whole again. That's a big ask. It's not surprising to question whether it's fair to expect. |
|
|
|
Post by h on Sept 21, 2023 11:56:02 GMT -5
For 5 years, my husband would use his weight as excuse for anything, i.e, cannot go out for dinner, cannot go traveling. Of course, he cannot have sex because of his weight. So I patiently waited for him to get his healthy weight back while maintaining funless and sexless marriage, which was super tiring. Finally, I met my limit and proposed divorce and separation under the roof for the time being. Then, he started to work out and went to see doctor. Today, he got his blood draw test and happily showed me that his testosterone level was super low, and it maybe fixable. I looked at him and told him that it was good for him. Then he started to accuse me that I was not happy about seeing the result. What?? What should I be happy for? I don’t want to have sex anymore with a person who emotionally and sexually neglected me while there is a solution there all the way. I literally want to have sex with anyone rather than him, because he hurts me. I have been really processing the emotional scar out of this recently and I am glad I started to realize it is not just about sex. This is where I'm at with my wife. Her years of rejection and neglect have had a psychological effect on me and I don't think I am capable of being aroused by her anymore. The last two times she tried to initiate, I couldn't even rise to the occasion because I no longer see her as a sexual person anymore. |
|
